Spanglish

Hey, ese. Let’s see what those loco producers are doing in Hollywood. THE PACIFIER—Vin Diesel as a government agent who has to protect a family. So, Vin Diesel is Mr. Nanny.

Let me repeat that:

Vin Diesel is Mr. Nanny.

Heh heh heh. His career is dead.

IN GOOD COMPANY—This looks really good, though. Topher Grace as a kid who is taking over as Dennis Quaid’s boss. At first it’s a horrible experience for both. Then they make friends. Then Topher falls for Dennis’ daughter, Scarlett Johansson. (Who wouldn’t?) Things get complicated. I can’t wait.

BEWITCHED—Just a teaser and it already makes me a little bit sick. Not because it’s Nicole Kidman and Will Ferrell taking over for Elizabeth Montgomery and Dicks York and Sargent. Actually, I could really care less about that. Maybe that’s it. I could care less. I used to watch the show as a kid, but I really don’t care beyond that. Although the new premise is interesting (producers making a movie version of the show accidentally cast a real witch in the part of Samantha) and I love Nicole. Maybe I’ll check it out. I’m not running to the theatre, though. Perhaps I’ll saunter.

Ok, so it was a bad intro line, but what do you expect? I’m the only person in Texas who doesn’t speak a bit of Spanish. But I’m hear to offend every Spanish-speaking person in the world.

Anyway, James L. Brooks is one of those directors that everyone kind of takes for granted. He’s done plenty of great films (Broadcast News, Terms Of Endearment, As Good As It Gets, I’ll Do Anything….ok, scratch that last one), but they aren’t necessarily flashy directorial flicks. But, save for I’ll Do Anything, every one of them has been nominated for Best Picture by more than just Oscar and they’ve all been great ensemble films.

And his TV work has been just as amazing. He’s produced some of the greatest shows ever (Cheers, Taxi, The Simpsons, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, etc.). So the man can pretty much do no wrong, right.

Wrong. While I haven’t seen I’ll Do Anything, Spanglish is probably Brooks’ shakiest movie ever. It’s over-long and just doesn’t really go anywhere.

John Clasky (Adam Sandler in a great performance…no, really!) is the definition of milquetoast. He’s a chef at his own restaurant who is so afraid of success that he doesn’t want any more than 3 ¼ stars when a critic comes. (Of course, he makes a good point.) He kow-tows to his wife, Deborah (Tea Leoni), at every turn. Even when she’s berating their overly smart daughter, Bernice (Sarah Steele), and buying clothes one size too small for her because “You’ll lose that weight!” Their son, Georgie (Ian Hyland), likes to sing with his grandma, Evelyn (Cloris Leachman), who is an alcoholic ex-jazz singer.

But the Claskys aren’t really the focus of this movie (if indeed there is one). The main character is Flor Moreno (the beautiful Paz Vega who was in Sex And Lucia…if you haven’t seen that one, seek it out now). Flor has been in America with her daughter, Cristina (Shelbie Bruce), for a few years, but she has never learned English. In fact, she’s never really stepped out of her Spanish neighborhood in LA. But now it’s time for her to make a real living with only one job. She applies for the housekeeping job at the Clasky house not knowing that the job would completely change her and her daughter’s life.

I really liked most of these characters (except for Deborah…she was a shrill bitch who needed to be shot and then slapped), but after the fourth hour of the film I was ready for the Big One to take them all into the Pacific. After the fifth hour I was ready to run into that ocean myself.

Really, two hours and ten minutes is FAR too long to be hanging out with Deborah and her clan. The acting is great all around, but I was very annoyed by two characters. First and foremost was Deborah. She was over the top bitchy mom who thought that she was doing the right thing for her over-weight daughter. That can work to an extent, but Tea chose to play her as evil she-bitch from hell and I just hated seeing her on screen. (That’s a first for Tea. I usually love seeing her anywhere.) I think the writing had a lot to do with it, though. Some of the stuff coming out of her mouth was just atrocious. And the sex scene that was, I guess, supposed to be funny was really just uncomfortable and scary. It made me hate her even more.

The other annoying character was, unfortunately, Bernice. Sarah really tries to make the character her own, and she almost makes it. Unfortunately, she’s just not quite there, so she comes off occasionally as being annoyingly grown-up. Almost like a dwarf stuck in a little girl’s body…or something.

On the other hand, Adam Sandler puts in a performance of a lifetime (don’t laugh!) and Cloris Leachman is as great as ever. She’s probably the most sympathetic of the Claskys. (Besides Georgie, of course, but he doesn’t have much to do here.)

Paz Vega could just stand on the screen and I would probably say she put in an amazing performance. The woman is beautiful. Are all Latina actresses going to be perfect? Shelbie as Cristina was also very good. The scene where she translates her mom’s pissed off tirade against John is hilarious.

There are a lot of great scenes in the film (John and Deborah’s confrontation near the end is one of the best of its type I’ve seen on screen and John and Flor finally letting their feelings show was also handled very well), but there weren’t enough of them to make up the length of this movie. And by the end of it you’re just kind of wondering what happened for the last two hours. There’s no real follow-through with anything. I’m all for open-ended stories, but this isn’t necessarily the best story to do that to. We want to know if John leaves Deborah. We want to know if Cristina gets into college (the whole movie is told from her point of view in an entrance essay). We want to know SOMETHING, DAMMIT!

This was the first time I’ve ever been bored while watching a James Brooks movie. Seriously, some of the best parts were Adam Sandler’s high school picture in the background (look at that fro!) and one of my viewing buddies getting her foot caught between the seats of the theatre. And that’s pretty sad.

Really, it’s not a bad film. It’s just not good enough. There’s enough good here to see it, but watch it on video so you can take a couple of breaks.