Zombieland (2009)

Directed by: Ruben Fleischer
Written by: Rhett Reese/Paul Wernick

Why do I love zombies? Because they are us.

But I’ll get to that in a minute. Let’s see some reviews.

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET–If Michael Bay makes Freddy sympathetic, I’m gonna have to kill someone. “What do you think I did?! I didn’t do anything!!” Fuck that! Freddy Krueger is a child killer and deserved to die. That’s why it’s so creepy that he came back!

I can only hope that he’s lying, because everything else about the trailer looks alright.

Fuck Michael Bay.

BRIEF INTERVIEWS WITH HIDEOUS MEN–Not a horror movie per se, but it’s about the horrible things that men do to women…I guess. John Krasinksi (who also wrote and directed the movie) helps a woman interview men about their indiscretion. Looks like it could be funny. And it has Will Arnett in it, so I might at least check it out on video.

Ok, on with the zombie killin’.

Zombies have come a LONG way since 1968 when they were basically invented by George Romero. They were once the beasts of underground/low-budget films like Romero’s. A few Hollywood producers tried in the 80s to bring them out of the horror closet and almost succeeded with Return Of The Living Dead, but those were still independent films that no one in Peoria would ever go see.

Then a little thing called 28 Days Later happened. Not specifically zombies, but damn close enough. Then Dawn Of The Dead happened. No, not Romero’s brilliant, if long, story of zombies in a mall. I’m talking about the nearly brilliant remake.

Then something even better happened. Three British guys decided to make not a parody of zombie films, but a loving tribute in the vein of Mel Brooks’ Young Frankenstein. Shaun Of The Dead manages to be hilarious, gross and frightening all at the same time.

So now Hollywood is REALLY taking notice. If these guys can do it, so can we!

What Columbia and Relativity have done, with the help of writers Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick and director Ruben Fleischer (all of whom got their starts in reality tv), is make a zombie movie for people who couldn’t handle an actual zombie movie.

Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg playing a dumbed down version of the same character he played in Adventureland) is a college kid just trying to play World Of Warcraft when the zombie apocalypse happens. He stays alive by keeping up with his own rules of survival, which make constant and increasingly annoying appearances throughout the movie.

Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson) is a good ol’ boy who has made an art out of killing zombies. He is truly the best character in the film. Sure, he’s a bit of a caricature, but he’s such a good one that it doesn’t matter. He’s awesome.

Wichita (Emma Stone from Superbad) is the bad girl that Columbus falls for. Little Rock (Abigail Breslin) is her little sister.

The four of them get together for a cross-country trip to a place where “zombie shooting gallery” takes on a whole new meaning.

The first 45 minutes of Zombieland are a little bit excruciating. There are a few good laughs, to be sure, but it’s drawn out and there are WAY too many very obvious jokes. Somewhere around the half-way point, though, things start to pick up and the movie becomes almost clever.

Almost.

Here’s the big problem: it’s a Hollywood movie. There are certain things that you can do in indie flicks that MUST be done in a zombie movie for it to work. Hollywood won’t touch those things.

For all of those who came out of the screening at Fantastic Fest saying that it was better than Shaun Of The Dead, I say you’re a shill or you’ve never actually seen Shaun, but that movie was absolutely brilliant. Zombieland, on the other hand, is funny in fits and starts. It’s funny enough to see (especially once they hit the Hollywood Hills), but it’s not funny enough to say it’s great.

I really wish that I could tell you how my viewing partner and I re-wrote the movie, but it would give too much away. Let’s just say that it was WAY better…and it was actually a zombie movie. The way it’s filmed, though, it’s not a real zombie movie. It’s someone’s idea of what a zombie comedy should be…with a big budget and great make-up effects. (The zombies and gore did look great. And the opening credits are pretty awesome.)