Fantastic Fest 06–Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning/The Last Supper/Parasite in 3-D

Time for the second Fantastic Fest! I love this festival. There are parties, but they really don’t seem to matter much to anybody. It’s all about sittin’ on your ass and watching lots of movies. In fact, if I stick to my schedule, I could conceivably see 30 movies in the next eight days.

OH, SWEET JESUS!

Before I get to the movies I saw yesterday, let’s start with a preview that New Line stuck on the beginning of the opening night special feature.

TENACIOUS D IN THE PICK OF DESTINY–Um…I really want to see this movie. I love The D. I love Jack Black. Kyle Gass is pretty damn awesome, too.

But why the FUCK doesn’t this trailer look better?! It actually looks like a really crappy movie. Every joke kind of fell flat but maybe one. Jack and Kyle don’t even really look like they’re having the best time making it. Hopefully it’s better than the trailer leads on, but I’m scared now. I’ll still see it, though. BAA-AA-AA-AAA!

Now for the real movies.

TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE BEGINNING

Let’s start off with a disclaimer. The original TCM is one of the greatest horror films ever made. It was able to be gory without being gory…if that makes sense. Everyone remembers seeing the hook go into the girl’s back, but it was never actually shown. There’s actually not a lot of blood in the original. I mean, not as much as you would think there would be with the words “chainsaw” and “massacre” in the title. Hell, not even as much as you would think with the word “Texas” in the title.

Then came the 2003 remake. With Michael Bay producing, the movie beat you over the fuckin’ head with violence and gore. According to the makers of this new film, the original remake (?!?!) started the whole in-your-face, disturbing-as-hell gore genre that Saw and Hostel took to it’s, seemingly, final conclusion.

Director Jonathan Liebesman and producers Brad Fuller and Andrew Form wanted TCM to take back the crown of gore…that it never really had in the first place.

Whatever, this movie is one of the goriest films made in quite a while. Hostel might have been a little more realistic, but I think this one may actually top it.

Now, does that make it a good movie? Um…no. Not really. It makes it so excessive as to be a little overwhelming at times. Almost laughable. And, since the filmmakers weren’t going for laughs….well, you see what THAT’S going.

In case you don’t know, this is a prequel to that lame-ass remake (hence “The Beginning” in the title). It follows little Leatherface from birth in 1939 to age 30. Of course, those first 30 years are covered before and during the opening credits, so we don’t get much feel for the boy Leatherface. Probably a good thing. I don’t want to feel sorry for this guy.

It also tells the story of how Leatherface’s family really got together and how they got to be the way they were in the remake. We’ve got Sheriff Hoyt (R. Lee Ermey in, honestly, one of his best roles ever), and the whole famn damily showing up again and making Leatherface into what they want him to be: a homicidal maniac who cuts up people like he’s cutting up a cow.

On the other side of things are the kids. Chrissie (Jordana Brewster who looks better than ever) and Eric (Matthew Bomer) are planning on getting married as soon as Eric gets back from Vietnam, which he is re-enlisting for. Apparently, one tour wasn’t enough. Eric’s brother, Dean (Taylor Handley) was drafted. He and his girlfriend, Bailey (Diora Baird) aren’t quite as serious as Chrissie and Eric, but they’re still a hot couple. And that’s all that matters.

The four of them are driving to California so that the boys can go off and shoot people and the girls can cry.

Unfortunately, they decide to pass through Texas. And that’s where all hell breaks loose.

There is some really good stuff here and that stuff is a lot of fun. Then there’s some really bad stuff that makes this movie not as good as…well, with Michael Bay producing it’s probably better than it ever should have been. It’s certainly better than the remake. But that’s not saying a whole lot.

See it for a matinee. And for R. Lee. He’s fucking amazing.

And for Jordana’s ass. (Speaking of which, I was disappointed with the amount of nudity in this movie. If they REALLY wan to get back to the basics of this kind of horror, they would have all kinds of gratuitous nudity, too. And, considering both of these girls have done it in the past (Diora even posted for Playboy), I wonder what the problem was. No balls at the studio? They already had enough trouble with the MPAA for the violence. Let’s not play with nudity, too!)

THE LAST SUPPER–From one group of cannibals to another. This time, it’s a Japanese plastic surgeon who is the cannibal. One day he just decides to take some leftovers home from work and starts his path to enlightenment.

While this isn’t a great movie, it’s one of the best J-horror films I’ve seen in a long time. And I’m including some of the ones that I saw last year at this festival. (Pulse, anyone? Uh…anyone?!) It’s a really disturbing, yet kind of fun horror flick with a freaky lead character. And a few characters with some pretty freaky surprises. Check it out if you’re into that sort of thing. The girl who introduced it said that, when she saw it, she was eating. She had to stop. That was the mark of a good movie. I didn’t think it was THAT disturbing, but it was pretty disturbance inducing.

PARASITE (1982)–I haven’t seen a 3-D movie in the theatre in a while. Polar Express, I guess, was the last one and that wasn’t so good.

For an early 80′s 3-D movie, this one worked really well. Of course, that says nothing of the plot. What says more about this plot is the idea that Demi Moore would probably rather forget that this movie ever existed.

Demi was about 19 years old when she made this. It was her second movie (after disease-of-the-week movie, Choices) and, apparently, “the first futuristic monster movie in 3-D!” Whatever that means.

Paul Dean (Robert Glaudini) has something living inside of him. It’s something of his own creation and he now wants it out. In fact, if he doesn’t find a cure for this creature the entire planet could die even more than it’s already dying. (Apparently, there was an apocalypse. Don’t know when or how, but there was one.)

Paul shambles his way into a small town that a bunch of punks have all but taken over. And when an agent from the company he worked for shows up everything goes even more to shit.

The 3-D effects are good (if cheesy), but that can’t save a movie that has dull written all over it from being a phone book version of the post-apocalypse era. There really aren’t any good performances and no good dialogue. It’s all about the 3-D and the gore, which is pretty good for 1982. (It is, after all, Stan Winston.)

Skip this one and find some other early-80′s PA flick…like Mad Max.