Butt-Numb-A-Thon VI 12/11-12/04
“No, Doctor. Moral standards can never be high enough. Especially here, where all of nature seems to conspire against us. Everything grows with a sort of savage violence; today you will see strange flowers where yesterday there were only roots.”
And just to remind us of that fact, we have a little hedonistic festival of the geek kind every year here in Austin. Thanks to Harry Knowles’ birthday and the Alamo Drafthouse, we all got to sit on our asses for 24 hours straight watching some of the strangest, coolest and, at times, rarest films ever made. It’s also a chance to proclaim our geekness to the entire world. People come from all over the world (the longest trip was from the Philippines this year) for this. Crazy, huh?
And this year, for the first time since, I think, the first year, it was actually held on the Big Man’s birthday! That was kind of cool.
As always, we started off not knowing what the hell we were getting into. We all had guesses (The Life Aquatic!? The Aviator!?!?) but we were completely in the dark. Harry put up an alternates list on his website, and it ended up nearly matching up as far as genre or plot points or whatever. Other than that, no hints.
So there we all sat in line with our pillows and backpacks full of stimulants, making predictions on what we were about to see, checking out that hot chicks who were there (you’d be surprised, o ye unfaithful) and waiting in anticip……………………pation.
Harry started us off with a film that he saw as a kid and that he knew would take us back to our 10-year-old selves. (Best way to start a festival, I think. Make us kids again.)
WILLIE MCBEAN AND HIS MAGIC MACHINE (1965)
Directed by: Arthur Rankin Jr.
Written by: Arthur Rankin Jr./Antony Peters (uncredited)
This was Rankin/Bass’ first full-length Animagic theatrical film. For those of you who don’t recognize those words right away, they’re the guys who made that classic Rudolph stop-motion flick that we all watch every year at Christmastime. I’ve always loved those films and it was good to see one that has been forgotten in time.
Made in 1965, it’s not exactly the most, erm, PC kid’s movie ever…but we’ll get to that in a minute.
Willie McBean (voiced by Billie Mae Richardson, who also did the voice of Rudolph the year before, and pretty much forevermore—disappointing, but not surprising, that she’s a 40-something year old woman) is a normal kid who hates studying. He especially hates history. His strongest subject is science. He’s an inventor, you see. So, when he’s approached by a Mexican monkey name Pablo (wearing a giant sombrero, no less) with the plans for a tiny time machine, he’s neither surprised, nor is he flummoxed by the fact that he has to build one in order to stop a man named Professor Professor von Rotton (Larry D. Mann, who was Yukon Cornelius).
Von Rotton wants the world to know his name, so he is going to go back in time to stop historical events so that he can do them, therefore putting his name in the history books.
Let’s not think about the flaws in this plan. It’s a kid’s movie.
What ensues is a trip through time that is trippier than just about any other time traveling flick out there. Willie and Pablo make it to the Old West, 1492 Spain (with a Columbus who sounds like Chico), King Arthur’s court, and pre-history complete with cavemen and dinosaurs.
As far as Rankin/Bass flicks go, this is pretty bad. The characters are flat, the songs are bad, blah, blah, blah. But fuck that. It was a LOT of fun. The unintentional racism was funny (imagine a Mexican monkey saying things like, “I am just a Latin lover!” and remaining horny for the entirety of the film, or a man disguised as a Chinese guy singing about how he can make a great won ton) and the tiny sets were pretty cool. Oh, and there’s a giant gay dragon! So that was good.
If you find this somewhere, check it out. Definitely worth a look. Especially if you’re into the stop-motion animation that Rankin/Bass perfected throughout the 60s.
The next film (and first premiere of the day) was a different kind of kid’s flick, but started off looking a LOT like the Rankin/Bass movies of yore.
LEMONY SNICKET’S A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS (2004)
Directed by: Brad Silberling
Written by: Robert Gordon
Based on book by: Daniel Handler
For some, this is the most anticipated film of the season. The series of books has become a pretty big deal in the publishing world. Not quite the scale and scope of Harry Potter, but they’re on a lot of kids’ Christmas lists.
The Baudelaire children are among the most unfortunately children in the history of children. They are happy enough with their rich lifestyle until their parents are killed in a fire that takes the entire house with them. Now Violet (Emily Browning), Klaus (Liam Aiken, the doomed Sullivan kid from Road To Perdition) and Sunny (Kara and Shelby Hoffman) are doomed to walk the Earth between guardians.
The first of the guardians proves to be the worst. Count Olaf (Jim Carrey) is a two-bit actor whose greed knows no bounds. He almost pretends to like the kids in order to get the clueless Mr. Poe (Timothy Spall) off his back and so that he can collect the inheritance that was left to the kids. Fortunately, the kids are smarter than Olaf.
They go through two other guardians (Meryl Streep and Billy Connolly), but happiness is not to be had by these children, dear reader.
I don’t want to say too much about this movie, because that’s part of its charm. You never really know what’s going to happen next. These kids really are unhappy, but they’re very intelligent, too, so they can get out of anything that the shitty ol’ world hands to them. (And Sunny steals the show. Particularly her subtitles.)
The movie, of course, isn’t perfect. Things push along so quickly that I almost didn’t get a chance to know the characters. But all of the performances are great (and the cameos and small roles are pretty cool, too) and the sets are amazing. Those alone make this pretty charming little movie worth seeing. (Director Brad Silberling, obviously has a lot of love for his subject.) Luckily the story is also a lot of fun, if that can be said for such horribly depressing subject matter. Remember, you still have time to avoid it to see a movie about a particularly small elf.
Emily and Liam were there at the beginning of the screening and, while Liam didn’t seem to have much to say (typical teenage boy), Emily had nothing but great things to say about Brad and Jim and the rest of the cast. Interesting observation: the kids are supposed to live in England, but they have American accents. Emily did a great job of disguising her Australian accent throughout the movie.
The next film got a lot of “YARGG!”s out of the audience, but first a little clip show.
MADAGASCAR CLIPS
Dreamworks is working on a new CGI animated movie about four zoo animals that get stuck on the titular island. The animals, a lion (Ben Stiller), zebra (Chris Rock), giraffe (David Schwimmer) and a hippo (Jada Pinkett-Smith) are looking for humans to take care of them. All they find are a bunch of kind of annoying meerkats.
The first clip (the animals in crates as the ship they are on has a little accident) was hilarious. Especially the penguins. I can’t wait to see the movie just for them. The second clip (the animals exploring their new home) wasn’t quite as good, but I still want to see the flick.
Directed by: Henry King
Written by: Ben Hecht/Seton I. Miller
Based on book by: Rafael Sabatini
From 1942 comes a rousing adventure featuring Tyrone Power as a rapscallion pirate with a heart of gold!
Or something like that. Jamie Boy Waring (Power) is a captain under the infamous Captain Morgan (Laird Cregar who looks NOTHING like the Cap’n Morgan that I know—he’s wearing green!). When Morgan goes legit he tries to get all of his captains with him in Jamaica (where he has been made the governor) to help the English keep the peace with Spain. Unfortunately there are dissenters in the ranks.
Meanwhile, Jamie is falling for the daughter of the old governor (Maureen O’Hara). Of course, she’s engaged to another weenie man.
For a 1942 adventure movie this is pretty damn good. It’s slow by today’s standards, but it was a lot of fun. The “romance” between Jamie and Lady Denby got some laughs from the jaded BNAT crowd (“I always sample a bottle of wine before I buy it. Let’s have a sip, see if you’re worth taking along.”), but it didn’t detract from the fun.
The movie was made during WWII and a lot of it was done in one take. Pretty amazing when we think about how many takes it takes now to do stuff like this. And the Technicolor, as always, was great.
I haven’t seen many swashbucklers from this period, but I’m ready to seek out some more. This isn’t one of the more famous ones, so I’m guessing that they can only go up from here.
Watch for Anthony Quinn in a pretty small role.
Now for what was, for me, the most emotional part of the day.
HITCHHIKER’S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY SLIDES
As many of you know (however many of you there are…one maybe?) Douglas Adams is my favorite author. When he died I felt an intense sadness to be living in a world where he didn’t exist anymore. And to know that he wouldn’t be alive to see his story become a movie was even sadder.
But that dream is finally coming true. One of the producers, Robbie Stamp, came in with some slides of conceptual drawings and set photos. Even though I was sitting right behind the slide projector (by the end one of my viewing partners was tired of having my head in his lap, BUT I COULDN’T SEE!) the shots were beautiful. The Vogons are hilarious and slimy looking. The Heart Of Gold, while not shoe shaped, looks great. And Marvin is depressingly cute. And that’s a complement.
I can’t wait for this movie to come out. Robbie said that he heard a lot of sighs and screams when Mos Def was cast as Ford, but he said that he plays him beautifully and, most importantly, he doesn’t play him like a rapper.
I’ll be first in line here in Austin when it opens next year. And I hope it does well enough to make the other four movies.
Directed by: Josef von Sternberg
Written by: Jules Furthman/S.K. Lauren/Josef von Sternberg (uncredited)
One of the first movies I ever saw at the Alamo (possibly THE first) was called The Scarlet Empress. It was directed by Josef von Sternberg and starred Marlene Dietrich. It was one of the strangest film experiences I had ever had at that point in my movie-going career. (My, how things have changed.) There were boobs on the screen in a movie made before 1967! There were surreal sets and weird-ass sexual innuendo! There was over the top acting! I loved every minute of it!
Blonde Venus was made a couple of years before that, but it has the same star and director and, as Harry said, it was often considered the best film ever made before Citizen Kane came along in 1941.
It’s the story of Helen Faraday (Dietrich), a loving mother and wife who is forced to go back to singing on stage when her husband (Herbert Marshall) is diagnosed with a deadly disease. His only hope for survival is a $1500 operation in Berlin. While he’s gone Helen meets Nick Townsend (Cary Grant) who takes care of her. But she falls in love. And what’s a woman to do when she loves two men?!
The beginning of the movie shows off some of the pre-codeness of this movie when we see Marlene and some of her friends skinny-dipping in a lake. And then there’s the whole “woman of loose morals” thing going on. It’s amazing what they could get away with before the government got involved. Bastards. We could have had boobs all along if it wasn’t for those meddling agencies.
Anyway, this is a great film. Everything comes together to tell a heartfelt story that probably would have lingered for a little while if it weren’t for the next movie coming only 10 minutes after this one. And then there’s that kind of annoying ending that tied everything up nice and neatly so that morals reigned again.
One thing that will probably ruin the musical numbers for anyone watching it is knowing that Madeline Kahn based Lili von Shtupp on this movie. You’ll recognize a couple of the costumes from this movie and you won’t be able to get “I’m tired” out of your head for the whole movie.
Also watch for bits of this movie to show up in The Dreamers.
How ‘bout another woman of loose morals?
Directed by: Curtis Bernhardt
Written by: Harry Kleiner
Based on story by: W. Somerset Maugham
Rita Hayworth is the woman of a lot of men’s dreams. She was hot, sexy and apparently crazy in bed. (Or course, she was crazy in a LOT of aspects of her life, but that’s not important right now.)
And I bet that in 1953 to see her in 3-D was just too much for some guys. So that’s just what Columbia gave the world.
Miss Sadie Thompson is the story of, well, Sadie Thompson (Hayworth). She shows up on an island overrun with horny Marines and ends up having to stay a week while she waits to be able to go on to her destination. One of the Marines (Aldo Ray) falls in love with her while the head of the Mission Board (Jose Ferrer) decides that she’s a bad influence on the Marines and the natives. He wants her gone now.
This certainly isn’t a great movie (it drags quite a bit and feels longer than it’s 91 minutes), but it’s pretty fun. And, of course, seeing it in 3-D was a lot of fun. They didn’t really take advantage of the format, though. Nothing really shoots out at you (no, not even Rita’s ample tracts of land), but the scenery sure is nice.
The politics were pretty interesting. Ferrer’s character was definitely the “bad guy” here. He’s a man of the church who is bitter and intolerant. Dr. MacPhail (Russell Collins) is the good side of the older folks. He’s a man of science who realizes that young people will be young people and that “The creator of our religion wasn’t so intolerant.” We all saw quite a few parallels here.
Take a look at it if you get a chance (even if it’s not in 3-D), just don’t expect to remember too much about it later.
WAR OF THE WORLDS TEASER
Next up was a teaser that was personally sent to Harry by Spielberg and Cruise for their upcoming sci-fi flick. How do we know it was personally sent? Because there was a short clip at the beginning with the two of them saying hello and good luck to everyone in Austin. Steve then tells us to “Watch the skies.” Cruise’s stock almost went up in my book. Almost.
The teaser looks great. No plot points except that we know that Martians come to Earth and blow the hell out of a bunch of suburbanites who get out of their homes to do what Spielberg told us to do.
Kinda looks like Independence Day, but that was pretty much a remake of War Of The Worlds, so I’m not expecting it to be too different. But, since it’s Spielberg, I’m expecting it to actually be good.
Can’t wait for this one.
Directed by: Joel Schumacher
Written by: Andrew Lloyd Webber/Joel Schumacher
Based on book/musical by: Gaston Leroux/Andrew Lloyd Webber
After years of making movies, Joel Schumacher seemed to make the biggest mistake of his career: he put nipples on Batman’s costume. DAMN HIM!!! Before that I don’t remember anyone ever bemoaning his talentlessness. Now, though, everyone hates him. We were sent out of the theatre with all of our stuff for a security check (it was pretty tight this year) and, as we came back in, there were moans of, “This better not be Schumacher.” When the movie started there were a couple of guys behind us saying, “You wanna go grab a beer next door until this is over?” That was before the opening credits were over!
But all of these people love The Lost Boys. And a lot of them love St. Elmo’s Fire. And many of them thought that Flatliners and Falling Down were pretty damn cool. But let him screw up a Batman movie or two (I kinda liked his first one) and he’s Satan with a camera.
Personally, I have no feelings one way or the other for the guy. He’s competent. No particular style of his own really, but he’s usually at least watchable, sometimes better.
This time out, though, was somewhere between crap and watchable.
Everybody knows the story, but let’s recap. Christine (Emmy Rossum from The Day After Tomorrow) is a beautiful young opera singer (in real life, too) who is about to get her first big break. She is just a chorus girl now, but when the diva, Carlotta (Minnie Driver…not such a singer in real life from what I hear), leaves in bitchy frustration, Christine is given her chance to shine. And shine she does, much to the pride of the hidden Phantom (Gerard Butler screwing up yet another classic monster—he was Dracula in the back street abortion that was Dracula 2000) who has been teaching her for years. She also brings pride to Madame Giry (Miranda Richardson) who has raised her ever since her beloved father died. Giry’s daughter, Meg (Jennifer Ellison, whose boobs seem too big to be a ballet dancer’s, but she actually IS a dancer), is Christine’s best friend.
All is well until Christine is reunited with her childhood sweetheart, Raoul (Patrick Wilson from The Alamo). He, of course, makes the Phantom jealous and all hell breaks loose.
I’ve never seen a film that was so stagy and yet so cinematic all at the same time. One lady said something about Moulin Rouge, but, after more thought, that was cinematic all the way. I can’t imagine that being on stage ever. This, however, was written for the stage and you can tell. It’s (loosely) an opera, which doesn’t necessarily translate well to the screen. BUT the direction is VERY cinematic. The sets are beautiful and full. The world that Schumacher creates is complete. There’s nothing to tell you that this is all staged.
That being said, Golden Globe nomination notwithstanding, this is not a very good movie. The acting is mostly second rate (sorry, Emmy. You’re beautiful and you’ve got a pretty good voice, but you’re not a great actress…GG nomination don’t mean shit here, either, and Gerard just wasn’t particularly charismatic as the Phantom), the story moves FAR too quickly early on (funny to say about a two and a half hour movie, but I didn’t get a chance to know anyone and, therefore, didn’t care if any of them died) and some of the dialogue is just lame.
Now, is that a function of Schumacher, or is that the fault of writer Andrew Lloyd Webber? Well, it was probably Schumacher’s decision to pull us out of the story occasionally to show us the auction 50 years after the fall of the opera. That would have been alright at the beginning and end of the movie, but it was distracting to do throughout.
In defense of Schumacher (which this is really turning into an argument FOR him, isn’t it?) this movie is pretty much what I expect of a Webber play. It’s cheesy. It’s over-the-top. It’s got some great music (“Music Of The Night”) and some pretty dippy music (the main theme works so much better without lyrics). And, seeing as how Schumacher was Webber’s first choice to direct back in the early 90s, I’m sure this is the film that Webber wanted. I’m not sure that it could have been made any other way than the way it was made. They worked really closely together on it. (How closely we may never know.) Sure, there are some weird choices here and there (and it became laughable towards the end—why did the Phantom look COMPLETELY different with his mask off?), but I’m not so sure that it was the film’s fault. I think it’s just the story/music. I’m not really too sure how this was such a huge hit on Broadway.
But it is a very pretty movie that is incredibly well shot. Beyond that, die-hard fans won’t like it and the uninitiated probably won’t be all into it, either. It’s mainly of interest to those of us who are into “interesting failures.”
Let’s move on to a good horror movie’s sequel’s trailer.
THE RING TWO TRAILER
DAMN, this looks creepy. And it’s mainly because of that kid! David Dorfman is just a creepy little kid. And it doesn’t look like he’s grown up very much since the first movie.
I can’t wait to see this one, either. The water on the ceiling was creepin’ me out the whole time. I’m all over it. I just hope it’s at least as good as the first one.
Directed by: Jack Cardiff
Written by: Edward Mann/Robert D. Weinbach
Based on book by:
This Freaks homage from 1974 is not as good as the first one. But it’s still cool in a really weird, freakish way.
Professor Nolter (Donald Pleasence) is a genetics professor who seems to just be a little too into his work to be very sociable. What his students don’t know is that he is performing hideous experiments on students in order to “further the cause of science” and to help his friend, Lynch (Tom Baker just before he took over Dr. Who’s telephone box), become “normal,” whatever that means. Lynch, you see, is the Two-Faced Man. He has a horrible deformity that gives him a “handsome” side and an “ugly” side. The “ugly” side looks like the Elephant Man while the “handsome” side looks like…um…well not so pretty, either really. Not in this movie, anyway. The real Two-Faced Man was apparently actually good-looking on that side. But there was a problem with getting him to England to make the movie, so they had to cast Tom Baker instead.
Anyway, the movie was basically an excuse for one of the producers, Robert Weinbach (who was in attendance), to make an homage to Freaks. There’s even a scene where they might as well be saying their “Gooble gobble”s! He said that he really wanted to make a movie with these kinds of people, so he wrote this. I’m sure they appreciated it.
The movie drags a lot and has kind of a weird message about progress (Science is evil!), but it’s a lot of fun just to see Donald Pleasence play this ultra-introvert who can barely speak above a whisper, but is a brilliant (if slightly unethical) scientist. It’s also fun to see him feed a rabbit to a plant.
Certainly one for the cult crowd. No one else will really appreciate it. It’s coming out on DVD soon, so everyone will get to see it!
Now for Tim League’s (owner and programmer for the Alamo) slot in the program.
Directed by: Stanley H. Brassloff
Written by: Macs McAree/Stanley H. Brassloff
Oh, what hell hath Tim brought?! Last year it was Teenage Mother. This year it’s this cinematic trashterpiece that, while not as vomit inducing, was just as disturbing.
And, actually, it reminds me a lot of last year’s Old Boy, too. Freaky.
Jamie Godard (the beautifully innocent Marcia Forbes who never made another film…go figure) is a sick little girl. She’s 20 years old (at different moments in the film…tiny bit non-linear, this one) and has never had sex with a man. But she loves her toys. Especially her stuffed tin soldier. Especially when she’s naked. And moaning. And groaning. And screaming “Oh, Daddy!”
Needless to say, her mother (Fran Warren) is not amused. She tells her that she’s just like her father and that she needs to get rid of all of her toys because she’s SICK!!!
Luckily, she finds a boy who loves her, too. She marries Charlie (Harlan Cary Poe who was in Taxi Driver!…for a second) and wants to live happily ever after. If only she could let him touch her.
Then she meets Pearl (Evelyn Kingsley) at the toy store she and Charlie work in. She helps Jamie open up. But at what price? At what price?
This is one of those trashy exploitation flicks that Tim loves so much and that makes everyone else cringe at the end. Yes, there’s a “surprise” ending that really twists your mind into a fucking pretzel and then eats it with a side of mustard. It’s really not much of a surprise except that it makes you think, “Are they…? No. They aren’t. They’ll stop. Wait. No. They’re… AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!”
The acting is terrible. The writing is worse. Marcia is beautiful (and finally naked towards the end). And the movie is so awesome that words can’t quite describe it. But, of course, it’s not for…well…anybody, really. It could have only been made in the late 60s or early 70s. (1972, to be exact.)But I’m looking for the DVD now. It’s on Something Weird Video and is a double feature with The Toy Box. I’m there!
And this is where I started to fade in and out. Dammit.
Directed by: Matthew Vaughn
Written by: J.J. Connolly
Based on book by: J.J. Connolly
These next three are all premieres and, for the most part, well worth staying up for.
Layer Cake is a British gangster movie in the vein of Get Carter and Lock Stock. In fact, it’s directed by Matthew Vaughn, producer of Guy Ritchie’s films, so it kind of has that style, but not quite. It’s a little more straightforward than anything Guy has done. (Well, I haven’t seen Swept Away, but neither did anyone else, so it hardly matters.)
The main character (Daniel Craig, the second person from Road To Perdition to have a movie played here) is a lower rung gangster, but he’s on his way up. The boss, Jimmy Price (Kenneth Cranham) trusts him and thinks he’s got a big future ahead of him. He wants him to find his friend’s daughter. Our hero, however, just wants to make one big score and get the hell out.
His buddy, Gene (Colm Meaney who needs more jobs! Hollywood, where the hell are you?!), is there to help him, but not at the cost of his own life. When our heroes get caught up in a drug deal gone wrong that involves some of their associates and some sadistic Germans, things get more and more dangerous.
This is one of the better gangster flicks I’ve seen in a long time. Of course, I was really tired and was falling asleep every once in a while, so I’m sure I missed some plot points and good lines. But it was a lot of fun trying to figure out who was double-crossing who and who was going to get out alive. Awesome flick. Can’t wait to actually see it.
Eli Roth (director of Cabin Fever) always makes it to BNAT, so he brought a clip from a movie that he’s producing called…
2001 MANIACS CLIPS
As far as I can tell, this is about a bunch of rednecks who take offense to some city slickers comin’ into their little corner of the South. So they figure up little ways to kill ‘em and cook ‘em.
One clip featured a hot young girl nearly having sex with a redneck kid (who I think might have been Giuseppe Andrews from Cabin Fever…I know he’s in it and I think this was him), but meeting a rather nasty end. The other clip I, um, don’t remember so well.
Looks like it could be a lot of fun. This one is on my list.
CASSHERN CLIPS
This one WAS on my list. I guess it still is, but it’s not as high.
This is one of those Japanese sci-fi movies that has big, Big, BIG production values. The preview looked fucking AMAZING, so everyone I knew was drooling all over their skivvies for it.
Now, after seeing a clip, I realize that it may just be Episode I all over again. The clip was a lot of politicizing with weird special effects going on all over the place. I couldn’t keep up with what was going on, but they were just talking. A buddy of mine at the festival (can we call it that this year?) has seen it (DON’T ASK!) and said that it’s kind of boring. SHIT! That’s NOT what I want to hear.
Oh well. I guess I’ll just have to make do with The Princess Blade, The Returner and (especially) Azumi for my Japanese sci-fi fixes. (Anybody know when Azumi is coming out? I’ve been waiting since SXSW!) I’m not condemning this movie yet, though. There are good reviews online. And it’s one of at least four movies that were made around the same time completely against a CGI backdrop. I just wasn’t too impressed with the clip we saw.
The next movie I was TOTALLY impressed with, though.
Directed by: Prachya Pinkaew
Written by: Prachya Pinkaew/Panna Rittikrai/Suphachai Sittiaumponpan
This was the best fucking movie of the entire day. From the first scene of about 30 guys running up a tree and pushing each other off from about 30-40 feet in the air I knew this was going to be an all-new action highlight. When these guys hit the branches and, finally, the ground with force we only see in real life, we KNEW these guys were really hitting.
This movie HURTS LIKE FUCK to watch. But it’s more fun than a barrel of running chainsaws being thrown at a clown.
The story has something to do with our hero, Ting (Tony Jaa), being sent from his tiny town to Bangkok to get back the head of their Buddha statue (called Ong-bak). It was stolen by his cousin (I think) and is now in the hands of an evil gangster who smokes out of a hole in his neck. His other cousin and a girl come along for the ride and help out as much as they can. But with baddies running after him every step of the way, they can’t help him too much.
But it looks like he doesn’t need much help, really. He’s a fucking BADAAAASSSSSSS! He’s a master of Muay Thai, a Thai martial art. This guy is so fast that Jackie and Jet are left in his ass dust! He jumps through tiny rings of barbed wire, kicks guys four times in mid-air and manages to live through a saw attack that would have hurt a normal man so badly that he would be crying on his mommy’s shoulders.
I can’t say enough about how badass this guy is. He may not be the greatest and most charismatic actor ever (he actually leaves a little to be desired in that area), but that doesn’t matter. GO SEE THIS MOVIE! Better yet, find a way to see the uncut version. I hear it’s going to be butchered to shit when it’s finally released over here. I’m pretty pissed about that. I’m SICK of studios doing that thinking that we’re just not ready for the real thing. Fuck them! There’s nothing in this that America can’t handle. It’s a simple story with some of the best action ever put on film. And this time it’s fucking Luc Besson who’s doing it! What the fuck!? He should fucking know better!
Nevertheless, see this movie. Preach on about Tony Jaa. He WILL be the next big star.
Next up was another exciting clip show for a movie that all geeks are biting at their collective bits for.
THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA CLIPS
After hearing that Disney was doing these I was worried. I loved these books as a kid (not as much as the Hitchhiker’s Guide, though. I was always pretty twisted that way.) and I would hate to see them get fucked up by a big studio machine like Disney.
But now that I’ve seen how they’re handling them I’m not quite so worried. The effects and costumes (made by WETA) are shaping up to be pretty amazing. And with Brian Cox set up to be the voice of Jesus, I mean, Aslan, I think these are going to be great movies. And you know they’re planning the sequels already. They would have to be. I don’t know if they’ll be able to do all of the books, but if they did at least they wouldn’t have to deal with kids growing up too fast.
I’ll be in line for these next year. And I know I’ll see you there, too.
For the last film of the day, Harry chose one starring the biggest star in the world.
Directed by: Stephen Chow
Written by: Stephen Chow/Xin Huo/Kan-Cheung Tsang/Man Keung Chan
And he was right. Stephen Chow is the biggest star in the world. Just, no one knows him in America but a chosen few. He’s kind of like Jerry Lewis that way. Maybe in many other ways, too. When he makes a comedy out of a terrible moment in world history and a surreal drama starring an up and coming young weirdo we’ll know that he’s patterning his entire career on the peripheral Rat Packer.
And just why he’s such a big star, I’ll never know. I don’t really get it. He’s kind of funny, but I’ve never been overly impressed with his movies. Shoalin Soccer was a BIG letdown after hearing how great it was and how it was the biggest hit ever in Hong Kong. I was kind of bored with it. So far the best movie of Chow’s that I’ve seen was From Beijing With Love, and even that one wasn’t very good.
Kung Fu Hustle is among the best of his, though. It was fun, if not great. Stephen is a BIG fan of American movies and you can tell from this one.
Gangs rule China of the 40s, the most notorious of which is the Axe Gang. Stephen wants desperately to be part of the gang, so he invades a slum. Unfortunately for him, this slum is lorded over by the meanest landlady in the world. And she has some special powers that you wouldn’t believe. But Stephen might have some surprises of his own.
The movie is pretty funny (especially when a gangster steps on a soccer ball and says, “NO MORE SOCCER!”), but I think Ong-bak would have been a better closer for the day. The story was alright, but there were parts of it that just didn’t really fit into the rest of it. (What was up with the lollipop girl showing up somewhere towards the end? She meant nothing to the rest of the story and only added up to an “AAAWWWW!!” ending.)
But some of the gags make it worth watching. Like I said, it’s one of the better Chow movies I’ve ever seen. It’s just not something that justifies his “biggest star in the world” title.
So that’s it. We sat around for a little while longer waiting to see who would win some prizes (I walked away with a figurine of The Chief from Get Smart!) and to talk to some of the friends that we made over the last 25 hours. (We went over an hour. Sue us.)
And, as we walked away from the festivities with our hands full of goodies (Original Godzilla soundtrack! YAY!! Chucky sperm! YAY!!) and our bellies full of whatever after not wanting to poop in the Alamo toilets, we shed a tear for the good times that we had. We pried our eyes open for the drive home. And we talked about going to see Ocean’s 12.
Thanks, Harry. It was another fun birthday party. I can’t wait for next year. KING KONG HERE WE COME!!!
