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Eaten Alive! (1980)

aka EATEN ALIVE BY THE CANNIBALS, aka DOOMED TO DIE, aka THE EMERALD JUNGLE


Nastiness Rating:

Directed by: Umberto Lenzi
Written by: Umberto Lenzi

A young, big breasted Southern girl is wondering where her older sister is. Turns out that she’s in South America stuck in a slightly cannibalistic, Jim Jones-style cult. Oddly familiar castrations and animal cruelty ensue.

This is absolutely just another Italian cannibal movie with the same lame-ass plot and same lame-ass acting as all of the others. (It also co-stars the same hottie as most of them, Me Me Lai, who sings “Glory Glory Hallelujah” while topless. THAT’S classic.)

The movie actually starts with a novel twist: the natives go all over the world to kill some defectors. (At least one of them helpfully looks at the camera and then DIES! All caps means it’s an emphatic death.) Then we get the horrible disco theme music. If there had been lyrics, they would have been “Eaten Alive, YEAH!”

After that, it’s the typical scarification, hanging people by hooks and disemboweling of different animals. There’s absolutely nothing new here at all. There may be a bit more decent nudity, but that’s probably because there’s a much larger European cast than usual. All of the women are actually willing to bare their breasts, and nice ones they are.

There is also the fact that the main girl, the one who had to find her sister, actually becomes beholden to Jim, I mean, Jonas, the leader of the cult. She drinks the Kool-Aid, gets painted gold (are you kidding?) and then says that she “belongs to Jonas.” Fuck it. Leave her. I don’t care how nice her tits are.

It pains me that I have to watch at least two more of these stupid movies to finish up this project.

LOW POINT: Me Me and the older sister get cut up and eaten by the real cannibals. The sister gets her tit cut off. When Hero finds them he socks little sister in the jaw so she won’t see what happened to her sister.

Ok. More awesome than really low. No, I’m not into girl beating by any means, but there was a reason for it and it was pretty awesome. It was just: Turn. SOCK! Down.