Alexander

Before we forge ahead to conquer the world, let’s do some preliminaries. SPANGLISH—The new James L. Brooks flick looks like a winner to me. Adam Sandler gets to stretch out his acting chops a bit as a sad-sack husband who hires a Spanish housekeeper/nanny (Paz Vega from Talk To Her and Sex And Lucia) to help his over-bearing wife (Tea Leoni) take care of their kids and her mom (Cloris Leachman). I’m in line already.

COACH CARTER—Ok, I’ve seen Hoosiers. And I’ve seen Dead Poet’s Society. And I’ve seen Lean On Me. What can this movie bring to this genre that we haven’t already seen?

Well, Sam Jackson for one. But that’s not enough to make me want to watch this true story of a basketball coach who taught his players how to learn. Uch.

OCEAN’S TWELVE—Speaking of already being in line. I’m all over this one like sex on Pam Anderson. The first one was great and, while the movie didn’t seem to have much of a sequel opportunity, I’m interested to see where these characters can go from here. And this new expanded trailer makes it look just as good as the first one.

BLADE: TRINITY—Not so sure about this one. I love the Blade character and the world that they’ve created in the films, but adding Ryan Reynolds and Jessica Biel to the mix kind of smacks of “let’s get some hot newbies in here!” I’m all for it, though. Jessica is pretty damn hot. And this looks like it’s at least good for a little fun.

THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA—This could be every bit as good as Phantom Of The Paradise!

This new trailer looks like it could at least be interesting, but I don’t have a lot of faith in it. Of course, I could be totally wrong and it could be the next Best Picture winner. Doubt it, though. The sets looks amazing and Emmy Rossum is beautiful. I’ll check it out because it looks like a definite theatre movie. Can’t have the same effect on the small screen.

THE INTERPRETER—Not so sure about this one, either. Nicole Kidman as a UN interpreter and Sean Penn as the government agent investigating her claims of conspiracy. Director Sydney Pollack (pairing again with Nic) is, I think, Sean’s boss. Could be a fun little assassination flick. Then again, could just be a stupid little pot-boiler with no basis in reality. I’m going for the former just because it’s a great cast and director and the preview kept me interested. And what accent does Nikki have in this one? I couldn’t really figure it out.

Now, ON WITH THE MASSACRE!

Most of us know at least a little bit about Alexander the Great. He came the closest in history to ruling the world. He led the Greek armies from their homes to Babylon to the Middle East and all the way to India before turning back and nearly settling down in Babylon. Oh, and he was gay. Very gay. And this movie doesn’t want you to forget that. In fact, it’s the first big budget gay action movie.

Alexander (Colin Farrell) is basically in a power struggle from the day he is born. His mother, Olympias (Angelina Jolie), worships snakes and sees herself and her progeny as the true rulers of Macedonia and Greece. His father, Philip (a one-eyed Val Kilmer), hates Olympias, but he thinks that his son could be a ruler. But what happens when Philip takes another wife and has another son? That problem is solved when Philip is killed and Alexander takes his place as the king of Macedonia.

He and his armies (which includes his lover, Hephaistion (Jared Leto)) strike fear into the hearts of their enemies and take over country after country. Alexander tries to be a benevolent tyrant by allowing the old rulers of some of the tribes to continue to lead under his rule. He also allows the royal families to stay in their palaces.

Things get complicated when he takes a wife, Roxane (Rosario Dawson—whose boobs are MUCH bigger without clothes—DAMN!). Does he just want a son? Or does he actually love her?

Oliver Stone has been wanting to make this movie for years. He and Val talked about it on the set of The Doors. (It’s cool to see Jim Morrison here worshiping Dionysus.) He’s been reading books about Alexander since he was a kid. It’s his big “dream project.”

And, like most dream projects not headed up by Warren Beatty, it falls flat.

First off Ollie, make your actors pick a fucking accent. You’ve got Alexander being an Irishman. (I know Colin can do another accent. Why didn’t he here?) He has a Scottish general. And Olympias is from…Transylvania? What the fuck is up with Angelina?

One good thing about the accents is that they are consistent even with different actors. The kid playing Alexander as a 10 year old (Connor Paolo from Mystic River) not only looks quite a bit like Colin, but he managed to match the slightly toned down Irish accent.

Second, your dialogue should make some sort of sense. It took me a LONG time to figure out what the hell Old Ptolemy (Anthony Hopkins who narrates from 40 years later) was talking about in all of his scenes. He’s supposed to be explaining the political problems that Alexander was having, but it just came out jumbled and confused. Let’s get back to the action!

Third, hire an editor. This movie was nearly three hours long, but it felt like 45 hours. I felt like I was trapped in every one of the 50 battles. Longest movie ever!

Fourth, no more elephant battles. I know, I know. This really happened. But Return Of The King kind of killed all of us on elephant battles. I kept looking for Legolas.

Fifth, I don’t mind if you show that Alexander was gay, but do you have to beat it into our heads? Ok! He’s in love with Hephaistion. We get it. We don’t need four scenes of the two of them gazing into each other’s eyes telling each other how beautiful they are. One will do. (See my editor comment. This just got silly.)

Sixth, don’t ever change your DP. Rodrigo Prieto’s cinematography was the best thing about this film. I heard about this review of another movie, but it fits here: it was like watching paint dry, but it was really beautiful paint. (The red filter at the end of the last battle was cool.)

Seventh, tell your actors to NOT OVER ACT!!! Yelling does not mean over do it. Be emotional, but don’t make me want to kick your ass. Colin was probably the worst offender here.

I truly think that Oliver has lost it. Sure, the battle scenes are impressive (if confusing and preceded by an inane Braveheart-like speech—both times), but I didn’t really care about anybody. And I didn’t know much about anyone’s relationships. (Except for Alexander and Hephaistion’s. That was pretty plainly spelled out.) Why did Alexander marry Roxane after seeing her dance once? History may not know, but I bet history knows that they met at least once before they got married. Or at least it knows why he chose her out of the six women who were dancing for him. I couldn’t even tell that it was her.

The Art hasn’t been kind to Stone in quite a while. His last great film was 1991’s JFK. Heaven & Earth (1993) was a little weak. Natural Born Killers (1994) was a piece of shit that has been mistaken for a masterpiece by some because they don’t think he was serious. (He was. Oh, he was.) The next year’s Nixon was very good, but nowhere near as good as JFK. U-Turn in 1997 was Stone channeling David Lynch and not doing such a great job of it. And Any Given Sunday (1999) was complete bullshit. The only things he’s done since then are three documentaries. Two were about his meeting with Castro. TWO! Happy with yourself, Ollie?

At this rate, Stone’s career is probably just about over. He certainly won’t be making any more really big budget movies. He’s made his Aguirre, Wrath Of God. Now he can pack up and go home. And he will probably take the sword and sandal epic with him. DAMN HIM!!