Fantastic Fest 2009–Yesterday (2009)/The Bare Breasted Countess (1973)/Avatar preview/The Human Centipede (2009)

YESTERDAY (2009)

Directed by: Rob Grant
Written by: Rob Grant

Seattle is overrun with zombies. There are only a few people left. Lots of blood. Lots of guts. Lots of heroes getting killed and people killing each other.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.

I would give you a brief rundown of the characters, but really they’re pretty typical zombie movie tropes. You’ve got a few guys from an office building who are completely ill-equiped to survive, a couple of douchebag criminals who just want to steal and “paint the town red,” a cowboy sharp shooter who lost his father, a weak student who lost his girlfriend and a crazy guy whose beloved brother and drunk mother were killed. They all collide and things get bloody…fast. And we end up with all the folks who usually die at the beginning of the movie. I think this was a Joss Whedon production.

The first half hour of the movie, I really thought I was in trouble. Seriously? This is the movie I chose to watch? I could’ve been watching Duress!

Then the office guys started being funny. Then everyone came together and started being funny. I don’t really know if they were supposed to be funny, but they were. At times they were downright histerical.

The production values were shit, the acting was worse and the effects were cheese, but the comedy was pretty good, even if it was unintentional. I’m kinda glad I checked it out, even if it’s kind of hard to recommend to anyone who isn’t sitting around with friends who are really good at making fun of movies.

By the way, I really hope that the Starbucks reference at the end was a joke. But it did take place in Seattle, so ya never know.

THE BARE BREASTED COUNTESS (1973)

Directed by: Jess Franco
Written by: Gerard Brisseau/Jess Franco

Roger Corman is not a great filmmaker. Even he will agree with me there. He just happens to be really, really prolific, made a lot of money and found a LOT of great talent. Plus, in a career of 4875 movies, a few of them have to be good.

Jess Franco is the Roger Corman of Europe. He’s made over 200 films and some people are obsessed with seeing ever single one of them. Still others say that he is an amazing filmmaker who never got his due. Honestly, I think he’s pretty over-rated as a filmmaker. But he does have an eye for…erm…talents?

Let me start on another subject real quick. Breasts are great. I love looking at them as any hetero guy (and pretty much all women, hetero or homo) does. Franco’s star (and constant companion after this film), Lina Romay, has pretty amazing breasts and she is a very beautiful young lady.

The problem is that, after about 45 minutes, I wanted this movie to be about something besides her breasts. Sure, there was a story of her being a vampire that sucks the life out of people through their genitals. But that story was really secondary to showing her boobs and twat as she writhes around.

Every once in a while, they would have a voice over from Lina (whose character is mute) that was supposed to be very deep. One was about how death followed her everywhere. (Hell, they ALL were.) The next scene was of her fellating a bed post.

I loved looking at the lovely Lina’s young, lithe body. No doubts about that. But PLEASE attach a story to those boobs. Otherwise, it just becomes kind of boring.

I really wish that I could say that I’m a Jess Franco fan. After all, they gave him the first Lifetime Acheivement award! But I can’t. His films just aren’t engaging enough to support those breasts.

AVATAR PREVIEW

Or, as I will now be calling it, James Cameron’s Ferngully.

Here’s the deal: Jim Cameron will be getting my money when Avatar finally comes out in December. But I won’t be first in line anymore. The footage that producer Jon Landau brought for us, while very pretty and well designed, wasn’t very engaging as far as the story and characters are concerned.

A very brief rundown: Sam Worthington plays a paralyzed marine who is sent to another planet to take the place of his twin brother. (Remember that movie with Anthony Hopkins and Chris Rock? Neither does anyone else.) He has to take over for the Evangelian…I mean, Avatar that was created for his brother to use on the hostile planet. The Avatar is a genetic hybrid between a human and one of the natives.

Basically, Sam walks again through the Avatar, gets into the alien world, becomes one of them, falls in love and doesn’t want to help the government anymore. (I’m guessing on that last one, but I’m pretty sure I’m right.)

Basically, I still really want to see this film on an IMAX screen, but I’m not as excited as I once was. I’m sure that’s not the reaction that Cameron and Landau wanted. Even the applause was kind of polite instead of being rowdy and amazing. Maybe we’re all tired. Or, perhaps, we’re jaded.

Landau did say one thing that kinda pissed me off. According to him, all movies should be in 3D and WILL be in 3D soon.

Whatever. Fuck that. I understand that it brings you into that world a little bit more. Pixar understood how to use it with Up. No “poke you in the eye” jokes. Just adding another dimension to a world. And that’s great! I think Cameron understands this, too.

But Landau used an example that was just silly. He said that Terms Of Endearment is one of his favorite films and he would LOVE to see it in 3D because it would really put him into that hospital room with Debra Winger.

Um. Fuck that. There are some movies where 3D would only distract. Personal dramas? No. There is no reason whatsoever to make them 3D.

I’m a huge film geek. I love seeing movies. And there’s something about seeing them on a big screen that makes them better. Maybe it’s an emerssion or maybe it’s just a feeling of community. 3D does not add to that experience except to make it more of a spectacle. Do I enjoy 3D films? Of course, I do. It’s neat. Do I need it with every film? Absolutely not. And I don’t want it with every film.

John Landau is kind of a boob. Great producer, but he doesn’t seem to grasp what 3D truly is: a gimmick to get butts in seats. That’s all it was in the 50s and, really, that’s all it is now. Do we need Casablanca in 3D?

THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE (FIRST SEQUENCE) (2009)

Directed by: Tom Six
Written by: Tom Six

When we think of medical experiements, we usually think of Robert Rodriguez taking placeboes and making a bunch of money. What we tend to forget is that there is an underbelly to those placeboes. A network of…

What the fuck am I saying? We all know about mad scientists and their sick experiements. Dr. Heiter (Dieter Laser) is just the latest in a long line of (mostly German) mad scientists.

But what he has in mind is a bit…different. He wants to make a human centipede. Three people stiched together, ass to mouth. When two young American girls stumble into his home one rainy night, he has found two of his segments.

Well acted (especially by the next Udo Kier, Laser) and with some pretty good effects, this is a disturbing, but semi-comedic look at what hell a truly mad scientist can bring to earth.

My only complaints are the fact that it’s almost TOO well lit (one audience member thought it looked like a tv movie) and Heiter got incredibly stupid towards the end. Cops? Really? You really think that’s a good idea?

The winner of Best Horror Film at the festival, it was a good way to end the day. Certainly not for everyone, but isn’t that true of most of the films at this festival?