Machete (2010)

Directed by: Robert Rodriguez/Ethan Maniquis
Written by: Robert Rodriguez/Alvaro Rodriguez

FINALLY, the Grindhouse movies are starting to REALLY come out. And the world is all the better for it.

But first, let’s see what’s coming up for us.

I’M STILL HERE–Joaquin Phoenix has really become a polarizing character lately. You either think that he’s gone crazy and is probably about to kill himself like his brother did, or you think that he’s some kind of Andy Kaufmanesque genius.

Personally, I prefer the latter because I think he’s pretty brilliant in general. At least, I HOPE that’s what’s going on. Either way, this documentary, directed by friend Casey Affleck, will hopefully tell us what the hell has been going on for the last couple of years. I hear it’s not all that great, but I’ll see it at least on video.

Here’s hopin’.

JACKASS 3D–Seriously? Do we need this? Ok, fine. There was one true laugh in the trailer (the delivery guy in an office cube farm gets a big hand). Other than that, this movie is about as far up my list as the latest Sex And The City sequel/spin-off/retread.

Ok, now let’s get down to the Grindhouse.

Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino are going ahead with their plan of making more movies for their Grindhouse franchise, even if they aren’t “officially” doing it. Grindhouse was such an unfortunate failure that they probably aren’t allowed to stick the word on their movies. But since the original double feature came out, we have Hell Ride Produced by QT and directed by B-movie actor Larry Bishop) and now this lovely piece of cinema.

Here’s the deal: Where Hell Ride was faithfully like an old Grindhouse movie, but was awful and not nearly fun enough (kind of like Tarantino’s own Death Proof), Machete is an amazing appropriation of how people remember Grindhouse movies, not how they actually were (much like Planet Terror). That means that it’s a lot of fun and full of T&A and action.

Robert also has an agenda. More on that in a minute, though.

Machete (Danny Trejo) has shown up in more than just a trailer in the first Grindhouse release. He was once known as Uncle Machete to two small spies. (There’s also a character in Desperado that is basically Machete.) Are those films supposed to be before this one? Or after? Do the Spy Kids know that Uncle Machete is a killing machine who also sexes the ladies real good?

Who cares? What’s the movie about?!

Machete’s family is killed by Mexican drug lord Torrez (Steven Seagal) and his men. They think they’ve killed him, too, but he flees Mexico and becomes a migrant worker. When he gets to Austin, though, things change. He finds out just how corrupt the Texas government is. Senator McLaughlin (Robert DeNiro) is doing his best to keep Mexicans out of Texas/America. He wants to build a giant electric fence to keep them out. Lt. Stillman (Don Johnson) is a border patrol agent who has no mercy. Booth (Jeff Fahey) hires Machete to kill McLaughlin, thinking that he’s just a tough migrant. Little does he know….

Luz (Michelle Rodriguez, looking better than ever) is a taco trailer owner who is also helping immigrants get across the border safely. She’s constantly bugged by Sartana (Jessica Alba, finally coming to terms with her own Mexican roots), a ICE agent who is trying to do her job, but she has some sympathy that makes it difficult sometimes.

So, I think you can probably guess what the message of this movie is. Illegal immigrants make the world go ’round, especially in Texas. Without them, we wouldn’t have half the food, clean restrooms or running cars that we have. Robert and Alvaro make this point over and over and over again. There are a LOT of exposition scenes where the action kind of halts so that someone can make a point about how immigration is an American way of life and we can’t stop people from coming over the border and the immigrants are actually good for us.

I agree with all of this, but I’m pretty sure there was a better way to make the point than having five minutes of speechifying from every character.

Luckily, though, the rest of the movie wins. The action is amazing. The acting is (for the most part) pitch perfect for this kind of movie. The tongue is kept firmly in the cheek. The fun just never fucking stops. Robert doesn’t just make fun of the Republic Of Texas people and Texas government. (By the way, McLaughlin definitely has shades of Dumbya to him.) He makes fun of his own kind, too. There is every Mexican stereotype you can think of in this movie. It’s as if to say, “Yes, they’re stereotypes, but they came from somewhere.”

Through the entire movie, though, I kept thinking that this was the movie that El Mariachi would have been if he had had the budget at the time. So many of the tricks he used in that film (and Desperado), he reused here. This was almost another continuation of that story.

Either way, it’s movies like this that make me still love Robert Rodriguez. He will always be my favorite local filmmaker. Where Rick Linklater makes good films that sometimes take themselves too seriously, Robert will get Lindsay Lohan to basically play herself…and then put her in a nun’s habit. He’ll have Cheech Marin play a foul-mouthed Catholic priest. He’ll cast Steven Seagall as a villain and give him his best role…well…ever. And he’ll wrap it all up with a bloody, disgusting and cheesy ribbon that makes it something more than it ever should have been.

Next up for the Grindhouse, Eli Roth’s Thanksgiving. I also think that I heard that Edgar Wright is working on Don’t. Now, if we could just get Rob Zombie to actually make Werewolf Women Of The SS.