Shanghai Knights

HOLES–What the fuck? I couldn’t figure out what this movie was about. Something about a kid whose family is cursed to have bad luck for eternity (of course it could be because all of the males are stuck with the name Stanley Yelnats) and now he’s in a detention camp digging holes for Sigourney Weaver and John Voigt. Huh?

For the kiddie crowd. No one else will understand.

2 FAST 2 FURIOUS–Read the last line of the last review again.

A sequel to one of the worst car chase movies ever (ok, it had a couple of cool cars in it and I liked to look at Jordana Brewster) to ever make ass-loads of money that it didn’t deserve. It’s closest contender of course being Gone In 60 Seconds.

Watch for a bald head cruising by in a car. No, it’s not Vin Diesel, but they want you to think it is since there are no other stars here. (Paul Walker doesn’t count. No one saw his movie after the first of this series. And you know it’ll be a series. Damn.)

My only question: Point Break never got a sequel. What did they rip the plot off of for this movie?

PHONE BOOTH–Alfred Hitchcock once said that he wanted to make a movie in a phone booth. The closest he ever got was Rear Window.

Well, it looks like Joel Schumacher is going to finally do it. And he’s doing it with his favorite boy toy Colin Farrel. (Did anyone else think that Tigerland was strangely homo-erotic? Or, um, was that just me?)

This movie has been in the can for about six months, but because of a couple of guys who got it into their heads to be serial snipers, it got pushed back. So here it is. A movie about a guy trapped in a phone booth (Farrel) because a sniper (Kiefer Sutherland) will shoot him when he leaves. Then there are other complications involving the women in Farrel’s life (Radha Mitchell and Katie Holmes, both of whom he probably had lots of sex with on the set. While he wasn’t donging Britney, that is.)

It actually looks pretty good. And, for all the jokes, I do like Colin. He’s kinda cool in that Irish way. I’ll see it if only to see Kiefer turn his good guy role on 24 on its ear.

AGAINST THE ROPES–Ten bucks says that Meg Ryan falls for Omar Epps by the end of the movie.

This is a true story (at least the title card said so) of a woman who had a love for boxing. When she finally found someone who seemed to have some undisciplined talent (but hadn’t won a fight) she bought him from his sleazy agent (Tony Shalhoub who is always good at sleazy…or just about any other way you want him to act). Instead of getting a tried and true trainer (which I guess she can’t afford) she gets Charles S. Dutton (who also directed this one!).

Well, I dunno. Looks alright. Might catch it on video.

FINDING NEMO–A new Pixar movie! And this preview is actually funny!!

That’s right. This is a Pixar flick that I didn’t fall in love with at the beginning of the first preview I saw for it. In fact, I don’t know if I genuinely laughed at all. This time, though I got a few laughs.

Albert Brooks is a fish (but we all knew that, right? Yeah, I don’t know what it means, either. What? I’m supposed to always know what I’m talking about?) who is looking for his son, Nemo. For some reason he has to go to Sydney, Australia. Dunno.

Looks at least good and, since it’s Pixar I’ll see it in a minute. Although I have yet to see one of their movies on the big screen. DAMN ME!!!

Now, let’s get to the ass-kicking.

Or maybe not. Jackie’s not doing just a whole lot of that these days. And, if you remember right, Shanghai Noon was one of the worst American movies ever made with a Hong Kong bad-ass. Yeah. It sucked donkey balls. And that final fight scene…shouldn’t Jackie at least look like he’s in some sort of danger?

So I was all balled up on my bed with excitement over this one. That’s right. I was in the fetal position sucking my thumb wondering what the hell Hollywood was going to do to one of my HK heroes this time. Maybe they would just put a fucking monkey suit on him and make him dance the macarena while sucking fish through a straw and flinging pies at Katie Holmes.

Now there’s an image I want out of my head immediately.

So it was with a heavy heart that I went to see this movie. Basically, I was sitting at home doing nothing (ok, I was watching The English Patient for the first time…still haven’t finished it) and a friend called me asking if I wanted to see it. I haven’t been out of the house except to go to work or the grocery store for the past week, so I saw a chance to breath some semi-fresh air again and actually see any kind of flickering image on a big screen. That was about the only reason I went.

Well, I’m happy to report that this time out Jackie and Owen Wilson didn’t disappoint me to the verge of mass suicide. They were funny! Jackie had a couple of really cool fight scenes! There was an Asian hotty! (Fann Wong who has been on a whole lot of Singapore TV, but little else.) And it’s got Donnie Yen!!

Now, for those of you who don’t know who the hell I’m talking about, Donnie Yen is a fucking bad ass. He was in Once Upon A Time In China II with Jet Li (who he will be in his next movie (Hero) with), Wing Chun with Michelle Yeoh and, of course, Iron Monkey, one of the best kung-fu movies without Jackie, Jet or Michelle.

But on with this movie.

Roy O’Bannon (Wilson) and Chon Wang (Chan) are at it again. This time they’re after the man who killed Chon’s father (Kim Chan who has been playing “Old Chinese Man” since birth). Chon’s sister, Lin (Wong), follows the killer, Rathbone (Aidan Gillen), back to his homeland of England. He is 10th in line to the throne and is in a conspiracy with Wu Yip (Yen) to get the Imperial Seal, which happens to be a huge-ass diamond. With it they will, dare they say it? Rule England and China!

Of course we get the requisite fish out of water routine. Owen thinks he knows how the British are. Jackie knows he knows nothing, so of course he fits in better.

Basically the movie is one long, pretty funny joke and action sequence. Check out especially the first fight scene in England. One of the better latter-day Jackie set pieces.

Is it a perfect film for Jackie? Of course not. It has it’s share of groan worthy cheese. (Including references to The Beatles and The Stones, a Who song (not to mention other classic rock songs…did David Dobkin watch A Knight’s Tale too many times?) and a bunch of real characters making cameos, including one that was born two years after the movie takes place.)