Harry Potter

(In fairness to all of those Christians out there who DON’T hate Harry Potter, I have changed the word “Christian” here to “Evangel-a-holes.” It’s just this small portion of so-called Christians that I’m on about: the ones who use their religion as a reason to hate.)

There’s a storm coming…and it’s called Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows.

As a lot of you know, I’ve become a HUGE Harry Potter fan. I’ll admit it right here and now. If I could, I would be Harry Potter.

Or, well…maybe Ron. I don’t want to have quite the tragic life of Harry. I probably would have offed myself years ago.

But I’m not really here to talk about my love for all things Hogwarts. No, I’m here to talk about the detractors. On the eve of the release of the final book, I think it’s finally time that we confront them and tell them exactly what it is we see in this story.

Around the time of the first movie (I think it took that long, actually), a bunch of Bible thumpers came out against this little story. Apparently, wizards and witches are all dark and anti-God. They’re not Christian, so they must be evil. In fact, HARRY POTTER IS THE ANTI-CHRIST!!!

Yeah, they held boycotts. They burned books. They held pray-ins to keep children “safe” from the evils of a childrens’ book. A popular one, indeed, but still…a children’s book.

According to Evangel-a-holes, these books teach kids about the evils of magic. And, of course, all magic is black magic. Only one man in history has ever been able to do magic…and that’s THEIR hero. No one else’s hero is allowed.

And, of course, there’s all of those other evil lessons that Harry and his friends teach…things like the importance of friendship. The fact that you don’t have to go it alone. The fact that people who love you never leave your side, even in death.

That’s right. A lot of the same lessons that the Bible teaches.

There have been many books that have magic in them that haven’t been protested by Evangel-a-holes (including The Chronicles Of Narnia and Lord Of The Rings…both written by devout Christians). Why this one?

One reason: popularity. To paraphrase John Lennon (another artist whose work was boycotted after a run-in with Jesus), Harry Potter is more popular than Jesus. Kids would MUCH rather read about Harry, Ron and Hermione than Jesus, Moses and Noah. Harry Potter is DANGEROUSLY close to outselling their book! (If he hasn’t already.)

Now, I’m not saying that Harry Potter is more important, historically, than the Bible. Obviously, the Bible has influence a LOT more people than the story of a boy going up against a Dark Lord when everyone else has failed. All I’m saying is that JK Rowling is a better writer than Peter, Paul, Luke, John, et al. I don’t think JK would have wasted all that time on “begats.”

Seriously, though, when I read Harry Potter books (or watch the movies), I feel really happy. I feel like I’m 12 years old again and I can’t wait to see what happens next. This is the first time that I’ve ever been biting at the bit for a book to come out. And millions of kids are feeling the same way. They WANT to read! For the first time in decades, kids would rather read than watch tv! It started with the first book and has just been getting stronger. Publishing companies have been breathlessly trying to find something as good (or if not, as popular) as Harry. They’ve pretty much failed across the board, but they’ve come close. I haven’t read any of the Lemony Snicket books, but I hear they’re pretty good and they were REALLY popular. (Even if the movie wasn’t.)

So…what’s the problem? Why do Evangel-a-holes hate it when kids read? Don’t you think that kids reading is a GOOD thing? Maybe they might even read YOUR book if you put it in front of them and tell them that it’s an adventure story!

In fact, here’s an idea: revamp the Bible. Make it more exciting. Rewrite it a little. It’s not blasphemous, ya dumbass. It’s PR. After all, the Bible is just a collection of parables, right? (I know, you don’t want to think of it like that. You like to think of it as “The Word Of God.” Guess what? That Word has been through so many translations that the original Word is lost. Hell, Moses was probably a woman in the original.) So, let’s see what we can do to make the Bible a little more…sexy.

Wait…there’s quite a bit of sex in there already, isn’t there? And violence. LOTS of violence. In fact, that’s kind of where we get the idea that violence is better than sex, isn’t it? People are swallowed by whales and turned to pillars of salt. A kid throws a rock and kills a giant (hmmm…kinda like Harry Potter might in this next book). Entire armies are swept away by rivers. Millions are killed by a flood. Limbs are ripped off. Lions are unleashed on kids.

And, instead of two loving parents making a child, we get a woman who is suddenly impregnated by magic…by an unseen being who eventually kills his son.

Weird.

Yeah, that’s pretty fucked up, honestly. I’m not sure I like that story. The Greeks wrote that kind of story all the time, and it always ended badly. And then a chariot came out of the sky to swoop the “hero” up.

Now, let’s check out the Harry Potter story:

A young orphan is dropped off with a family who doesn’t like his kind. Eleven years later, he finds out that he has magical powers. He is taken away from his unhappy life under the stairs to a place with others like him. Through the strength of his friends and faith in himself, he finds ways to constantly defeat Voldemort, even when the odds are so against him that he thinks he’s going to die. Others do die. Others who are very close to Harry. But, even when things look their worst (as they do at the end of book 6), he keeps soldiering on. He knows that he’s the only one who can defeat this guy for good, so he never gives up. And his friends don’t give up on him. They’re with him every step of the way.

Who wouldn’t want that kind of support group?

Really, I’m not trying to knock Christianity. I have a few friends who are very devout Christians. It’s helped them through some very difficult times in their lives. And that’s great. I’m glad there was something there for them to lean on in those dark times.

Here’s what I’m really trying to knock: Evangel-a-holes who apparently don’t want the rest of the world to have any fun.

To those of you who think that Harry Potter is the anti-Christ (even though, really, he’s a bit more like Moses), I have this to say to you:

You don’t deserve Harry Potter.

That’s right. You don’t deserve to feel as good as I do when I read these books. You don’t deserve to feel like a kid again. You trying to take them away from kids all over the world is like someone trying to pull friends apart.

No, seriously! Harry Potter is a friend to all of those kids out there who are reading these books. To many of them, he’s as real as any of their real friends. (To me, he’s as real as, say, Luke Skywalker. You just TRY to take Star Wars away from me!) They’ve invested so much time into that friendship that he may as well be real. They’ve read and re-read those books more than most kids re-read comic books back in the 50s. I’m sure some of them re-read them more than they re-watched Shrek. And THAT’S a LOT!

Magic isn’t real. (Well, I don’t THINK it is.) Most kids of Harry Potter age know this. If they don’t, then, well…they have more problems than taking Harry away from them can cure. JK Rowling is not a witch trying to teach kids “black magic.” Harry Potter is not going to take the place of Jesus in the hearts of Christian children everywhere.

Just the Jewish ones.

All JK Rowling is out to teach kids is that they have the strength inside of themselves to overcome anything. And friends and family can help them find that strength.

Of course, the overpowering force behind all of the good in the book is something that these Evangel-a-holes know nothing about: Love. Love conquers all evil. Love protects us from all evil. Love makes the world go ’round. Love is a many splendored thing. All you need is Love.

Is that a bad message?

And to the person who decided that the saga of the mandrakes is saying that abortion is ok…you’re REALLY reaching, aren’t you? I mean…it’s just silly.

The same guy (Michael D. O’Brien) says that Harry’s disobedience is never punished:

“There are other serious problems in these books, notably the question of authority and obedience. Harry’s faults are rarely punished, and usually by the negative authority figures in the tale. The positive authority figures actually reward Harry for his disobedience when it brings about some perceived good. His lies, his acts of vengeance and his misuse of his powers are frequently ignored. The message of ’the end justifies the means’ is dominant throughout.”

Have you READ the books, dude? If Harry hadn’t “misbehaved,” Voldemort (or, the Devil in your world) would have taken over. Would you like if it Daniel had just laid down and let the lions eat him like his captures wanted? Or if Moses had just kind of let the Egyptians walk all over him? Or maybe if Jesus had done a few magic tricks for Harrod?

So, yeah. I think going against Snape to overcome the “ultimate evil” is pretty small potatoes. Shut up.

And, could someone help me out here: Is Slytherin really another name for Satan? Or Azkaban? I had never heard those words in my life until JK Rowling made them up. (And a quick search on Google and Wikipedia backed me up.) Here’s his quote:

“Harry also learns a new vocabulary, including such words as Azkaban, Circe, Dracho, Erised, Hermes, Slytherin, all of which are names of real devils or demons. These are no characters of fiction.”

Seriously? Circe? I’ve read these book twice and I don’t remember reading about Circe. Besides, she was a Greek goddess…not Satan.

Dracho? Um…maybe some form of “dragon”? That’s what Draco means. What’s this new spelling? I couldn’t pull anything up on Google that related it to a demon, much less Satan. Although, dragons are (typically) evil. So he’s got that.

Hermes (I guess Hermione) was a messenger between the Greek gods and the humans.

Erised, as in The Mirror Thereof: read it backwards, fool. There’s nothing else that comes up under THAT name, either. I highly doubt that a different culture in a different time would have named their personal demon a backwards English word. Just a thought.

This guy’s an idiot and more dangerous than Harry Potter ever could be. We should all just lay down in the face of evil if someone else doesn’t believe that that evil is there and fear any words that we don’t understand.

Like I said…doesn’t deserve to feel happy.

Anyway, it’s nearly 5am and I’m ready to sleep…at least for a few hours. The book comes out tomorrow…or today. And I can’t wait.