X-Men

Let me just preface this review with a real quick statement that may explain where I’m coming from. Even though I’m a big Kevin Smith fan I don’t know from comic books. I don’t think I’ve ever read one from cover to cover. I can’t even really get into the cartoons. But I love comic book movies. Superman, Batman, Dick Tracy…hell, I even thought that The Shadow was pretty interesting.

Now that you know that you probably won’t have any respect for my review. But I don’t really care, so here goes.

The X-Men are a group of mutants in the near future who have discovered that they have special powers. But I’m sure you all knew that. Who wouldn’t after all the hype that this movie has gotten? On the good side we’ve got Dr. Xavier (Patrick Stewart). He’s their leader and can not only read peoples’ minds, but can make them do whatever he wants them to. Cyclops (James Marsden from Disturbing Behavior) is, according to a friend who watches the show, is supposed to be the leader when they’re “out in the field” and has “all the power of the sun behind his eyes.” Actually he just shoots lasers out of them. His girlfriend, Jean Grey (Famke Janssen from GoldenEye and The Faculty), is the doctor of the group, can move objects with her mind and is slightly clairvoyant. She also doesn’t have a cool nickname. Storm (Halle Berry from her mugshots) can summon the powers of the weather.

On the dark side of the X is Magneto (Sir Ian McKellen from Gods And Monsters and Apt Pupil), the leader who can create magnetic forces out of, well, thin air. In the beginning he’s wearing a hat and trenchcoat that makes him look just like The Smoking Man from The X-Files. Then he puts on the Magneto helmet. They changed the rest of the costumes, why did they keep that the same? That looked really stupid on Sir Ian. Sabertooth (pro-wrestler Tyler Mane) is his main henchman who seems to just be a lion. He’s really strong, too. Mystique (Rebecca Romijn-(shudder)Stamos from my dreams) is blue and hot. She’s a shape shifter which, I think is the coolest super power. Toad (Ray Park–Darth Maul from Phantom Menace) is just what his name says. He uses his tongue to get wrap around things and pull them or himself closer, spits green stuff and jumps with amazing strength.

The first one we meet is actually Magneto as a kid in a concentration camp in WWII Poland. His parents are dragged away and he almost breaks the gates after they close.

Flash forward a few dozen years and enter Rogue (Anna Paquin looking better and better every year–I was really scared for her for a while there). She accidentally puts her first boyfriend in a coma because she takes the life force out of anyone she touches. She runs away from home and runs right into Wolverine (Hugh Jackman from not much else) who has metal bones, great strength, long retractable metal claws and an amazing ability to heal.

That’s pretty much the plot. You’ve got Wolverine trying to not fit in with the rest of the X-Men, Magneto trying to end “normal” man’s reign and the X-Men trying to stop him. Oh, and Rogue keeps trying to fit in.

That’s also the problem with the movie. The plot is pretty stupid and the characters are just cardboard cutouts of what could have been great people. The only ones who really have any kind of real character are the two leaders, Wolverine and Rogue. And even they aren’t that well developed. They try to get a love triangle thing going with Wolverine, Jean Grey and Cyclops, but it just doesn’t work. They bring it up, ignore it and then bring it up again at the very end. Was that actually a subplot or did they just accidentally write it in? I hear that there were about 45 minutes cut out. That could explain some of it. I’m not sure if I could have taken any more of Sabertooth or Toad, though. They were pretty annoying.

And what happened to Senator Robert Jefferson Kelly (Bruce Davison from Apt Pupil and Spies Like Us). He was barely even in the movie. After the rather brilliant ad campaign that made some of the commercials look like ads for the anti-mutant senator I thought that he would be a major part of the plot. That would have made a pretty interesting subplot: corrupt politico becomes puppet for evil mutants! Sure would have made for some fancy viewin’. But no. He was in the movie for a collective 10 or 15 minutes. Was he cut, too?

On an acting note, Mr. Jackman and Miss Paquin seemed to be having problems with their accents. Hugh is Australian and you could kind of tell every once in a while. It reminded me of Heath Ledger in 10 Things I Hate About You. Not quite as bad as Costner in Robin Hood, though. Anna had a harder time with hers. Rogue is supposed to be a young southern belle type girl. And she starts out that way, but she kind of loses the accent somewhere along the way. Then it comes back for a bit. Then it goes away. She’s a really good actress, but maybe she should leave the accents to Meryl Streep.

Other than that I really didn’t have a problem with the performances. Patrick and Ian were great as always. Hugh was pretty damn good as Wolverine. Davison was appropriately slimy (in more ways than one) for his diminutive role. The rest didn’t have to do much, so I’m not really sure how they did.

It had it’s good points, of course. It is, after all, a Bryan Singer (The Usual Suspects and Apt Pupil) film. It has some pretty good humor in it, usually from Wolverine. He’s everyone’s favorite, so they pretty much made him the leader and gave him all the good lines. He even cusses, which is new for a comic book movie of this type. (Spawn doesn’t really count. It’s a more adult comic book.) There’s a reference to the costumes from the books and even a great reference to Star Wars from Ray Park.

And speaking of Ray, was he really the right person to play Toad? All this guy does is jump around and throw his tongue at people. I’ve heard that they changed him a little so that Ray could use his martial arts, but they didn’t change him enough. When I see someone like Ray Park I want him to play a Jet Li type character. You wouldn’t have Jet Li playing Dr. Xavier, would you?

Then there was Mystique. Wow! All Rebecca had to wear was blue spray paint and a couple of patches. Too bad about those patches, though. She was looking good even if she was a little scary. But, hey. Scaly chicks need lovin’ too.

There were some really good action sequences, too. Especially the final battle on the Statue Of Liberty. Ray finally got to use some martial arts and we got to see some great butt-kicking.

Now here’s the real question: was this comic supposed to show through super heroes the alienation of teenagers? Or was it supposed to be like a new Holocaust? It could really be both. The mutants never quite fit in with the “normals” so they’re always discriminated against. In fact, the Senator and his cronies want them to start identifying themselves with some kind of distinguishing mark. (Sound familiar?) Then Dr. Xavier (who was perfectly cast, by the way) has his “School For The Gifted” where he teaches teen mutants how to control their powers and helps them to fit in with the rest of the world and themselves. (Some of the scenes in the school look like propoganda ads for it. That’s pretty funny.) I read somewhere that this is why the comics have been so popular with teenagers. They can relate to the mutants’ struggle to be a little more normal, whatever that is. I can see that, but this Holocaust thing puts an interesting spin on things, even if it’s kind of beat into us every once in a while.

Overall, not really a bad movie, but hard to recommend. I really expected more from Mr. Singer. If you just want a couple of cool action scenes and Rebecca Romijn-Stamos in blue paint, then go for it. But pay matinee prices. Not freakin’ $8 like I did. Where am I? New York City?!?! This is Austin for God’s sake!