American Pie/Idle Hands

Ok, first off, yes I do have a life. Well, sort of. I watch a lot of movies. But I do watch them with friends….most of the time. Well, ok, I watch a lot of them alone, but we won’t talk about those.

I saw another preview for Dick. That’s President Nixon to you, mister! (You wouldn’t believe all the titles that get pulled up when you’re looking for this one on the IMDb! Samurai Dick? Sounds interesting. Lady Dick? I didn’t need to see that. So much for this being a “family” website.) The movie itself looks kind of lame, but I have to see it for three reasons: Kirsten Dunst, Bruce McCulloch and Dave Foley. Two Kids In The Hall! Awesome! It’s a virtual reunion! (According to them they never broke up. They’re just pursuing other things right now. For five years! They’re looking for someone to back another movie, but Brain Candy did so badly that no one will. Will someone please help them!! I need a KITH fix!!!) Anyway, I’ll probably see it for them. Could be interesting, though. I hope so.

Let’s get on with the first movie, shall we? It’s getting late.

American Pie, in case you’ve been living in front of a computer screen without internet access (in which case you wouldn’t even be reading this…then again, you probably aren’t reading it anyway. I think you’re just something I ate.) is about four high school guys who vow to have sex before graduation. They have three weeks to meet a girl, break her down and get lucky. Sounds like just another Porky’s rip-off, right?

Actually, I can’t tell you. I have to confess right now that I have not seen Porky’s. It’s on my list. (Hey. I’m only 23. It can’t be too late.) So, before I start comparing this to a movie that I haven’t seen (a sin that I’m sure a lot of “real” critics commit) let’s start with the real story. Or at least the characters, because the story is pretty much summed up in the one line that I already wrote. Any more would be giving something away.

The main character is Jim (Jason Biggs, a newcomer to movies, but he was on As The World Turns for a while), a young man whose father (Eugene Levy in his best role since Waiting For Guffman, but it hasn’t been too many years) doesn’t quite understand how to deal with what his son is going through. He understands it because he went through it himself, he just doesn’t grasp (pun intended) how to talk to his son. Anyway, Jim is kind of a dork, but he’s a cool dork. However, if his friends knew what he was doing he wouldn’t be so cool anymore. He is, after all, the one with the pie. And the tube sock. He’s also the one with the beautiful foreign exchange student taking off her clothes in his bedroom for his computer camera. Who cares if she doesn’t know?

Kevin (Thomas Ian Nicholas from A Kid In King Arthur’s Court/Aladdin’s Palace and Rookie Of The Year–you’ve come a long way, kid) is dating Vicky (Tara Reid from Urban Legend and The Big Lebowski). They’ve been dating for a long time and have done everything but the big one. Now she’s pushing for those three words that every woman wants to hear and every man is scared of saying. Then, maybe, she’ll give it up. Her best friend, Jessica (Natasha Lyonne from Slums Of Beverly Hills), is more experienced in these matters. She says that it doesn’t have to be perfect, just do it and get it over with. Kevin and Vicky go through the typical “we’re together/we’re broken up” phases before the end of the movie.

Oz (Chris Klein from Election) is the star of the lacrosse team (this is, after all, an affluent school) and he’s very popular. Why, then, can’t he get a girl? I don’t know. That’s not the point. He starts off being a typical jock. Then, after a nearly disastrous fling with a college girl, he decides to play the “sensitive” angle. He joins a choir and meets Heather (Mena Suvari from Slums Of Beverly Hills, Kiss The Girls and Rage: Carrie 2–is it just me, or does she look an awful lot like Heather Graham?). Through her he gains his heart of gold. They also go through the typical “he’s a jerk/he’s so sweet” phases.

Finch (Eddie Kaye Thomas from Illtown and Rage: Carrie 2–aren’t there a lot of crossovers here?) is the group pris. He doesn’t drink coffee. He drinks mocha latte…or something like that. He knows the joys of fine liquor. He doesn’t use public restrooms. Anyway, he’s pretty much a complete nerd. He has to start rumors about himself to even try to get a date. Soon, every girl in the school is asking his buds if it’s true about his, um, parts.

The “villains” are Stifler (Seann William Scott) and Sherman (Chris Owen from Major Payne, Angus and Can’t Hardly Wait). Stifler is actually one of the guys, but he’s gotten lucky. He just keeps almost foiling the plans of the others because he’s a stupid jock. Sherman is a total geek who isn’t one of the guys. He appears to get lucky at the first party of the movie, therefore motivating the four main characters in their quest.

As pointless and sophomoric as all of this sounds, there’s actually a lot of heart in this movie. All of the boys learn something about life and love. (Aawwww. Isn’t that sweet?) Yes, the movie is primarily sex. Well, ok, it’s only about sex. But it’s not just one of those movies like Porky’s (there it is again) that is just there to show breasts and a bunch of horny guys trying to get some. There’s only one scene with any real nudity in it (yes, the foreign exchange student shows ‘em) and it’s not really exploitive. It’s, well, not really tasteful, but as close as it can be without being totally tasteless. The pie and the beer, however, are pretty tasteless. But, you know, even though I’ve seen the pie thing in the commercials a hundred times, it’s still damn funny in the movie.

Two words of caution, though: First off, if you’re offended by teens having sex (not many people I know are, but I know there are some of you out there not reading my reviews) don’t go see this movie. There’s a lot of it going on. Personally, I see no problem with that. I happens, people! High school kids have sex! It’s a fact. I know all of you parents out there would love it if you’re kids had nice, neat little PG-13 lives where no nudity is shown and there’s a minimum of swearing. (Violence, however, is ok apparently.) The fact is, there’s a LOT of swearing and not a small amount of nudity. Less violence, usually. I know that may come as a shock to a lot of parents, but it’s the truth. This movie is fairly close to real life. Although I’m sure that not many people have tried the pastry trick. This movie had to be returned to the MPAA four times before it got its R rating. Yes, it was NC-17 before. They said some pretty stupid things like, “Could he thrust just two times into the pie instead of four?” Uh, what?!?! These are the same people who told Trey Parker and Matt Stone that showing a cartoon character getting his head blown off was ok in their trailer, but showing one farting was not. Something’s wrong with our ratings board. I think it’s time for an overhaul. And Trey and Matt are the ones to start it.

Enough about that…let’s move on to the second word of warning: The first twenty minutes of this movie are really, REALLY rough. And I don’t mean that it was offensive. I mean that I was starting to think that all the hype was wrong. The editing was bad, the acting was bad, the dialogue wasn’t very good and, worst of all, it wasn’t funny! Actually, the very first scene was very funny. Then the titles hit. Then it gets really bad. My friend and I were trying really hard to laugh at stuff. Then, suddenly, something miraculous happened: It turned itself around! It instantly became a really good movie! I don’t think I have ever seen a movie do that before. I’ve seen good movie get really bad. I’ve seen bad movies get a little bit better. I’ve even seen mediocre movies get really good. But I’ve never seen a really bad movie get really good. The direction got better. The acting definitely got better. The dialogue got A LOT better. (Except for one scene with Jessica. That was still a little forced.) I don’t know what happened. It was pretty amazing.

I think the real standout performances here were Chris Klein and Jason Biggs. Chris has only been in one other movie (Election) but he’s already perfected his role. He’s great at being a dunderheaded nice guy. Jason was hysterical as the dork who tried so hard to be sexy. His stripteases were about as bizarre as anything I’ve ever seen on screen. Almost as funny as Jamie Lee Curtis’s in True Lies. Strangely enough, he reminded me of a friend’s brother. Of course, I never saw my friend’s brother do a striptease (thank God), but he looked a lot like him. Acted a little like him, too.

The girls were all pretty good, too. Tara was great as the long suffering girlfriend. (By the way, I saw her boob-tape in one scene. I guess she doesn’t want to be naked under those sheets.) Natasha was awesome as the more experienced pal. Mena was beautiful and was a total sweetheart as the girl who tamed the semi-wild beast. Shannon Elizabeth was great as Nadia, the foreign exchange student. They couldn’t have found a better pair, I mean, girl for the part. The standout here had to be Alyson Hannigan from the Buffy TV series. She was hilarious as a band geek who may know a little more about flutes than we really wanted to know.

I do have one question for the writers, though. When I was in high school, no one really knew who was a virgin and who wasn’t. There were people who I thought for sure had had sex, but they hadn’t. How is it that everyone in the school seems to know that these four guys were virgins? It’s obvious that their close friends would know, but why should Sherman know? No one was that open about it in high school. And yet, no one seems to know anything about Michelle. She’s just out of nowhere with all of her flute stuff.

Anyway, great movie. Just watch out for those first few minutes.

Now on to the real surprise.

When I first started seeing previews for Idle Hands I thought, “Oh God. Why do we have to have Devon Sawa in a cheesy American Werewolf In London rip-off?” I vowed to never spend my money on it.

Well, I didn’t. I did, however, watch a screener for it. (A pretty good perk from working at a video store.)

I have to warn you about one thing about me: I’m pretty much a gore-hound. I love gory movies. Dario Argento is one of my favorite directors and the Evil Dead movie are also particular favorites of mine.

That being said, on with the review.

Devon Sawa (Casper and Wild America) plays Anton, a lazy stoner who has nothing better to do with his time than hang out with his stoner buddies doing stoner things. He hasn’t been to school in six months (probably an exaggeration) and his main concern is where his next score of weed is coming from.

His buddies, Mick (Seth Green from Austin Powers and Can’t Hardly Wait) and Pnub (Elden Ratliff from The Mighty and She’s All That) pretty much do the same things as Anton. They’re just a little more sarcastic about it.

One day Anton’s parents disappear. (Actually, they die, but Anton doesn’t know that. We see them die in the first scene, though.) He doesn’t really seem to think anything of it until his right hand starts to go wild. He can’t control it anymore! What to do? He calls his buddies over and quickly kills them. Mick gets a bottle in his head and Pnub gets his head cut off.

He also gets a girlfriend in the process. (Huh?!) Molly (Jessica Alba from Camp Nowhere and Never Been Kissed) is the girl next door that we all wanted next door to us. She’s a bassist, writes songs and is actually pretty kinky when her parents aren’t home. Not to mention HOT!!! She also tends to answer the door in her underwear.

Somewhere along the way we’re also introduced to Debi (Vivica A. Fox), a priestess who wants to rid the world of the demon who is possessing Anton’s hand.

The story sounds pretty lame, and, to tell you the truth, it kind of is. However, the story isn’t really the point of this movie. It’s the comedy and the gore. Seth Green is, of course, really funny. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him not be funny. Elden is quickly proving himself as an actor. Even though I’ve never seen any of the Mighty Ducks movies (which he was also a part of) I have seen three of his movies within the last month, all of which he was great in. In fact he was pretty much the best thing in She’s All That. (Although Rachel Leigh Cook was really good in it. By the way it wasn’t a bad movie, but not a particularly good movie, either. What did the critics see in it?) I guess the real surprise was Devon Sawa. I’ve always kind of stayed away from this guy. After all, how can we take someone seriously whose first big role was Casper? That’s a movie that even its star can’t watch. (She also, however, can’t watch Now And Then, which I kind of liked. Strangely enough, that also has Devon in a small role. Coincidence?) However, I may have to rethink my opinion. He did a great job with the physical comedy. His hand was supposed to be a totally separate entity and it really looked like it was. He had to do all sorts of back flips and pocket tricks and weird stuff like that and he handled it very well. This kid could be the next John Ritter. (Who I think is a very under-rated physical comedian. Watch those old episodes of Three’s Company, or even Noises Off, and you’ll see what I mean.)

There was a little of the American Werewolf thing going on here. His friends came back to life because “There was this bright light, but it was just too far.” They spend the rest of the movie decomposing around Anton’s house.

Then Anton decides that the only way to kill the evil is to cut it off at it’s source. He cuts his hand off. This, of course, makes it a cross between American Werewolf, The Hand, Night Of The Living Dead and Evil Dead II. Who’s laughin’ now! (Oh yeah, and there’s a special bit for real film buffs. There’s a shot that’s directly out of The Shining. See if you can find it.)

Actually, I was. So were my friends. This movie was really funny. There was a lot of gore in it, too. Anton doesn’t poison his friends, after all. He gets a little bloody. Then, when they come back to life, they have new problems. How do we get Pnub’s head back on? A grill fork will do the trick. Just stick it right in there. How do we stop his burrito from oozing out of his severed neck? Duct tape!!

The biggest problems I had with the movie were actually the women. Not that they did a bad job. Jessica did a great job as the punk chick next door. The problem was that her character was weakly written. She started out totally kinky and then turned into an angel. Almost literally. Vivica even seemed to be having fun, but I was getting sick of her. The part was way over the top and really pretty stupid. Then she ends the movie on a weak note. The final showdown just kind of comes and goes. Seth does, however, address that, so I guess it’s ok. (“What?! That’s it?! No big explosion or anything? That’s weak.”)

Anyway, since it’s getting really late now (4am!!! I have to get up at 10!!) I have to wrap this up. The movie was a great surprise. Pretty good special effects and some great comedy, physical and verbal. It’s still a bad movie, yeah, but it never tries to be anything more. In fact, it revels in its badness. Kind of like another hand chopping favorite.