There's Something About Mary

Remember the Three Stooges? They were gross. They were stupid. They were violent. They were funny as hell.

Now imagine the Three Stooges made in the 90′s. They would be grosser. They would be dumber. They would be more violent. They would still be funny as hell. They would probably be directed by Peter and Bobby Farrely.

I saw this movie in one of those gigantasaur theatres that they only see fit to build in Dallas and other big cities like that. (That’s where I was this weekend when I saw the flick.) You know what? That’s fine with me. Give me a quaint, personal little 15 screen theatre anyday. There’s a problem when movie theatres get too big. They become like malls. “Let’s see. What movie should we see today? Let’s go movie shopping!” Movies become less like events and more like a way to pass the time when you happen to be at that end of the mall. That’s just wrong.

Anyway, I was in Dallas visiting friends and watching another friend at Six Flags for the first time. (If you get a chance to go, ride the Mr. Freeze coaster. It’s awesome! Strange how such a bad movie can make a great ride. Not that the ride really had anything to do with the movie. Probably a good thing, though.) Seven of us went to see this movie. Of the seven of us there were only two of us who really liked it. A couple people thought it had really funny moments, but didn’t think it added up to much. That may be true, but the funny parts made the whole thing worth it for me.

This new freak show of a movie is about Ted Stroehmann (Ben Stiller) and his overpowering love for Mary (Cameron Diaz just before she got way too skinny). It all started when she asked him to the prom (even though he was a complete dork with bad hair and she was a beautiful and popular girl). Then things go all wrong when he goes to pick her up. He meets her mom and step-dad (Markie Post and Keith David) and her retarded brother (W. Earl Brown–Kenny from Scream). After an accident with a zipper (“How’d you get the beans above the frank?!?!” Every man in the theatre was in pain for this one) the prom is ruined. Years later, Ted hires Pat Healy (Matt Dillon–Cameron’s real life boyfriend) to find her in Florida. Pat’s name was given to Ted by his friend Dom (Chris Elliott). Pat’s not exactly a good guy. He falls for Mary and decides to tell Ted that she’s bloated up, in a wheelchair and has four kids by three different guys that she never married. He, of course, finds out that she didn’t bloat up and she’s still a fox and he goes to find her. Chaos ensues in the most ridiculous and disgusting of ways all the way to the end with a surprise cameo and a lot of people coming out of the woodworks who find that something in Mary.

Ted is basically a loser all through high school. He hangs out with the idiots who no one else would touch. (Story of my life.) Then Mary comes into his life. She’s perfect. She’s beautiful, smart, funny, loves sports and is completely unbiased about looks. She’s the perfect woman. The Farrelys were trying to create a woman who didn’t exist. Then (according to one interview) they found out that Cameron really is this person. Who’da thunk it?

Pat is the bad guy of the movie. (Well, one of them, anyway.) He’s a dirtbag P.I. who will do anything to get the girl. Including using spying devices to find out what Mary wants in a man and using her neighbor’s spying devices to tell her what kind of guy he is. He’s the kind of guy you want your worst enemy to go out with.

Through it all are Jonathan Richman with his guitar and some dude with a drum who comment on the action of the characters. A friend of mine got annoyed with him, but most of the audience loved it. Richman was also in Kingpin–he was in the band in the bar. He’s also the founding member of the Modern Lovers, an influential punk band of the late seventies who only put out one album. They’re kind of like the Velvet Underground. Not many people know about them, but they influenced everyone. Go figure. We also get to see the landlady from Kingpin again. Her name is Lin Shaye and she plays Magda, Mary’s neighbor who can’t stop tanning. She looks something like a side of bacon. (I think I might have stolen that, but I can’t remember from whom.)

These guys don’t know when to quit. They take one joke and take it to the extremes and then past those extremes. Kingpin was one of the funniest movies of the past couple of years. It was also one of the most disgusting and R-rated PG-13 movies ever made. Dumb And Dumber was dumb (you saw that one coming), but still funny with a sick edge to it. They topped themselves in their sickness. Kingpin was more consistently funny, but the five or six parts of this one are funnier than any scene from either of their earlier movies.

I don’t want to give too much away (as most of the other reviews have already done), but some good scenes are the dog jump-starting scene, the hair gel scene and the zipper scene (one of the more painful scenes in recent memory, too).

Not everyone will like this movie. In fact, I would warn some people to stay away from it. It’s very gross, twisted, disgusting, non-PC and just overall repulsive. For some of us, though, that’s not a bad thing. I am, after all, a John Waters fan. It doesn’t begin to touch the sickness of Pink Flamingos. It’s about as close as a mainstream movie will probably ever come to it, though.

You may be worried about Mary’s brother. Do they make fun of retarded people? Not really. His condition isn’t really used to get laughs, but he does things to get laughs. I guess it’s a fine line. He does things like attacking people who touch his ears. It’s something a retarded person may do, but it’s not making fun of them. The only person who says anything bad about him is Pat, and he’s supposed to be a slimeball, anyway. The guy in the leg braces is a different story, though. He’s there for laughs. He doesn’t always get them, but that’s what he’s there for. The thing is…well…I can’t tell you any more about him. Let’s just say, it’s ok to laugh.

Chris Elliott, on the other hand, only gets a few of the laughs he was supposed to get. I think he can be funny. I even thought Cabin Boy had it’s moments (most of them involving either stop motion animation or David Letterman–or perhaps both–and there’s a reference to it in this one), but he just wasn’t very funny here. Every once in a while he was, but I almost could have done without his character. Until the end. Then it’s ok to have him.

So, if you’re up for this sort of thing go for it. Just think of it this way: there are five or six great scenes in this movie that will keep you laughing after the credits have rolled. Those scenes go on for a long, long time. How many “comedies” these days have even one scene like these in them? Not many. Stick with it through the dry spots. It’s worth it. Also, stay through the credits. They have some semi-outtakes of the cast doing the old classic “Build Me Up, Buttercup” by the Foundations. And then there’s Cameron saying, “Ted, I’m just fucking with you.” about five times. Somehow, it’s cute.

By the way, don’t let my friends’ reaction scare you away from it. Everyone else in the theatre seemed to be having a pretty good time. My friends just have no taste. Look who they hang out with.