The animated shorts program is always fun at Fantastic Fest. This year was a particularly mixed bag, though. And one film didn’t make it to the Festival in time, so we didn’t see Two Friends. It’ll play Monday, though. And I won’t see it.

PATH OF BLOOD: DEMON AT THE CROSSROADS OF DESTINY (2011)

Directed by: Eric Power

South Park animation with ultra-Samurai-violence? Yes, please! This was a particularly gory little short that hit all of the tropes of a Samurai film, just with animation that made the gore more “palatable.” Loved it even with the anti-climax. (Also a trope of Samurai films, honestly.)

BEDTIME FOR TIMMY (2010)

Directed by: Thomas Nicol

One of my favorites, this is about just what it seems like it would be about: a little boy going to bed and being scared of his closet. He keeps waking up after hearing noises. When he finds out that those noises WERE made by something, he’s not so scared of it. Unfortunately, that thing is scared of something else.

This kind of short makes me happy that stop-motion and claymation are still being used by filmmakers. There was actually a LOT of stop-motion this year.

SK8RZ (2011)

Directed by: Robin Todd

I’m not really sure how I felt about this one. It takes place in a world where people have wheels attached to them. Some are bottoms and some are tops. When one guy who is usually a bottom meets a girl with a broken wheel, it’s love at first skate.

The animation is pretty awful (it kind of looks like bad cyberpunk Photoshop), but the idea is interesting enough for a short. And they may have done that kind of animation on purpose. Whatever. It was ok.

THE LAST NORWEGIAN TROLL (2010)

Directed by: Pjotr Sapegin

Another of my favorites that ended up being a rumination on bygone days and mythologies. The last Troll roams the Norwegian countryside just surviving. He thinks about what little he remembers of his childhood and gets bested by some goats. That’s when he figures out what really happened to the rest of the Trolls.

Max von Sydow narrates and voices the Troll. Pretty awesome stop-motion stuff. This is one that I would show to my friends if it ended up online.

THE HOLY CHICKEN OF LIFE AND MUSIC (2010)

Directed by: NOMINT

Not too sure that I understood this one, but it’s one of two shorts involving chickens. Something about a giant two-headed chicken that controls life and music. Interesting enough, but I don’t really know where the hell it was going.

LADY CRUSH (2011)

Directed by: Hanna Sköld

This was one of my least favorite. A man, a woman and an old woman clash in a story of acceptance and finding yourself. The man wants to be a lady, the woman wants to be old and the old lady wants to be…a crow?

I understood the point and appreciated it, but we were beat over the head by 12 minutes of shots of a guy’s skinny ass transposed with claymation of him pulling his dick off and sticking it to his chest, forming it into breasts.

BLACK DOLL (2011)

Directed by: Sofia Carrillo

Another one that I wasn’t so into, except that the animation was great. (More stop-motion.) A woman is obsessed with her dead little sister…and keeps a doll of her in a jar. Narration didn’t really help move the story along, but the visuals were really interesting.

CREATE (2011)

Directed by: Dan MacKenzie

A mad scientist is creating life. Or is he just a kid with Clay-Doh? Fun stuff that didn’t try for anything loftier than “kids and their imaginations are amazing together.”

YUICHI : THE BEGINNING OF THE END (2011)

Directed by: Aaron D. Guadamuz

Lots of black and white drawings bringing about the end of the world. Nuclear holocaust and giant fish chasing dogs. Cool, but it didn’t really go anywhere. I liked the animation, though.

THE LADY PARANORMA (2011)

Directed by: Vincent Marcone

Big head CGI isn’t usually my thing, but this one really worked. It was a story narrated by Peter Murphy of a girl in a small town who just didn’t fit in. She heard the voices of the dead, but never saw them, so never had a true friend. Finally, one day she sees a chance to have one. Really cool animation and a great story. Very Tim Burton-esque.

INNERCITY (2011)

Directed by: Alain Fournier

Another one that I just didn’t quite get. Again, the world and the marionettes were amazing, but I don’t know what the deal with the pigeons was. A little boy creates wings to fly to a little girl that he’s been watching. But what was the world that they lived in. Post-apocalyptic? Dystopian? I just couldn’t quite follow it or what it was trying to say…and I really feel that it was trying to say something.

LAZAROV (2010)

Directed by: NIETOV

Apparently, this is all about trying to “resurrect Soviet power.” I dunno. It really looked like it was about a bunch of scientists trying to resurrect a plucked chicken. This was one of the biggest laughs of the program. When the chicken comes back to life, things kinda get outta hand. Chaos reigns. Funny, funny stuff with some Three Stooges style action.

DICKFACE (2011)

Directed by: Thomas Seeberg Torjussen/Eric Vogel

A very short short about a guy with a dick nose. He figures out how to pleasure himself…but only for a little while. Really simple. Really funny. Really short. Everyone loved it.

SHORT FUSE: HORROR SHORTS

The horror shorts are always a source of gore and grue. This year, though, only a couple of them were super gory. Most of them were just bordering on horror, really. Not as amazing as in past years.

THE INCUBATOR (2011)

Directed by: Jimmy Weber

So a guy wakes up in a bathtub full of ice and the word “Thanks!” written on the mirror in lipstick. He finds that he’s been ripped open for something. When that something starts to come alive, the old urban legend takes an even more horrific turn.

Not bad and had some good grue towards the end, but I had to look it up after it was all over to remind myself what it was about. Never a really good sign.

THE UNLIVING (2010)

Directed by: Hugo Lilj

The longest of the shorts at 28 minutes, this one probably could have been cut down a little bit. It was really cool, though. We’re in a future where zombies are used for menial labor by basically giving them a lobotomy. When one of the technicians finds his zombified mother, all bets are off.

This one definitely took its time to create its world and I think it really paid off. It was a complete story, which is more than I can say for a lot of these shorts.

THE HUMAN NATURE (2010)

Directed by: Tore Frandsen

Two rednecks are out hunting rabbits. They catch one and drive away, but the rabbit somehow escapes the cage. Unfortunately, there’s something hunting humans.

Short and to the point and the creature makeup was amazing. Slimy, creepy and perfect.

NO WAY OUT (2011)

Directed by: Kristoffer Aaron Morgan

I’m not really sure what was going on here. A guy is trapped in what looks like a warehouse outside of a school gym. He’s been attacked by some Lovecraftian nightmare outside. Eventually, he gets trapped and then bashes his own head in to set his brain free.

I guess I get the metaphor, but it didn’t seem to have a lot to do with the grue that accompanied it. It looked great, though!

THANK YOU, JESUS! (2010)

Directed by: Free

Probably the least of the shorts in this program. A couple are out having a picnic when the girl is possessed by an Italian speaking squirrel? She kills the guy, but he’s brought back to life by an oily looking primitive.

I didn’t get it at all. It started over and when it was cut off, someone yelled out, “Thank you, Jesus!” I think we all had the same feelings on this one.

CURTAIN (2011)

Directed by: Dennis Widmyer

Another great one. A guy and his bitchy girlfriend move into a new apartment with some strange rules. Don’t take down the creepy shower curtain with all of the crosses on it. If you do, you might just meet a succubus demon that was exorcised from the apartment.

This, of course, happens.

A lot of fun and some great demon effects. And definitely watch out for Mr. Pokeyman.

A RIVER IN THE WOODS (2011)

Directed by: Christian Sparkes

A group of children living in the woods meet a benevolent monster. When night falls, who knows what might happen?

I do! I do! This short did exactly what I thought it would do, but it was pretty well done. The creature was great and the kids were all very good actors. I wish that it had been less predictable, but that’s ok. Still worth watching.

Of course, the whole time the kids were running around, I could only think, “Fucking hipsters.”

VILE BEAST (2011)

Directed by: William Justin Crooks

This is another one that I just couldn’t really understand. A man and his wife are having a rather emotionless conversation when a strange creature bursts into the house, knocks the man out and starts to try to rape the woman.

The man opens an eye, only to close it again because it’s not his cue yet. Then, he finally gets up and beats the beast away. Then, everything stops so they can pay him.

They start up again and he runs out.

What? No idea. Whatever.

HOW TO RID YOUR LOVER OF A NEGATIVE EMOTION CAUSED BY YOU! (2011)

Directed by: Nadia Litz

A young lady is annoyed with her boyfriend, so she keeps putting him out and performing a mysterious surgery on him. What she’s taking out…well, I’m not really sure. It’s small and it’s black. She does this a couple of times and then decides that it’s just not quite enough.

Blood and gore and relationship therapy. Why not? Not the best of the shorts, but definitely alright.

BEYOND THE BLACK RAINBOW (2011)

**** (4/5)

Directed by: Panos Cosmatos
Written by: Panos Cosmatos

Just a few weeks ago, I saw a movie that I loved more than I ever thought I would. Drive was such a throwback to the crime dramas of the 80s that I just fell in love with the first note of the electronica soundtrack.

Beyond The Black Rainbow is going for the same vibe, just with late 70s and early 80s Canadian sci-fi. It’s slow. It’s cerebral. And it’s all kinds of psychedelic. I don’t know if I really understood it but, MAN, did I like it.

Elena (Eva Allen) has been raised in a white room basically since birth. She is in the middle of some sort of self-help guru’s compound. What he’s helping people with, I’m not really sure, but Dr. Barry Nyle (Michael Rogers) is thoughtful and creepy. He sees Elena only through a glass wall and tells her that she is not allowed to see her father.

Why is he keeping her from her father? Because she is the chosen one. Chosen for what? I don’t really know, but she seems to have some strange powers that aren’t fully explained.

None of this really matters, though. This movie is visually amazing. From the grainy, period film to the crazy sets that consist of white rooms, giant glowing pyramids and the occasional nebulous blob, there wasn’t a moment of the film that I could take my eyes off of. And, like Drive, there are short bursts of ultra-violence. (Not nearly as much or as many as Drive, but close enough for Canadian work.)

I kind of can’t wait to see what peoples’ reactions to this movie are. I also can’t wait to read some interpretations. The dreamlike state of the movie and its audience will make that more interesting than half the films at this Festival.

Also just like Drive, I can’t wait to own the soundtrack. It was all done on period synths and keyboards.

THE LAST SCREENING (2011)

**** (4/5)

Directed by: Laurent Achard
Written by: Laurent Achard, Frédérique Moreau

All Sylvian (Pascal Cervo, who looks like a young Dudley Moore) wants is some good movies to screen, the love of his mother and some more ears for his star wall. Can he help it if the theatre he works at is closing and the girl that he’s falling in love with (Charlotte Van Kemmel in her first role) is getting a bit too close?

Cinema is a passionate thing and Achard’s new film shows just how passionate some people can get about it. Sylvian is crazy, but he loves movies. He’s even charmingly shy, which is why the actress who comes to see the movies starts to fall for him.

The Last Screening is a really good homage to the cinema…especially French cinema, but also Hitchcock of the 60s. The film even sort of looks like a 60s film. See this movie if at all possible.

A LONELY PLACE TO DIE (2011)

**** (4/5)

Directed by: Julian Gilbey
Written by: Julian Gilbey/Will Gilbey

When mountain climbing, never forget your bullet proof bodysuit.

Alison (Melissa George) and her four friends learn this lesson the hard way when they find a little girl in a hole in the ground. When two creepy dude with guns start chasing them, things get bloody real quick.

The action is pretty non-stop and the acting is great throughout this survival flick. Nothing too new, but Melissa George gets her “Get away from her, you bitch” moment and all is good in the world. I completely understand how this has won a few audience awards at other festivals. It’s a LOT of fun and, despite a few leaps of logic (how DOES that fire start?), it keeps its wits about it.

See it. See it often.

By the way, I kind of want to go to the festival with the fire and naked chicks. It’s called the Beltane Fire Festival. Hmmmmm….

** (2/5)

Directed by: Joseph Kahn
Written by: Joseph Kahn/Mark Palermo

I am SO tired of getting suckered into seeing movies with Dane Cook.

This one centers on a high school senior named Riley (Shanely Caswell, who is FAR too pretty to be cast in the role of a plain jane type) who is looked down on by most of the school. She used to be friends with one of the popular girls, Ione (Spencer Locke), until Ione stole the heart (read: libido) of her best friend, Clapton (Josh Hutcherson). Clapton’s obnoxious friend, Sander (Aaron David Johnson) wants Riley, but is too crazy for her.

Oh, and there’s a slasher on the loose from a popular horror franchise called Cinderhella.

And a time-traveling bear.

Imagine all of the parts of slasher and teen flicks being rolled into one big ball of pop-culture reference. Then make then super-kinetic and pretty obnoxious. That will begin to show you the quality of Detention. There are a few clever moments thrown into this 90 minute teen comedy, but they come at the price of half an hour of “Holy shit, what the fuck am I watching?!”

This is the result of someone who thinks that they’re being super clever. And, let me tell you: a little “clever” goes a LOOOOOONG way. The movie never lets up on the “clever” and seriously becomes a “spot the reference” flick. It doesn’t help that just about all of the characters are obnoxious and you just don’t care about any of them. It certainly didn’t help that the movie was trying to be too many things at one time.

Skip it. Those two or three good lines aren’t worth the eye torture.

PAUL

**** (4/5)

Directed by: Greg Mottola
Written by: Simon Pegg/Nick Frost

It’s pretty serendipitous that I saw these two movies tonight. They actually have a lot in common. Imagine all of the sci-fi films that you’ve ever loved being rolled into one big ball of pop-culture reference. Now, imagine that this pop-culture reference was written by someone who truly loved those movies and was smart enough to have a good story to hang them all on.

Now you begin to understand the quality of Paul.

Graeme Willy and Clive Gollings (Simon Pegg and Nick Frost) are a couple of nerds. They have just come to America to hang out at ComicCon and then take a road trip to all of the famous alien sighting sites in the West. (It’s interesting that they would do this anyway, since a “road trip” is such an American idea…they really don’t do that so much in Europe. When in Rome, though…)

Along they way, they meet Paul (voiced by Seth Rogen), a real-life alien. He’s a bit rude, pretty crass and has some amazing healing powers.

Paul is on the run from a government agent named Zoil (Jason Bateman). Zoil will stop at nothing to catch Paul, even if it means getting two rookies to help him (Bill Hader and Joe Lo Truglio).

They also come upon a love-interest for Graeme in the form of Ruth (Kristen Wiig), an uber-Christian daddy’s girl who has to be abducted when she sees Paul.

I kind of loved this movie. It was a little bit slow getting started (although, the story moved pretty quickly), but it eventually became the movie that we wanted it to be, considering the writers and director. Sure, Bateman isn’t as menacing as maybe he should be, but it kinda works.

Paul is a funny, funny movie with more sci-fi references than you can shake a stick at…just like Shaun Of The Dead and Hot Fuzz. It may be the weakest of the three, but even that makes it pretty damn good. And the cameo by the biggest sci-fi director of them all is just icing on the cake. (That was HIS idea, by the way.)

****½ (4.5/5)

Directed by: Jeong-beom Lee
Written by: Jeong-beom Lee

According to Fantastic Fest, Man From Nowhere star Won Bin has been a pretty-boy star in Korea for a while and this is him trying to break away from that. I trust them and all, but he was also in Tae Guk Gi (a gritty war film) and Mother (a crime film by Bong Joon-ho, directory of The Host). I think he’s already broken free from that image.

This time, though, it seems that he is stomping on it until it finally dies. Here, he plays Cha Tae-sik, a pawnshop owner with a mysterious past. When a little neighbor girl and her mom are kidnapped by drug dealers, he goes on a rampage of bloody revenge to find them.

Keep in mind that there’s American bloody (think maybe Payback or Kill Bill) and then there’s Korean bloody. The film notes on the Festival website said that this hearkens back to the 70s grindhouse pictures. Honestly, I don’t even know if some of them were quite as bloody as this. (Especially since they consider the Lee Marvin films an inspiration for this one…his movies weren’t that bloody at all.)

But the blood is nothing. What’s really disturbing is the constant peril that the kids are in. The little girl that he is after is definitely of the “cute as a button” variety, and seeing her in danger of having her organs harvested is not something that we see everyday in America…although, it probably happens.

The story isn’t really anything new. It’s a bloody revenge/”give me back my neighbor little girl” film. Of that genre, though, it’s absolutely one of the best I’ve seen in a long time. I heard a guy on the way out of the theatre saying that, with a little push, it could be the next Taken. I haven’t seen that movie yet, so I can’t say whether it’s better or not. But I have a feeling that American audiences will rebel against this one, not just because it’s subtitled (and, unless it’s about Jesus, subtitles still don’t do so well), but because it’s pretty fuckin’ dark and violent. Most of America won’t be down for it, I don’t think.

If you can stomach it, see it. I recommend it whole-heartedly.

RE-ANIMATOR (1985)

***** (5/5)

Directed by: Stuart Gordon
Written by: Dennis Paoli/William Norris/Stuart Gordon
Based on short story by: HP Lovecraft

The 80s were a pretty amazing time for horror. Somehow it seemed like filmmakers could get away with just about anything. There was blood and boobs all over the screens and hardly anyone was saying shit about it. Some of the strangest horror films every made were released in the 80s. I mean, when else would Basket Case have been released? But Re-Animator really changed it all.

Re-Animator. The grand-daddy of splatter. Without this film, there would be no Evil Dead 2. No Hostel. Hell, probably no Saving Private Ryan. It’s the one that started it all. Anytime you see blood and guts splatter all over the room, you can thank Stuart Gordon and this crazy little movie.

The story, in case you don’t know, is of Herbert West (Jeffery Combs, Gordon’s version of Bruce Campbell…or Robert DeNiro), a young med student who wants to reanimate dead bodies. He worked on it in Switzerland, but was thrown out of the country. Now he’s at Miskitonic University and at it again.

West meets up with Dan Cain (Bruce Abbott), a promising student who is engaged to the daughter of the dean (Barbara Crampton). When he and West start working together, things get a little…crazy.

The importance of this movie can’t be overstated. Sure, it’s no Oscar winner, by any means. But that doesn’t matter. It changed the face of film, for better or worse. (I certainly think for better.) If you are into horror at all (and especially gore), you need to see this. But, then again, if you’re into horror and you’ve never seen this movie…then you’re not into horror.

NEVER LET ME GO (2010)

**½ (2.5/5)

Directed by: Mark Romanek
Written by: Alex Gurland
Based on book by: Kazuo Ishiguro

In an alternate universe, just after WWII biological science took a HUGE leap forward. We were able to extend life expectancy to at least 100 and basically abolish disease.

This was done by cloning people and basically harvesting organs from the clones as they grew up. (An emerging theme for today, eh?) The clones are sequestered at schools around the world. The kids live as orphans at these boarding schools without ever knowing that they are, in fact, clones.

Three of these kids become very close friends, even falling in love. Kathy (Carrie Mulligan) is an extremely caring young lady who falls for Tommy (Andrew Garfield), a volatile young man who doesn’t seem to have the imagination of some of the other kids. When he isn’t picked for sports teams, he tends to go apeshit on the field. Kathy’s best friend, Ruth (Keira Knightly), sees her friend falling for this boy and does what any young bitch in training would do: she kisses Tommy and becomes his girlfriend.

Then they find out what they really are. They do nothing except grow up and have a slightly different outlook on life. That’s fine, but I wish that the rest of the movie had intrigued me as much as this first part. (This part that takes place at the school is acted by three very good young actors: Izzy Meikle-Small, Charlie Rowe and Ella Purnell.)

The kids turn into teenagers (and the actors we know) and the story is only slightly less engaging. Ruth and Tommy are still together and exploring their sexuality. Kathy is still on the sidelines, pining over the boy who may actually still love her.

Then they grow up some more and I lose all interest. The rest of the story is kind of a cold version of three young people at the end of their lives figuring out why they are alive. I really wish that I had cared after they became adults, but they just ceased to be interesting people. The acting was great and the movie looked really good (Romanek and cinematographer Adam Kimmel did a lot of research to make the movie look like an old Japanese film), but I just didn’t care after a certain point.

Think The Island – action + a bit of heart…but not enough to make it really good, only better.

The story, though, says a lot about human nature and what we do with our lives. It makes says a lot about who we are and how we want to live and where we want to go. Unfortunately, the movie didn’t move me. It did, however, make me want to read Ishiguro’s book. He also wrote The Remains Of The Day, which I have always been interested in. Maybe, at some day, I’ll actually pick them up. Until then, we have this movie that…well…is just kind of cold. Re-watch Remains instead.

MACHETE MAIDENS UNLEASHED! (2010)

****½ (4.5/5)

Directed by: Mark Hartley
Written by: Mark Hartley

As he did with Not Quite Hollywood two years ago, Mark Hartley has spot-lighted a little known bit of exploitation film history and made a bunch of film fans want to see these terrible movies.

This time, he put his focus on the films that American exploitation filmmakers made in the Philippines throughout the 70s. Roger Corman was one of the main ones, but he took his entire cadre of proteges over there, including Jack Hill, Joe Dante, John Landis and Francis Ford Coppolla.

From the late 60s through the early 80s, the Philippines were an oasis of cheap filmmaking with very few rules, so Corman could go over there, make a film for $5 and come back to make millions. He could treat his actors like shit and his crew even worse, paying them a couple of bucks a day. If someone broke a leg, they had a few bucks stuffed in their pants and were carted home.

Through interviews with the participants (including a few key Philippin0 filmmakers), Hartley creates a pretty vivid picture of how it was over there. Landis, of course, is the voice of reason and steals the show from everyone else. He has basically no filter and will tell it like it is. Even though he can’t seem to make a film these days, I’ll always love him for his recent interviews.

I know that most of these films are complete shit (Hartley said that really only The Big Bird Cage and two others were any good at all), but I want to see a bunch of them. Thanks, Hartley. Thanks a lot.

Definitely check this movie out if you have any love for exploitation filmmaking. Hell, even if you don’t have any love for it, check it out. You may begin to understand why the rest of us love it so much.

HATCHET II (2010)

**½ (2.5/5)

Directed by: Adam Green
Written by: Adam Green

Victor Crowley (Kane Hodder) is at it again in this sequel to the near-hit from 2006. This time, though…um…well, it’s more of the same. Marybeth (Danielle Harris filling in for Tamara Feldman from the first film) is the sole survivor from the first movie. In fact, this movie takes up exactly where the first one left off…to the second. She’s still fighting with Crowley on the boat after everyone else has been killed.

She’s eventually semi-victorious and is saved by an old man who tells her to go see Reverend Zombie (Tony Todd reprising his role from the first movie). Zombie leads her and a crew of misfits (including Parry Shen playing the twin brother of his character from the first) into the swamps to find Marybeth’s dad and brother’s bodies and to rid the world of Victor Crowley once and for all.

Of course, bloodletting ensues.

Once again, the kills are imaginative, bloody and pretty awesome. (Including one that I FUCKING WROTE ABOUT 5 YEARS AGO!!! Goddammit. Oh well. It’s not like Adam Green read my bit and stole it. Whatever…) Unfortunately, where the first one had a nearly decent script and some alright acting, this one followed the trend of those early 80s slasher sequels: the script was awful and the acting even worse. (Horror writer/director Tom Holland was especially bad.) There were times that it was almost hard to watch because of the terrible acting.

But fans of the genre should still be pretty pleased with the blood and creative kills. As long as you don’t pay any attention to the rest of the stuff going on on the screen, you should be fine. Still pretty fun, but not even as good as the first one. And, while I like the first one, I know that it’s not a particularly great movie.

Watch for lots of cameos by horror stuntmen and writers…not that I knew who any of them were. Unless they’ve been on screen, I don’t necessarily recognize them. Sorry to disappoint, kids.

Oh yeah, and this is an unrated film that’s being released into theatres. Let’s all thank AMC theatres for liking the film enough to actually show the unrated version! I only wish that it was a better film…

This year I actually got to talk to Harry and he was about to tell me WHY I was chosen when he was distracted by a shiny object. DAMMIT!!! I need to know so I’ll know to do it again every year!!

Anyway, whatever the reason, I had my butt in a seat at the Alamo for 26 1/2 hours watching some awesome movies. Here’s how the night went:

We had to start off with the annual torture of one of the Alamo friends. Tim always tells him that he’s going to show Teen Wolf during BNAT and, every year, something “fucks up” and he doesn’t get to show it. This year he had a Dolby “representative” (actually Scott Weinberg in a Dolby shirt) guarantee that the screening would go off without a hitch because of their brand new digital system.

Of course, hitches happen and Scott gave Tim a check for $15,000 “on behalf of Thomas Dolby.”

Many yuks were had by all. Then the movies really started.

FAUST (1926)

***** (5/5)

Directed by: FW Murnau
Written by: Gerhart Hauptmann/Hans Kyser
Based on play by: Johann Wolfgang Goethe

FW Murnau’s Faust has always been pointed to as one of the more amazing achievements in silent cinema. The special effects are still pretty awesome to this day.

If you don’t know the story, you’ve probably been living under a cultural rock, but I’ll explain a little bit here. God and the Devil are hanging out and make a bet. God says that Faust (Gosta Ekman), a genuinely good man, can’t be corrupted. The Devil (Emil Jannings), however, thinks that he can, and he sets out to prove it. He comes to Earth as a man called Mephisto and gives Faust back his youth, helping a beautiful young woman fall in love with him.

Faust shuns him at first, but then decides to allow Mephisto to give him a trial run of a day. When that’s not long enough, Mephisto has him and it’s all over.

In its day, it was one of the biggest spectacles that audiences had ever seen. It’s still pretty spectacular, although it’s easier to see how they did all of it now. And Jannings is perfect as the slimy and underhanded Mephisto. He vamps it up and is generally evil in all the right ways.

The organ accompaniment was pretty perfect, too. I wish I could remember the guy’s name, but it’s been a few days. Anyway, he was great.

If you ever get a chance to see this movie, go. And, in going, be amazed.

THE LOVELY BONES (2009)

****½ (4.5/5)

Directed by: Peter Jackson
Written by: Peter Jackson/Fran Walsh/Philippa Boyens
Based on book by: Alice Sebold

Peter Jackson can probably do no wrong in Hollywood right now. Sure, King Kong didn’t do was well as everyone wanted it to do, but he directed and produced fucking Lord Of The Rings! Give that man anything he wants!

So they did. He wanted to do a small story this time out, so he chose Alice Sebold’s novel about a young girl named Susie (Saoirse Ronan from Atonement) who was killed by a neighbor in the early 70s. She narrates the story from a place called The In Between. Not quite Heaven, but definitely not Hell. More like a fantasy land that is almost like Earth, but much more surreal.

Meanwhile, her family tries to go on. Her dad (Mark Wahlberg) is obesessed with finding her killer. Her mom (Rachel Weisz) can’t seem to move on, but can’t stand what her husband is doing. Her grandmother (Susan Sarandon) is a bit of a drunkard who tells everyone that she’s 35. Her younger sister and brother are doing their best, but it’s hard when their parents can’t seem to cope.

Meanwhile still, the investigation is almost going nowhere under Len Fenerman (Michael Imperioli) doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. The killer (Stanely Tucci) is still at large and still living about 100 feet from Susie’s family.

I gotta tell you, two movies into BNAT this year and I was emotionally drained. The Lovely Bones was something that I usually don’t go in for: a beautiful movie. Not only was the story beautiful (Susie’s journey from needing to have revenge on her killer to just wanting her family to cope), but the In Between was beautiful, too. Surreal, dreamlike and heartwrenching at times.

I loved this movie. It’s long, but I don’t expect much less from Mr. Jackson. He knows exactly what to leave in and wheat to cut out, and he knows how to pull the heartstrings without making us feel like we’ve been duped into crying.

Maybe it’s not the best film out there, but it didn’t matter while I was watching it. And it still doesn’t matter to me. I kinda want to see it again. I don’t necessarily believe in any kind of afterlife, but goddamn, this movie gave me hope for kids who die like Susie.

GIRL CRAZY (1943)

***½ (3.5/5)

Directed by: Norman Taurog/Busby Berkeley
Written by: Fred F. Finklehoffe/Dorothy Kingsley/William Ludwig/Sid Silvers
Based on play by: Guy Bolton/Jack McGowan

After Lovely Bones, we were all pretty much beaten down. As Harry said, though, what better to bring a room back up than a Judy Garland/Mickey Rooney musical?

Well, I can think of a LOT of things, but this’ll do.

Mickey is a rich playboy who is sent out West by his father to learn a lesson in life. Unfortunately for Mickey, the place he’s sent is an all boys school. No girls at all! What’s a girl crazy boy to do?!?!

Well, he doesn’t have to worry too much. This small town has one girl: Judy. And he instantly falls for her, even if she doesn’t fall for him so easily.

Of course, her grandfather is the dean of the school. And, of course, there’s a guy who she’s pretty much paired with. And, of course, hardly any of the other guys like Mickey. And, of course, the school is threatened with closure unless they can come up with money/applicants.

Car wash!!

Ok, no. No car wash. But there is a rodea, which they pronounce like Rodeo Drive in Hollywood, as opposed to an actual rodeo.

Hollywood. Psh.

It’s a pretty fun little flick, but I’m not rushing out to rent the rest of Mickey and Judy’s collaborations. There was, however, a pretty good Busby Berkeley number at the end. Busby was supposed to direct the whole movie, but he was fired after they filmed this one scene. Too bad, because the movie could have used some of Busby’s flair.

Of course, the script did have some gems like “The things you see when you don’t have a gun!” and “Money is just like women and popcorn: The more you get, the more you want.” I still don’t understand the gun line. The fuck was Judy saying?!

THE RED SHOES (1948)

**** (4/5)

Directed by: Michael Powell/Emeric Pressburger
Written by: Emeric Pressburger/Michael Powell/Keith Winter
Based on fairy tale by: Hans Christian Andersen

This is one of those movies that I’ve always heard about, but never seen. It’s a ballet movie and I have very little (if any) interest in ballet. Why would I care?

Well, it turns out that…um…I was right. This was the movie that I had the least fun watching at BNAT this year. But Harry didn’t program it. I’ll get to that later, though.

The Red Shoes is a fairy tale by Hans Christian Andersen about a young dancer who wants to be the best dancer in the world. She buys some shoes from a shoemaker that make her dance perfectly…but then she can’t take them off and she can’t stop dancing.

But that’s not what the movie is about. The movie is about a young woman (Moira Shearer, who was really a ballet dancer) who is chosen to be the lead character in a new ballet based on The Red Shoes written by a young writer (Marius Goring). The two start to fall in love, much to the chagrin of the leader of the dance troupe (Anton Walbrook). He is emotionless and feels that his dancers should be, too.

The movie was really good, but I hated the two men. They were both jackasses. And the girl really wasn’t a whole lot better. Add to that a lot of scenes of ballet (which, I guess, were great) and I was just kind of uninterested.

The best thing about the movie (besides Moira being a beautiful redhead) was seeing how amazing the print was! Martin Scorsese’s film restoration crew have really outdone themselves on this one. It looked like it was made last year. The Technicolor was beautiful and made me miss that process a lot.

I’m glad I saw it, but I probably won’t revisit it.

****½ (4.5/5)

Directed by: Martin Scorsese
Written by: Laeta Kalogridis
Based on book by: Dennis Lehane

Now we get to the guy who actually programmed The Red Shoes. Harry originally wanted to lead in to Shutter Island with Sam Fuller’s asylum masterpiece Shock Corridor. He wasn’t even sure if he would get Shutter Island when he got that print. He had to write a letter to Scorsese to see if he could show it and to explain what BNAT is.

Well, Marty wrote him back saying what an amazing idea BNAT is and how he wished that he could join us. But there’s just one thing: don’t lead in with Shock Corridor. Lead in with The Red Shoes. Here’s a print.

How do you say no?

There is actually a very direct link between the two movies, so I can see it. But I would have rather seen Shock Corridor.

Shutter Island, on the other hand, was pretty great. Teddy Daniels (Leonardo DiCaprio) is a Boston US Marshall in the 50s sent to a local criminal asylum to investigate a missing patient. His new partner, Chuck (Mark Ruffalo), was brought in from Seattle to help Teddy out. Why is it that it almost seems like the missing patient never existed? What is Dr. John Cawley (Ben Kingsley) hiding? Is Dr. Jeremiah Naerhing (Max von Sydow) a Nazi doing crazy experiments? And why can’t Teddy let go of his dead wife (Michelle Williams)?

It took me a little while to really get into this movie, mostly because the editing seems to be really awful in the beginning. Eventually, though, I realized what was going on and it all worked out. The movie is a mind-fuck of the highest order and it made me want to red the Dennis Lehane novel that it was based on in a way that Mystic River did not.

It may not seem like the most Scorsese-iest of movies, but he’s done well again. Keep up the streak, Marty. We like you being back.

LE MAGNIFIQUE (1973)

****½ (4.5/5)

Directed by: Philippe de Broca
Written by: Philippe de Broca/Vittorio Caprioli/Jean-Paul Rappeneau/Francis Veber

I wonder how much John Candy’s Delerious borrowed from this movie.

Bob Sanit-Clair (Jean-Paul Belmondo) is the world’s most famous secret agent. He shoots randomly into trees, hitting hitmen before they even know that they are hitmen. He sees through every disguise. And he always gets the girl (Jacqueline Bisset).

He’s also being written by Francois Merlin (also Belmondo), a writer who just knows that he can do something besides these crappy pulp spy novels. But they make him money to live off of and they’re very easy for him to write.

On the other side of his aparetment building is Christine (Bissett again), the young lady he’s slightly obsessed with. Can he win her over by letting her read his awful books?

The movie is way funnier than it sounds like it should be. It opens with the spy story and looks like the Zuker brothers and Jim Abrahams had decided to make a spy movie. (Oh wait…they did. It was Top Secret. But this is funnier!) It’s full of great slapstick and some awful puns that make you cringe and laugh at the same time. Add to that the Merlin side of the story that makes you feel for this guy and you’ve got a movie that even French haters can love.

Harry has been trying to show this movie for seven years. I’m glad that he finally got to. It was worth the wait.

MICMACS (2009)

***** (5/5)

Directed by: Jean-Pierre Jeunet
Written by: Jean-Pierre Jeunet/Guillaume Laurant

I had no idea that Jean-Pierre Jeunet was even working on a new film, much less that he had one in the can! I would have been MUCH more excited if I had known.

Bazil’s (Dany Boon) dad was killed by a land mine when Bazil was very young. Thirty years later, Dany is shot in the head and survives. The doctors can’t take the bullet out without possibly making Bazil a vegetable.

Eventually Bazil falls in with a group of homeless folks who collect junk and make it into amazing things. He also finds out that the weapons companies that made the land mine and the bullet are right across the street from each other. The rest of the movie is a Rube Goldbergian plot to bring down both companies…and yet so much more.

If you’ve ever loved Jeunet’s films before, you’ll love this one, too. He brings his usual sense of humor and (shudder…I hate this word) whimsy to the screen and makes us fall in love with this ragtag bunch of geniuses, which includes his old standby, Dominique Pinon.

***½ (3.5/5)

Directed by: Adam Green
Written by: Adam Green

Adam Gren has a lot of enemies in the horror world, and I’m not really sure why. Hatchet was a fun flick that didn’t try to be anything more and Spiral, while not brilliant, showed us all that he had some talent for something besides gore.

Now he mixes those two things to bring us something like Open Water on a ski lift. (On the fake lineup that Harry always posts, this slot was filled by Lifeboat. I can see why.)

Three college kids (Emma Bell, Kevin Zegers and Shawn Ashmore) are on a weekend ski trip. It’s Sunday and they want one more time down the mountain. They talk the lift guy into letting them go up one more time, but through a chain of events, they end up stuck on the lift. And the resort doesn’t open again until the next Friday. Now, how do they et down? And are those wolves they’re hearing?

That little premise holds a lot more fear than it seems like it should. Not only is there plenty of suspense, but there’s more emotion than you would think of coming from Adam. The two guys have been best friends since grade school and the girl is dating one of them. You can see where that’s going.

Not an amazing film by any means, but absolutely worth checking out. One of my friends who hates Adam said that this is absolutely his best film. He liked it quite a bit. If that’s not a recommendation, I don’t know what is.

THE CENTIPEDE HORROR (1984)

**½ (2.5/5)

Directed by: Keith Li
Written by: Amy Chan Suet-Ming

Hong Kong isn’t really known for thier horror movies…and there’s kind of a reason for that. Most of them are pretty silly. I mean, Mr. Vampire is a great movie, but it’s silly as hell.

The Centipede Horror really won’t win any converts for HK horror. In fact, it will probably make people run from the genre.

The movie was introduced to us as being horribly vile and banned in many countries. I don’t really understand what the hell Tim and Zack were talking about. Yeah, there were a couple of gross-out moments, but it really wasn’t any worse than most Hollywood movies now. Vomiting centipedes (real ones!) is gross, but it’s not as squirm enducing as they made it out to be.

A couple of young girls go from HK to SE Asia (they talk about it like it’s a country) for a quick vacation. They’ve been warned to never go there, but they go anyway and, of course, one of them DIES!!!! She’s killed by centipedes, which apparently have a bite so strange that no doctor knows what one looks like.

Her brother comes to SE Asia to find out what happened and gets trapped in a plot by an evil wizard who hates the guy’s grandfather. He’s cursing everyone in the man’s family to be killed by centipedes.

What’s really interesting about this movie is how quickly everyone is ready to jump on the “maybe it’s something supernatural” bandwagon. Someone trips and their friend says, “Maybe an evil wizard cursed you!”

It’s a pretty awful movie, but it’s funny in its awfulness. Possibly the worst movie of the day, but it was enough fun that I was able to enjoy it. If you’re a fan of bad, weird Asian cinema, see if you can find it. And watch for the broiled zombie chickens.

THE CANDY SNATCHERS (1973)

** (2/5)

Directed by: Guerdon Trueblood
Written by: Bryan Gindoff

The fake lineup movie for this one was The Lovely Bones. Heh.

Candy (Susan Sennett) is a 16 year old daughter of a jewel store manager. She gets kidnapped by three inept criminals who want a bag full of diamonds from her dad. What they don’t realize is that daddy isn’t too hip to getting Candy back.

I really don’t have a lot to say about this one. It’s an exploitation film that I don’t think made a really big impression on anyone except for the weird relationship that Candy developes with one of the kidnappers. It’s not supposed to be sexual, but it’s still a little bit creepy.

And then there’s the ending with the mute kid and his annoying mom. She’s SUPER-annoying. But her kid isn’t much better, really, and he’s suppoed to be sort of a hero of the movie…kind of.

IRON MAN 2 TRAILER

This was the only clip we had all night! I was a little surprised. It started out as an E! True Hollywood Story style bit about Harry with Jon Favreau, JJ Abrams and Michael Fucking Bay talking about how Harry nearly ruined their careers. Then Jon comes back and introduces the trailer. It looks pretty awesome, although I agree with one reviewer: Mickey Rourke’s Whiplash looks like he’s more of a danger to himself than to Iron Man. We’ll see, though. I’ll be there. You know it.

***** (5/5)

Directed by: Matthew Vaughan
Written by: Matthew Vaughan/Jane Goldman
Based on comic by: Mark Millar

I kind of can’t believe that they allowed a movie to be called Kick-Ass, but that’s really the only way that I could describe the movie, to be perfectly honest.

Dave (Aaron Johnson) is a geek. He’s a little bit obsessed with comic books and spends most of his time with his two buddies at a local coffee shop/comic book store. (Why hasn’t someone opened one of these up in Austin?!)

That’s where he gets the idea. The idea that will change his life forever. How come no one has ever become a superhero? So that’s just what he does. He goes out and buys a wet suit and walks around town until he finds some crime to fight…and gets his ass beat.

Kick-Ass didn’t have a very auspicious beginning, but he soon finds out that there are other people doing it…and they’re much better at it than he is.

Damon Macready (Nicolas Cage and his moustache) is a devoted father to Mindy (Chloe Moretz from (500) Days Of Summer and Hammer’s upcoming remake of Let The Right One In). So devoted, in fact, that he has taught her to kick some major ass…and he helps her steal the movie from everyone else.

Frank D’Amico (Mark Strong from Rocknrolla) is a gangster. He’s also a family man. His son, Chris (Christopher Mintz-Plasse), goes to school with Dave, but he’s never able to make friends with anyone. Too many bodyguards. All he wants to do is fit in at school. And, of course, be just like his dad.

The movie wasn’t quite finished, but DAMN was it good! It never let up! The action only stops long enough to let some more comedy in. And there’s more than enough story and character to go around. It’s surprising to me that this was based on a comic book by the same guy who created Wanted.

I’m not really sure how this movie is going to find an audience, though. It’s a pretty hard R what with all of the violence and cursing being perpetrated by small children. (Mindy says things that would make a grown-ass man blush.) But I really hope that it’s a hit.

Kick-Ass comes out in April with a few CGI tweaks and a slightly different soundtrack. The soundtrack was a major source of consternation amongst the audience. It was fucking perfect the way it was! But Warner Brothers won’t let them use the Batman and Superman themes. That’s really too bad, because they’re used in scenes that are perfect with those themes.

Speaking of the soundtrack, there’s one scene where the audience burst out into applause and then started clapping along to the score. I’ve been to a LOT of movies in my life and that is something that I’ve never witnessed.

Yeah. We all loved this movie. It was my favorite of the day. Go see it in April.

Director Matthew Vaughan was at the screening and talked a bit about the casting process. Apparently, there’s a mother out there who was very upset with the fact that there was a masturbation reference on page three. She thought that it would give her 16 year old son bad ideas. Lady! Your 16 year old son had those ideas at LEAST three years ago! And he’s had those same ideas a LOT! Stop worrying about it!

Before I go, one more plea:

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET MATTHEW VAUGHAN USE THE BATMAN AND SUPERMAN THEMES!!!!

GodDAMN, I can’t wait to see this movie again!

Ok. I’m done. On to the next movie

Visuals: ***** (5/5) Story: ***½ (3.5/5)

Directed by: James Cameron
Written by: James Cameron

I really wish that Harry had ended the day with Kick-Ass, but whatever. The day ended the way it needed to, not the way we wanted it to.

We all know what Avatar is by now: James Cameron’s new half-billion dollar movie about aliens, environmentalism and 3-D.

But we don’t all know what it’s like. I do. I’ll tell you.

Jake Sully (Sam Worthington) is a Marine who is now paralyzed. His twin brother was part of the Avatar project, which allows humans to go out onto a hostile planet without dying from the atmosphere. They are basically able to project their minds into artificial bodies of the local inhabitants. This also means that they can (sort of) blend in with the aliens.

The Marines are there to take a certain element from the planet, no matter what the inhabitants say. The unfortunate thing for all involved is the fact that the biggest deposit is right under the giant tree that the inhabitants live in.

The other unfortunate thing is that Jake is actually a little bit sensitive. While he’s in his brother’s avatar, he falls in love with one of the natives (Zoe Saldana) and decides that they deserve to live their lives the way they want to.

SHOCK!!

The other side of things involves Sigourney Weaver as a scientist who feels the same way as Jake and Giovanni Ribisi as an engineer (maybe?) who thinks that these “savages” need to get the hell out of the way of Earthling’s progress.

It’s Dances With Ferngully! Add in some comments about how “we ARE the terrorists” and you’ve got a modern fable about America and how selfish we are.

I dunno. The movie is decent as far as the story is concerned. Nothing special, though.

No one cares about the story, though. Not really. They’re going for the spectacle. And that spectacle is fucking amazing! The CGI is nearly perfect. (Still a bit cartoony for my taste, but that’s to be expected…kinda.) The 3-D is amazing. The world that Cameron and his crew created is beautiful. It’s absolutely worth seeing on the big screen in 3-D. Probably even on the IMAX.

I just really wish that he had attached a better story to those visuals.

Well, maybe next time…ten years from now.

That’s it from BNAT! It was actually a pretty amazing day. Harry fully admits that the last couple of years have been a little bit on the lame side. Not terrible at all, but not really want BNAT is all about. He’s remembered now and, hopefully, his mojo is back. We’ll see next year.

See you in the theatre. I’ll be right behind you.

DRAWN AND QUARTERED

ALMA (2008)

Directed by: Rodrigo Blaas
Written by: Rodrigo Blaas

A little girl sees herself in a toy shop. How did that doll get there? And why can’t she get to it? And…why is it there in the first place? A pretty dark little short that never wears out its welcome. Nothing new, really, but still pretty good.

THE BLACK DOG’S PROGRESS (2009)

Directed by: Stephen Irwin
Written by: Stephen Irwin

I had no clue what was going on with this short until well into it’s 3 minute run. Finally I saw a spotlight on the bits we were supposed to be paying attention to. A little dog is born, given to a little boy and dies all in the space of a bunch of flip books that repeat. The problem, kinda, is that they’re all onscreen at the same time. It helps to add to the tension and dread, but it’s also pretty confusing. And it’s dark as hell. Not for the faint of heart.

CABARET KADNE (2009)

Directed by: Marc Riba/Anna Solanas
Written by: Marc Riba/Anna Solanas

I’m still not sure how I felt about this film. It’s about a cabaret where the performers are towards the end of their lives. A little sad and pathetic until the final reveal. Then it just becomes sad. Not bad.

CONSOUL (2009)

Directed by: Lasse Gjertsen
Written by: Lasse Gjertsen

Ever feel like you’re in a Nintendo game? Like, the classic system? Well, Lasse Gjertsen decided to show us what it would be like to live in an old school game…and it’s pretty hilarious. Maybe a little bit overlong at 12 minutes, but still kinda awesome.

CONTROLMASTER (2009)

Directed by: Run Wrake
Written by: Run Wrake

A woman has a powerful device that makes her grow to enormous sizes to defeat monsters. But when an evil doctor gets a hold of it and turns her into a dog, how will the town survive? Pretty good visuals (all taken from comic books).

GIT GOB (2009)

Directed by: Philip Eddols
Written by: Philip Eddols

The two stupidest people in the world find a hole in the ground…or is it a hat? Two minutes of stupidity that’s pretty funny.

I AM SO PROUD OF YOU (2009)

Directed by: Don Hertzfeldt
Written by: Don Hartzfeldt

Don Hertzfeldt’s second part of Everything Will Be OK is just as good. Gotta love this guy. 22 minutes and it never lets up with the funny. Little Don is pretty pathetic, but his life and the lives of his ancestors are hilarious.

KABOOM (2005)

Directed by: PES
Written by: PES

One minute of explosions animated with ordinary objects. Nothing to it, but it’s at least kind of interesting and very short.

LILI (2008)

Directed by: Riho Unt
Written by: Riho Unt

A soldier dies and a girl cries…and rats have a party. Why were the rats German? I dunno, but it was a pretty interesting short.

LUNEVILLE (2009)

Directed by: Sebastien Petit
Written by: Sebastien Petit

My least favorite of the shorts because it was too long for its own good. It almost a remake of Melies’ A Trip To The Moon, but it’s not as interesting. If it had been made in 1902, it probably would have been better.

MELTDOWN (2009)

Directed by: David Green
Written by: David Green

David Cross voices a sandwich who is trying to save the other residents of the fridge from certain freezer burn. Funny stuff with some great voice acting.

PIGEON IMPOSSIBLE (2009)

Directed by: Lucas Martell
Written by: Lucas Martell
Based on play by: Johann Wolfgang Goethe

A secret agent is trying to transport a special weapon, but a pigeon keeps hindering him. This hometown crew tries hard to do a Pixar-like short and doesn’t quite make it, but it’s a pretty damn good try.

THE TERRIBLE THING OF ALPHA-9! (2009)

Directed by: Jake Armstrong
Written by: Jake Armstrong

A really funny short about a monster on an alien planet that has killed everyone who has tried to to fight it. But is it as vicious as everyone thinks it is?

VAMPIRE GIRL VS. FRANKENSTEIN GIRL

**** (4/5)

Directed by: Yoshihiro Nishimura/Naoyuki Tomomatsu
Written by: Naoyuki Tomomatsu
Based on manga by: Shungiku Uchida

Director Yoshi Nishimura (Tokyo Gore Police) is back with another Troma style gore-fest. This time, though, he seems to have a bit more of a story this time.

Two high school girls are vying for the attention of one boy. One girl, Monami, is a vampire. The other, Keiko, has an evil scientist for a father. Monami makes Mizushima into half a vampire. Will he choose her? Hopefully he doesn’t choose Keiko, ‘cause she’s pretty much a complete bitch.

Lots and lots of blood and lots of social commentary in the background. I think Nishimura and his co-director, Naoyuki Tomomatsu, have obviously watched Citizen Toxie over and over again.

More fun than a box of organs. I kinda loved it. I don’t think it’s quite as good as Machine Girl, but still great.

ANTICHRIST

*½ (1.5/5)

Directed by: Lars von Trier
Written by: Lars von Trier

Lars Von Trier is a great filmmaker. Unfortunately, he’s prone to bouts of pretension. This film is one of the latter, I’m afraid.

Willem Defoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg are a couple who have lost a child and there’s no getting around the fact that it’s their fault. The first scene is of them having some pretty hardcore sex while the kid decides to take a dive out the window…complete with opera music and full penetration shot.

The rest of the film is Willem trying to psychoanalyze his wife’s grief pattern. He takes her out of therapy and takes her off of the medication they gave her. Instead, he takes her to their cabin in the woods (which she says that she is more afraid of than almost anything else) and gives her therapy…which includes copious amounts of unerotic sex.

And then things get REALLY dark. We’re talkin’ “genital trauma” dark.

A lot of people have been talking about the Jungian ramifications of the film, and that may be true. But that doesn’t make it a good film. It makes it a truly obscure film that only psychology majors will fully understand. I, on the other hand, was left with a feeling of, “Wuh?!?!”

I really felt like Von Trier was trying to give me a lesson in how evil a couple can be to each other, but I’ve seen War Of The Roses. It was actually enjoyable. This, on the other hand, was pretty boring with the occasional pretty/disturbing shot. Unless you just want to see a shot of Willem Defoe’s ass going up and down against a tree with lots of arms reaching out of it, you will probably want to avoid this one.

VIRTUAL DATING (2009)

Directed by: Katia Olivier
Written by: Katia Olivier

I’m not entirely sure why this was attached to K-20, but it was. So, there you are.

A young lady goes to a sex shop for just the right sex toy. She’s a little embarrassed to be there…ok, a LOT embarrassed. She finally finds one. It’s a robot lover. And maybe it’s the answer to her wishes.

The short starts off pretty funny. (“If you wish me to touch your hand, Press 1. If you wish me to touch your cheek, Press 2.”) Eventually, though, things get pretty dark and you start to wonder if you wandered into the wrong short. If it had ended darkly, I think people would have thrown things at the screen. As it was, it was kind of cool even with all of the changes in mood.

K-20: THE FIEND WITH 20 FACES (2009)

**** (4/5)

Directed by: Shimako Sato
Written by: Shimako Sato
Based on book by: So Kitamura

I know it’s probably not cool to like cheesy superhero movies anymore, but I don’t really care. K-20 is a superhero origin story that I can get behind.

Heikichi Endo (Takeshi Kaneshiro) is a lowly circus performer in a world where WWII never happened. The rich are very rich and the poor are VERY poor. There is no changing occupation and no falling in love. It’s just not allowed.

Oh, and all of the signs are in Germen for some reason. That’s never really explained.

When a stranger comes to hire Heikichi to take some pictures of a wedding, his life changes forever. He is mistaken for the super-thief, K-20. Now, to clear his name, he has to become a thief himself.

Yeah, it’s been done before, but a lot has been done before. This is a really fun combination of Batman and Darkman that deserves an audience on all sides of the Pacific. It has maybe a few too many scenes in it (some reiterate what we’ve already heard), but it didn’t break the pace too badly.

My only real complaint is the very last scene. It’s a bit TOO close to cheese. But, whatever. The movie was a LOT of fun. Check it out. I can’t wait for K-20 2…or would it be K-21?

CROPSEY

**** (4/5)

Directed by: Barbara Brancaccio/Joshua Zeman
Written by: Joshua Zeman

From the late 60s until the mid-80s, about half a dozen kids were kidnapped from Staten Island. The body of one was found, the others have never been seen again. Was it the work of Cropsey, the urban legend monster who lurks in the shadows of Staten Island? Or was it a former employee of the local abandoned mental hospital?

Directors Barbara Brancaccio and Joshua Zeman grew up on Staten Island and remember hearing the legend of Cropsey. When they started putting things together, though, they realized that Cropsey was real. That’s what spurred this though provoking and frightening documentary. A scarier movie I probably won’t see at Fantastic Fest this year.

The only problem I have with it is that I’m pretty sure some of it was done purely for effect. Why on EARTH would these people go into an abandoned mental hospital where they think children had been taken to be murdered AT FUCKING NIGHT?!?! No way in hell would you catch me there at night. It would probably be hard enough to get me there in the daytime, but night is an absolute no-go.

Otherwise, a very good doc that stayed with me all day long.

YATTERMAN (2009)

***** (5/5)

Directed by: Takashi Miike
Written by: Masashi Sogo
Based on tv series created by: Tatsuo Yoshida

Takashi Miike is not known for making children’s movies. In fact, he’s not known for making films that any child should ever see, no matter how well adjusted. Can you imagine what a kid would think about darts being shot out of a stripper’s vagina? Or a woman lactating all over her family?

But Miike has to do something different with almost every one of the 7 movies he makes ever year, so he decided to go for a kiddie movie…kinda.

Yatterman was an anime series made in the 70s that was, apparently, very popular in Japan. So much so that Miike wanted to remake it in his own weird way.

The story centers on Gan (Sho Sakurai) and Ai (Saki Fukuda), two superheroes who are constantly battling the Doronbo gang, led by Doronjo (Kyoko Fukada). They are after the pieces of a skull sculpture that will lead to some sort of power when it is put together.

Yatterman #1 and #2 (as Gan and Ai are known when they are in their superhero mode) have help on their missions from their mechanical friends, Yatterwoof (a giant dog shaped robot who gets destroyed every chance he gets) and Botty (a tiny robot that runs on AAA batteries).

This is just about as silly as it gets. The Yattermen are completely insane and do little dances all the time. But the movie calls attention to their weirdness. In fact, the girl who comes to them for help at one point looks at the camera and says, “They’re crazy!”

Basically, this is a live action anime. There’s no way around that. Miike didn’t change anything just because it would look silly in live action. It’s all here. And all of that makes for a very strange, but pretty fun couple of hours. If you’re up for that sort of thing, check it out. If not, then stay far, far away.

Another word of warning: The Japanese apparently have a really warped view of what a kid’s movie is. There’s some pretty crazy shit going on in this movie that is probably not so much what you want your kids to see. The least of which is a guy “accidentally” grabbing some boobs. Whatever. That’s a judgment call. I think it’s probably alright, but some parents would run screaming.

The one that really got me was the scene with two robots fucking. Uh…yeah. And one of them says “I’m coming!” Uh…double yeah. What the fuck?! I know the Japanese have a pretty weird relationship with sex (tentacle porn, anyone?), but seriously? Get the kids started early, huh?

One side note: the movie was about half an hour late because they had just gotten the HD video of it in not long before it was supposed to play. They popped it in and realized that there were no subtitles. They tried to get a translator who was at the festival to come in and translate the whole film live. Screw that!

Just to show how resourceful these guys are, they ended up finding a DVD copy of the movie, shrinking the size of the video projection and playing just the bottom section of the DVD under the video image so that we could have subtitles. It made for a pretty fucking surreal experience, but it worked surprisingly well! Good on you, Alamo staff!

SURVIVAL OF THE DEAD

***½ (3.5/5)

Directed by: George A Romero
Written by: George A Romero

As we all know, George A Romero is a god among men. He basically created the modern horror film with Night Of The Living Dead and just made it better with Dawn Of The Dead.

A couple of years ago, he created a new world for his zombies with Diary Of The Dead. Now he’s taking one of the minor characters from that film (the military guy who robs the filmmakers) and follows him for the rest of his journey through The Dead.

What we end up with is not quite as good as Diary, but it’s better than Land Of The Dead. It’s more jokey than the other films, but is still definitely a Romero zombie film.

James O’Flynn (Julian Richings) and Seamus Muldoon (Richard Fitzpatrick) have been feuding all their lives. Their little island off the coast of Delaware has been stuck in the middle of that feud since it started. Now there are zombies around and things have only gotten worse. James realizes that the zombies need to be put down, but Seamus thinks that they can be rehabilitated. He wants to keep them with him.

Meanwhile, Crockett (Alan Van Sprang) and his crew are trying to find a safe place. They pick up a kid (Devon Bostick) who heard about the island. Let’s head there!

Things just go downhill from there.

Like I said, not the greatest movie, but it is fun and it’s a freakin’ Romero zombie movie. What’s not to like?! The zombies are still being used as a catalyst for showing us human behavior, and that’s what these movies are for. The humans are worse than the zombies.

George did an intro before the movie and said that he has two more zombie movies planned for this world, following two more characters from Diary. I’m for that, even if they’re not as good as the originals. They’re still better than most zombie flicks out there.

****½ (4.5/5)

Directed by: Ben Affleck
Written by: Ben Affleck/Aaron Stockard
Based on book by: Dennis Lehane

And the depressing movies just keep on comin’.

But here are a few previews to make you happy first.

THE BUCKET LIST–You know, I’m totally ready for Rob Reiner to make another good movie. It’s been since 1995 or 6 that he’s done good (American President or Ghosts Of Mississippi depending on your tastes) and he’s due now. This one is about Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson getting old together and doing everything they wanted to do before they died. And, of course, they’re (I think) terminally ill. I can’t wait to see these guys together. It’s gotta be pure cool…with a tear shed here and there.

LOVE IN THE TIME OF CHOLERA–Apparently, this isn’t nearly as depressing as it sounds. Two people (Javier Bardem and Giovanna Mezzogiorno) fall in love and then spend the next 54 years trying to find each other and be able to actually BE in love. Kind of a Serendipity for the art house set. Looks like it could be good. And with Mike Newell at the helm…well, it could go either way. Anybody see Mona Lisa Smile?

MARGOT AT THE WEDDING–Another movie I missed at Telluride, but I heard it was pretty good. Nicole Kidman, Jack Black and Jennifer Jason Leigh star in a family comedy/drama from Noah Baumbach, the newly crowned king of the genre. (After The Squid And The Whale, who could refute that?) I’m all for it. Apparently, the movie was originally titled Nicole In The Country. They changed it so people didn’t think it was a documentary…or something.

VANTAGE POINT–Every preview I see for this actually makes me want to see it more, as a good preview should do. There are more details in this one and it actually makes the president (William Hurt) look less like a bad guy and more like a guy who is caught up in more than he bargained for. I’m there.

Now, how ’bout helpin’ some kidnapped fuckin’ kids?

You see, Bahstin is a tough fuckin’ place. You don’t grow up there, you survive. Yeah, it’s gotten a lot better, but it’s still rough around the edges. Especially in the South. If you’re a Southie, you got a hard row to fuckin’ hoe.

And that’s where this movie takes place. Helene McCready (Amy Ryan) is a shitty mom. A guy in town calls her a coke-ho. Her sister-in-law, Bea (Amy Madigan), calls her a cunt. It doesn’t get much worse than that. When her little girl is kidnapped she almost doesn’t even notice.

But Bea does and she calls on private investigators Patrick and Angie (Casey Affleck and Michelle Monaghan) to “help” the police. Of course, the cops aren’t too pleased with that. Jack Doyle (Morgan Freeman), who heads up the missing children department, lost a child himself and takes it personally when one goes missing. He has no intentions of letting these two “kids” take over his investigation.

Things change a little when Patrick and Angie start to get some leads that the cops never would have gotten. That’s when Detective Remy Bressant (Ed Harris) takes notice and starts to take them seriously.

Things heat up. Things get personal for Patrick and Angie. And things don’t go as planned. But at least Helene is starting to notice that her daughter is gone…and she starts to care.

It’s pretty amazing when a movie like this comes together. Everything is kind of working against it. You have an actor that no one really likes anymore taking the screenwriting and directing role (Ben Affleck) and hands over the acting job to his little brother, who people are kind of indifferent to.

Not after this. I think that if people see this movie (which it seems that some people are seeing it…it’s No. 6 at the box office) they will start to realize that Casey is a really good actor and Ben is actually a much better writer/director than he is an actor. (And let’s not call him a first-time director. He has apparently directed two other movies that have just never been released. Maybe this movie will change that, too.)

I can’t tell you how great this movie is. Casey is such a bad-ass in it. Not like a “beat people up” type of bad-ass, but a “stand up for his girl and stare dangerous people down” bad-ass. (I especially love the scene with him and Cheese (Edi Gathegi). Fucking amazing.) And he pulls it off beautifully. There’s no way you would look at this guy and think that he could stare a drug-dealer down. In fact, he and Angie get some shit for being “high and mighty” around the other people around their neighborhood. They all grew up together, but the two of them got out and made something of themselves. So they must be assholes.

Amy Ryan is also very good. She’s such a terrible person, but there’s a lot of humanity in there, too.

And she’s the character that brings up the main issue of this movie: Who is to decide what is right? Is planting evidence ok if it’s to get a child out of a bad home? Whose choice is it to take these kids out of homes like this? And how far is too far?

This one is up there with Reservation Road for “kids’ issues” movies this year. Watching both of them as a double feature would probably be too much to take.

And I see awards being thrown around for both of them. Good job, Ben. I hope this does something for you.

SXSW is run and attended by film geeks. We love film, but in a really fun way. Sure, it’s art, but we like the trashy stuff, too. You know, the Tromas, the Fulcis, sometimes even the Bays.

On the other hand, TFF is run and attended by film elitists. They look down their noses at Lloyd Kaufman because he just makes stuff to shock his audiences. They honor people like Arrabal and Angelopoulos. Personally, I had never heard of Arrabal and the only reason I had ever heard of Angelopoulos was because I worked at an Evil Empire Video when his film with Harvey Keitel came out. (Ulysses’ Gaze, in case you’re keeping score.) It’s definitely for the more high-brow filmgoer.

Both approaches work for me. I try to be somewhere in the middle, but I lean a little more towards geekdom. I actually love being a part of two such different festivals, but I’m kind of glad that the one in my hometown is closer to my heart. That way I can learn about the more obscure and artsy directors when I go to Telluride, but I can feel like I know what I’m talking about when I’m at home. Home field advantage, ya know?

Not only did I have that revelation, but I also experienced some of the strangest weather that the festival has ever seen. Usually it’s either cold or hot all weekend. This time, though, it was hot on Friday and turned butt-ass cold on Saturday. In fact, not only was it cold on Saturday, but it rained, it sleeted, it snowed, it groppelled and it snained. I’m not exactly sure what those last two are, either, but I’m told that they happened. It was so cold, in fact, that Ken Burns bought hot drinks for his fans waiting for his film, Unforgivable Blackness. The rain helped the dried up Bridal Veil Falls flow again.

Then, just as suddenly as it got cold, it got hot again. Sunday and Monday were beautiful with fairly cold nights. The snow-peaked mountains started melting. The people who thought that they would need to wear sweaters and jackets stripped. The theatres were cooled off again.

And, speaking of theatres, this was the last year for The Max, the Egyptian themed theatre built inside the high school gym. It’s the theatre that I have worked for the past four years, so it’s a little sad to see it go. But next year we won’t have to build a theatre out of nothing. The high school has a brand new fine arts center (partially donated by the festival so that they can use it) that will be set up with Dolby Digital Surround Sound and a big-ass screen. It’s a nice theatre space and I can’t wait to see if they come up with some kind of theme for us to play with.

The theme this year was (un)officially salaciousness and taboo. Old films such as the scandalous for 1933 Ecstasy (featuring a nude Hedy Lamarr, known at the time as Hedwig Kiesler) and new films like Pedro Almodovar’s Bad Education about priests, kids and cross-dressers held up the theme, but, alas, I didn’t get to see either of those films.

Instead, I saw films that held a secondary theme: kids in trouble. (Bad Education follows that theme, too.) Whether it’s sexual trouble or life and death trouble (or sometimes both), there seemed to be kids in all kinds of peril at this festival. Let’s start with the best of these films.

NOBODY KNOWS (2004)

***** (5/5)

Directed by: Hirokazu Koreeda
Written by: Hirokazu Koreeda

Japanese filmmaker Hirokazu Koreeda (After Life, Distance and Maborosi) brings the true life tale of four kids in modern Tokyo whose flighty, but loving mother (You…that’s her name, not a pronoun) leaves them alone for months at a time while she goes off to find the perfect husband. While she’s with them she treats them more as siblings than as her children. Perhaps that’s because each one is from a different father and she just can’t seem to latch onto any of them.

She leaves them some money, but it’s really not enough to keep them for as long as she leaves them. As rent and bills come due the kids start to have to survive by other means. The oldest, 12 year old Akira (Cannes Best Actor winner, Yuya Yagira) has to take over as the father figure for his brother and two sisters. He makes friends with some of the people at the local market and hides the fact that his mother has left them from most of the folks in the neighborhood.

And, just to add to the difficulties, the landlord doesn’t know that there is more than one kid in the apartment. Yuki, Kyoko and Shigeru all have to hide the fact that they even exist.

At two and a half hours, this was the longest film that I saw at this year’s festival, but there was not a wasted moment in all of that running time. The story could have been told in half the time, but it would not have been as rich. We would not have cared as much about these kids. When tragedy comes (as it always must in these stories) it hits us hard and fast because of the time we have spent growing up with the kids.

All of the performances were very good, but 14 year old Yuya deserved his award at Cannes. His portrayal of Akira was sad, but hopeful, just like the film that he’s in. He showed subtlety that most kids wouldn’t know what to do with.

And the final frame reminded me of the final freeze of The 400 Blows. The film is sad and depressing, but there’s an edge of hope that let’s us know that those of us who make it through this kind of life will eventually be alright.

I have only heard of Koreeda’s other films, but I can’t wait to check them out now. This was his dream project and the one that he is the most proud of. He read the story of the kids about 15 years ago and immediately wrote the screenplay loosely based on it. Finally, after financial backers leaving him and studios deciding not to do it, he has been able to bring his vision to the screen. And he does it in a way that is universal. Tokyo is not that different from any city in America. Kids are kids and tragedy is tragedy. When the two meet, we can all relate. I’ve seen a lot of films about kids left alone by their parents (Soderberg’s King Of The Hill, The Cement Garden, etc.), but this is probably the best of the lot. In fact, I think this is the best film I saw at this year’s festival.

WASP (2003)

Directed by: Andrea Arnold
Written by: Andrea Arnold

On a similar note, this short is about a young mother of three little girls and baby boy on the poor side of London. She loves her kids, but she also resents them for taking away her youth. She wants to go out and date, but that’s hard for a single mom. When she meets up with an old crush from school she takes desperate measures to hang out with him at a bar. While she’s inside with the guy (whom she told that the kids were a friend’s) her kids are outside the bar eating their dinner of potato chips and a soda.

Then the title is literalized maybe a bit too much.

(I don’t care if it’s not a word. I like it. Shut up.)

A good short, but it beats its point home with a sledgehammer. The ending is open ended and hopeful…perhaps too hopeful. If this were a true story, it would be pretty bleak. Director Andrea Arnold knows how to make us sympathize with everyone involved, though. Zoe may be a bad mother, but you can almost understand her actions. How hard must it be to be so young and have so many kids? Yes, you have a responsibility to raise these kids and keep them from danger, but there are so many other issues and feelings tugging you in so many different ways at that age.

Now, on to a completely different kind of peril for kids.

PALINDROMES (2004)

*** (3/5)

Directed by: Todd Solondz
Written by: Todd Solondz

In the world of Todd Solondz, kids are never safe. Whether they’re being threatened with rape and ridiculed (Welcome To The Dollhouse), or actually molested (Happiness), they are always victims.

Aviva is one of the biggest victims of Solondz oeuvre. She is a 13 year old girl whose cousin has just died. She doesn’t want to end up like her cousin, but some of her family members see her as just another statistic. Why we’re not really sure, but they see some of the dead girl in this younger girl. Her mother (Ellen Barkin) is a loving woman who doesn’t always know the right things to say. (“Maybe if she had cleaned her face a little more then she would have been happier and more loved.”)

This is when Aviva decides that she wants a child of her own. She has sex with the neighbor boy and gets her wish. Unfortunately her parents have other ideas. They take her straight to the abortion doctor who accidentally takes away her ability to ever have children.

Aviva doesn’t know this, though. She runs away and starts to have sex with who ever will have such a young girl. She sees nothing wrong with her new found love for a trucker who gave her a ride and a quickie. When he leaves her she is devastated.

This is when she meets Mama Sunshine and her crew of young misfits who have found God. They are all perfectly happy with their particular disfiguring disabilities because of their personal relationship with their God. Unfortunately, Mama’s husband and Dr. Dan (Richard Riehle) take their religion a bit too seriously.

Just in case you missed the fact that this could happen to any girl in the world, Solondz pulls a Bunuel and has Aviva played by many different little girls and grown women. That makes the proceedings even creepier.

Aviva is a typical child hero of Solondz’ work. She is quiet, shy and painfully introverted. She almost can’t speak to anyone. Of course, all of the actresses play her slightly differently (the first girl plays her as the opposite of everyone else, actually), but most of them have the same horribly shy demeanor.

For you Dollhouse fans out there, Mark Wiener (Matthew Faber) shows up as Aviva’s neighbor who has been accused of being a child molester.

I kind of liked this movie just because it was so weird and I’m a Solondz fan. Does that make it good? Well, not really. It was very exploitative (all of the kids at the Christian Camp had something physically or mentally wrong with them (like his version of Freaks) and the big, black girl who plays Aviva throughout this sequence is constantly shown in tiny clothes just to show how fat she is) and it didn’t really seem to know what its point was. Was it anti-abortion or anti-zealot? Maybe it was trying to show both sides, but they were both kind of shown as being completely ridiculous. The post-9/11 statement was interesting, but seemed a little forced.

And what was up with Jennifer Jason Leigh showing up for one scene? Did she show up saying, “Todd! I want to be in your movie! What can I play?!”

This is certainly Solondz’ weakest film, but for his fans it’s probably worth it. It’s an interesting experiment that didn’t really work the way it should have.

Now let’s move on to the biggest film of the festival and one that almost had a common theme. At least, some characters thought that it did.

FINDING NEVERLAND (2004)

****½ (4.5/5)

Directed by: Marc Forster
Written by: David Magee
Based on play by: Allan Knee

JM Barrie (Johnny Depp) is a playwright who is in trouble. He can’t seem to write another hit. His latest is a resounding flop and his producer, Charles Frohman (Dustin Hoffman), is wondering where his money is going. He has faith in James, but things are starting to look dim.

His home life is no better. Barrie’s wife, Mary (Radha Mitchell), is losing interest in her husband. She sees him less and less and is just unhappy in general, especially since he doesn’t seem to have any interest in becoming part of “society.” He is a childlike man who has no time for trivial things like dinner parties and manners.

That’s when he meets his new muses. Sylvia Llewelyn Davies (Kate Winslet) and her four boys run into James while he is playing with his dog at the park. He instantly falls in love with the family and starts to spend a lot of time with them teaching them and learning from them. The second youngest, Peter (future Charlie Bucket to Johnny’s Willy Wonka, Freddie Highmore), is that saddest of creatures, a child who has lost his imagination. Ever since his father died, he hasn’t been able to be a kid. When James is dancing with his pet bear, all Peter sees is the big sheepdog.

But a strange thing starts to happen. As James spends more and more time with Sylvia and her family (and more time away from his wife), Peter and James both start to learn how to use their imaginations. Peter learns that he might be able to be a kid after all and James starts to write his greatest creation, Peter Pan. Charles thinks he is insane, but history tells us differently.

Of course, tragedy must strike every uplifting story like this, and it does in the form of tuberculosis. But Kate looks great even if she’s sick.

As manipulative and Hollywood as this movie was, it was actually probably the second best film that I saw at the festival. It was involving right from the start. The acting was great (people are talking about an Oscar for Johnny). It was sad, charming, heartbreaking, funny, magical and full of the hope that sometimes only children can see. The scene where James sees that the oldest boy has grown up right before his eyes is so touching that it makes you forget that growing up is supposed to be a good thing in our world.

Director Marc Forster (Monster’s Ball) switches from James’ Neverland and his real world in a way that is disorienting in a really cool way. At one point the kids and James are playing Cowboys And Indians. Every shot changes between the two worlds. It’s a great scene that keeps you wondering exactly where you are.

If you like Johnny Depp or the story of Peter Pan, you need to check this movie out. Even if you just like movies about plays, this is a very good one.

VIVA LA MUERTE (1971)

*** (3/5)

Directed by: Fernando Arrabal
Written by: Fernando Arrabal/Claudine Lagrive
Based on book by: Fernando Arrabal

Viva La Muerte puts its young protagonist in a completely different kind of peril. Young Fando (Mahdi Chaouch) is without a father (he was killed by the national army), has a pretty strange mother that he has an even stranger relationship with and his country is being ruled over by Fascists. Every once in a while he dreams of what he would rather be doing, whether it be figuring out how his father died or rubbing mud all over his mother and licking it off.

Obviously, this is a surrealist’s look at Fascism. Many of the images in the film are meant to be a child’s view of what was going on in Franco’s Spain. It’s all an homage to Bunuel and Fellini, but director Fernando Arrabal forgot one thing: those guys knew how to keep it interesting. Arrabal let his vision get a bit out of hand and it went on and on and on……and on.

His point is obvious. Religion is sometimes used for evil and Fascism is bad. Fando’s mother is very much against fighting the system. She just wants to go along with whatever is going on and sometimes gets a little too into it, like when she cuts off the balls of a cow towards the end. (No fake cows here. Those are real yarbles. Pretty twisted.) She is the non-fighter of the country. Go with the flow and let them do what they want. She’s just as bad as the Fascists.

Speaking of balls, check out the scene where the priests balls are cut off and fed to him. Funniest line of the whole movie: “Oh, mi cajones. Thanks you, O Lord, for this wonderful treat.”

Um. Yeah. I’ll take your word for that one.

That is one lesson that Arrabal didn’t forget when he was learning from the Surrealist Masters: comedy. Early surrealism was meant to make people laugh and think. Un Chien Andalou was meant to be a sensationalist piece of film, but it was also made to make us laugh occasionally. The surrealists had senses of humor and it always showed in their films.

And this is something that was lost on Peter Sellars, the man who introduced the film. He gave us probably the most pretentious intro. of the festival. It was full of pregnant pauses and deifying of Arrabal (who was in the audience). To him, even the early surrealist filmmakers and artists were trying to convey deep meanings. “Surrealism was never surreal. It was real.” Yeah. That’s why Bunuel and Dali always said that there was no meaning for Un Chien Andalou. They purposefully rejected anything that made any kind of sense. Later surrealists may have had more meaning, but the early guys were just going for dreams. If meaning came out of it, great. That’s your interpretation and they can laugh at it if they want to. (And they often did.)

If you’re a fan of Bunuel or Jodorosky (El Topo, Santa Sangre), check this one out. It drags, but it’s definitely an interesting cinematic experience.

Let’s move on to a younger kid in trouble.

UP AND DOWN (2004)

**** (4/5)

Directed by: Jan Hrebejk
Written by: Jan Hrebejk/Petr Jarchovský

(I can’t find any information about this movie online and it was a sneak preview, so there’s nothing in the festival program. Sorry if my details are a little slim.)

This Czech Republic film starts off with two truck drivers having a typical truck driver conversation. Well, typical for modern movies, anyway.

After they make it through the customs agents at the border, they pull over and let the contraband people out of their trailer. Unfortunately, one of them gets left behind. A little baby boy is still in the trailer and the drivers decide to sell him to a black market adoption agency.

This is where a young couple that can’t have kids picks him up. And this starts a chain of events that involves thieves, an upper class family and their children and racism in the newly Democratic Czech Republic.

I had no clue what to expect from the film since no one knew anything about it, but it ended up being completely different even from what I wasn’t expecting. The first scene made it seem like it would be some kind of heist film involving two guys stuck with a baby. Then it ended up being a dark comedy. Then it was a social drama. And all of the films worked really well. The pace was slow, but it needed to be so that we could pick up all of the intricacies of the plot and message.

The characters were well drawn and didn’t always end up where you wanted them to end up. And the theme even changed mid-way. Racism didn’t show it’s ugly head until a little after the mid-point, but it ended up being the central theme of the film.

If you get a chance, check this one out. It may be hard to find, though, until it comes out on DVD.

Now for a child who is working through her peril through film.

PROSHANIE

Directed by: Mariya Saakyan
Written by: Mariya Saakyan

This short film was considered by some to be the best film of the festival. It’s a 27-minute homage to Andrei Tarkovsky that is about the death of filmmaker Maria Saakyan’s father and the life that came before it. There is almost no dialogue (and no subtitles for the little dialogue that there is) and a collection of images that is sometimes beautiful and other times ponderous.

I like Tarkovsky. His imagery is always interesting, even when the camera sits on it for 5 or 10 minutes. He constructed stories with pictures more than with words and evoked a feeling with these images and stories that was above anything that could actually be put on the screen.

Saakyan tries SO hard to do this, but she is not Tarkovsky. She’s just a fan who wants to emulate her hero. Like Gus Van Sant before her, she wants to be the man (but she doesn’t remake one of his films into oblivion). Also like Van Sant, she ultimately fails to achieve what Tarkovsky could do. In fact, her short felt longer than any of his 4 hour epics.

Some kids may be in trouble, but they may not actually exist.

KEANE (2004)

****½ (4.5/5)

Directed by: Lodge Kerrigan
Written by: Lodge Kerrigan

William Keane (Damian Lewis from Band Of Brothers and Dreamcatcher) starts off as a jittery, possibly insane man. He talks to himself as he roams the streets looking for clues about the location of his daughter and her kidnappers. She was abducted from the train station as he turned his back on her and now his life is shattered. This is all he does all day. He has no job. He has no family. He self-medicates with booze and cocaine. He just walks the Earth looking for his daughter.

Keane is so crazy, in fact, that we start to doubt the fact that his daughter ever actually existed. He’s a heartbreaking figure, but what if his broken mind just made the whole thing up?

Director/writer Lodge Kerrigan (Clean, Shaven and Claire Dolan) has, along with Lewis, created a character that actually gets creepier as he starts acting more normal. After meeting a beautiful little girl (Abigail Breslin from Signs) and her mother (Amy Ryan from “The Wire” and You Can Count On Me), Keane starts to calm down a bit. But then things might be going off the deep end for him. Lewis is amazing in a role that keeps him on screen the entire length of the film. He keeps you on the edge of your seat waiting for tragedy to befall someone and always looks like he’s ready to lash out at the smallest little thing.

I’ve never seen either of Kerrigan’s other films, but I’m seeking them out.

Here’s a movie about something that even kids should know about.

KINSEY (2004)

****½ (4.5/5)

Directed by: Bill Condon
Written by: Bill Condon

Alfred Kinsey (Liam Neeson) may have been repressed by an overly religious father (John Lithgow), but as he grew up he started to realize that sex was something that everyone did and everyone should know something about. That’s why, in 1948, he published Sexual Behavior In The Human Male. It caused a huge controversy, but it was also a best-seller and was the first real scientific book treating sex like the everyday act that it is.

But first, Al was an introvert. He wasn’t exactly sure how to act around people, so he kept to himself. He was great with his students, but didn’t know any of them too well. That all changed with Clara (Laura Linney—recipient of a Silver Medallion at the festival this year). She changed his life and, eventually, decided to marry him.

That’s when his sex life started. The two of them were very open about their sex life and they felt that everyone should follow suit. Why not? We all do it.

As Alfred and Clara get deeper into the research (both with each other and with just talking to other people) they gather a close group of confidants that start as assistants and end up, sometimes, as lovers. Peter Sarsgaard is the most trusted of the group and becomes a lover of both Alfred and Clara. Chris O’Donnell and Timothy Hutton are his other two assistants.

Kinsey, directed by Bill Condon (Gods And Monsters), is a pretty typical Hollywood biopic, but it’s a very good one. It was compelling from frame one and never stopped being interesting. And, because of it’s subject matter, it’s a very important film.

In fact, it’s so important that it was surrounded by security. Why, you might ask? So did we. Someone in line at my theatre said that she had heard that it was because it was being released after the elections. Why, again? Because it’s too politically explosive. Why is sex political? Because our current administration is afraid of it. If it’s not missionary with the lights off, then it’s deviant. And for a film to show someone back in the conservative 40’s who realized that perverse acts weren’t as perverse as we all thought at the time would make their entire sexual infrastructure crumble. They would suddenly realize that about 75% of all people are at least partially homosexual. They would start to see that just about everybody has performed some form of oral sex. And they would find out that everyone masturbates.

This information actually kind of pisses me off. How could a studio force a producer/director to hold their film’s release until after an election? How dare they? This is a very important film that could open the eyes of a lot of people. And now, instead of allowing the people who see it to be informed, they hold it back to where it can’t do any “damage.” And, besides, this film is not a political statement! It’s not like Fahrenheit 9/11. It’s something that states facts about a man’s life. It’s about a man who finally figured out that our culture is based around hiding sex instead of embracing it and he was sick of it. He believed that sex was good, fun and necessary. It’s something that married and unmarried couples do. He also found out that marriage DOES matter. So does love. Once you’re married, that’s it. Your spouse is your partner. How is this a political statement!?

Kinsey said something that stuck with me: “In a more enlightened country, every 12 year old would know what I now have to teach you.” This is a sad comment. Sex should be talked about in an open manner. Yes, you can keep your privacy. You don’t have to tell all of your gory details to everyone. But don’t be ashamed of them, either. And certainly don’t berate someone else for having different details. Or even similar ones.

How about some films about people acting like children?

BEING JULIA (2004)

***½ (3.5/5)

Directed by: István Szabó
Written by: Ronald Harwood
Based on book by: W Somerset Maugham

Julia (Annette Bening) is one of the biggest stage actresses of her time (30s London). And, boy does she ever act like it. She’s kind of a bitch, actually. Her agent/husband (Jeremy Irons) loves her, but they don’t have a true marriage. They love who they love and they don’t really care otherwise. In fact, Julia cares so little that her feelings have pretty much died. She’s just a sarcastic bitch who seems to not have much love for anyone.

Until, of course, she meets Tom (Shaun Evans), a younger man from America who seems to not have anything except for great admiration for Julia and her talents. She soon begins an affair with the kid that causes her to feel love for the first time in years.

But is Tom everything he’s cracked up to be? Or is he just fishing for money to pay off his debts? And who is this new actress (Lucy Punch) that everyone is pushing to the fore-front?

Based on the book by W. Somerset Maugham called Theatre, this is a great story of rising fame and fading fire. Like All About Eve it shows how the theatre world can be backstabbing while it’s smiling in your face. The end is hilarious.

But the movie itself almost collapses on its own wit. It’s almost hard to tell that it’s a comedy because it’s so dry. The acting is amazing all around and very subtle, but I don’t think the movie is going to play too well to a general audience. Definitely worth seeing for Annette and Jeremy fans. Especially for that ending.

AALTRA (2004)

*½ (1.5/5)

Directed by: Gustave de Kervern/Benoît Delépine
Written by: Gustave de Kervern/Benoît Delépine

And speaking of endings, that was about the only good thing about this movie. When one of the actor/director/writers said, “The first 6/4s of the movie are incredibly boring, but that last two minutes are amazing.” I thought he was kidding. Unfortunately, he wasn’t.

The movie from Belgium is about two men (stand up comics Benoit Delepine and Gustave de Kervern) who hate each other. When they cause an accident that makes them both paralyzed from the waist down, they are for some reason forced to hang out together all the time. Why? I have no idea. I would think that they would want to get away from each other. But there they are, wheeling themselves around together.

That’s the whole fucking plot! It’s a movie that really tried to be offensive in the Farrelly sense, but ended up being offensive in a cinematic sense. Boring with a capital BOR.

The one bright spot was a hilarious karaoke scene with a guy singing the old Bobby Hebb song, “Sunny.” But he’s not just singing it. He’s mangling it in ways that only a non-English speaker could do. Oh, he’s singing in English, but he’s singing English words that ALMOST sound like the real lyrics. (“Sunny, once and two. I luff you.”) It’s awesome.

And, just like that, it’s over. Then we go back to five or ten more minutes of these two assholes having what I have a hard time calling adventures. They’re just too boring.

Skip this one unless you can fast forward to that one scene.

And, of course, don’t pay for it at all. I don’t want to encourage these guys to make another “film.”

KONTROLL (2003)

***½ (3.5/5)

Directed by: Nimród Antal
Written by: Nimród Antal/Jim Adler

Kontroll is about a different kind of asshole. In Eastern Europe they don’t run the subway system like we do. It’s mostly on the honor system. But if you get caught by the ticket inspectors, be prepared to possibly be physically thrown off of the train.

Everyone hates these guys. Even children spit on them. Basically, they are the losers of society who have no other place to go for a job. So they go to the lowest place in the country to find employment in what is basically a night world all the time.

Bulcsu (Sandar Csanyi) is the leader of one group of these inspectors. He doesn’t have a life above ground. In fact, he sleeps in the underground tunnels. But when a mysterious man starts running around and pushing people in front of the trains, things really heat up for Bulcsu and his crew. Is one of them doing it? Or is it their rival group who is responsible?

The Budapest Underground is a really cool world to set a film in. It’s cavernous in an almost beautiful way. These guys live down here where there is no sun and basically no happiness. The only joy they get is when they get to kick someone off of a train. And then they feel like kings.

And now, ever since Trainspotting, young directors have been trying to create a kinetic world for their characters to live in. No better world for these characters to be kinetic (and yet still completely stationary) than the Underground tunnels.

This is Nimrod Antal’s first film and it’s pretty impressive for that fact. It’s not a great film, by any means, but it’s certainly interesting and worth seeking out. The murder mystery almost bogs the whole thing down, though. I would rather just spend time getting to know these guys than have some weird-ass outside force take over all the time. And it kind of drags at times. Bulscu runs a lot. And he gets beat up. A whole lot. He’s bloody for most of the movie. Wouldn’t he wash up at some point?

The end, though, is completely up for interpretation. I must have heard at least three different versions of it. I don’t want to give away too much, but the fate of Bulscu is up in the air.

Check it out if it comes to a theatre anywhere near you. And then tell me what you think of the ending. And if you can find the soundtrack, let me know, too. It’s pretty awesome.

BAOBER IN LOVE

**½ (2.5/5)

Directed by: Shaohong Li
Written by: Yao Wang/Zhong Zheng

This was the last Asian film I saw and it’s the weirdest movie that I saw at the festival. (Even weirder than Viva La Muerte.)

Baober (Zhou Xun) is a young girl who has no real ties to the real world. She lives the way she wants to and takes nothing for granted except for sanity. When she finds a videotape of Liu Zhi (Huang Juc) she realizes that she has to save this guy from his loveless marriage. In the video he complains about his sex life and the things that his wife takes for granted about him and Beijing in general. She takes the tape to the wife and, in effect, ends their marriage. And, of course, Liu falls in love with Baober.

At least, that’s what I got out of the movie. Like Kontroll, it has a very kinetic pace that makes it a little bit difficult to keep up with. (Of course, my lack of sleep didn’t help that at all, either. That’s the problem with festivals—too much time NOT sleeping.) And, once the two fall in love, there’s not really very much going on anymore. That leaves about an hour of film, though. So I just sat back and enjoyed the surrealism (pretty over the top for a Mainland film) and pretty images while I drifted off for lack of storyline.

Zhou Xun was pretty interesting, too. At times she acted like she was in a horror movie. It was a very cool performance. Too bad the movie wasn’t interesting enough to really keep up with her.

The movie was controversial in China for its frank sexuality. Are they even more repressed than we are? I saw more frankness in The Road To El Dorado. Sure, he talks about masturbation and he and Baober have sex, but it’s not very graphic.

The soundtrack is cool and the images are cool. That’s really about it. And what was up with that ultra-dark ending?

Supposedly there was a message about new and old Beijing hidden in the film somewhere. I’m not sure that I got it. There certainly was a lot of construction going on, so I saw it there. But was she supposed to be New Beijing shaking up the world of Old Beijing (him and his wife)? I dunno. I’ll let the scholars talk about that one.

In the meantime, let’s move on to the last Asian film and the one that was the most fun.

THE HOUSE OF FLYING DAGGERS (2004)

**** (4/5)

Directed by: Yimou Zhang
Written by: Yimou Zhang/Feng Li/Bin Wang

From Zhang Yimou, director of Hero and Raise The Red Lantern, comes another period action film that shows that the Asian dramatic directors should cross over as much as possible.

This time out he tells the story of two policemen and the girl who comes between them. Mei (Zhang Ziyi, who was in attendance at later screenings…DAMMIT!!! I missed her!!) is a blind prostitute, but she’s also the daughter of the slain leader of the titular revolutionary group. Leo (Andy Lau) goes under cover to get her to take him to their lair. Jin (Takeshi Kaneshiro) keeps popping up to almost blow Leo’s cover, but he may have ulterior motives.

Like Hero, the visuals are stunning in this film. Director of photography Xiaoding Zhao has an amazing career ahead of him.

The plot isn’t the most intricate, but it’s one that has been ingrained into the Chinese consciousness for so long that it is almost sacred. It’s like Romeo And Juliet. We play with that plot all the time and call it new every time we do it.

I know a lot of people still don’t understand how these people are supposed to be flying through the trees and walking on water. Those people need to understand, martial arts is not really a fighting technique or even a way to protect people. It’s really a sacred discipline. A spiritual endeavor. A way to be closer to your own personal “supreme being.” These kinds of films express that idea better than any other film. They show how these people are so nimble, balanced and disciplined that they can stand on top of a bamboo tree. Sure, it’s not realistic, but it makes sense. I love Jackie and Jet, but these films are for the die-hard martial arts film fans. And what’s so awesome is that they are becoming mainstream. Hero was number one for two weeks. It took this kind of serious martial arts film to put Jet Li in the top spot.

I really liked this movie a lot. It’s not as good as Hero, but it’s still very good and very, very beautiful. I’m sure all of the colors meant something (green is betrayal and orange is love? Maybe?). And when the whole world turns to winter at the end, you can feel the coldness that these two men feel for each other.

Originally there was a part for Anita Mui. When she died, Yimou rewrote the film out of respect for her.

Go see this one after you see Hero. It’s opening at the end of the year.

Thus endeth another year at the Telluride Film Festival. Not a standout year, but not a horrible year, either. Until next time, make more black movies.

This page is dedicated to the memory of TFF Staff Member Tim Gillespie. He was a great musician, teacher and an all around great guy. We missed you, Tim.

I don’t know. I had fun at the festival, but it seems to be kind of coming apart at the seams. After 13 years, you would think that there would be some sort of organization going on. Maybe they can get it together soon. We’ll see.

And I really wish that they would stop being such big rivals of SXSW. There’s room in this town for both of them. It helps that they’re at completely different times of year and focus on different aspects of film.

But, before we close this festival out, they left me with one really awesome, rawkin’ movie:

TENACIOUS D IN “THE PICK OF DESTINY”

After seeing previews for this one, I was a little worried. They just looked lame. I think I laughed once during the preview I saw and it wasn’t a very hearty laugh.

I’m so glad that I was proven wrong!

Jack Black and Kyle Gass have been rockin’ the stage for about 15 years now as Tenacious D. But how did they find each other? How did such musical genius get together to make such amazing and life-changing music?

This is their story.

It opens with just about the funniest scene of the entire festival with a young JB (Troy Gentile who also played the same role in Nacho Libre) singing at his Christian family (including Meat Loaf as his dad–perfect!) about the glories of fuckin’ rocknroll! When he goes up to his room, Meat follows him and sings right back at him about the evils of rock.

And the movie is pure awesome from there. In their search for The Pick Of Destiny (a piece of Satan’s tooth that a wizard fashioned into a lute pick for a blacksmith who saves his life), JB and KG run across a lot of different characters played by, of course, members of their inner circle. Ben Stiller, Tim Robbins (who’s fuckin’ awesome!), Amy Poehler…all of them pretty funny. Watch for Colin Hanks, David Koechner, David Krumholtz and Jason Segel (from “Freaks And Geeks”) somewhere in here, too. I didn’t see them, but they’re in the credits, so they must be there somewhere.

All of my friends agrees that, while this was no Citizen Kane, it was a whole lot of fun and showed us the RAWK is for fuckin’ awesome people who can do cock push-ups…like Ronnie James Dio.

MATANDO CABOS

Instead of ending on that note, my friend and I decided that we had to see one more movie before it was all over. Matando Cabos was that movie…mainly because we couldn’t make it to the IMAX in time for Nightmare Detectives.

Cabos (Pedro Armendariz, Jr.) is a mob boss in Mexico. When he catches his daughter (the beautiful Ana Claudia Talancon from the not so beautiful Sueno) fucking one of his lower level employees, Jaque (Tony Dalton who looks like a really, really young Willem Dafoe), he goes ballistic, falls on a golf ball and knocks himself unconscious. Jaque and his buddy Mudo (Kristoff) “kidnap” Cabos in order to take care of him and apologize for what happened. They don’t want to hurt him, but they don’t want him hurting them, either.

Botcha (Raul Mendez) on the other hand, wants to hurt Cabos. He hates him for the way he treated his father, an old childhood friend who is now Cabos’ janitor. He and Nico (Gustavo Sanchez Parra) kidnap Cabos for ransom. What they don’t know is that they’ve accidentally kidnapped Botcha’s dad who stole the unconscious man’s clothes and was about to steal his car.

The two kidnappings intertwine for the next hour and a half while the audience is left wondering which movie director Alejandro Lozana and writers Dalton and Kristoff are going to ape next or which direction they’re going to go next. This movie is a pastiche of other gangster movies like Lock, Stock And Two Smoking Barrels and Pulp Fiction. It starts off with one style (they cut away occasionally to give the back stories of characters) and then goes to a different, more mundane style. And there’s a song that Jaque sings to his girl to win her back, but it’s really silly compared to the rest of the film.

There were some good things about it, though. I kind of like the annoying bird across the hall and the ex-Mexican wrestler (Joaquin Cosio) and his creepy-funny bodyguard (Silverio Palacios). And, in fact, it was a decent movie. I just kind of felt like I had seen it all before, and not too long ago.

It turns out that he should be on medication. He stopped taking it and went a little, well, funny…in the head.

For those of us who are tired of the Stockholm Syndrome, this is not the movie we want to see. Unless it’s incredibly well written (like Samurai X: Trust/Betrayal), there’s just no reason to believe that someone will fall in love with their captor. Especially when he ties her up, nearly rapes her and keeps her in the house with two vicious dogs.

When the tables get turned, things just get worse for the movie. She tortures him for a bit, then shaves him. Then we’re supposed to believe that she falls in love with him just because she sees how young he really is under the big, bushy beard. At least, that’s what I got out of it.

So, not a good one to start the day off with. But things got better.

A SCANNER DARKLY

This is definitely one of those movies that I need to see again. I was so tired, and the pacing was so weird, that I kept nodding off every five minutes or so.

But don’t let that be a review. I actually liked the movie.

It’s based on the Philip K. Dick novel about a guy named Bob Arctor (Keanu Reeves). He is a drug addict, but he’s also working with the cops to try to stop a seller. He lives with Barris (Robert Downey, Jr.) and Luckman (Woody Harrelson), two druggies who are being investigated. His girlfriend, Donna (Winona Ryder), is possibly also being investigated. Of course, so is Bob.

The movie is set seven years in the future and there’s a new technology that helps the cops go undercover. They’re suits that scramble their identities. It turns the wearer into an indistinguishable blob.

So, how do you do that in a movie? Well, make it animated, of course. Richard Linklater decided to use the same roto-scoping technology he used on Waking Life, but it looks even better this time. And it really gives the movie a dream-like quality that Dick would probably actually be happy with since it’s inspired by his own drug addiction. Then again, he was never happy with much, so probably not.

The performances are great (even Keanu is…passable) and the script is funny and confusing sometimes at the same time. I’m sure that the next time I see it (in it’s fully completed form…there were some music cues that needed to be finished and some of the animation needed some cleaning up), I’ll love it.

ANIMATED SHORTS

This year’s crop of animated shorts was almost unimpressive. There were a lot of more or less experimental films this time, which I’m not usually all into.

There’s also the obligatory big budget studio short. This year it was right up front. “First Flight” is Dreamworks’ submission. It’s about a businessman who teaches a little baby bird how to fly. It’s sweet, sappy and pretty funny. Not great, but it’s worth seeing.

“Vaudeville,” “Chronicles Of A Professional Eulogist,” “Octave,” “Mural” and “The Heart Collector” are all pretty much just people with big ideas putting them into tiny movies. The animation is good in each case and, if you’re into that sort of thing, they’re kind of cool. But I won’t be searching them out to see again.

“Stalk” was a really bizarre and creepy short about a bunny that has a secret admirer. And it’s a really weird one, at that. All of the characters kind of look like that “We like the moon”/”Quizno’s” thing with the real eyes and mouth edited onto an animated character. A cool short with a really weird story.

“Playtime” was cool mainly because it had a bunch of old toys animated to a good beat.

“Tall Tales & Other Big Lies” was a funny story of a guy getting humped by a dog at a music festival.

“The Wraith Of Cobble Hill” was a cool claymation short about a boy in Brooklyn who is trusted with the keys to the store next door.

“I Am (Not) Van Gogh” is an experimental short (sort of) that combines live-action and animation. The voice-over made it memorable because the filmmaker was trying to get funding for the film we were watching.

“Filmstrip” is a really funny, well, filmstrip about a girl who is just trying to find love, but finds more than she ever wanted.

“Pilgrims_Progess” was a hilarious early computer game that suddenly went all political on us.

The best short was “The Zit,” a pretty simple story of a boy, a girl and a zit that held more than the boy ever thought it would. Good animation and a few gross-out moments make for one of the best shorts I’ve seen at the festival this year.

WIDE AWAKE

Ever wonder why you can’t sleep? So did Alan Berliner (director of Nobody’s Business and The Sweetest Sound). So he went to a few doctors and talked to his parents about why he’s an insomniac. He hasn’t slept will his whole life and, now that he has a family, he wants to cure himself.

Luckily, Alan has hours and hours of footage to cut into his documentary. Not just family movies, but stock footage, movie scenes, early film sequences, newsreels, found footage…the man is a packrat of media. It’s pretty amazing, actually.

Wide Awake really makes you think about sleep and what it means to our bodies. It makes you want to figure out why you can’t sleep and where your habits came from. It also makes you really tired. Not in a “I’m so bored” way, but it’s just kind of an exhausting film. Alan is so tired all the time that it kind of wears you out to spend an hour and a half with him talking about sleep. But that’s sort of what he was going for.

This is a great movie. Anyone who has ever had a sleepless night should see it. It’ll help. Trust me.

Cecil B. Demented (Stephen Dorff from Backbeat (awesome movie) and Blade) is the leader of a terrorist film crew that includes lead actress Cherish who used to do porn (Alicia Witt from Citizen Ruth and Urban Legend…but don’t blame her for that one), leading man Lyle who is addicted to every drug under the sun (Adrian Grenier from The Adventures Of Sebastian Cole and Drive Me Crazy…but don’t blame him for that one), Raven who worships Satan but is really a sweet girl (Maggie Gyllenhaal from Homegrown and Waterland) and a whole host of other freaks. Each of them have tattoos of their favorite renegade filmmaker’s names somewhere on their body from Sam Peckinpah to Kenneth Anger to Spike Lee.

Meanwhile, in a ritzy hotel, Honey Whitlock (Melanie Griffith) is bitching out her personal assistant (Ricki Lake in her fourth role for Waters). Honey is what we in Film School Land like to call a Total Bitch. She’s pretty much pure evil. Kind of how we all wish that Julia Roberts was. (Why does she have to be so nice? It makes it so hard to hate her.)

Luckily her new film is premiering in Baltimore (only because it’s Waters’ hometown–no films besides his actually premiere there). That gives Cecil and his crew a chance to teach her a lesson.

The Sprocket Holes take over the Senator Theatre, start shooting and take Honey hostage in the name of Sinema. Soon thereafter they force her to be in her movie. Then, befitting any movie with Patty Hearst in a bit part, she starts to get involved with her captors and takes up their cause. Now she’s wanted by more than just her adoring fans.

This is actually a pretty funny movie. Lots of in-jokes for us movie buffs. The idea wasn’t bad, either. Real independents beat up and maim filmmakers/goers because they make expensive, bad movies.

The problems start when you really think about it. First off, this is a John Waters film. Now, if John had made this movie back in his Divine days it would have been totally appropriate. Now, though, he’s been making mainstream studio movies since Hairspray back in 1988. (Some would even go back to Polyester, but any film shot in Oderama can’t be too mainstream.) Granted, his movies certainly aren’t “the norm,” but he’s financed by the same big studios that he’s defacing here.

Typically I would think that this was totally cool and subversive. Just look at my review of South Park. Great movie and completely subversive in its attack of the studio system and the MPAA.

The problem here is that we don’t really know who the good guys are. Are we supposed to root for the guys who are killing people because they watch bad movies? Sure, I’d love to kill some of these guys who MAKE the bad movies, Michael Bay and Renny Harlin being first on my list. (Greg Araki would be first, but he doesn’t spend any money on his and he’s the kind of asshole that Cecil would love.) But can we really blame the public who has been brainwashed into spending $7.50 to spend an evening with Keanu Reeves?

And are we supposed to empathize with these guys? I really didn’t like any of them except Raven and she was a Satanist. (Of course, then there was Cherish, but only because Alicia Witt is hot.) The rest of them were just angry young idiots who were brainwashed by Cecil…and he’s one of the biggest assholes to make a presence in recent film. I even started to find new reasons to hate Honey.

And then there were long stretches of the film that only seemed to be there in order to show how much John knows about film. Cecil will start to name drop Preminger or Fassbinder and then we can just stop listening.

Basically this film is all bite, but no real brains. Remember, John, we have to care about somebody. Even in Pink Flamingos we wanted Divine and her family to win the “Filthiest Family Alive” title. Here I was just wanting Raven to cap Cecil.

All in all, it’s worth a look if you’re a Waters fan. It’s not that it’s a bad movie, it just doesn’t live up to the potential of what Waters could have done with this story.

And I could be totally off base here. My roommate thought it was great. I just thought it was another example of Waters’ fall from grace. I liked his last two films better.