Spores: The Movie

Now, this is where your humble web page builder and amateur film critic plays with the notion of conflict of interest. This is a movie that you will probably never see if you are outside of the filmmaker’s immediate grasp. (Unless, of course, his copies of it actually get out and about like the first episode of South Park.) Yes, they’re talking to some people about distribution, but even if it gets out there it will be EXTREMELY hard to find.

Most likely.

But who the fuck cares, right? This movie was made for the pure joy of making a movie. And that’s all that counts. And I totally envy the guys who made it. This is what I wish I had the guts to do. (Except for the butt shots. Nobody wants to see that from me. And why did you have to linger so long on it?!)

But the real reason I’m reviewing it is because of my Jebadiah Leland tendencies. The filmmaker is a local boy and good friend of mine and I think he has a future in the business.

And I’m looking for someone to ride the coattails of.

Now, the film starts off with a disclaimer: “This is a bad movie. But it was made to be a bad movie.”

Yes, my buddy is a little insecure. But, really, he doesn’t need to be.

He describes the movie as “It’s as if someone gave Kevin Smith $700 and told him to re-make Invasion Of The Body Snatchers with Corey Haim and Corey Feldman.” And that’s almost exactly what it is. It’s a foul-mouthed b-movie with bad special effects and lots of one-liners.

But in this case, that’s not a bad thing. In fact, it’s a very good thing. The writer/director, Jonathan London, is a self-proclaimed geek for bad action movies and cheesy special effects. His favorite movies are, quite obviously, Army Of Darkness and just about anything with Jean-Claude Van Damme. (In fact, I think he’s got the whole collection. But don’t hold that against him.)

The plot follows Jon and his best friend, Kevin McCaffrey, as they battle their ex-school friends who are now pod people invaded by invisible alien spores.

But that’s only secondary to the homages, rip-offs and one-liners running throughout the movie’s 75 minute running time. Jon’s fandom has paid off. Yeah, there are a few too many pop culture references that border on Greg Araki territory, but for the most part they work. (Especially the test to make sure that Jon is a real person: name all of The Fantastic 4. Real names!)

And, no matter how much Jon loves the bad action flicks that he worships, he knows how ridiculous they really are. Jon and Kev are your typical buddies in a buddy flick like this, but they go a little beyond. Haven’t you ever wondered just how close some of those “buddies” really are? Why is it that these guys never seem to be able to keep girlfriends? But they always have each other, right?

Well, let me put this nicely. Jon and Kev were really close friends, but you always got the feeling that, somewhere deep down inside, they wanted to be even closer. But Jon was too busy pining over the girlfriend that he just lost to notice it.

(And remember, Jon. I don’t really think you’re gay. I know you did this on purpose to bring out the true nature of these kinds of stock characters. Right? Right?!)

And then of course there’s the scene with Jon’s brother, Paul, dancing around in his underwear with shaving cream. But we won’t even get into that. That boy has even less shame than his older brother. (What the hell was that, Jon?!?!)

Jon and Kev are amateur actors at best, but after a while you forget that these guys aren’t DeNiro and Pacino (hell, they aren’t even Damon and Affleck) and just get caught up in their personalities. And it didn’t hurt that they got better as the movie went on.

As a director you can always tell where Jon is coming from. He’s watched a lot of Sam Raimi movies (two scenes seem to be taken directly out of Evil Dead II and Army Of Darkness) and even more Hong Kong Kung-Fu flicks. His fight scenes are pretty well choreographed for a no-budget, Super 8 first film. (Actually, his first film was a documentary about his brothers, but I don’t know what happened to that. The last I heard about it he was editing it.) In fact, the one between the the martial arts Spore and Kevin was pretty exciting. Funny, too. Equal parts Matrix and Story Of Riki-Oh (which he includes a clip from—YES!!!) But Jon’s fight scene wasn’t gross like the ones in Riki-Oh were. Somehow raw hamburger meat can’t compare to intestines wrapped around guy’s throats.)

And who else would have thought of setting a fight scene with yourself to The Carpenters’ “Top Of The World”? You have to see it to believe it. (And that one had one of the funniest conclusions I’ve seen in a long, long time.)

Hopefully this movie gets some kind of distribution so that someone, somewhere can see it. It was definitely a first movie and very rough, but there were enough flashes of brilliance to show that there’s something more underneath and, with a little time and effort, it can show through. I wish Mr. London a long and illustrious career in the movie biz.

And a nice career for whoever did that opening computer animation sequence, too. That was pretty amazing for a movie like this.

By the way, if Harry Knowles knew about this screening (and even had it on his site from what Jon says…but I couldn’t find it) why the fuck wasn’t he there? Did I scoop him? Or did Jon already send him a copy and he didn’t feel the need to come? Either way, fuck ‘im. I was there.

Loved the movie, Jonny Boy…and I want a copy!! But next time make it down here instead of in Philly so I can help you with it. I would have loved to have been there.