The 40 Year Old Virgin

Let’s do it. But first, let’s wait a LONG, LONG, LONG time and start with some foreplay. We’ll just see if we get any further.

KISS KISS, BANG BANG—Shane Black is BACK! Well, I hope he is, anyway. His directorial debut and his first screenplay since 1999’s never seen A.W.O.L. (Before that it was the criminally under-rated The Long Kiss Goodnight from 1996, the movie that officially killed his career.) This one stars Robert Downey, Jr. as a thief who accidentally runs into an audition and gets a part as an detective. To teach him they bring in a real private eye played by Val Kilmer. (So many burned bridges in this movie.)

I can’t wait for it. Shane Black used to be one of the best action writers around. (Remember Lethal Weapon? He also wrote The Last Boy Scout and…um…Last Action Hero. Shut up!) Hopefully this puts him back on top. The studios kept fucking up his scripts, so hopefully he got full control when he decided to direct this one.

FUN WITH DICK AND JANE—Jim Carrey and Tea Leoni have the perfect life in suburbia. How did they get it, though? They steal. A lot.

Written by Judd Apatow (I’m there!) this is a remake of a 1977 flick with Jan Fonda and George Segal. It looks pretty funny. And with Judd behind the typewriter, it has to be good.

SERENITY—Yet another awesome trailer for the Firefly movie! This one has a little more plot (of course it revolves around River and the government goons looking to kill her) and a LOT more action and great one-liners. (“Do you want to run this boat!?” “Yeah!” “Well….you…can’t.”) Another one I can’t wait for. LONG LIVE FIREFLY!

Now, if only I could find someone with an extra ticket to the marathon at the Alamo. Hmmm.

Now, do you mind ever so much if I get down to business?

No?

Aaaaaahhhhh…..

Remember when everything was all about having sex?

Wait. Scratch that. It still is all about having sex. Nevermind.

Remember when sex seemed like the farthest thing away, but it was the closest thing to your mind?

Oh. Last night. That’s right.

DAMMIT! My intro is all fucked up now.

Andy Stitzer (Steve Carell) has done something that not many people are allowed to do these days. He has managed to remain a virgin up through the age of 40. No sex. At all. Not a sausage. (Bad choice of British phrase? Oh well. Live with it. I am.)

He’s been ok with his life of collecting action figures and riding a bike to work, but that’s all about to change. As soon as his co-workers find out about his affliction, they take it upon themselves to cure him.

Who are these men with a mission? Well, I’ll tell you.

David (Paul Rudd) is obsessed with his ex. Love was great for him until it ended. Now he’s a freako near-stalker who can’t even look at another woman without thinking about how Amy did whatever it is that the other woman is doing. And it’s been two years. Sad.

Jay (Romany Malco who once played M.C. Hammer!) has a girlfriend, but he can’t keep his sausage in it’s own blanket. He’s cheated on his woman so many times that she’s about to kick him the fuck out of the house. He just can’t stop no matter how great his girlfriend is. Sad.

Cal (Seth Rogen from “Freaks And Geeks”—sorry, buddy. It doesn’t matter what else you do. You’ll always be attached to that show. Be happy about it. It’s a good thing.) is crass and dirty. His mind is on sex all the time. And he’s a bit freaky about it. He’s got a story for every occasion and will do just about anything for the nookie. (Did I just paraphrase a fucking Limp Bizkit song? FUCK!!) He does this in exchange for any kind of real intimacy. Sad.

But Cal’s not completely sad. He gets a lot of the best lines. (“You’ve gotta wait till the seed grows into a plant. Then you’ve gotta fuck the plant.”)

There’s also Paula (Jane Lynch from A Mighty Wind and Best In Show), the boys’ horny boss at the electronics store. She watches nothing but Michael McDonald videos, but when she finds out about Andy’s little problem, she wants to help him out.

Uh, pass. You’re creepy.

Andy already has his eye on a deflowerer. Her name is Trish (Catherine Keener in the second great performance I’ve seen out of her in about two weeks) and she works at the E-Bay store across the street. She doesn’t actually sell anything in the store. She sells it on E-Bay. Which is confusing to everyone involved.

That’s the thin premise that this happily hilarious movie is hung on. One man trying to get laid in the modern age. He’s nervous. He’s geeky. And he’s so inexperienced it hurts. (Breasts feel like bags of sand? Really?!)

Surprisingly, though, he’s not where the main comedy comes from. Oh, sure, Steve is abso-fucking-lutely hilarious. And his condition does get a lot of laughs, but I never felt like anyone was truly making fun of him for it. The movie is strangely sweet-natured. Everyone really wants him to win.

The other guys, on the other hand, are completely dysfunctional. They’re total losers, but they don’t know it. They think that they’re better than Andy because they’ve had sex. Well, yes they have. But they don’t understand the passion behind it. They know sex, but they don’t really know love. (David thinks he does, but he only knows obsession. And sometimes it’s scary.) And a LOT of comedy comes out of that. These guys are pathetically awesome.

Judd Apatow (producer/director/writer of “Freaks And Geeks”) wrote (with Carell) and directed this flick with a lot of heart and soul. We always knew that it would end up ok for Andy, but we never knew just how bad it would get for him before it got better. It just kept getting worse and worse until it almost got hard to watch. Of course, I mean that in a good way.

And, luckily, he’s fond of his old co-workers. Not only is Seth a star of the movie, but “Freaks And Geeks” writer Steve Bannos (Mr. Kowchevski the math teacher) plays a dad at a Chinese restaurant and the guy who yells at Andy at the end of the movie is Matthew McKane who played Mike Stevens in a few episodes. (Matthew was also on Judd’s other Paul Feig created show, “Undeclared.”) I’m sure there are more “Freaks And Geeks” and “Undeclared” folks here, but I couldn’t spot all of them.

But anyway, this is one of the few movies in a long time that has actually been consistently funny AND the comedy has actually been character driven. All of the actors are great with Steve and Catherine being the absolute standouts. (Of course, they are the leads, so it’s good that they’re the standouts.) Just about everything that Steve says is funny and he goes all out for the comedy. Of course, the chest waxing scene is all real (“AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH, KELLY CLARKSON!!!!”), but there is plenty here that not all actors would do to themselves for a silly little movie. And Catherine just keeps surprising me. She was awesome again.

And then there’s that ending. It’s amazing. I’ll never hear “Aquarius/Let The Sun Shine In” the same ever again.

Of course, this isn’t a great film, but it’s not trying to be. It’s just trying to be funny. Painful to watch at times, but funny as hell. And it succeeds on all levels. Steve Carell is a star. And Judd Apatow is a fucking genius. I can’t wait for Fun With Dick And Jane.