Camp Hack'n'Slash

In the late 70s and early 80s there was a phenomenon that all kids went through. Kind of a coming of age experience that helped kids have lots and lots of fun outdoors, get picked on by older, “cooler” kids, wear really gay clothes and possibly, just possibly, have their first sexual experiences. It was called Summer Camp. Some kids loved it, some hated it, most did it.

But there were some of us who never did that sort of thing. Either we were too young or too poor. For those of us who were in one (or both) of these groups, we had the movies.

But what did most of those movies show? Some sicko camper or camp counselor who decided to chop the kids up. And I missed that?!?! Dammit, mom! How could you?!

Anyway, the grandaddy of all of these movies is, of course, 1980′s Friday The 13th. Jason Voorhees was an ex camper who started killing the kids of Camp Crystal Lake because some kids drowned him long ago. (Ok, actually it was his mom in the first one, but that doesn’t matter too much for the new movie…although she does make a cameo appearance or two.)

the genre has taken quite a few twists and turns over the years, but it’s kind of died off lately. But for some of us it is still a special part of movie history.

Back in 1984, Wes Craven dreamed up a new character that was even more frightening than Jason. This one was called Freddy Krueger and he attacked us not when we were able to protect ourselves, but when we were at our most vulnerable: when we were asleep and dreaming. A Nightmare On Elm Street started a whole new dimension of horror. The kids were no longer safe when they were asleep. (Not that they were in the Jason movies, but at least they weren’t actually being attacked in their dreams.) AND they were being attacked by someone who was already a bad, bad man. In life, Jason was just a slightly deformed and retarded kid who caught the shit end of the stick. Freddy was a child murderer who deserved what he got from the parents of Elm Street. His revenge is less justified and, therefore, more terrifying.

Plus, Freddy’s just a bad-ass. He cracks wise as he kills, he comes up with new and interesting ways to kill and he always comes out on top. Jason just hacks and slashes his way to the top.

But we love ‘em both. And that’s why, for the past 10+ years we have been waiting for them to team up. And, after 9 Jason sequels and 6 Freddy sequels, the two franchises have FINALLY gotten together. That’s why the Alamo Drafthouse decided to get together 1000 of their biggest fans and put them through hours of summer camp fun and then show four camp themed movies, culminating in the Big Showdown between Evil and Evil.

The beginning of the day was a lot of fun. We had all of the cheesy camp type activities: arts and crafts (postcards for home, Freddy glove/Jason mask making, Blair Witch craft, human fat candle making, paper airplane making), sports (dodgeball, sloshball (read: drunk kickball), Indian leg wrestling) and nature (swimming, snipe hunting). It was a beautiful day and we were all dressed alike. Weird. 1000 people from age 3-50 something, all wearing camp t-shirts and blue shorts. (Some shorter than others, some bluer than others.) Oh, and tube socks. Can’t forget the tube socks.

We were supposed to have a big tribal counsel, but that never happened. And we were supposed to have a wet t-shirt contest, but that got called off when some dude showed his dick onstage. (Apparently you can’t to au naturale in nature. Not at Camp Ben McCullough, anyway.) And they were supposed to let people who had won a blue ribbon in any event (my buddy and I won one for the 6-Man Relay) choose their spot on the field first. Didn’t happen. It soon turned into Woodstock.

Then they night really started. They showed 16 of the trailers for the previous Jason and Freddy flicks (only missing the 3rd Freddy, The Dream Warriors, which is one of the best of the series) and then started the flick.

And let me tell you, the wait was worth it. Usually if you’ve been waiting 10 years through 5 million different scripts you’re bound to be disappointed. And the first half of this movie was really very typical for the Jason series. Just a lot of killing with no real build up to any kind of conclusion. Then, when the second half started (for these Rolling Roadshows they have to take a break in the middle to change reels) things really started to heat up.

Let’s start with the story.

Lori (Monica Keena from Ripe and Dawson’s Creek) is living with her dad in the same house that Nancy lived in in the first Nightmare movie. Her mom was killed a few years ago in a car accident and her boyfriend left without saying goodbye. They were totally in love (for 7th graders), but he hadn’t written to her since. Needless to say, she’s a virgin who has never found a guy to replace Will (Jason Ritter). All of her friends are little bitches (including Kelly Rowland from Destiny’s Child and Katherine Isabelle from Ginger Snaps) who either want to get laid or want to get Lori laid, no matter who with.

But do we care about these kids? Not really. They’re just roadkill. We want F&J!

Freddy (Robert Englund) has lost his fear power. The parents of Elm Street have suppressed his memory and erased his existence from the town so that their kids won’t fear him and call them up in their nightmares. Apparently it’s working. But he wants to make a comeback.

When he finds Jason (Ken Kirzinger, stunt coordinator for X-Files and Jason Takes Manhattan–he was supposed to play Jason for that one, but Kane Hodder was able to do it again), he knows that he’s found a puppet that he can make do his bidding. He brings him back to life and makes like Mrs. Voorhees to get him to kill the kids of Elm. With a new killer, they’ll have to remember Freddy and be afraid again.

But Jason gets out of control. He kills what Freddy wants. And that pisses Fred off.

And of course there’s the big showdown that I’m not allowed to say anything about, but I wouldn’t want to ruin it, anyway. (Other test audiences weren’t allowed to even SEE the end of the movie. Harry Knowles convinced New Line that a) we wouldn’t say anything and b) we would be PISSED if we didn’t get to see the ultimate outcome of the ultimate match-up in horror history. And he was right.

Ronny Yu has done some great stuff in the past. The Bride With White Hair is one of the best of the sword and sorcery films to come out of Hong Kong. Legacy Of Rage was a decent action vehicle for a then unknown Brandon Lee. (Brandon’s only HK flick.) The Postman Strikes Back was…well…ok, that one sucked. But Bride Of Chucky revitalized that franchise and made me want to see all of the others again. It was a lot of fun and pretty disgusting all at the same time. So I was VERY interested to see what he would do with these flagging series.

He did exactly what I had hoped. He the the blood in with great glee, made it spurt like it hasn’t since Kurosawa stopped making films and brought these characters back to life. I loved every minute of this film, even the first half which, while it was a bit dry, was necessary for the amazing finale.

Hell, man, I can’t wait to see this one again. It rocked my world and made me want to own every movie in both series. Will someone please, please, PLEASE buy them for me?!?!

The Q&A session was pretty cool. Englund, Yu, Kirzinger and Jason series creator Sean S. Cunningham were all there. People asked them all kinds of silly questions, but they answered them gamely. For the record, their favorite kills are: Kirzinger–Jason slices someone in half in this one; Englund–Freddy turns up the volume on a deaf kid’s hearing aid in, erm, 4? I think? Robert’s favorite experience on a film was Big Wednesday (he was a big surfer and got to be a kid again for a summer) and he probably won’t direct again until he gets a chance on tv because he doesn’t think that he can act AND direct at the same time.

By the way, they’re talking prequel so that we get to see Freddy kill some kids before death. AWESOME!!! There was a taste of it in this one, but a whole movie will be kick-ass!

After that we took a little break, but the fun was NOT over. The next film we watched was the grandmother of all camp horror films, Sleepaway Camp.

In 1983, Robert Hiltzik did his only movie so far. It was a strange, weird, bizarre, disturbing camp horror flick that involved transexualism, homosexuality (latent and overt), kids killing kids, pedophelia and, of course, lots and lots of blood and cursing. LOTS of cursing.

Angela (Felissa Rose who didn’t act for 10 years after this movie…and then it was all z-grade horror flicks) was the only survivor of a boating accident killing the rest of her family. She went to live with her bizarro aunt and her mostly normal cousin, Ricky (Jonathan Tiersten who has only acted once since then…he is now in a band called Ten Tears…get it?) who does everything he can to take care of his traumatized cousin.

When the kids go off to summer camp things take a turn for the homicidal. Angela is hit on by the creepy cook. The counselors mostly seem to hate the mute girl as do most of the other kids. Only Ricky’s friend Paul (Christopher Collet from The Langoliers and The Manhattan Project…wow! and actual career sort of) and two of the other counselors seem to want to have anything to do with this strange, quiet girl. And Paul starts to fall for her.

Then the killings start. One by one all of the bad kids/workers start getting picked off one by one. Why? By whom? Nobody really knows. But we know that it has to be either Ricky or Angela.

Yeah, no shit we know who it is. It’s not that hard to figure out. This is basically a really, REALLY bad movie. But it’s so weird and disturbing that it makes it a cult thing. And that ending is just overly sick, twisted and evil. Not to mention probably illegal these days, but I won’t get into that. And, of course, Ricky’s constant verbal abuse of everyone who picks on Angela is fun. (“You cocksucking pricks! I’ll fucking kill all of you cocksuckers!!”)

Speaking of Little Ricky, he was there at the screening. He spoke for an excruciating 15 minutes after the movie. The boy ain’t no public speaker…but he’s a singer. Go figure. And he proved it by giving one of the most surreal performances I’ve ever been witness to. I actually saw Ricky from Sleepaway Camp perform and accapelo rendition of “Lean On Me” to 1000 horror fans. I can die a perplexed man now.

He also brought up the fact that Hiltzik is planning another Sleepaway Camp flick featuring Ricky and Angela as they are now. No Pamela Springsteen taking over the role this time. It’s actually going to be the real Angela and Ricky. Can’t wait to see what they do with them.

Next up was a wake movie. Madman came out in 1981 and concerns a small camp (5 youngsters, 10 counselors…maybe a bit of an exaggeration, but not much) of gifted kids who are terrorized by an old man who killed his family way back when. Madman Marz (Paul Ehlers) was hanged and axed (using the same ax he used to kill his wife and two kids) by the town locals. Now he’s come back to ax or hang anyone who catches his attention, which is done by saying his name in the woods above a whisper.

None of the people in this are of any importance because they are actually only fodder for the Madman to chop up, hang and, well, that’s really about it. Oh, and one gets stuck on a hook Texas Chainsaw style. There’s a very unattractive chick who seems to be the main focus of attention, her boyfriend (their sex scene is in a hottub and looks as if they were going down the drain), two guys who look like Hall & Oates and two other girls who look like rejects from bad 70s porn. And the old man who runs the whole thing looks like David Crosby. One of the guys (TP, to be exact…don’t ask) sings a song at the beginning about bodies never being found. Then David Crosby tells the story of Marz making it sound like a Doors song. (“He walked on down the hall to where his daughter slept…”)

There were kids, right? Yeah. Forgot about them. So did the movie, though, so that’s ok.

This was a horrible movie. Not much to really recommend it except that it’s horror and it’s part of the tradition of camp horror. But really it sucks a lot of ass.

So let’s move on.

Before the next movie things started to get a little damp. It sprinkled a bit and there was a little bit of lightning, but it stopped about 15 minutes into:

WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER!!! I’ve been wanting to see this flick for a while. It stars a lot of members of The State, Janeane Garofalo, David Hyde Pierce, Molly Shannon and Paul Rudd. They’re all counselors at a camp in 1981 who seem to be preoccupied by sex, drugs and rock and roll. But who isn’t?

I’m not even going to get into story lines here because it’s pretty much just a bunch of skits strung together with a nearly nonexistent link. Fortunately those skits are VERY funny. The scene where they go into town is hilarious as were all of the scenes involving the cook who would accidentally say things like, “It’s right next to my dick cream.” while treating his assistant like a soldier in Nam. But the gay sex scene was a bit much. Pretty graphic for a comedy and for not showing any real nudity. (Except for Freddy Vs. Jason, all of these movies had some kind of gay connection, even if it was very latent. It was kinda weird.)

But here’s the hell of this movie: when they took a break for the reel change it started to really rain. Tim League (owner of the Alamo) got onstage and said, “Sorry, guys. We can’t finish this. Lots of electronic equipment out here. I hate to end it this way, but we’re showing the movie tonight at midnight if you want to see the rest of it!”

Dammit!!! This was gearing up to be the second best of the fest and we only got to see half of it! This sucks!

Oh well. One more movie I have to stick on my rental list so that I can see the rest of it.

And a fun time was had by all (until the end when the rains came and washed the campers away) and I want to do it again. Looks like we’ll be able to, too. They’re already planning another all-nighter in October much like the one they last year and it will possibly involve another treat from New Line. That is, as long as no one give away the ending of Freddy Vs. Jason. So I can’t tell you that Michael Myers wins.

D’oh!