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Evilspeak (1981)

aka EVILSPEAKS


Nastiness Rating:

Directed by: Eric Weston
Written by: Joseph Garofalo/Eric Weston

Computers are bad. And Satan is worse. So, if you put them together, they are EVILSPEAK! Or, at least that’s what writer/director Eric Weston and his writing partner, Joseph Garofalo (no relation to Janeane…I think), would have us believe.

Stanley Coopersmith (Clint “I hope you relish it as much as I” Howard) is a dork who can’t play soccer. And for that all of his classmates at the military academy make fun of him and give him no end of torment. So, when he finds an old book with a funny star on it, he starts to find the powers of Satan…and some guy named Esteban.

The movie actually started with some promise. It appears that some old world Tarantino lookalike is on trial in the only area with no modernity that filmmakers could afford: the beach. He’s a Satan worshiper who wants to (of course) bring Satan to our world and end the world. Within the first five minutes there are boobs and a beheading…not to mention a great edit from the head flying off to a soccer ball flying through the air.

Then…nothing happens. Clint gets terrorized by his classmates and finds a book. That’s about it. I’ve seen hentai with the same plot that had more action. I mean…what’s hentai?

Of course, there’s what may be the first instance of pigs trying to eat a human on film. They finally do succeed in eating someone. And she has the strangest boobs ever.

Almost an hour in, things finally start to work for Stanley…and what is it? AN EVIL FUCKING COMPUTER!!!! He’s using the computer to summon the devil. I can’t tell if he’s using some really early form of the internet (the military developed it in the 60s, so it’s possible) or just typing random things on a computer and getting messages about blood and sacrifice. I vote for the latter. Either way, it’s pretty lame. The computer starts to control him and the building…and other peoples’ bodies. (It twists an old man’s head completely around. Oro?!)

At some point, the gore finally starts. And while it’s ok gore, it’s pretty mundane. Clint rampages with a sword and muppet pigs eat some dudes. One kid gets his heart ripped out. This all happens in the last 10 minutes. So, yeah. There ya go. Fucking awful movie with some decent gore at the very end. Nothing special except for the fact that it started Clint on his long string of horror films that no one ever watches…like Ice Cream Man and Carnosaur.

Oh, and Clint flies at one point.

Sigh.

LOW POINT: The naked chick getting eaten by pigs. Seriously? Seriously. Whatever. Apparently there’s a longer version of it somewhere that Clint and the director can’t find. Too bad. It may have made the movie slightly more interesting.