SXSW2002– Blade II/a message to short filmmakers everywhere

And so the Festival is over. And what better way to end it than with a bang like Blade II. (Actually, I saw some shorts after this, but more on that later.) For those of you who didn’t see the first one, Blade (Wesley Snipes) is a vampire killer with a difference: he’s half vamp, half human. But now he has to team up with the vampires in order to kill a race of beings that could destroy every last vampire on Earth. Right now these things are only feeding on vampires, but what happens when they’re done with them?

That’s the whole story. Yeah, it’s a little weak, but nearly in director Guillermo del Toro’s (Cronos, Mimic and The Devil’s Backbone)) words, “I’m not trying to make high art. I’m trying to make a movie that will get some popcorn into you and make you go ‘Egh!’” (He also said that, as opposed to his other movies, this one is “about as subtle as a fart in a space suit”, but I’m too classy to repeat that.)

And he succeeds with flying vampire parts.

But I guess there’s a little more to the story. Blade meets up with his old partner again. Somehow Whistler (Kris Kristofferson) managed to miss when he shot himself in the last one (!) and was kept alive by the vampires to torment Blade. So Blade brings him back to the land of the living and gets his old friend back. But new friend Scud (Norman Reedus from The Boondock Saints and Mimic) isn’t so sure about Whistler 2.0. What if the hunger is still there?

And how about this new vampire chick who is occupying Blade’s time with fighting the new breed. Her name is Nyssa (Leonor Varela from The Tailor Of Panama and Texas Rangers) and she’s one tough chick. In fact, she almost kicks Blade’s ass when they first meet!

She and her crew (including Ron Perlman and Hong Kong superstar Donnie Yen who also choreographed a lot of the action sequences) have been specially trained to fight these things and now begrudgingly have to work with Blade to get rid of them.

But what really matters here is the action. And there’s action to spare. Donnie Yen has choreographed some pretty amazing fight scenes where Snipes gets to show off his knowledge of martial arts.

Del Toro and his actors all seem to be having the time of their lives making this flick. Where else do you get to see Snipes play with swords and generally be cool while kicking ass? (He’s always kicking ass, but how many times is he actually cool?) And Ron Perlman is great as the smart-ass vampire that we love to hate. He’s got it in for Blade and never lets up. (The role started out with about two lines, but del Toro and Perlman beefed it up a little.)

It’s a lot gorier than the original, but in a cartoonish way. That’s probably the only way it got its R rating. (Although Troma is always cartoonish and they never get an R. What’s up with that?) And, just to remind us that this is a comic book movie, first and foremost, del Toro loads it with comic book images and scenes from cartoons and anime. (Watch for the Powerpuff Girls in a real quick cameo. They’re on TV, of course. Don’t watch for them walking across the street to a club. They’re much too young for that.)

And keep in mind that every image is del Toro’s. There was no second unit team on this one. He wanted every shot to be his own. He would only do this if he had total control…and if he got to do Hellboy next. (Which he finally is doing with Perlman in the title role!)

Problems? Well, where’s Karen? If you’ll remember, she was a member of his Vampire Haters team at the end of the first one. I guess the superheros woman always has to disappear so he can get a new one in the next movie.) And then there’s Whistler, but I’ve already gone over that.

This is a great popcorn flick if you can turn your brain off and just go with the blood flow. And if you have a pretty strong stomach for vaginal monsters.

AND NOW FOR A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR:

I love shorts. I especially love funny shorts. Those always seem to work the best. That’s why I absolutely love to go to the Midnight Shorts Program and SXSW.

This year there was an animated short that Steve Martin wrote called Morto The Magician. It was pretty damn funny. (Morto is a completely inept magician who manages to crush birds, saw women in half and feed tigers.) There were really good ones, too, including Never Date An Actress. And then there were two that were just outstanding: Nougat and Interview With Spike Jonze.

Nougat is about a kid who plays the titular candy in the school Easter play about candy. He hates his life. No one really knows what he is. But at the Halloween play he gets his revenge.

Interview With Spike Jonze is just what it sounds like. But this time he’s not the one being funny. It’s the idiot interviewer who doesn’t know how the hell to work his camera that is the joke here. I have no idea if this was a real mistake or a put-on, but either way it’s funny as hell.

The best of the Animated Shorts Program was one called Profiles In Science. Dr. Albert Chung is the discoverer of movement among inanimate objects…including his loafing son. This is one of those shorts that builds as it goes. No one really knew if it was serious or not until about the middle of its five minutes. Then the educational video turns into high comedy.

But there’s always a problem with shorts programs…and that problem is, of course, the bad ones.

This year the worst of the lot was one called Hillbilly Robot. Unfortunately it was also the longest. At 24 minutes it was hardly a short. In fact, the only thing it was short on was laughs. (Wow. That was WAY too easy.) This was so bad that no less than two people told me to go see the Midnight Shorts, but leave for 20 minutes when it starts.

As near as I could tell it’s about a hillbilly who is a robot. Everyone hates him because of his mechanical insides. But his son sticks up for him even if his wife can’t. You see, she’s completely comatose for some reason. She’s found lying on the side of the road by some Russian hillbilly who pisses on her head and decides that he loves her.

The only laugh I got out of this was from the son. He’s a 100% talent free breakdancer who wears boxing gloves while he dances. When one of the kids starts doing The Robot he freaks out on him. That was at least mildly amusing.

All in all, though, I agreed with the guy who shouted when it was all over. “That sucked!!!” (Yes, someone actually did that. Bad form, old man.)

Now, here are my tips for those of you who are thinking of making your own short.

1) MAKE IT SHORT!!!! If you can tell the story in under 10 minutes, it’s a short. If not, don’t bother. No one will watch it. People will get up and walk out unless it’s particularly riveting. (I have seen some of those. George Lucas In Love is pretty long, but it’s also very funny.)

2) If the whole thing is based on an inside joke, don’t submit it anywhere. No one wants to see something that is only funny to you and 3 of your closest friends. That’s what begets shorts like Hillbilly Robot. It’s crap.

3) Don’t do experimental and then cry when people don’t understand it. If you’re not Darren Aronofsky you probably shouldn’t be doing experimental anyway. The worst piece of film I’ve ever seen was a 5 minute video of a wok shot with a red filter as it fried different objects. My friend who I was with actually changed seats so that he couldn’t see the screen anymore. When it was all over most of the audience laughed. There were, of course, those three people who pretended to “get it.” They clapped and said that it was brilliant. Personally, I think the only experimenting going on here was on the audience.

4) If you do drama make sure that it’s really fucking involving. If it isn’t then you’re just wasting our time. At least with a longer movie, even if it’s not very involving you can get into the characters. With a short there’s no time to really get to know the characters. This is why comedy is better for shorts.

5) If it’s animated you need more than a grandma stroking a cat saying things like, “I love to stroke my wet pussy.” While that’s funny for a little bit I just felt that there really should have been something a little more. It got a little tiring when the grandma shaved her cat.

6) Make sure that the short makes sense to the general public. That may seem like it goes along with #3, but this is something wholly other. This year there was a short called Christmas On Mars by one of the guys from The Flaming Lips. If you didn’t read the synopsis there’s no way that you could tell that it’s about the making of a movie starring them that isn’t out yet. Otherwise it looks like some kind of weird Spinal Tapian venture where these guys got together to make a “making of” video about something that doesn’t exist. But this time it was just plain boring. This kind of thing only works at a festival if it’s about a movie that everyone knows like last year’s The Man On Lincoln’s Nose about art director Robert Boyle. Everyone knows North By Northwest. (And if they don’t they don’t belong at a film festival.)

I guess that’s really about all I can think of. I know this is kind of hypocritical since I’ve never really made a short. (I don’t count the stupid ones I did for class. I only had a real passion for one of them and there were too many rules put on me for that one.) But life is full of shit. Get used to it.

But never get used to bad film. Just make fun of it.

Besides, we short filmmakers need all the help we can get. (I’ve got a ladder if anyone needs it.)