Grindhouse

As soon as I heard that Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino were going to do a double feature to pay homage to the old grindhouse movies that they grew up with, I knew that we gorehounds were in for a treat. I mean, who better than the two gurus of exploitation knowledge to do this sort of thing? And when I found out that there were going to be trailers and everything was going to look like it was actually shown in a grindhouse theatre 1000′s of times, I KNEW that this was going to be done right.

And, thank Fulci, I was right.

The movie starts off with one of those old school ‘Coming Attractions’ strips with the rainbow letters coming together in the middle of the screen. Anybody who ever went to a sleazy theatre back in the day knows exactly what I’m talking about. Then we move into a trailer for a movie called Machete. If Robert decides to make this movie (which I’ve heard that he might), it may be the first R-rated movie made about a character from a kid’s movie franchise. (Machete is Danny Trejo’s character from the Spy Kids movies.)

And, honestly, this is the best trailer of the bunch. It’s pretty fuckin’ amazing. and I’m NOT just saying that because I recognized every single landmark that they shot in front of, but it’s actually a great trailer. I can’t wait to see Cheech Marin as a priest who kills people with great vengeance. Nothin’ better than that.

Then we move directly into Robert’s Planet Terror. Cherry (Rose McGowan in her best role ever) is a go-go dancer with an apparently sad past. She can’t get through an entire dance without crying. When she goes to JT’s (Jeff Fahey who is looking pretty rough these days) bbq place, we find out a little bit of the reason that she cries so much.

She meets up with the guy she left, Wray (Freddie Rodriguez). This ain’t no meet-cute. They’re pretty pissed off at each other. But things really go to shit when Lt. Muldoon (Bruce Willis) and his men let lose a biochemical agent that starts infecting people in the sleepy little town. Then again, when a town is full of zombies, it’s not really sleepy anymore, is it?

Meanwhile, Dr. Dakota Bloch (Marley Shelton) is trying her best to get away from her insane husband, Dr. William Bloch (Josh Brolin). Her once and future lesbian lover, Tammy (Fergie and her lady lumps), is on her way to rescue her and her son. Zombies don’t help much.

But things don’t REALLY get started until Wray gives Cherry her new leg.

Robert really knows what he’s doing here. There’s nothing to take you out of the mood of the grindhouse. The music, the story, the gore, the occasional missing reel. (Dammit! Did it have to be right there?!) It’s really hard to say that a movie like this is good, but GODDAM, it’s awesome! It was so much fun that I started to not even notice all of the artificial flaws in the film. It’s just a good, old-fashioned gore film built off of a tiny bit of political commentary.

And, yes that’s b-movie start Michael Biehn as the sheriff and special effects guru Tom Savini as his deputy. No, he didn’t do the effects here. That would be Greg Nicotero and his KNB EFX Group. They have pretty much surpassed anything that Tom can do at this point. He’s too busy with his school in New England to do much these days…unless, of course, Robert asks him to.

Next up are three more trailers. Eli Roth’s Thanksgiving is the one that everybody was talking about at South By Southwest this year. It’s pretty awful and over the top, but it’s a lot of fun. And nowhere near as edited as I thought it was going to be.

Edgar Wright’s Don’t is pretty much exactly what a trailer for this kind of movie should be: gory, repetitive and pretty stupid. Which, of course, makes it perfect. Not so sure I would go see the movie (unless Edgar actually directed it…I would see anything he did at this point) but the trailer was great.

Rob Zombie’s Werewolf Women Of The SS is the most fully realized of the trailers, but I think it calls a little too much attention to the stars. Sure, there are boobs and gore all over the place, but did we need the announcer to point out the star cameo at the end? No. Not at all. He should have just been a face that people recognize. These movies rarely ever had anyone notable in them, much less someone of this stature. Fun, nonetheless. I would see this movie, even if it does have Udo Kier in it.

Now for the second of the double feature: Tarantino’s Death Proof.

Stuntman Mike (Kurt Russell) is a bastard. He goes to the Texas Chili Parlor, picks up girls and then kills them with his car. What kind of an asshole does that to someone who looks like Rose McGowan? Or wants to do it to someone who looks like Sydney Tamiia Poitier? Luckily there are women like Abernathy (Rosario Dawson), Kim (Tracie Thoms from the ill-fated “Wonderfalls”) and Zoe (stunt woman Zoe Ball) to keep guys like this in check. (Mary Elizabeth Winstead from Sky High was in here, also…in a cheerleader uniform. Wow. I think I love her.)

My only complaint about Quentin’s movie is that there is actually too much exposition. I didn’t need to know nearly as much about the characters as he wanted me to know. They spend a LOT of time talking about the guys they’re not fucking and the guy who is really too much of an asshole to call them even when they ARE fucking them. It leaves precious little time for the action that we all came to see. I can’t believe that I’m faulting a movie because it had too much character development, but this kind of movie really doesn’t need this much.

Oh, and there’s WAY too many shots of feet. We get it, Quent. You LOVE some fuckin’ feet. The rest of us are over it, though. This movie seems to be about feet for the first, like, half hour. It’s like a Russ Meyer movie with feet instead of breasts. And, while that’s not entirely a bad thing, I’m kinda over Quentin’s fetish. (Oh, and don’t ride in a car with your foot hanging out the window. Not a good idea at all.)

It was good to see Kurt be a bad-ass again. There’s nothing quite like Snake Pliskin telling a girl that he’s going to kill her and there’s really nothing she can do about it. It does the soul good. And he seemed to have a LOT of fun with it, too.

I liked Death Proof a lot, but it was a bit slow. And it really seemed like Quentin just kind of ran out of steam towards the end. I know that he wasn’t done when SXSW rolled around, so I really think he ran out of time. There’s a point where the film is no longer distressed and it starts to look like a normal modern movie. I think that’s where he said, “Fuck it. We need to get this in the can.” and just put it out. Which is kind of too bad because it kind of broke the mood of the whole experiment.

Overall, though, Grindhouse was an amazing experience. My only wish is that I had seen it at the Alamo downtown instead of a big, giant, piece of shit, 30 screen “theater” where you need a fucking compass to find your screen. Fuck these big-ass conglomerates and their noisy-ass buildings with so many kids in them that you can’t figure out who is seeing what movie once they get dropped off by their uncaring parents. I swear that if I see or hear one more kid in a movie like this, I’m going to slap a bitch. There is NOT reason for a kid to be in this theatre while this movie is playing.

AND I don’t know if it’s just because I come from a town where people know how to watch movies (for the most part, anyway), but TURN OFF THE FUCKING CELL PHONES WHEN THE MOVIE STARTS!!!! I was sitting in the front row of the main section of seating and a guy came into the movie (late, of course–he walked in as Death Proof was starting) talking on his goddam cell phone! He was lowering his voice a little bit, but not much. And then he proceeded to walk across the theatre while talking on the phone. I heard him the whole fucking way. And another guy had his fucking Nextel on the whole time! He would go to the hallway at least when it beeped, but THAT’S STILL INSIDE THE FUCKING THEATRE!!! GO OUTSIDE. TELL THE PERSON ON THE OTHER END TO FUCK OFF. THEN TURN IT OFF! IT’S THAT FUCKING EASY!!!

How do people in Houston stand this? I don’t understand. Walk in a movie theatre (or a stage-type theatre). Lights go down. Turn off ALL electronic devices. ALL OF THEM!!! If you’re a doctor, I kind of understand. But turn it on fucking vibrate, so you don’t disturb the entire audience. Unless, of course, you want everyone to know that you’re a doctor. In that case, leave the fucking theatre. Congratulations. You’re a douchebag.

Um…ok. That’s enough of a rampage. I like this movie A LOT. If you love horror movies as much as I do, see it. If you love exploitation as much as I do, see it. If you love boobies as much as I do, see it.

And, by the way, I have a new respect for Rose after seeing an interview with her. I always thought she was just a ditzy dumbass who got famous for fucking all the right/wrong people. She was actually very funny and smart in the interview. I can see why she’s attractive again.

Now, let’s just hope that Robert can keep making awesome, fun movies without his ex-wife. Sigh.