This year I actually got to talk to Harry and he was about to tell me WHY I was chosen when he was distracted by a shiny object. DAMMIT!!! I need to know so I’ll know to do it again every year!!

Anyway, whatever the reason, I had my butt in a seat at the Alamo for 26 1/2 hours watching some awesome movies. Here’s how the night went:

We had to start off with the annual torture of one of the Alamo friends. Tim always tells him that he’s going to show Teen Wolf during BNAT and, every year, something “fucks up” and he doesn’t get to show it. This year he had a Dolby “representative” (actually Scott Weinberg in a Dolby shirt) guarantee that the screening would go off without a hitch because of their brand new digital system.

Of course, hitches happen and Scott gave Tim a check for $15,000 “on behalf of Thomas Dolby.”

Many yuks were had by all. Then the movies really started.

FAUST (1926)

***** (5/5)

Directed by: FW Murnau
Written by: Gerhart Hauptmann/Hans Kyser
Based on play by: Johann Wolfgang Goethe

FW Murnau’s Faust has always been pointed to as one of the more amazing achievements in silent cinema. The special effects are still pretty awesome to this day.

If you don’t know the story, you’ve probably been living under a cultural rock, but I’ll explain a little bit here. God and the Devil are hanging out and make a bet. God says that Faust (Gosta Ekman), a genuinely good man, can’t be corrupted. The Devil (Emil Jannings), however, thinks that he can, and he sets out to prove it. He comes to Earth as a man called Mephisto and gives Faust back his youth, helping a beautiful young woman fall in love with him.

Faust shuns him at first, but then decides to allow Mephisto to give him a trial run of a day. When that’s not long enough, Mephisto has him and it’s all over.

In its day, it was one of the biggest spectacles that audiences had ever seen. It’s still pretty spectacular, although it’s easier to see how they did all of it now. And Jannings is perfect as the slimy and underhanded Mephisto. He vamps it up and is generally evil in all the right ways.

The organ accompaniment was pretty perfect, too. I wish I could remember the guy’s name, but it’s been a few days. Anyway, he was great.

If you ever get a chance to see this movie, go. And, in going, be amazed.

THE LOVELY BONES (2009)

****½ (4.5/5)

Directed by: Peter Jackson
Written by: Peter Jackson/Fran Walsh/Philippa Boyens
Based on book by: Alice Sebold

Peter Jackson can probably do no wrong in Hollywood right now. Sure, King Kong didn’t do was well as everyone wanted it to do, but he directed and produced fucking Lord Of The Rings! Give that man anything he wants!

So they did. He wanted to do a small story this time out, so he chose Alice Sebold’s novel about a young girl named Susie (Saoirse Ronan from Atonement) who was killed by a neighbor in the early 70s. She narrates the story from a place called The In Between. Not quite Heaven, but definitely not Hell. More like a fantasy land that is almost like Earth, but much more surreal.

Meanwhile, her family tries to go on. Her dad (Mark Wahlberg) is obesessed with finding her killer. Her mom (Rachel Weisz) can’t seem to move on, but can’t stand what her husband is doing. Her grandmother (Susan Sarandon) is a bit of a drunkard who tells everyone that she’s 35. Her younger sister and brother are doing their best, but it’s hard when their parents can’t seem to cope.

Meanwhile still, the investigation is almost going nowhere under Len Fenerman (Michael Imperioli) doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. The killer (Stanely Tucci) is still at large and still living about 100 feet from Susie’s family.

I gotta tell you, two movies into BNAT this year and I was emotionally drained. The Lovely Bones was something that I usually don’t go in for: a beautiful movie. Not only was the story beautiful (Susie’s journey from needing to have revenge on her killer to just wanting her family to cope), but the In Between was beautiful, too. Surreal, dreamlike and heartwrenching at times.

I loved this movie. It’s long, but I don’t expect much less from Mr. Jackson. He knows exactly what to leave in and wheat to cut out, and he knows how to pull the heartstrings without making us feel like we’ve been duped into crying.

Maybe it’s not the best film out there, but it didn’t matter while I was watching it. And it still doesn’t matter to me. I kinda want to see it again. I don’t necessarily believe in any kind of afterlife, but goddamn, this movie gave me hope for kids who die like Susie.

GIRL CRAZY (1943)

***½ (3.5/5)

Directed by: Norman Taurog/Busby Berkeley
Written by: Fred F. Finklehoffe/Dorothy Kingsley/William Ludwig/Sid Silvers
Based on play by: Guy Bolton/Jack McGowan

After Lovely Bones, we were all pretty much beaten down. As Harry said, though, what better to bring a room back up than a Judy Garland/Mickey Rooney musical?

Well, I can think of a LOT of things, but this’ll do.

Mickey is a rich playboy who is sent out West by his father to learn a lesson in life. Unfortunately for Mickey, the place he’s sent is an all boys school. No girls at all! What’s a girl crazy boy to do?!?!

Well, he doesn’t have to worry too much. This small town has one girl: Judy. And he instantly falls for her, even if she doesn’t fall for him so easily.

Of course, her grandfather is the dean of the school. And, of course, there’s a guy who she’s pretty much paired with. And, of course, hardly any of the other guys like Mickey. And, of course, the school is threatened with closure unless they can come up with money/applicants.

Car wash!!

Ok, no. No car wash. But there is a rodea, which they pronounce like Rodeo Drive in Hollywood, as opposed to an actual rodeo.

Hollywood. Psh.

It’s a pretty fun little flick, but I’m not rushing out to rent the rest of Mickey and Judy’s collaborations. There was, however, a pretty good Busby Berkeley number at the end. Busby was supposed to direct the whole movie, but he was fired after they filmed this one scene. Too bad, because the movie could have used some of Busby’s flair.

Of course, the script did have some gems like “The things you see when you don’t have a gun!” and “Money is just like women and popcorn: The more you get, the more you want.” I still don’t understand the gun line. The fuck was Judy saying?!

THE RED SHOES (1948)

**** (4/5)

Directed by: Michael Powell/Emeric Pressburger
Written by: Emeric Pressburger/Michael Powell/Keith Winter
Based on fairy tale by: Hans Christian Andersen

This is one of those movies that I’ve always heard about, but never seen. It’s a ballet movie and I have very little (if any) interest in ballet. Why would I care?

Well, it turns out that…um…I was right. This was the movie that I had the least fun watching at BNAT this year. But Harry didn’t program it. I’ll get to that later, though.

The Red Shoes is a fairy tale by Hans Christian Andersen about a young dancer who wants to be the best dancer in the world. She buys some shoes from a shoemaker that make her dance perfectly…but then she can’t take them off and she can’t stop dancing.

But that’s not what the movie is about. The movie is about a young woman (Moira Shearer, who was really a ballet dancer) who is chosen to be the lead character in a new ballet based on The Red Shoes written by a young writer (Marius Goring). The two start to fall in love, much to the chagrin of the leader of the dance troupe (Anton Walbrook). He is emotionless and feels that his dancers should be, too.

The movie was really good, but I hated the two men. They were both jackasses. And the girl really wasn’t a whole lot better. Add to that a lot of scenes of ballet (which, I guess, were great) and I was just kind of uninterested.

The best thing about the movie (besides Moira being a beautiful redhead) was seeing how amazing the print was! Martin Scorsese’s film restoration crew have really outdone themselves on this one. It looked like it was made last year. The Technicolor was beautiful and made me miss that process a lot.

I’m glad I saw it, but I probably won’t revisit it.

****½ (4.5/5)

Directed by: Martin Scorsese
Written by: Laeta Kalogridis
Based on book by: Dennis Lehane

Now we get to the guy who actually programmed The Red Shoes. Harry originally wanted to lead in to Shutter Island with Sam Fuller’s asylum masterpiece Shock Corridor. He wasn’t even sure if he would get Shutter Island when he got that print. He had to write a letter to Scorsese to see if he could show it and to explain what BNAT is.

Well, Marty wrote him back saying what an amazing idea BNAT is and how he wished that he could join us. But there’s just one thing: don’t lead in with Shock Corridor. Lead in with The Red Shoes. Here’s a print.

How do you say no?

There is actually a very direct link between the two movies, so I can see it. But I would have rather seen Shock Corridor.

Shutter Island, on the other hand, was pretty great. Teddy Daniels (Leonardo DiCaprio) is a Boston US Marshall in the 50s sent to a local criminal asylum to investigate a missing patient. His new partner, Chuck (Mark Ruffalo), was brought in from Seattle to help Teddy out. Why is it that it almost seems like the missing patient never existed? What is Dr. John Cawley (Ben Kingsley) hiding? Is Dr. Jeremiah Naerhing (Max von Sydow) a Nazi doing crazy experiments? And why can’t Teddy let go of his dead wife (Michelle Williams)?

It took me a little while to really get into this movie, mostly because the editing seems to be really awful in the beginning. Eventually, though, I realized what was going on and it all worked out. The movie is a mind-fuck of the highest order and it made me want to red the Dennis Lehane novel that it was based on in a way that Mystic River did not.

It may not seem like the most Scorsese-iest of movies, but he’s done well again. Keep up the streak, Marty. We like you being back.

LE MAGNIFIQUE (1973)

****½ (4.5/5)

Directed by: Philippe de Broca
Written by: Philippe de Broca/Vittorio Caprioli/Jean-Paul Rappeneau/Francis Veber

I wonder how much John Candy’s Delerious borrowed from this movie.

Bob Sanit-Clair (Jean-Paul Belmondo) is the world’s most famous secret agent. He shoots randomly into trees, hitting hitmen before they even know that they are hitmen. He sees through every disguise. And he always gets the girl (Jacqueline Bisset).

He’s also being written by Francois Merlin (also Belmondo), a writer who just knows that he can do something besides these crappy pulp spy novels. But they make him money to live off of and they’re very easy for him to write.

On the other side of his aparetment building is Christine (Bissett again), the young lady he’s slightly obsessed with. Can he win her over by letting her read his awful books?

The movie is way funnier than it sounds like it should be. It opens with the spy story and looks like the Zuker brothers and Jim Abrahams had decided to make a spy movie. (Oh wait…they did. It was Top Secret. But this is funnier!) It’s full of great slapstick and some awful puns that make you cringe and laugh at the same time. Add to that the Merlin side of the story that makes you feel for this guy and you’ve got a movie that even French haters can love.

Harry has been trying to show this movie for seven years. I’m glad that he finally got to. It was worth the wait.

MICMACS (2009)

***** (5/5)

Directed by: Jean-Pierre Jeunet
Written by: Jean-Pierre Jeunet/Guillaume Laurant

I had no idea that Jean-Pierre Jeunet was even working on a new film, much less that he had one in the can! I would have been MUCH more excited if I had known.

Bazil’s (Dany Boon) dad was killed by a land mine when Bazil was very young. Thirty years later, Dany is shot in the head and survives. The doctors can’t take the bullet out without possibly making Bazil a vegetable.

Eventually Bazil falls in with a group of homeless folks who collect junk and make it into amazing things. He also finds out that the weapons companies that made the land mine and the bullet are right across the street from each other. The rest of the movie is a Rube Goldbergian plot to bring down both companies…and yet so much more.

If you’ve ever loved Jeunet’s films before, you’ll love this one, too. He brings his usual sense of humor and (shudder…I hate this word) whimsy to the screen and makes us fall in love with this ragtag bunch of geniuses, which includes his old standby, Dominique Pinon.

***½ (3.5/5)

Directed by: Adam Green
Written by: Adam Green

Adam Gren has a lot of enemies in the horror world, and I’m not really sure why. Hatchet was a fun flick that didn’t try to be anything more and Spiral, while not brilliant, showed us all that he had some talent for something besides gore.

Now he mixes those two things to bring us something like Open Water on a ski lift. (On the fake lineup that Harry always posts, this slot was filled by Lifeboat. I can see why.)

Three college kids (Emma Bell, Kevin Zegers and Shawn Ashmore) are on a weekend ski trip. It’s Sunday and they want one more time down the mountain. They talk the lift guy into letting them go up one more time, but through a chain of events, they end up stuck on the lift. And the resort doesn’t open again until the next Friday. Now, how do they et down? And are those wolves they’re hearing?

That little premise holds a lot more fear than it seems like it should. Not only is there plenty of suspense, but there’s more emotion than you would think of coming from Adam. The two guys have been best friends since grade school and the girl is dating one of them. You can see where that’s going.

Not an amazing film by any means, but absolutely worth checking out. One of my friends who hates Adam said that this is absolutely his best film. He liked it quite a bit. If that’s not a recommendation, I don’t know what is.

THE CENTIPEDE HORROR (1984)

**½ (2.5/5)

Directed by: Keith Li
Written by: Amy Chan Suet-Ming

Hong Kong isn’t really known for thier horror movies…and there’s kind of a reason for that. Most of them are pretty silly. I mean, Mr. Vampire is a great movie, but it’s silly as hell.

The Centipede Horror really won’t win any converts for HK horror. In fact, it will probably make people run from the genre.

The movie was introduced to us as being horribly vile and banned in many countries. I don’t really understand what the hell Tim and Zack were talking about. Yeah, there were a couple of gross-out moments, but it really wasn’t any worse than most Hollywood movies now. Vomiting centipedes (real ones!) is gross, but it’s not as squirm enducing as they made it out to be.

A couple of young girls go from HK to SE Asia (they talk about it like it’s a country) for a quick vacation. They’ve been warned to never go there, but they go anyway and, of course, one of them DIES!!!! She’s killed by centipedes, which apparently have a bite so strange that no doctor knows what one looks like.

Her brother comes to SE Asia to find out what happened and gets trapped in a plot by an evil wizard who hates the guy’s grandfather. He’s cursing everyone in the man’s family to be killed by centipedes.

What’s really interesting about this movie is how quickly everyone is ready to jump on the “maybe it’s something supernatural” bandwagon. Someone trips and their friend says, “Maybe an evil wizard cursed you!”

It’s a pretty awful movie, but it’s funny in its awfulness. Possibly the worst movie of the day, but it was enough fun that I was able to enjoy it. If you’re a fan of bad, weird Asian cinema, see if you can find it. And watch for the broiled zombie chickens.

THE CANDY SNATCHERS (1973)

** (2/5)

Directed by: Guerdon Trueblood
Written by: Bryan Gindoff

The fake lineup movie for this one was The Lovely Bones. Heh.

Candy (Susan Sennett) is a 16 year old daughter of a jewel store manager. She gets kidnapped by three inept criminals who want a bag full of diamonds from her dad. What they don’t realize is that daddy isn’t too hip to getting Candy back.

I really don’t have a lot to say about this one. It’s an exploitation film that I don’t think made a really big impression on anyone except for the weird relationship that Candy developes with one of the kidnappers. It’s not supposed to be sexual, but it’s still a little bit creepy.

And then there’s the ending with the mute kid and his annoying mom. She’s SUPER-annoying. But her kid isn’t much better, really, and he’s suppoed to be sort of a hero of the movie…kind of.

IRON MAN 2 TRAILER

This was the only clip we had all night! I was a little surprised. It started out as an E! True Hollywood Story style bit about Harry with Jon Favreau, JJ Abrams and Michael Fucking Bay talking about how Harry nearly ruined their careers. Then Jon comes back and introduces the trailer. It looks pretty awesome, although I agree with one reviewer: Mickey Rourke’s Whiplash looks like he’s more of a danger to himself than to Iron Man. We’ll see, though. I’ll be there. You know it.

***** (5/5)

Directed by: Matthew Vaughan
Written by: Matthew Vaughan/Jane Goldman
Based on comic by: Mark Millar

I kind of can’t believe that they allowed a movie to be called Kick-Ass, but that’s really the only way that I could describe the movie, to be perfectly honest.

Dave (Aaron Johnson) is a geek. He’s a little bit obsessed with comic books and spends most of his time with his two buddies at a local coffee shop/comic book store. (Why hasn’t someone opened one of these up in Austin?!)

That’s where he gets the idea. The idea that will change his life forever. How come no one has ever become a superhero? So that’s just what he does. He goes out and buys a wet suit and walks around town until he finds some crime to fight…and gets his ass beat.

Kick-Ass didn’t have a very auspicious beginning, but he soon finds out that there are other people doing it…and they’re much better at it than he is.

Damon Macready (Nicolas Cage and his moustache) is a devoted father to Mindy (Chloe Moretz from (500) Days Of Summer and Hammer’s upcoming remake of Let The Right One In). So devoted, in fact, that he has taught her to kick some major ass…and he helps her steal the movie from everyone else.

Frank D’Amico (Mark Strong from Rocknrolla) is a gangster. He’s also a family man. His son, Chris (Christopher Mintz-Plasse), goes to school with Dave, but he’s never able to make friends with anyone. Too many bodyguards. All he wants to do is fit in at school. And, of course, be just like his dad.

The movie wasn’t quite finished, but DAMN was it good! It never let up! The action only stops long enough to let some more comedy in. And there’s more than enough story and character to go around. It’s surprising to me that this was based on a comic book by the same guy who created Wanted.

I’m not really sure how this movie is going to find an audience, though. It’s a pretty hard R what with all of the violence and cursing being perpetrated by small children. (Mindy says things that would make a grown-ass man blush.) But I really hope that it’s a hit.

Kick-Ass comes out in April with a few CGI tweaks and a slightly different soundtrack. The soundtrack was a major source of consternation amongst the audience. It was fucking perfect the way it was! But Warner Brothers won’t let them use the Batman and Superman themes. That’s really too bad, because they’re used in scenes that are perfect with those themes.

Speaking of the soundtrack, there’s one scene where the audience burst out into applause and then started clapping along to the score. I’ve been to a LOT of movies in my life and that is something that I’ve never witnessed.

Yeah. We all loved this movie. It was my favorite of the day. Go see it in April.

Director Matthew Vaughan was at the screening and talked a bit about the casting process. Apparently, there’s a mother out there who was very upset with the fact that there was a masturbation reference on page three. She thought that it would give her 16 year old son bad ideas. Lady! Your 16 year old son had those ideas at LEAST three years ago! And he’s had those same ideas a LOT! Stop worrying about it!

Before I go, one more plea:

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET MATTHEW VAUGHAN USE THE BATMAN AND SUPERMAN THEMES!!!!

GodDAMN, I can’t wait to see this movie again!

Ok. I’m done. On to the next movie

Visuals: ***** (5/5) Story: ***½ (3.5/5)

Directed by: James Cameron
Written by: James Cameron

I really wish that Harry had ended the day with Kick-Ass, but whatever. The day ended the way it needed to, not the way we wanted it to.

We all know what Avatar is by now: James Cameron’s new half-billion dollar movie about aliens, environmentalism and 3-D.

But we don’t all know what it’s like. I do. I’ll tell you.

Jake Sully (Sam Worthington) is a Marine who is now paralyzed. His twin brother was part of the Avatar project, which allows humans to go out onto a hostile planet without dying from the atmosphere. They are basically able to project their minds into artificial bodies of the local inhabitants. This also means that they can (sort of) blend in with the aliens.

The Marines are there to take a certain element from the planet, no matter what the inhabitants say. The unfortunate thing for all involved is the fact that the biggest deposit is right under the giant tree that the inhabitants live in.

The other unfortunate thing is that Jake is actually a little bit sensitive. While he’s in his brother’s avatar, he falls in love with one of the natives (Zoe Saldana) and decides that they deserve to live their lives the way they want to.

SHOCK!!

The other side of things involves Sigourney Weaver as a scientist who feels the same way as Jake and Giovanni Ribisi as an engineer (maybe?) who thinks that these “savages” need to get the hell out of the way of Earthling’s progress.

It’s Dances With Ferngully! Add in some comments about how “we ARE the terrorists” and you’ve got a modern fable about America and how selfish we are.

I dunno. The movie is decent as far as the story is concerned. Nothing special, though.

No one cares about the story, though. Not really. They’re going for the spectacle. And that spectacle is fucking amazing! The CGI is nearly perfect. (Still a bit cartoony for my taste, but that’s to be expected…kinda.) The 3-D is amazing. The world that Cameron and his crew created is beautiful. It’s absolutely worth seeing on the big screen in 3-D. Probably even on the IMAX.

I just really wish that he had attached a better story to those visuals.

Well, maybe next time…ten years from now.

That’s it from BNAT! It was actually a pretty amazing day. Harry fully admits that the last couple of years have been a little bit on the lame side. Not terrible at all, but not really want BNAT is all about. He’s remembered now and, hopefully, his mojo is back. We’ll see next year.

See you in the theatre. I’ll be right behind you.

***½ (3.5/5)

Directed by: Michael Greene
Written by: Michael Greene/Karem Sanga

Another Austin festival, another movie about Austin stoners. What makes this one different? Um…well…not much, really.

Michael (director/co-writer Michael Greene) is a career stoner. He’s about to graduate from college, which means that his mom (Cyndi Williams) is about to stop paying for his life. He wants to write, but he has no ambition for anything. All he really does is smoke. When he gets into dealing things really take a turn.

Dan (Dan Bui) is constantly beseiged by a guy who wants him to join him at a motivational speaker’s meeting. (“Just listen to the tape! It will change your life!”) Fuck that, Dan says, but he’s too nice to actually say it.

Mark (Eddie Mathis) is a lady’s man who doesn’t want to admit it. Becky (Caitlin Smith) is his current fling. Does he really like her? Or does he like his freewheeling lifestyle better?

Karem (co-writer Karem Sanga) is the straightlace of the bunch. He’s always studying and never smokes. When he goes to a party with the other guys and tries smoking for the first time his whole life gets a little…strange. Oh yeah, and he’s a little bit obsessed with Becky.

Not a bad film and pretty funny, but there’s absolutely nothing new here. And I kind of wonder just how much these guys have smoked. I’ve never smoked in my life, so I’m not the guy to come to to ask what it’s like, but I’m pretty sure that pot doesn’t have the same affect on people as ecstacy. Karem smoked once and was suddenly sweaty, hallucinating and touching people that he previously didn’t want to touch. Doubt it.

I’m glad that Austin has a thriving film scene and I’m glad that a lot of films get made here for basically no money. But I wish Austin filmmakers would make films about something besides themselves. Sure, they put out a few good flicks every year, but they’re all a little samey.

THOR AT THE BUS STOP (2009)

***½ (3.5/5)

Directed by: Jerry Thompson/Mike Thompson
Written by: Jerry Thompson/Mike Thompson

Don’t you hate it when you see someone interesting on the side of the road, but you can’t stop to find out what they’re all about?

I used to until I saw Thor At The Bus Stop.

Thor, the God Of Thunder And Lightning, is waiting at the bus stop. He is about to die and he knows it. You’ll have to excuse him for being a bit melancholy. And when everyone keeps asking him if he plays basketball he gets a little…angry.

Thor meets and forgets about 20 people throughout this travels around the outskirts of Vegas. We also meet them and follow them around for a while. There’s a slightly disgruntled pizza guy, a white trash dude whose sister was the first victim of Thor’s wrath, a couple of dudes in a car driving for no apparent reason, a couple of thugs with nothing better to do than steal lunch boxes, a guy with a yeild sign through his chest….just a whole lot of people.

The best character is constantly called “the coolest guy in the whole world,” but he’s still a cliche. In fact, I kept expecting him to call his dad, Sam Jackson.

There were some bright spots in the film and some good lines, but it was too long by about half. We got a bit TOO involved in all of these peoples’ lives and, frankly, I just didn’t care.

But, by the end, there is no real mystery left. We find out about all of the characters and learn their stories. And I mean ALL of them. Even the ones who only showed up for 10 seconds in the beginning of the film.

All I can say is, “Meh.”

POCKET FULL OF SOUL (2009)

****½ (4.5/5)

Directed by: Marc Lempert
Written by: Marc Lempert

Think of the song “Running To Stand Still” by U2. Now take the harmonica out of it. You know what you’ve just done? You’ve taken the soul out of the song. The mourning that Bono and the boys feel for their friends who died of heroine overdoses in Ireland.

Now think of another song. “Love Me Do” by The Beatles. Now take the harmonica out of that song. You’ve just taken the joy of love out of it. Paul no longer has young love in his heart.

The harmonica is an instrument that hasn’t gotten a lot of respect in the past 50 years or so and that’s a real shame. It’s a damn versitile instrument and the people who play it are absolutely in love with it.

Now Marc Lempert has made a film that celebrates the world’s most portable music maker and he’s done a great job. In 47 minutes he interviews all of the greats alive today (except Dan Aykroyd who is thanked and mentioned, but not interviewed) including John Popper (one of the best today), Kim Wilson and Huey Lewis, who also narrates. I think he’s vying for a comeback with this and the theme song for Pineapple Express.

If you’ve ever wanted to know the history of the harmonica or are just interested in knowing why it’s so important to so many people, seek this film out. It’s absolutely worth it.

A LIFETIME IN REPAIR (2009)

The only festival I know of that puts the short AFTER the feature.

I’ve driven by Musical Exchange on North Loop many times, but I’ve never ventured in or even really thought too much about it. That little shop, though, has a long history and Walter is a pretty interesting guy.

This short film tells us what it truly means to love an instrument and to make it cry and sing the way its supposed to. Walter Hutcherson has been fixing guitars since 1962 and he plans on doing it until his fingers fall off.

Good for him. he’s a crusty old man and I’ve never met him, but I kind of love him. It’s people like him who keep Austin what it always should be: Austin.

LITTLE FISH, STRANGE POND (2009)

**** (4/5)

Directed by: Gregory Dark
Written by: Robert Dean Klein

Sweet Stephen (Callum Blue from Dead Like Me) and Mr. Jack (Matthew Modine) are murderers. But they’re very philosophical about their trade. In fact, Stephen may actually be getting a (gasp!) conscience!

Never fear, though. They are still bad, bad dudes who kill beautiful young ladies in LA like nobody’s business. (Ok, they only kill one in the movie, but you get the feeling that they’ve done it before.) They just have long conversations about good vs. evil while contemplating their own lives and eventual deaths.

Meanwhile, Tommy the Cop (Adam Baldwin from Firefly) is drunk and depressed. He’s also hot on their heels. Well, more lukewarm on their heels. He just thinks that they’re fuckin’ weird dudes when he first meets them after an attempted robbery at a porn shop run by Zach Galifianakis. Why rob a porn shop? Well, that’s a mystery that Mr. Jack unravels before the robber is on the floor.

This is a strange little film that I’m not really sure how to describe. It’s kind of a comedy, kind of a thriller, kind of a drama, kind of an existential murder story. There’s even some tabloid tv satire that, honestly, is a few years behind the curve. (The script was written 14 years ago by Robert Dean Klein.)

It’s an interesting film and even a pretty good film. I can’t really say that it’s for everyone, though, because it tries so hard to be philosophical. It hits it right a few times, but sometimes I think it’s kind of all for show.

There were some very good performances, especailly from Modine and Blue who seemed to be doing impressions of each other throughout the film. (Blue is an Englishman doing a slightly shakey American accent and Modine is an American playing an American pretending to be English with a terrible accent.) I always kind of felt sorry for Stephen and was absolutely terrified of what Mr. Jack might do next. Sure, the man was funny, but he was menacing as hell. The performance made me really miss Matthew Modine. I haven’t seen him in far too long.

The film also made me interested in seeing some of Klein’s other films. Unfortunately, after looking up all eight of them, I saw that he wrote two for Uwe Boll. Dammit.

Ask for his help, apparently.

But let’s ask about some previews first:

AMERICAN GANGSTER–Denzel Washington as a bad guy again? I’m for it. He plays a buy who has built his family up from nothing and Russell Crow (who looks like he’s lost a LOT of weight) is the cop who wants to take him down. Ridley Scott directs them both to some gangsterific fun. And Nicholas Pileggi is one of the producers!

Yeah. I’m there.

VANTAGE POINT–Dennis Quaid is a secret service agent when the President (William Hurt) is supposedly killed. Forrest Whitaker is a witness. But did they all see what they think they saw? Or is there a bigger conspiracy going on? Another big action flick that looks pretty awesome.

I AM LEGEND–Oh, I am SO down for this one. At first, I was a little worried about the whole Will Smith/Ahnold debate, but I think I can do with Will taking the place of Moses.

Will is the last man on Earth walking the lonely streets of Manhattan. But there’s something else out there trying to take him out. I’ve never read the book, but I’ve always wanted to. This version may be a bit closer to the source than The Omega Man was, but I like that one a lot. We’ll see how Will does, but I’m in line for it.

STARDUST–Neil Gaiman tries again for Hollywood. This one has something to do with a mythical city where people never leave. When a kid decides to go investigate a falling star (Claire Danes), he ends up swordfighting with Robert DeNiro and battling witches led by Michelle Pfeiffer.

Looks a little cheesy, but I’ll probably see it. I’ll see anything with Peter O’Toole. It ain’t no Golden Compass, though.

That’s it for previews…what about those boys in the Ocean?

So, Danny Ocean (George Clooney) and his crew need to do another job. This time it’s personal, though. ____ Bank (Al Pacino) has screwed over ______ (Elliott Gould) and basically put him in a coma. The crew comes back together to get him out of his medical funk and pull off a huge job on Bank.

(Of course, all of this makes it kind of weird that Danny would say that ‘It’s not Tess’ fight’ since she loved _____. They needed a better reason for Julia Roberts to not be here, I think.)

And, yes, at one point they have to call in a little help from Terry ____ (Andy Garcia), their mark in the first movie and the man who made their lives hell in the second. His reasoning for helping them is a little flimsy, but I can imagine that he wants Bank out of Vegas.

Basically, there are holes galore (I still don’t understand most of the plot)…but that didn’t matter this time. Unlike Ocean’s 12, it didn’t seem forced and there was no ‘She looks JUST like….!’ If the sense of fun has diminished a little bit, it didn’t hurt the movie. It’s not as good as the first, but it’s a FUCKLOAD better than the second.

These guys are still the epitome of cool. And Pacino just adds to the fun. It’s always great to see him be such a bad-ass that you want to lose. Ellen Barkin, who plays his right hand woman, seemed a little wasted in her role, but it was good to see the two of them together again.

I was NOT too excited to see ______ (_______) back again. He was the most annoying part of Ocean’s 12. But he didn’t have nearly as big of a role here and he was actually a little bit…cool…this time.

The most welcome addition to the crew was Eddie Izzard. He didn’t have a lot to do, but he was great. I would watch him in just about anything, though.

This is a good way to end the Ocean’s Epic. And I think they’re done. They kind of allude to the end here. They acknowledge that Vegas has changed and talk about the way things used to be. There’s a big scene where Danny and Rusty (Brad Pitt) reminisce about the Sands and how they learned to gamble from _______. You could tell that Soderberg and the boys aren’t too happy about the Disney-fying of Las Vegas. It’s no longer an amusement park for adults. It’s a place for people to show off their wealth and build bigger and more obnoxious casinos. Bank’s obviously Fred Ghery inspired casino is quite possibly the most obnoxious building I’ve ever seen…and it’s supposed to be the new crown jewel of Vegas. (It doesn’t really exist, of course. I’m not sure that something that tall and fragile would actually stand for very long.)

It made me sad for the old days of Vegas even though I’ve never really seen those days. I’ve been there once and it was already owned by Disney.

But once there was a day when shaking Sinatra’s hand meant something. A time when the casino was more important than the jewels. When kids didn’t want to go to Vegas. When a certain amount of honor was traded among the thieves of the town. And Danny and the boys belong to that time. And it’s time for them to fade away. As much fun as it would be to see what they could come up with for Ocean’s 14, 13 is a good number for them to stop on.

Besides, Linus (Matt Damon) is all grown up now.

FUCK

Did you ever wonder why the fuck the word ‘fuck’ is such a big deal? Why it curls mothers’ toes? Why it makes the MPAA run for cover?

Steve Anderson decided that it was time to get to the bottom of things. His documentary traces the word back to its fuzzy origins (it’s NOT an acronym) and brings it up to modern times where it’s almost normal to hear it in the streets.

The good thing about this movie is that it takes both sides and puts them right there for everyone to see. He interviews liberals, conservatives, religious leaders, comedians, politicians, journalists…all of them have an opinion. (And, no, Sam Donaldson doesn’t say it. Damn.)

Anderson has Bill Plympton do some animations to, erm, demonstrate some of the ways ‘fuck’ can be used. He also does a lot of transition animations. They’re cool, as always, but they’re more simplistic than usual, as if he was a little rushed. Not a bad thing, though. Just an observation.

This is actually a really good, fun documentary about the uselessness of condemning a useful word. After all, how can a word about love and sex be so evil?

A PRAIRIE HOME COMPANION

Just about everyone knows Garrison Keillor’s radio show about the goings-on of Lake Woebegone and it’s crazy characters. At least, we know that it exists. Personally, I’ve never heard the show all the way through, so I don’t know a whole lot about it.

But I do know that, over the past 30 years or so that the show has been on the air, it has amassed a lot of characters and a lot of fans. Who else but Robert Altman could actually tie them all together in one movie?

I think these are actually different characters from the show, except for Garrison himself. In fact, most of the actors have been replaced by known people. I kind of wonder how the original actors feel about that. Oh well. What’s done is done.

But this cast is pretty amazing. Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep play singing sisters who are the last remnants of a Carter Family type group from the 50s. They have hopes that Meryl’s daughter (Lindsey Lohan actually doing an ok job again) will carry on the tradition. But all she can do is write poems about suicide. Woody Harrelson and John C. Reilly are a couple of singing cowboys who can’t keep the dirty jokes out of their songs. There’s also the old singing cowboy (Peckinpah alum and director of A Boy And His Dog, LQ Jones) who is having an affair with the set cook (Marylouise Burke).

Of course, there has to be conflict. There’s a mysterious man (Tommy Lee Jones) who is supposed to get everyone ready to shut the show down. The theatre has been sold and it’s coming down to build a parking lot…or something like that. The set security and ex-private dick (Kevin Kline in a very Clouseau-esque role—maybe he should have played the bumbling cop instead of Dreyfuss) is trying to figure out a way to get the guy to change his mind. He has some help from another mysterious person who says that she’s an angel (Virginia Madsen looking better than she has in years).

And, of course, Garrison Kiellor is the eye of the hurricane trying to keep everything calm onstage while everything falls apart backstage.

I seem to be one of the few people who really liked this one. I thought it was Altman’s best film since Short Cuts back in 1993. It’s a lot of fun and is full of awesome performances. (Lily and Meryl showed where their Oscar introduction’s great chemistry came from.) Even though I’ve never really heard the radio show, this is the whimsical feel that I imagine it has. Go check this out if you’re a fan of the show or Altman. You won’t be disappointed.

THIS FILM IS NOT YET RATED

How does the MPAA make its decisions on the ratings for movies? Are they really as biased as independent filmmakers say they are? Kirby Dick would certainly have us think so. (And I totally believe him, by the way.)

Kirby has taken a lesson from Michael Moore and is trying to infiltrate the MPAA. They are one of the most secret societies in America. In fact, the only government association that is more secretive is the CIA. (And don’t believe that the government isn’t involved here. President Jack Valenti worked in the government before he worked in Hollywood.) You’re not allowed to know who is rating the movies. And when you go to appeal your rating, you not allowed to ask who the Appeals Board is. And they seem to have different requirements for different films. Sharon Stone can show her entire hamburger bun in Basic Instinct, but Maria Bello can’t show pubic hair in The Cooler. And the director isn’t allowed to bring up precedent! The past has nothing to do with what we’re doing now. Even the Supreme Court allows precedent.

He hires a private eye to find out who the people on the boards are. To me, that was almost the least interesting part of the film. But it was still really good.

I don’t want to give away too much, but let’s just say that some of the members are surprising. Some, however, are not. And it’s not too surprising to find out that there are no psychologists on either board.

I loved this movie. Anything that shows how evil the MPAA truly is and how it’s in the pockets of the studios is fine by me. And it doesn’t hurt that’s it’s an awesome movie. If you’ve ever wondered why The Passion Of The Christ was able to get an R rating, but The Dreamers wasn’t, this will tell you. They say that they’re just reflecting the values of America. But if America was more racist than it already is, would movies with inter-racial sex be NC-17?

THE WEDDING DATE—So, first we had the best friend’s wedding. Then the Wedding Planner. Sometime in the near future we have the Crashers. Now we have the Date. This stars Debra Messing and Dermot Mulroney (I guess his wedding didn’t work out)…

Wait. Why am I even previewing this one? We all know it’s going to suck. Hell, even the people who want to see it know it’s going to be crap. Let’s move on.

EPISODE III—Speaking of which…Actually this one looks like it could be much better than the last two (can’t get much worse, as John Lennon would say), but I’m still skeptical. I still CAN’T FUCKIN’ WAIT, though. The preview mixes scenes from the original trilogy and the new movie including lots of Anakin looking like an asshole and THE DARTH VADER SUIT! But I guess we all knew that.

I had seen this online, but I hadn’t seen it yet on the big screen. Looks better than it ever could be.

Now, Buster, let’s get to Closer.

First off, let’s get this out of the way: NO, Natalie Portman is not naked. Not really. She comes very close, though. She wears a very tiny bra thing and a g-string and even at one point pulls it aside to show the world to Clive Owen. Unfortunately, his head is in the way of our view.

None of this stops the geek in us all from growing three times its size. She is one mahotmama and, even though Mike Nichols cut the full frontal scene out (bastard…we know you’ve got that footage on constant repeat at home), I’m still happy with that aspect of the movie.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s talk about the actual movie.

Alice (the Goddess Natalie) is a free spirit and she doesn’t mind lying to get what she wants and to make people happy. (“Everyone loves a big, fat lie.”) She’s running from a past relationship by fleeing to London from New York. She used to be a stripper, but is trying to make ends meet without that in London.

Dan (Jude Law) is a sad sack obituary writer and failed author who really doesn’t have much going for him. When he meets Alice, though, everything changes. The two fall in love quite literally at first sight. So much so that she gets hit by a taxi before they can actually meet. (Like another free spirited character of Natalie’s, she gets to know her future lover in a hospital/doctor’s waiting room.)

Anna (Julia Roberts) is a closed up photographer who puts more feeling into her photos than into her life. When Dan meets her (a year after meeting Alice) he falls for her instantly. She, however does not return his affection…right away. So he goes home to Alice (the subject of his new book), but can’t forget about Anna.

Larry (Clive Owen) is a harsh (and slightly perverted) dermatologist who enjoys hanging out in online chatrooms waiting for cybersex. He meets Anna through Dan (completely accidentally) and they fall for each other.

And things just go downhill from there. Each partner visits the other partner at various times and in various places and have various harsh words for everyone. Like a Neil LaBute play, the characters in this play-turned-film are pretty much horrible people. But, unlike most of LaBute’s characters, these folks are extremely human. We can all connect to each one in different ways. And, while I like LaBute’s work, I think playwright Patrick Marber is better at making those human connections. Like Mike Nichol’s earlier Who’s Afraid Of Virginia Woolf?, Closer examines adult relationships in very adult ways. It knows that people aren’t simple. We’re not good or bad. We’re both. And we hurt and are hurt very easily by such silly little things. (“You’re more like a cat who got the cream and can’t stop licking himself.”) This is not as good as the earlier film, but it’s still very good in its own way.

The performances are all very good. They each show the joys and pains of new love and the utter heartbreak of it being over. Clive is the standout here. His words hit like a fist. He has to make people hate him so that it doesn’t hurt so much that he hates them, so he finds their weak spots and twists the knife in it. He is at once the most hurtful and the most hurt character in the film.

The film is pretty stagy, but that happens when you film a play that consists of only four real speaking parts. And it’s fairly easy to tell that it was probably written for four British characters instead of two British men and two American women. Alice says things like, “Can I use your loo?” and “Do you still fancy me?” Not very 20-year-old-American girl of her.

In the end, the whole movie is about lies and the protection they give us. Sometimes the happiest people are the people who lie to themselves and their loved ones. But are they happy because of the lie? Or because they’re avoiding life?

If you’ve ever been hurt by someone, go see this movie. If you’ve ever hurt someone, go see this movie. If you love Natalie’s ass, DEFINITELY go see this movie.

BE COOL—The sequel to Get Shorty looks like it could be just as cool. This one focuses on the music industry, though, and reunites Mr. Travolta with Uma. It also stars Vince Vaughn as a wigger record producer and Cedric The Entertainer and, I guess, a rival producer. The Rock, Danny DeVito and Harvey Keitel also show up. I really liked the first one a lot, so I’m ready for this one. But sequels don’t always live up to the hype. (Foreshadowing?)

THE WEDDING CRASHERS—Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson team up (yet again) to crash weddings to get laid. It’s gonna be stupid as hell, but with these two guys it’ll be funny, too.

In other news, I have four weddings to go to next month…

MR. AND MRS. SMITH—Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are a semi-happily married couple who also happen to be assassins in opposite corners. Their covers are blown when they get each other as their next assignments.

This is the movie that Nicole Kidman dropped out of and was up in the air for a long time after that. I guess it’s good that they got it made, but it looks like True Lies meets The War Of The Roses. Good thing? Who knows.

One of the connections for these kids is (Crazy!) Vince Vaughn.

CONSTANTINE—Keanu Reeves (whoa!) is an…angel? Maybe? Something like that. Either way he’s stuck between Heaven and Hell and is out to save the Earth one demon at a time. Rachel Weisz wants to see what he sees. This is based on a DC comic book called Hellblazer (couldn’t call it that, guys? Why not? Bad sign) and, strangely, does NOT feature Vince Vaughn.

The preview actually looks pretty good even though Keanu is around. I’ll be there. It’s The Matrix meets The Exorcist hopefully not meeting Van Helsing.

Now let’s get to this crazy, kooky sequel that we’ve all been waiting for.

And let’s ask this question: Why? Why did we need a sequel to a really good, fun movie that had an ending? I understand the appeal of getting these guys back together because, hell, I wanted them back together, too! Ocean’s 11 was so much fun and the chemistry was so thick that I knew they all had to work together again. But how ‘bout a remake of Robin And The Seven Hoods?

Instead they found a slightly used script (by George Nolfi (Timeline) written for John Woo to direct), found the writer again and told him to wedge their characters into it. What resulted was a slightly fun mess of a movie.

The plot has something to do with Terry Benedict (Andy Garcia) finding Danny Ocean (George Clooney) and his boys and asking nicely for his money back. With interest. (Of course, nicely is subjective. He doesn’t kill them and gives them two weeks to get the money to him.) The boys are then forced to reconvene and figure out a way to make all of the money back. They get a job in Europe to steal a Faberge Egg that belonged to one pope or another, take it back to the Night Fox (Vincent Cassell in a pretty annoying role) and he will then pay off the debt. The catch is that they have to beat him to the egg. And he’s the one who helped Benedict find them all.

Add to this the fact that Rusty’s (Brad Pitt) ex-girlfriend, Isabel (Catherine Zeta-Jones looking better than she has in a long time), is a cop who is not only after the Night Fox, but she’s after Rusty, too. And she’s a damn good cop whose father was a thief.

Steven Soderbergh managed to get everybody back (not too hard when they had so much fun on the first one) and brought it in with the same budget. He also made it a beautiful film. It looks just like a 60’s European crime movie like Blow Up. (That’s possibly why the women look so amazing in it.)

The actors were, for the most part, just as charming as they were in the first one, too. The characters, while at times underused (was Basher (Don Cheadle) really needed this time?), were still great. But I think the only reason that they seemed well drawn this time out was because we knew them so well from the last movie. This movie would crumble if it weren’t a sequel.

One character, though, didn’t survive the translation at all. What the fuck was up with Benedict? He was all suave and business-like in the first one, always wearing perfect suits. Now he’s wearing frilly purple jackets with big frilly collars and poofy shirts while carrying an ivory tipped cane? What the…? Who died and made him Liberace?

Other problems? Let’s start with Vincent Cassell. Certainly not the biggest problem, but he’s the most obvious at first glance. His character just sucks. He’s supposed to be some kind of master thief, but he’s so flamboyant as to be outed any second now. Even though he’s some sort of royalty I think the cops would pick up his scent a mile away. And the fact that he’s tragically thin didn’t help, either. He took his shirt off a couple of times in the movie and I wanted to shove a piece of cake down his throat. Then there was that STUPID Entrapment “homage.” Just lame. Why anyone would pay homage to that movie I will never know. (Except that one of its stars is here, that is.) Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe they were paying homage to Ali G In Da House.

The entire plot was way too contrived. It’s hard to follow at times and not all of their plans seemed to do much for them. (Why did they all have to get pinched?) And the “She looks just like her!” joke was kind of funny, but would have been MUCH funnier if they hadn’t told us exactly who she looked like.

There were a few fun cameos here and there (Robbie Coltrane and Eddie Izzard are always welcome in any movie) but there was one that was just lame and out of place. (And, yes, it involved the above joke.) And when Topher Grace shows up again, what does, “You didn’t have to go all Frankie Muniz on her” mean?

There was some good stuff going on, too. Besides the look of the film, the music was awesome and just about any scene between Rusty, Danny and Linus (Matt Damon) was great. Other than that, it was not NEARLY as good as the first one. Almost not worth seeing unless you’re REALLY into these characters. Even then check it out at matinee prices.

Too bad, really. Even though they ended the first one perfectly, there were so many ways to make a great sequel. What a waste of a perfectly good tagline.

This mockumentary was just about the funniest movie I saw at the festival. Christopher Guest has some competition now. The characters are all very funny (even straight man Bobby gets a lot of laughs) and the director, Brant Sersen, obviously loves his characters and paintball, but he loves to make fun of the guys who take it too seriously, too. He’s got a lot of affection for these losers. Even the guy who reminded me of Walter, John Goodman’s character from The Big Lebowski.

It’s a great flick with a lot of really big laughs in it. The acting is so good that it’s sometimes hard to tell that it’s just a MOCKumentary. Check it out if it gets released and comes anywhere near you.

I can’t believe this, but this is the only movie I saw today. I’m a loser.

Or perhaps I’m not.

WALKING TALL–The Rock is at it again and, you know, after The Rundown I actually kind of want to see this one.

It’s based on actual events (or, more accurately, inspired by them) and is a remake of a Joe Don Baker movie from the 70s. The sheriff’s name was changed (his real name and the character in the original were Buford Pusser…I bet The Rock didn’t want that kind of name), but the story is about the same. Small town guy comes back to small town, finds out it’s been corrupted by an old high school friend and he goes after said friend with a big 4×4 piece of wood. Hero becomes sheriff and legitimately takes the town back.

Looks like a lot of explosions and action. I might check it out. I’m still stuck on that stigma of The Rock, though. Can’t like him.

FOG OF WAR–Yeah, I’ve already reviewed this movie, but I think it should be required viewing for all Americans. Excellent documentary about William McNamara, one of the most prominent Secretaries of Defense in our nation’s history. Go see it.

Now, let’s get to the last Best Picture nominee that I had to see.

Jimmy Markum (Sean Penn) is a small-time thug in Boston. He grew up on the streets and he stayed in the streets. He’s gone clean now that he’s got a wife (Laura Linney) and three daughters, but he still associates with his past in ways that even his wife doesn’t really know about.

Dave Boyle (Tim Robbins) is still shattered. His life took a turn when he was a kid and his two friends watched as he was taken off by strangers to be held for four days in a basement while the two men repeatedly raped him. He’s got a wife (Marcia Gay Harden) and kid, but he is not the man he could have been.

Sean Devine (Kevin Bacon) is a decent cop. His wife left him while she was pregnant with their daughter, but she still calls him all the time, not saying a word. Just listening for the right words to come out of his mouth.

These three guys were best friends when they were kids, but Dave’s abduction split them apart. Now, 25 years later, Jimmy’s 19 year old daughter’s murder has brought them back together.

Clint Eastwood has been directing these kinds of movies for about a decade now. True Crime, Midnight In The Garden Of Good And Evil, Blood Work: they’re all murder mysteries the focus on a man’s past coming back to haunt him in some way or another. They all feature good acting and good direction, but something was always missing.

This time he’s hit the mark, though. Yeah, it’s just a murder mystery, but it seems to be something more than that because the acting is absolutely amazing. We feel the torture, heartache and torment of a parent who has lost a child in a horrible, violent way. We feel the inner turmoil of a man whose life has passed him by because of a terrible event in his past. And we feel the earth-shattering conflict of a wife who thinks that he husband killed his friend’s daughter and doesn’t know what to do about it.

Then again, what do you expect when you get four of the best actors we have going right now together? (The fourth is Laurence Fishburne who plays Sean’s partner.) This is a powerhouse of a cast putting in some of their best performances.

But the story, while very good, has some holes in it. Sean and Whitey (Fishburne…how ironic) don’t exactly seem to be very good cops. They let one piece of evidence go until the last minute that we as the audience (if we’re paying attention) can pick up on earlier than they ever do.

And what’s up with Laura Linney’s character at the end? She has a reaction to something that actually pissed me off. It’s not how you want someone like her to act at all and she really doesn’t have any indication that she ever would act like that. It’s just weird and seems contrary to her entire character, what little of that there is. (She’s one of the few characters that doesn’t get a lot of screentime or development.)

The end also seemed a little too out of nowhere. A little too easy on the writers.

But, really, the acting is why people like this movie. It deserves all of the acting nominations that it got, although I’m still for Bill Murray for Best Actor.

I’m on top of it, though. Vince Vaughn plays the bad guy and that’s enough to get me to at least rent this one. He’s a great comedic bad guy. And Fred Williamson plays the Captain. Yep. I’m there. It looks pretty funny, too, so that’ll help.

WELCOME TO MOOSEPORT–Do studio execs actually think that Ray Romano can carry a movie? Make him the main character’s best friend (or the voice of an animated mastodon), not the focus of the whole movie. This looks like total ass. Yeah, it also stars Gene Hackman and Maura Tierney, but I seriously doubt that they’re enough to save this piecer. As one of my viewing buddies said, “This looks about as bad as an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond.”

Embarrassing all around.

DIRTY DANCING: HAVANA NIGHTS–I sure do like those kids from Y Tu Mama Tambien, but Diego Luna doesn’t exactly seem to know what he’s doing with his career. Yeah, Open Range was a pretty good western, but he didn’t get to do very much in it. But Vampires: Los Muertos? This piece of crap?

The first movie was a national phenomenon. That’s too bad because it sucks so much ass. This one will fail hard even with Swayze doing a cameo. Remember Grease 2? Didn’t think so. Sorry, Diego. Try again later.

Now, let’s get to that bouncing bathing suit.

Hawaii is beautiful. No doubt about that. The ocean, the mountains, the beaches…there’s just nothing ugly about that state.

Sara Foster is beautiful. Not doubt about that. The hills, the valleys…there’s just nothing ugly about that girl.

That’s what I learned from The Big Bounce. There really wasn’t a whole lot left to the movie. Just lots of lingering shots of those two characters: Hawaii and Sara Foster.

That’s too bad, because this is an Elmore Leonard story, so I’m sure it actually HAS a story! And I’m sure it’s a good one.

From what I could make out, this is the story of Jack Ryan (Owen Wilson….and, no, not THAT Jack Ryan. In fact, I didn’t even realize his name was Ryan until I looked him on up IMDb.), an amateur thief who makes his way to Hawaii after “semi-retiring.” There he starts working for Ray Ritchie (Gary Sinise), a mostly evil developer who wants to put a bunch of native Hawaiians out of their land to build yet another high-rise vacation spot. This doesn’t sit too well with Walter Crewes (Morgan Freeman), the District Judge and owner of a set of bungalows in the shadow of Ray’s proposed hotel.

One day, when the protesters stop work on the building, Jack accidentally gets into a fight with one of Ray’s flunkys (Vinnie Jones) and hits him with a baseball bat. This gets the attention of Walter who hires Jack to work on his bungalows. Jack then gets entwined with Ray’s mistress, Nancy (ex-model Sara Foster) and they start a fun little affair. Then Nancy wants him to help her steal $20,000 from Ray and things get complicated. Meanwhile, Ray’s other flunky, Bob, Jr. (Charlie Sheen) is getting in the way of everybody and wants Nancy all to himself.

Follow me? Somewhere in between is a dominoes game between Morgan, Owen, Willie Nelson and Harry Dean Stanton. (That scene was pretty fun.) Oh, and Bebe Neuwirth is Ray’s wife.

With that many characters and only a 107 minute running time there’s no chance to really get to know any of them. Yeah, we kind of care about Jack because Owen Wilson is one charming mutha and we kind of care about Walter because Morgan is a great actor who can make any piece of crap worthy of caring about. But everyone else is just cardboard that isn’t even strong enough to hang a lei on.

There is some good dialogue that seems to come straight from Leonard’s novel (I’ve never read a single page that he’s written, but I’ve always wanted to…love some of the movies that have been made of his stuff.), but some of it is just kind of dumb. And I have a feeling that Owen was ad-libbing a lot of it. None of his dialogue sounded much like Leonard. It was funny, but it was Owen, not Elmore.

This movie was a total disappointment. It seemed like the writer, Sebastian Gutierrez (Gothika, Judas Kiss and She Creature), was only interested in finding places for Jack and Nancy to have sex, but wasn’t very interested in the heist itself. That only took up about 15 minutes of screen time at the very end. The rest of the movie was the young couple bouncing from place to place trying to get it on.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

The acting was alright, but I was a little annoyed that Gary Sinise was relegated to a virtual cameo. The guy’s a great actor and he doesn’t seem to be able to star in his own movies any more. He was finished shooting this one in about five minutes. And he’s got about 10 minutes of screen time!

Too bad about this one. I’m always up for a good Elmore adaptation. But this wasn’t it. Rent Out Of Sight, Jackie Brown or Get Shorty again. Those are the classics.

LARA CROFT-TOMB RAIDER: THE CRADLE OF LIFE–A simple Tome Raider 2 would have sufficed, but this budding franchise is used to over-indulgence.

This time Jan de Bont tries his hand at making Lara a little more palatable to the silver screen. He can’t do much worse than Simon West did with the first one. That was nearly unwatchable.

I MAY see this one at a sneak or for a REALLY low matinee price. It depends on what I hear about it. I’m not very excited about it, though, other than the fact that Angelina Jolie looks freakin’ awesome in her costume. She’s the only woman who could play Lara Croft.

Too bad she has to do it in such awful movies.

SEABISCUIT–I’m still skeptical about this one, but I trust everyone involved. This was an actual preview (that I walked into the middle of) and it looks like a Big Oscar Movie. I’m sure it’ll be great, but I’m not really looking forward to a biopic of a horse, no matter how great of a runner he was.

Which, of course, won’t keep me from seeing it.

That’s all I can remember, so I guess I’ll have to motor on to the review.

But I’ll try to keep it a…mini?…review?

And I’ll stop now.

Charlie (Mark Wahlberg) is a big time thief who works for old-time thief John Bridger (Donald Sutherland) and his crew: explosives expert Left Ear (Mos Def), computer geek Lyle (Seth Green) and driver Handsome Rob (Jason Statham). John is priming Charlie to take over, but they all have to pull one last heist together before he retires. Unfortunately for John, he trusted the wrong person. Steve (Edward Norton) has a heist of his own to pull and he kills John (and he thinks all of the others) in the process.

One year later Charlie finds Steve and pulls the old team back together with one new addition: Stella Bridger (Charlize Theron). She is a safe cracker for the cops (don’t ask…I didn’t understand, either) and hadn’t wanted to see Charlie and his pals ever again. Now she has a chance to even the score with the man who killed him and took all of the over $40 million dollars worth of Italian gold that they stole together.

Now, I know what we’re all here for: the action and the heists. Yeah, all of the character dynamics are good and the performances are not too shabby. Wahlberg is better than he has been in years and so is Donald Sutherland in his short role. And, of course, Charlize is fucking beautiful. There were times that I had no clue what was going on because I was too busy staring at her. The only weak link, surprisingly, is Norton. He’s alright, but you can kind of tell that he didn’t care too much about the movie. (It was a contractual thing. He had NO interest in being in it and in fact fought to get out of it.) Eddie doesn’t do phoned in performances, but this one comes close.

But who cares? Is the action worth a damn?

Yeppers. It sho’ ‘nuf is. The titular job is pretty cool and the final LA job is even better. Especially when you consider that it features a small battalion of Mini-Coopers that have no business being able to do the things that they do. (Although it is explained that they had some modifications made to them by Wrench (Franky G).) It’s really cool to see them flying down the streets of LA away from a helicopter.

There’s some cheese to be had here, but overall the movie did its job: it made me want to buy a Mini-Cooper. (I know that as soon as the new ones made their debut on this side of the pond a whole bunch of movie execs were salivating to remake this movie. “Imagine the tie-ins!”)

Actually, it kept me interested and excited me a few times. That was its job: to entertain me. And it did. F. Gary Gray (The Negotiator, Friday, A Man Apart) knows how to make an action flick and I’ll be watching out for his next one. (Although I hear that A Man Apart blew. Oh well. Can’t win ‘em all.)

Watch for Napster Man Shawn Fanning playing himself and a quick glimpse of Michael Caine, star of the 1969 original. I haven’t seen that one yet, but I can’t wait to see Michael driving down the streets of London in his own original Mini. Unfortunately it probably isn’t half as exciting as this one. The British idea of action is at times pretty lame if it’s not attached to the name James Bond.