The Tuxedo

There’s just something that makes me love Jackie Chan. Oh sure, he hasn’t made a good movie in English that hasn’t been directed by Brett Ratner, but he’s still got a charm that you can’t deny. Even his detractors (there are some?) admit that. When I started hearing about The Tuxedo I was worried. It’s a movie about a sad sack cab driver named Jimmy Tong (Jackie) who gets a job as a driver for super-agent Clark Devlin (Jason Isaacs (The Patriot) playing a good guy for once). When Devlin goes down he gives Jimmy his tuxedo, which happens to be one of the most secret experiments in the CSA (were there too many movies made about the “fictional” NSA?). It’s a super suit that gives its wearer strength, agility, charm, depth, character and lots and lots of gadgets. (Didn’t Jerry Lewis do a movie like this?)

Now it’s Jimmy’s job to take over Devlin’s assignment with his new partner, Del Blaine (Jennifer Love Hewitt). They are to find out exactly what’s going on with Diedrich Banning (Ritchie Coster) and Dr. Simms (isn’t Peter Stormare better than this?) and their plot to poison the world’s water supply.

Wait, wait, wait. Back up. Jennifer Love Hewitt?!?!

Suddenly I knew that I had every right in the world to worry. When the movie opened with a deer pissing in a stream I wanted to leave the theatre.

Here’s a short list of things that we DON’T go to a Jackie Chan movie to see: car chases, wire-fu, romance, kicks in the nuts and gadgets.

Need I make a list of things that this movie gives us? First time director Kevin Donovan (Wait! He directed a Sammy Hagar video!! Get to the back of the line, Kev.) just doesn’t seem to understand what to do with Jackie.

While there are some pretty good car chases, who cares? They’re not good enough to make us forget that Jackie is the star. And even when he does get to kick ass (which isn’t quite as often as usual, but still more than the average bear), there are some obvious wire tricks. I realize that Jackie’s getting up there in years (he’s nearly 50!), I don’t want to see him fly through the air with the greatest of ease. I want to see him kick the legs out from under the bad guy. Hell, there are even times when he’s shown in fast motion. Jackie Chan. Fastest camera trick in the East.

Not to detract from the movie itself. It’s not totally horrible. After all, it’s better than Shanghai Noon. That’s not saying much, though.

There are some cute moments between Jackie and Jennifer. (Although she’s not too adept with the comedy yet. She comes off as a smart-ass bitch for most of the movie…not too charming. And when she gives Banning the tux at the end (sorry, did I give away the ending? Oops.) it only serves to give us the final show-down and makes no logical sense at all.) And the surprise cameo is pretty funny and leads to the funniest scene in the entire movie. (Not to mention the best of the obligatory out-take sequence at the end.) It did kinda turn me on to see Jennifer (or her stunt double, more likely) knock some dude off of his feet with a low spinning kick. Let’s see. What else? Oh! It was cool to see Colin Mochrie in a movie…even if he was only in it for about five seconds. And Debi Mazar is still one mahatmama.

Overall, the movie is just going to register as a blip in Jackie’s long career. I just wish that he would do some movies over here that were as good as Gorgeous or The Accidental Spy. (Sorry. I liked that one.)

Can’t wait for Shanghai Knights.

That’s sarcasm.