This year kicked of with a video sent from Harry’s buddy, Quint, over in New Zealand. Quint’s been on the set of The Hobbit for the last few months and has been reporting on the filming of the future masterpieces. He did some behind the scene intros for the video and it was all a lot of fun. Then Peter Jackson called Gandalf (Ian McKellen) over because Quint was feeling pretty awful for not being at his best friend’s birthday party. Gandalf did a little hocus pocus and, after some in theatre explosions, Quint was in the audience! Gandalf leaned in to the camera and told us that he had secretly stashed a copy of the trailer in Quint’s bag just before he sent him.

WE GET TO SEE A TRAILER!?!?!

Well, first, Quint had to find a trailer bearer. You see, you don’t just walk into the Alamo projection room. A few people stood up, but it was Elijah Wood who stood up and yelled, “I will take it!” and ran up to Quint.

Wow. We’re all such freakin’ geeks, because this was awesome.

Well, they couldn’t get the trailer to work, so we had to go into the first film, but we did eventually see the trailer…three times in a row. I can’t tell you anything specific about it, but godDAMN, it looks amazing. I am hardly going to be able to wait until next December to see this movie.

The first movie that we saw was one that Harry introduced by saying that we had all probably just paid to see it very recently. He didn’t care, though, because it’s his birthday and he doesn’t care if it was just released a couple of weeks ago. The movie was pretty much about him and, as soon as he programmed it, all the rest of the programming just fell into place. Luckily, Hugo is probably my favorite movie this year.

Watching it a second time, I really noticed all of the more subtle film images throughout the entire movie. All of the clock faces and gears look like film reels and many of them make the noise of a film projector. Hugo runs around the clockworks, looking out of all of the windows as if he’s watching movies about all of the people who work at the train station. He’s a voyeur just like we all are when we watch movies.

I love this movie and it’s at least as good on a second viewing. It also helped to introduce what ended up being an underlying theme of the festival and, really, all movies: unexpected adventure.

Next up was a movie that plays a big role in Hugo.

A TRIP TO THE MOON (1902)

***** (5/5)

Directed by: Georges Méliès
Written by: Georges Méliès

Georges Melies was THE early visionary of film. Before Melies, film was a sideshow technology. Even the Lumiere Brothers had no idea that film would be a truly big deal. Melies figured out that you could actually tell a story with film.

A Trip To The Moon is Melies’ most famous film and deservedly so. It tells a simple story of a group of scientists (or wizards, depending on how you take the long beards and hats that they wear) who figure out how to go to the moon. They all climb aboard their rocket, hit the man in the moon in the eye, fight some mooninites, bring one back to Earth and are heroes. End story.

While the story was huge for its time, the sets are what amazes now. It’s all stage sets, but they still look better than a lot of CGI sets made today. Because of his background as a magician, he was the first filmmakers to use special effects on screen. His use of jump cuts to make people and objects appear, disappear and change instantly was an accidental invention, but he used it all the time to amaze his audiences.

If you have any interest in film history, A Trip To The Moon is absolutely essential to your film viewing. If you like sci-fi films, this was the first. It’s beautiful to see on the big screen. I wish it had been a tinted version (hand-tinted, of course), but it’s still a great film that should be seen by anyone with the slightest interest in film.

JUST IMAGINE (1930)

** (2/5)

Directed by: David Butler
Written by: Buddy G. DeSylva/Lew Brown/Ray Henderson

In 1930, Hollywood was looking for something new to put on the screen. Movies had just started talking fairly recently, so what could they do with this new version of the media?

Well, a sci-fi musical, of course!

That’s right, kids. This is not only Hollywood’s first sci-fi film, but it’s the first sci-fi musical!

Let’s not take that as a great thing just yet.

Basically a remake of A Trip To The Moon, Just Imagine takes place in 1980, a time far too distant for citizens of 1930 to even dream about. Cars have been replaced by airplanes, marriages have to be approved by the state (weird…we’re pretty much just starting that now), everyone has a number instead of a name and there are no people with pigment in their skin.

In other words, it’s a Republican dream!

LN-18 (a pre-Tarzan Maureen O’Sullivan) and J-21 (John Garrick) are in love. Unfortunately, another man has asked for permission to marry LN-18 and he is above J-21 on the pecking order. This, of course, means that he gets first priority. Unless, of course, J-21 can distinguish himself in the his field: aviation.

What’s a boy to do when everything’s already been done in aviation?

Luckily, esteemed scientist X-10 (Wilfred Lucas) wants to send J-21 to Mars. If he succeeds, he’ll be able to marry LN-18 and everything will be hunky dory. This can only happen, though, if he survives the trip.

Along for the fun are his best friend RT-42 (Frank Albertson) and Single-0 (El Brendel). Single-0 is a man who was somehow frozen in 1930 and is thawed out. He’s all about comic relief and has almost no bearing on the story. He just runs around with a Swedish accent (“What about yustice?!”) and does some vaguely funny Harpo Marx routines. El was a comedian at the time and this was his schtick on vaudeville. He’s kinda funny, but nothing to write home about.

Really, there’s not much to write home about for any of this movie. The sets are pretty amazing and the effects are nice. (A couple of the uncredited effects guys would go on to break down barriers with King Kong a few years later.) But that’s really it. The story is silly, the acting is stiff and the songs are kind of awful.

This isn’t an easy film to see. Amazon is out of stock and the ones that are for sale by other sellers are $999.99. Trust me. It’s not worth all that. If you really want to see the sets, check out a serial from the same time period. A lot of them were reused for…well, I can’t actually remember the serial. Apparently, it’s awesome, though. Too bad.

If you do see it, check out the strangest song of the entire movie where RT-42 and his wife sing about how they no longer kill flies because that fly might be in love with another fly. Then they save a pair of flies just so they can force them upon each other.

Um…what?

Also, there’s a jab at Henry Ford’s antisemitism. THAT is some funny stuff.

Next up was a different kind of adventure.

TINKER TAILOR SOLDIER SPY (2011)

**** (4/5)

Directed by: Tomas Alfredson
Written by: Bridget O’Connor/Peter Straughan
Based on book by: John le Carre

John le Carre is one of the preeminent Cold War spy novels. With books like The Spy Who Came In From The Cold (1962) and The Looking Glass War (1965), he basically invented the cerebral, inward-looking spy novel. His books aren’t about globe hopping and lady laying. His are about the inner struggles of being a spy and the inner workings of MI6 and the Circus, the upper echelon of British spies.

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (1974) is one of his best loved novels with his most well known creation, George Smiley. Smiley is a man whose entire life revolves around the Circus. Although he’s married, his wife is barely a character in the story…or his life, for that matter.

In the beginning of the film, Smiley (Gary Oldman) is in the middle of a forced retirement. His former boss, Control (John Hurt), calls him back into duty to find out who the mole is among his co-workers. They all seem to have different views from Control, but one of them is feeding information back to the Soviets. Who could it be? When Control dies, Smiley is basically on his own to save his country.

There’s the entire plot. Just a few lines. But, while the movie is VERY good, it’s also incredibly hard to follow at times. In fact, in my already tired state at this point in the day, I was pretty much lost by the time I got my burger. (In fact, that might have been what totally distracted me from what was truly going on. Don’t eat while watching this movie. You’ll get lost and never find your way again.) With all of the names, double-crosses and characters, it was nearly impossible to truly figure out.

This, of course, does not make this a bad film. The plot is kind of a McGuffin. We don’t necessarily care who the mole is. What we care about is seeing Smiley go through the motions of finding the mole. We care about the toll that it takes on Smiley. We care about seeing all of these characters interact together.

It also helps that Gary Oldman is at the top of his game here. Smiley is a very “normal” character and Oldman manages to make him real. There were definitely times that I forgot that this was Sid Viscous/Beethoven/Sirius Black that I was watching. His voice has a British aristocracy lilt to it that I’ve never heard from him before. His face, although not really made up, was older than ever before. And he was perfectly amazing.

The rest of the cast was just as good. Toby Jones, Colin Firth, Tom Hardy, Benedict Cumberbatch (it was nice to see Sherlock play Holmes), Ciaran Hines…all were great. Alfredon’s (Let The Right One In) direction caught all of these performances perfectly, often from a distance away…much like a spy would have.

After sitting through the two hour film, just about everyone had the same look on their face: “That was great! What happened?” Luckily, the studio knew that they had made possibly the most cerebral and complex spy film in decades, so the Alamo staff was provided with dossiers for every audience member, complete with plot points, character sketches and basically a flow chart explaining what the fuck happened.

I kind of love them for it.

This is definitely a film that warrants multiple viewings. I can’t wait to give it another shot and see if I can follow more of it. I’ll have one up on the rest of the audience with the dossier in my hand.

Hell, I actually can’t wait to read the book.

SHERLOCK HOLMES: A GAME OF SHADOWS (2011)

**** (4/5)

Directed by: Guy Ritchie
Written by: Michele Mulroney/Kieran Mulroney
Based on characters created by: Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

Sherlock Holmes has come back in a big way lately. In 2009, Guy Ritchie directed the amped up version of the world’s greatest detective to accolades and dollars. Then there was the BBC update of the original stories perfectly cast with Benedict Cumberbatch as Holmes and Martin Freeman as Watson. There will also be an American version of the Holmes legend on television soon.

Now, Ritchie is back with the sequel to the film that restarted it all. This time out, Holmes (Robert Downey, Jr) and Watson (Jude Law) are on the run from Holmes’ greatest enemy, Professor James Moriarty (creepily played by Jared Harris). The two men are perfectly matched in just about every way with one exception: Moriarty is willing to kill anyone who gets in his way. Even the innocent.

Watson, of course, is about to get married when he and Holmes reconnect, so he is none too excited to get caught up in this latest adventure. The bromance is palpable and the near homosexuality of the two leads is played up even more than it is in the BBC show. “Lay with me, Watson.”

It’s been a couple of years since I’ve seen the original, so it’s hard for me to compare the two. From what I remember of it, though, I think this one is just as much fun and just as good. Yes, there are plenty of explosions and the direction is kinetic, as always. This is no sedate, Basil Rathbone film, but I think you all knew that. To say that it has a Michael Bay style is to insult the movie. It’s not dumb like a Bay movie. It’s not shit like a Bay movie. This is a Guy Ritchie film and he is getting back in our good graces by using other peoples’ characters. (His next project is The Man From U.N.C.L.E.)

Of course, this movie really has almost nothing to do with the original stories. There are things that fans will recognize, but there’s no story that I know of that follows this kind of path. (Somehow I doubt that Conan Doyle teamed the boys up with a sexy gypsy woman (Noomi Rapace) who kicks just as much ass as the two men. And I don’t think that Mycroft (Stephen Frye) was as…strange…as this version of him.)

This was an incredibly fun movie and, honestly, I can’t wait for these folks to team up again for a third film.

THE BEAST WITH FIVE FINGERS (1946)

**** (4/5)

Directed by: Robert Florey
Written by: William Fryer Harvey/Curt Siodmak/Harold Goldman (uncredited)

At one time, a man like Peter Lorre could be a huge star. With his bugged out eyes and crazy voice, you would think that he would be a hard sell. But Lorre was a movie star pretty much from the first time he stepped onto the screen in M in 1931. He has never stopped being an icon.

That’s why it was a bit surprising when Harry said that he had never played a Lorre film at BNAT. The fuck you say?

The Beast With Five Fingers was a pretty good way to start.

Lorre plays an astronomer who lives with an eccentric old pianist (Victor Francen) who has lost the use of his right side. His music has been rewritten by a cynical young man named Bruce Conrad (Robert Alda). When the old man dies leaving all of his money to his nurse (Andrea King), his descendants descend upon his house to try to make it seem like the old man was a blundering fool and that the money should come to him. Of course, Bruce and the nurse are in love.

Oh yeah…Peter Lorre. He actually plays a big role in this, although the description makes it seem like he doesn’t. He is pretty much the catalyst for the whole thing to happen. He’s incredibly protective of his books and his research and wants everyone out of the house…except for the nurse, of course. She can stay.

As time goes on, Lorre goes crazier and crazier and starts to see a disembodied hand crawling around the house and occasionally playing music. Sometimes it even kills people.

This is a great little film that, unfortunately, is hard to find outside of this sort of festival. It’s never been released on DVD and Warner has no plans of releasing it. That’s really too bad because I think the movie could find a niche audience now.

If you ever get a chance to see it, check it out.

G.I. JOE 2: RETALIATION TRAILER

Well, they got rid of Stephen Sommers, so I guess that’s a step in the right direction. But they replaced him with Jon M Chu, director of such classics as Step Up 2, Step Up 3D and Justin Beiber: Never Say Never.

Uh…what?

First off, was anyone really clamoring for this sequel? Second…shit. I don’t even know. I don’t remember anything about this trailer. Whatever. Do what you want, Hollywood. Enough stupid people will be into it.

Let’s move on.

THE ADVENTURES OF TINTIN (2011)

**** (4/5)

Directed by: Steven Spielberg
Written by: Steven Moffat/Edgar Wright/Joe Cornish
Based on comics by: Herge

Tintin is one of the most popular characters in the world. Created by Georges Prosper Remi (aka Herge) in Belgium in 1929, he has become like Mickey Mouse to about 85% of the world.

So, you ask, why have you not heard of him? That’s because people in America don’t really care about what happens in any other country. Most Americans had never heard of Jackie Chan until Rumble In The Bronx in 1995. He had only been making movies for about 25 years before that, becoming the most famous man in the world. Why would we have heard of him?

I’m not saying that Americans are stupid. We’re just very insular. Many people see something foreign and they suddenly become uninterested. That really is a shame, though, because other countries make some amazing stuff.

Anyway, enough PSAs. Tintin is like a Belgian Mickey Mouse. He’s a boy reporter who was able to have 23 and a half adventures before Herge died in 1983 while writing the 24th. Sometime in the early 80s, a young director named Steven Spielberg became interested in Tintin because someone compared Raiders Of The Lost Ark to his adventures. Herge then became a fan of Spielberg saying that he was the only man who could possibly bring Tintin to life. Spielberg bought the rights in 1983 and has never let them go.

Skip ahead nearly 30 years when Spielberg goes to fellow Tintin fanatic Peter Jackson to see about using WETA to do special effects for a live action Tintin movie. Jackson says, “No! The only way to do it is motion capture and CGI!”

Agreeance!

I’ve never read a Tintin book, but I feel like I need to now that I’ve seen this movie. It follows Tintin (Jamie Bell) as he and his dog, Snowy, run amok all over the world. They meet Captain Haddock (Andy Serkis), rescue him from smugglers led by Mr. Sakharine (Daniel Craig) and then search for treasure. There’s also the Inspectors Thompson (Nick Frost and Simon Pegg), two identical policemen who bumble their way through helping Tintin catch the bad guys.

And it all starts with a model ship.

This is a really fun movie with amazing animation. For just about the first time, motion capture isn’t totally creepy. I think it’s probably because they don’t try to make these characters look realistic. They look like slightly more realistic versions of the real comic book characters. (Watch for the analog drawings at the beginning of the film.) The 3D works beautifully, too. Not as essential as Hugo, but still a good addition to the film.

I think, though, that even if the animation was as creepy as Polar Express the movie would still be a lot of fun. Story and action go a long way and this one has both to spare. The action is basically non-stop, just like it would be in a comic book.

My only complaint is that maybe the story moves a bit TOO fast. I felt like we got caught up right from the start and there wasn’t enough time to really figure out what was going on who who these people really were. Then again, maybe that’s how it would be in real life. Just go, go, go and don’t stop to think.

I think I’ll have to see it one more time to really get a good feel for it. I had a lot of fun with it, but I think it may be a movie that a second viewing would give it another half star…maybe even a full one.

THE DEVIL INSIDE TRAILER

From the producer of the Paranormal Activity movies and (sigh) Insidious, this looks like Paranormal Exorcist. Lots of people (same person? not sure) getting possessed and then breaking their own backs. Oh, and found footage. Of course. We can’t make a horror movie anymore without found footage.

I dunno. Maybe I’ll check it out on video. I just don’t really want to give this guy THAT much more money.

Oh yeah, when the trailer said, “Based on a true story,” the whole audience laughed.

PORCO ROSSO (1992)

**** (4/5)

Directed by: Hayao Miyazaki
Written by: Hayao Miyazaki

Hayao Miyazaki is one of the best directors alive today, live action or animation. The man is amazing. All of his films are at least entertaining on some level. There are some that I don’t like as much as others (don’t shoot me, but I’m just not that into Totoro), but they’re all great.

Porco Rosso is one that has always been on my list, but I’ve just never gotten around to checking it out. I mean, it’s about a pig who flies airplanes. Why does that sound good? Well, it has the name Miyazaki attached to it. That’s why.

Porco is the best pilot in the air just before World War II breaks out. He makes his living as a bounty hunter and rescues people from air pirates. He also happens to have had a spell put on him that turned him into a pig. This, of course, does not stop him from romancin’ the ladies. There’s one lady in particular that he’s had his eye on, but he’s constantly thwarted by Curtis, a fellow flying ace.

This was definitely a movie that I could not stay awake through just from sheer fatigue. It had nothing to do with the quality of the film because, you know, it’s Miyazaki.

Here’s the deal, though. This is Harry’s favorite Miyazaki film. He dressed as Porco for Halloween this year and just loves the shit out of this movie.

I don’t think it’s going to be one of my favorites. I just couldn’t quite connect with it like I did something like Princess Mononoke or Castle In The Sky. It’s a good film (note the four stars), but I don’t think it’s Miyazaki’s best. I will, however, give it another shot sometime.

CABIN IN THE WOODS (2012)

****½ (4.5/5)

Directed by: Drew Goddard
Written by: Joss Whedon/Drew Goddard

Joss Whedon did a LOT for the horror genre when he created Buffy The Vampire Slayer. It’s a real turning point for horror if only for the girl-centric plot of the whole thing.

Unfortunately, he’s also inspired a lot of rather uninspired clones over the years.

Cabin In The Woods is his way of knocking all of them down a peg or two…even if that’s not what he says it is.

I’m not allowed to do a detailed review here, but I can tell you that this movie kicked my ass. It’s so freakin’ smart, funny and full of turns that you don’t quite expect that it’s hard not to fall in love with it. It takes every trope of horror movies and turns them on their inverted ears in a way the Wes Craven and Kevin Williamson couldn’t quite bring themselves to do with Scream.

It’s been a long and winding road for this movie (it was filmed a few years ago, I think), but it’s finally coming out and I hope that it endears itself to lots of fans. It deserves it.

GHOST RIDER: SPIRIT OF VENGEANCE (2012)

** (2/5)

Directed by: Mark Neveldine/Brian Taylor
Written by: Scott M. Gimple/Seth Hoffman/David S. Goyer
Based on comics by: Roy Thomas/Gary Friedrich/Mike Ploog

When Harry announced this one, I think most of the audience groaned a little bit. Seriously? Ghost Rider 2? Why would we want to see a sequel to that shitty movie?

Actually, he had the same reaction when Columbia asked if he wanted to screen it at BNAT. He said, “I need to see it.” He did and he thought it was completely different from the first one and kinda loved it.

Again, I’m not allowed to write a detailed review…but I’m not really sure that I could even if I wanted to. I not only couldn’t stay awake through it, I wasn’t interested enough to stay awake. Sure, Nicolas Cage is in Bad Lieutenant mode here, so he’s a lot of fun to watch while he goes through his weird faces and crazy voices. That, unfortunately, doesn’t make the movie particularly good. It’s good enough to be better than the first, but that’s not saying much. Really, only the kinetic direction (from the guys who brought us the Crank saga…they do know how to get into the middle of the action) and Nic’s craziness keeps it from being the worst movie at BNAT this year.

THE GREY (2012)

****½ (4.5/5)

Directed by: Joe Carnahan
Written by: Joe Carnahan/Ian Mackenzie Jeffers
Based on short story by: Ian Mackenzie Jeffers

Joe Carnahan is one of those directors that everyone just kind of lost faith in. When Narc came out in 2002, everyone thought that the 70s cop drama was coming back. It was a great story of dirty cops in a dirty world.

Then things started going slightly awry. Smokin’ Aces came out and no one but me liked it at all. No, I didn’t think that it was a great film, but I thought that it was fun. I was all alone. Then came The A-Team.

Done with that.

I really hope that The Grey changes peoples’ minds again. It’s the story of Liam Neeson vs. very large wolves.

Ok, it’s more than that. Liam and his co-workers go down in a plane crash in the snows of Alaska. Only seven of them survive. He is the wolf expert, so he becomes the de-facto leader, even if some of them aren’t so happy with that “decision.” The wolves pick the men off one by one as Liam becomes more and more of a badass and, actually, more full of regret and pathos. His mind is constantly on his wife back home. What happened to make him put his shotgun in his mouth just before he got on the plane?

No action movie is this, though. This is a dark action drama where the men are worse enemies to themselves than the wolves are. The infighting is believable and sometimes hard to watch. Even without the infighting, though, nature is stronger than man. This film never lets us forget that. Never…

This is a great film and I really hope that it brings Joe back in favor. He has pulled a performance out of Neeson that very well could be award caliber. Liam is one of my favorite actors currently working and I love that he’s become a thinking man of action. This is one of his best performances.

After this flick, we all piled onto buses and headed for the IMAX theatre down the road.

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE – GHOST PROTOCOL (2011)

**** (4/5)

Directed by: Brad Bird
Written by: Josh Appelbaum/André Nemec
Based on television show created by: Bruce Geller

Why the fuck can’t I dislike Tom Cruise movies anymore? Why the fuck does he keep making good movies while he, personally, still sucks?

Sigh. Whatever. The Mission: Impossible franchise has become his goto to make more money and, actually…they’ve become pretty goddamn great. After the mediocrity of the first and outright badness of the second, the third was awesome and the fourth is at least its equal. This has become the director’s franchise that Tarantino has always wanted the Bond series to become.

This time out, the IMF have been disbanded because the American government think that they have gone rogue. They were framed by a mysterious man (Michael Nyqvist, the original Mikael Blomkvist in the Swedish Girl Who… trilogy) who wants to start a nuclear war between Russia and the US. In fact, he has made tension run higher than it has since the Cuban Missile Crisis.

After the Secretary (Tom Wilkinson) is killed, Ethan Hunt (Cruise) is forced to go underground with his crew (Paula Patton and Simon Pegg) and the Secretary’s adviser (Jeremy Renner). The four of them become a well-oiled machine…even if their machines aren’t so well-oiled. In fact, that’s kind of a running joke in the film. None of their equipment seems to work quite right.

Funnier than the last film which, if I remember correctly, was a bit dour, Ghost Protocol is non-stop action and a LOT of fun. I’m not sure what made JJ Abrams and Tom Cruise entrust animation/Pixar director Brad Bird (The Iron Giant, The Incredibles, Ratatouille) with their baby, allowing him to cut his live-action teeth on the fourth installment, but it looks like their gamble paid off in spades. He handles the job like a pro and I hope it leads to more action flicks like this: fun, thoughtful and full of actual story.

A lot has been said about Jeremy Renner being a possible replacement for Tom if he ever decides to leave the series. They’ve been denying it, but I would be up for it. Sure, I don’t think Tom is going to leave his cash cow anytime soon. But if he does, they could do worse than Renner. He’s a really good actor and handles the action very well. Honestly, if this was Cruise’s last M:I film, I wouldn’t be sad. Brandt is a good character and could totally hold the franchise up.

By the way, I would totally buy this Saul Bass inspired poster. Why have I never seen it before? One of the best posters I’ve seen in a while.

So, that was it. One of the better lineups for BNAT, I think. Only two movies that really weren’t up to par, but they even had their place in keeping the flow. (Without Ghost Rider 2, when would I have slept?!)

Another Butt Numb-A-Thon down. I’m already ready for next year.

****½ (4.5/5)

Directed by: James Bobin
Written by: Jason Segel/Nicholas Stoller
Based on characters created by: Jim Henson

Tonight, I just saw a group of my old friends on screen and it was just about as comfortable as an old glove.

But first, I want to hit a few previews.

THE PIRATES! BAND OF MISFITS–Aardman is on a roll, at least as far as putting films out. Whether they’re any good, is another question. I’ve heard ok things about Arthur Christmas, but I’m not so sure about this one. A star studded cast (Hugh Grant, Brendan Gleeson, Salma Hayek, Jeremy Piven, Brian Blessed, Imelda Staunton, Martin Freeman, David Tennant, ad infinitum) heads up a crew of silly pirates competing in the Pirate Of The Year competition. Of course, hijinks ensue. I’ll see it because I love Aardman. Just kinda not so sure.

DR SEUSS’ THE LORAX–Another year, another Dr Seuss abomination. It seems that Hollywood can never get this right. Drawing out a 10 page book into a 90 minute movie is rarely ever a good idea. And Dr Seuss has never really made the transition well at all unless it was television. I’m REALLY scared of this one.

BIG MIRACLE–Man, I didn’t want to care about this one at all. It’s about a bunch of whales who are stuck in an ice hole in the Arctic. Drew Barrymore plays the humanitarian who wants to help them. John Krasinski and Stephen Root are along for the ride. It looks like, against all odds, this could be a decent, heartfelt flick. I hate movies like this, though. Tug, tug, tug. Tear, tear, tear. Dammit, Hollywood.

JOURNEY 2: THE MYSTERIOUS ISLAND–Wait…this is a sequel? I’m so confused. OH, it’s a sequel to a movie that no one saw with Brendan Fraser and, sort of, Josh Hutcherson. I guess they couldn’t get Brendan, so they got Dwayne Johnson instead. He and Josh run off to find Michael Caine on the titular island. Special effects ensue. Yeah. Whatever. Didn’t care about the first one, don’t care about this one.

THE SECRET WORLD OF ARRIETY–Studio Ghibli has a reputation for greatness, so I can only hope that this movie is as good as the rest of their films. This is the story of The Borrowers. Honestly, I’m not really sure why they didn’t just call it The Borrowers, but whatever. It’ll be great. Apparently, if we Americans all don’t go see this in theatres, Ghibli is threatening to close up shop. I’m skeptical since they still do amazingly well around the world. Whatever. I’ll do my best to be there.

Ok, it’s time to start the music. It’s time to light the lights.

Back in the mid-70s to mid-80s, the Muppets couldn’t be touched. Kermit was an icon whose sincerity hit all the right chords. Miss Piggy became an unlikely feminist symbol. Fozzie Bear, with his old-fashioned jokes, may have been a throw-back, but he loved what he did. And Gonzo…well, he was just weird. With a hit tv show and a string of movies, these guys were at the height of their powers.

At some point, though, their power kind of fizzled. Sure, they threw a movie out occasionally and people went to see them, but they weren’t a part of the culture anymore. Finally, in 1999, Muppets From Space seemed to be the final nail. It was kind of fun, but missed the spirit of the Muppets by enough to be panned by most fans and just about all critics. The move to Disney soon after didn’t do them any favors and, until now, Disney hasn’t really known what to do with them.

Enter Jason Segal. He’s had this script rolling around in his head for years and, because he’s such a huge fan, he just knew that it had to succeed. Like the Muppets themselves, Jason is a born optimist.

Gary (Segal) and Mary (Amy Adams in super-duper-charming mode) are the happy couple. Walter is Gary’s brother and the biggest Muppet fan in the world. He’s always been short and different from everyone else, but when he saw the Muppets, he knew that he belonged somewhere…even if it was on a tv show.

On Gary and Mary’s tenth anniversary, they all decide to go to LA where the Muppet Studio is. After a town-wide song and dance number, they depart…only to find out that the Muppets haven’t seen each other in years and the studio has been condemned. Walter overhears Waldorf and Statler telling Tex Richman (Chris Cooper) about a clause in the “Standard Rich And Famous” contract that Kermit signed at the end of The Muppet Movie. It seems that the contract is up and, if the Muppets don’t raise ten million dollars by midnight in ten days, the Studio will go to Richman. What they don’t know is that Richman wants to tear down the studio and drill oil.

The rest of the movie is a Blues Brothers style ride to get the band back together, get the theatre in order and stage a telethon to get the studio back. Thin plot, but it really doesn’t matter. Like the Marx Brothers before them, this kind of plot with just the right non-descript romantic leads, makes for a great time.

The Muppets have always been among the most wholesome and non-cynical family entertainment out there. Why, then, are they still perfect family entertainment in this “hard, cynical world”? A big part of it is the fact that they never talk down to kids. As Kermit says (before being bashed in the head with a door), kids are smarter than you think. They see an underdog like Kermit and they will immediately identify with him. They see a weirdo like Gonzo and they will immediately laugh at him, but know how he feels. They see a washed up comic like Fozzie and they will laugh with him and know that, while his jokes are bad, his heart is pure.

All this and they have never devolved into cloying tearjerking. Yes, there are tears in this movie, but they’re smart and happy tears. (Uh…yeah. That sounds right.) There’s really only one other American studio that can do the things that the Muppets have been doing for 40 years. Interestingly, that studio is also under the Disney umbrella…but it ain’t Disney.

Segal and Stoller have written a come-back movie that could only have come this far after the last film. It’s hilarious, absolutely sincere and goes straight for the heart. Even the constant cameos were perfect. From Mickey Rooney to ultimate ironist Jack Black. (Jack’s second entrance is actually perfect for the film’s message of bringing sincerity back.) This was actually my biggest complaint with Muppets From Space: the cameos were pretty awful.

Luckily, Segal and Amy Adams are perfect for those “non-descript” romantic leads. They can both be super-ironic, but they can also be the most sincere and endearing people in the world. You kind of believe that these people would sing and dance in the middle of town…and they might just be able to get the whole town to join them.

Chris Cooper is a great baddy, but I probably could have done without the rap. Mercifully, it was very short.

Finishing this movie was actually kind of bittersweet. I wanted it to go on and on. When it was over, I wanted to immediately watch it again. It was a lot of fun to play “I remember that” when they would reference things from the movies/tv shows and watching for little jokes (the nuts in front of Gonzo’s painting and the smoke coming out of the Electric Mayhem’s were great touches). The songs, mostly written by director Bobin (Flight Of The Conchords) is silly and matches the tone of many of the great Paul Williams songs from the first film.

My only real disappointment was that Gonzo wasn’t used more. I guess they figured that he was the center of the last movie and needed a break…but Dave Goelz is the only Mupper performer who is still doing his original characters. Why not use him? (For the record, Steve Whitmire has also been there since the beginning, but he’s taken over a lot of Jim Henson’s characters since he died in 1990. Steve was a background performer before.)

Basically, though, I loved just about everything about this movie. It was good to see my friends again. I can’t wait to see what they do next!

**½ (2.5/5)

Directed by: Brian Jett
Written by: Brian Jett

Walter Dishman (David Denman who played Skip the demon on Angel) is a parole officer who is about to change his entire life. He just got three parolees who are going to help him, even if none of them know it yet.

Darla DeMint (Gillian Jacobs) is cold-hearted bitch who uses her hotness to get her way, then dumps the men who fell in love with her. The last one gave her a ring that she then tried to sell on e-Bay. Unfortunately for her, it was stolen.

Kris Styles (Kevin Hart) is a former doctor who committed a white-collar crime. Now he has to get a job to not break parole. The thing is, he doesn’t need a job. He’s got all the money he needs…if only his wife was still around.

Artie Satz (Ed Asner who, sadly, sounded like he was being read his lines a lot of the time) is a lifer. He just got out of prison after a long career robbing banks. Now what’s an old guy to do?

Of course, Darla starts to use her feminine wiles on Walter and he falls for it. He starts hanging out with her during his off time. Kris goes from job to humiliating job. Artie thinks about going back to the life.

Oh yeah. Walter is married…a fact that the filmmakers barely even register for us until it’s convenient to the story. Unfortunately, it starts to make Walter look like a terrible person because his wife is a perfectly nice lady. Nice to look at, too. As a matter of fact, I didn’t really like anyone in this movie but her. Artie was an asshole, Darla was a bitch (who started to change for no apparent reason) and Kris didn’t handle some of his jobs well. (Ok, some of them I totally understand. But the parking attendant job? Totally could’ve saved that.) And tell me again why I’m supposed to feel sorry for a guy who cheated Blue Cross or Medicare out of millions of dollars? Another insurance company I would totally be down for, but not those two. That’s like stealing from a charity.

This is one of those movies that tries to be everything and only really succeeds at a couple of them. It’s an ok character study, but that’s about it. It’s not particularly romantic. It’s not particularly funny. It’s not particularly dramatic. It’s not even very good at the social commentary about the prison system. I’ve seen it before and it was usually better.

Not particularly good, unfortunately.

THE DESCENDANTS (2011)

***** (5/5)

Directed by: Alexander Payne
Written by: Alexander Payne/Nat Faxon/Jim Rash
Based on book by: Kaui Hart Hemmings

Alexander Payne has a very interesting formula. Take a likeable actor (Reese Witherspoon, Matthew Broderick, Jack Nicholson, Paul Giamatti) and saddle them with a pretty unlikeable character. Turn that character’s world on its head about 15 times. Then throw about a ton of narration over everything.

Throughout my time in film school, I was always told “No narration! It’s a crutch!” I would love for someone to tell Payne that. And then I would love for him to laugh in their faces. His movies fucking work. And they work perfectly.

Matt King (George Clooney) is a Hawaiian lawyer whose family has owned a giant plot of land for generations. It’s part of his heritage, but now it’s time to give it up. He and his cousins have seven years to sell the land or they have to break up the trust that owns it.

Meanwhile, Matt’s wife is dying of injuries sustained in a boating accident. She’s been in a coma for weeks and is not going to pull through. After dragging his oldest daughter, Alexandra (Shailene Woodley), out of reform school, she tells him that she caught her mom with another man (Matthew Lillard, looking for the first time like an adult).

Queue the journey. Matt, Alexandra, younger daughter Scottie (Amara Miller) and Alexandra’s dumbass boyfriend Sid (local boy, Nick Krause) head out to find this guy and confront him while trying to figure out how to tell the rest of the family about the impending death.

Everything about this movie is pretty amazing. Alexander Payne has yet to make a bad film and this keeps that record going. It’s funny, sad, thoughtful and perfectly acted by everyone. His movies are always peopled with folks that we wouldn’t want to hang out with, but MAN do we ever want to see movies about them. Matt King is no exception. He’s not exactly the best dad, hasn’t always been there for his daughters or his wife. Luckily, he’s an amazing subject for a film. It certainly doesn’t hurt that George Clooney is on the top of his game here. This very well could be his best performance yet. (You have no idea how heartbreaking it is to see that man cry.)

Of all of Payne’s films, this is probably the most beautifully shot. Not only does he show us the beauty of Hawaii (and there are some shots that make me want to go there tomorrow), but he shows us the mundane parts, too. The opening shots are of the cities that we never see: the traffic, the office buildings, the suburbs. It’s all there, too. We just don’t know about it because Hawaii is “Paradise.”

By the end of the movie, like all of Payne’s movies, we love the characters and Hawaii…even dumb ol’ Sid. Against all odds, we want this family to go on forever. And we wouldn’t mind if the movie was about three more hours long. We could watch them all learn to forgive each other all over again.

Watch for Beau Bridges basically playing his brother and Robert Forster playing himself.

THE ARTIST (2011)

***** (5/5)

Directed by: Michel Hazanavicius
Written by: Michel Hazanavicius

Silent film is a dead art. Out of all of the styles of film that have come and gone, silent film is the one that no one really goes back to. Outside of one Mel Brooks movie and an episode of Buffy, I can’t think of another silent film made since the early 30s. (I’m sure there are some, but I just can’t think of them right now.)

Michel Hazanavicius has taken up the challenge and made a full-length silent film in the age of CGI effects and Digital Dolby sound. And, strangely enough, it’s fucking amazing.

It’s 1927 in Hollywood and George Valentin (Jean Dujardin in a role that Kavin Kline would have played very well about 20 years ago) is the biggest star in the world. His series of films (including A Russian Affair and A German Affair) are adventure/espionage movies where he and his trusty Jack Russell terrier roam around the world spying on folks and getting tortured.

Just after the premiere of one of his films, George meets Peppy Miller (Berenice Bejo). The two share a moment and then she becomes Hollywood’s IT girl.

Then, tragedy strikes: sound. Can George’s career survive? Will Peppy lose her soul? Will Zimmer (John Goodman) ever direct a masterpiece? What is Malcolm Macdowell doing in this movie for ten seconds?

The Artist will most likely be the best movie that I see at this festival. Not only does it get everything right as far as the silent filmmaking (this looks like it could have been made in the late 20s), but the story is absolutely perfect. It’s hilarious, heartfelt and, most importantly, human. All of the characters are real while still being broad enough to be larger than life.

I didn’t know very much about this movie going in. I kind of wish that I could write a review for it without mentioning that it’s a silent film because I think that some people will avoid it because they don’t want to sit through an hour and a half of no sound. Unfortunately, there’s really no way to review it without that bit of information because it’s so integral to the plot. It’s not just a gimmick. It pretty much is the whole story.

Please don’t let the fact that it’s silent keep you from seeing The Artist. If you do, you might just miss one of the best movies of the year.

DARK MATTERS SHORTS

Typically, a shorts program like this will have three or four real stinkers. This one, though, didn’t have any. It was kinda weird. There was one weak one, but it was still pretty funny.

Let’s check out the horror shorts, shall we?

BLIND SPOT (2011)

Directed by: Matthew Nayman
Written by: Matthew Nayman

When the world is going to Hell, will you notice? Or will you be like the guy in this short who just keeps trying to get his plane ticket changed.

This is a short that knows how to build, tell its story and then get out before it’s too late. Not the best thing around, but it was pretty damn funny and actually had a bit of a point.

HOW (NOT) TO BECOME A VAMPIRE (2011)

Directed by: Keram Malicki-Sanchez
Written by: Lori Fischburg

This was the weak one. A mostly funny instructional video/infomercial for a kit that will turn you into a vampire. Sporadically funny and a bit over done, but still not too bad.

LAST CHRISTMAS (2011)

Directed by: Geoff Redknap
Written by: Geoff Redknap

This was, hands down, the masterpiece of the program. A young boy (Quinn Lord, who plays Sam in Trick ‘r Treat) wakes up to a Christmas tree and a cat. Soon enough, we find out that he’s taking care of his increasingly addled grandmother (Linda Darlow), seemingly all alone. Why won’t he let her go outside? And why is he nervous when she asks about the family?

Great performances and realistic writing make this an incredibly sad and yet still sweet short that will be the one that stays with me after the festival. Redknap has been doing makeup for movies since 1995 (a lot of big ones that you’ve seen), but he keeps that to a bare minimum here. And it’s all for the best.

THE INTERVIEW (2011)

Directed by: Michelle Steffes
Written by: Jacob Givens/Jason Philip Thompson

Another good one about an apocalyptic world where a young man is trying to get a job with the only other person that he knows is alive, the DJ of the radio station that he listens to. (Ok, the ONLY radio station.) They’re advertising for a new VP. When he gets there he finds a normality that isn’t exactly what he expected.

Consistently funny, but not so overboard that it becomes completely ridiculous. Also, strangely sad in a way. Corporate mugs will always be corporate mugs, no matter what happens.

IN THE MIDDLE (2010)

Directed by: Thomas Ward
Written by: Thomas Ward

A waitress at a crappy diner in the middle of nowhere goes through her crappy day serving crappy food to crappy customers. The crappiest are a group of teenaged girls who just don’t get that this lady isn’t “quaint.” They think they’re smarter than her and they show it. The whole thing comes to a boil when they start to talk about “Perjury.” You know, where you wait for your fate just outside of Hell?

Just another day at D’s Mediterranean Diner.

Pretty good stuff. I know how this chick feels, unfortunately.

THE FIRST ZOMBIE (2011)

Directed by: Jeff Norton
Written by: Jeff Norton

Another one that could have been better, but was still pretty funny at times. The first zombie has crawled his way out of his grave and now has to acclimate to his unlife. His wife does her best to help him, but his baby is a bit more on the “AAAAUUUGGGHHH!!!” side of things.

Like I said, pretty funny at times, but I think it could have worked a bit better.

MOVING DAY (2010)

Directed by: Jason Wingrove
Written by: Matthew Graham

I felt like I had seen this one before, but the ending was completely different. A little girl moves into a new home in the countryside with her family. She discovers some not so nice fairies living in the plants. (The first one flips her off, which was actually unexpected.) But she finds a way to get bloody, fiery revenge.

This could have been a disaster, but it was actually pretty damn fun…even if the credits went on and on and on and on. The music is what made it work so well. All innocence and fun at first and the 90s action movie by the end. Not a perfect short, but definitely one worth seeking out.

MUMMY’S LITTLE HELPER (2011)

Directed by: Michael Lavelle
Written by: Michael Lavelle

Heavy handed, but still suspenseful, Mummy’s Little Helper is an anorexia cautionary tale about a mother who is all about losing weight…any way she can. Will she pass that on to her little girl?

Very obvious message that Lavelle beats us over the head with, but it was visually very good and the storytelling was effective. Check it out if you get the chance, but wear a helmet.

THE DINNER MEETING (2011)

Directed by: Antony Webb
Written by: Ethan Marrell

This was probably my second favorite. It’s about a guy who wants to propose to his girlfriend. She picks the restaurant and he meets her there. But what is this restaurant called Eternity? And why is the maitre’d so freakin’ nervous?

I actually didn’t see where this one was going until it hit me in the face with it. This is a fun and dark little flick. Definitely check it out.

*** (3/5)

Directed by: David Marek
Written by: David Marek/Judson Webb/Barrett Ogden/Adam Benn

Ian (Barrett Ogden, looking like Matt Damon with a prison record) is dying of cancer. He goes to the support groups, but he knows that it’s over. There’s no more denying it.

Instead of getting treatments that are going to make his death slower, but more painful, he throws away the false hope and starts driving west from his Upper Peninsula Michigan home. Before he can even get out of town he meets up with Ryan (Judson Webb, Mike Nesmith with the same prison record). Ryan is running from a couple of guys for because of who knows what? And he’s kind of a hopeless drunk.

Ryan tries to start conversations with Ian, but Ian just wants to drive and die on his own without making any more friends. Can Ian learn to love?

The first 30 minutes of this movie were absolutely painful. I hated Ian. Thought he was a total punk with no redeeming qualities. Granted, I’ve never been dying of cancer, so I don’t know what he was going through, but it didn’t help me relate to him at all. (It also didn’t help that, besides being bald, he didn’t look like a cancer patient. He looked like he was still working out fairly regularly. Even the shot of him with his shirt off didn’t make me think anything but “healthy dude.”)

Eventually, though, things started to kind of click. Ian and Ryan started to talk. Ian opened up a little bit to Ryan (in a not so well-acted scene, unfortunately). They met a couple of girls who happened to be traveling the same way. (It did seem like they had no agenda, which is a little weird.) I started to see and understand the beauty of Ian’s trip.

The main reason that I wanted to see this movie is because I’ve taken this trip before. As I said, not because I was dying of cancer, but because I wanted to get away for a while and see the country. To that end, I can see where Ian was coming from. If I found out that I was dying in six months to a year…would I want my last days to be spent in a hospital room? Fuck, no! I would want to go out and do things. See the world.

Unfortunately, Ian was a bit of a prick and didn’t want anyone else with him…at first. When he finally became a human being, the movie started to be watchable.

It certainly helped that the cinematography was beautiful. The Badlands will never be justifiably caught on video (or even film, for that matter), but a percentage of its beauty comes through in this movie. The same can be said of all of the places that the characters visit from the UP to wherever it is that they end up on the West Coast.

It may not be everything that the filmmakers wanted it to be, but it’s still a beautiful film in different ways.

AUSTIN HIGH (2011)

**** (4/5)

Directed by: Alan Deutsch
Written by: Will Elliott/Kirk C Johnson/Michael S Wilson

Austin, TX is a very unique city. There are those among us who believe that it is one of the greatest cities in the world. There are also those among us who believe that there is a (unfortunately large) faction of people who would like to make it less than great. Those who would like to take the weird out of it. Those who want it to be all about making money and basically turn it into Dallas or worse….LA.

SHUDDER

Luckily, the folks behind Austin High understand what Austin is all about, even if they go about showing it in a REALLY goofy way.

Lady Bird High School is ruled over by Samuel Wilson (writer Michael S Wilson). He rules with a fist that holds a bong. He knows that most of the kids and faculty are high most of the time and he doesn’t really care. As long as no one gets hurt, everything is fine. Hell, he spends most of the day high, too.

That is, until Dr. Patricia Lambert (Melinda Y Cohen) shows up. She’s a prim and proper vice principal who wants everyone to conform. Students, faculty and especially Wilson. Not only is she a threat to the school, but there’s a threat to the very town that we all know and love: Tony Gennocide (Brently Heilbron) wants to turn Austin into a den of non-weirdness. Hippy Hollow? No more nudity! Roads? No more bikers! Stoners? No more stoners!

Will Gennocide and Lambert get Wilson on their side? Will Wilson’s friends understand if they do? More importantly, will his daughter understand? And will she get into the private school that she wants to go to?

Austin High is INCREDIBLY silly. The comedy is over the top and, sometimes, completely random. (Wilson was once an avid falconer. Why? Because it’s funny to watch him stand in his front lawn with a falconer’s glove waiting for a falcon that will never come back.) Some of it is really obvious. (Gennocide is pronounced “gee-no-CHEE-day.” No end of fun is had with that.) It’s also very broad at times. (We see at least three ball sacks.)

The thing is, even though the movie may not deserve four stars…it’s REALLY hard not to like it. It’s a very charming movie in just about every way. You can tell that the folks who made it really fucking love Austin and want it to not stop progressing, but keep what it’s really about in the process of that progress.

Basically, I kind of loved this movie, even with all of its faults. It charmed the pants off of me. It may have done so even if it hadn’t been about my hometown.

(By the way, I kind of want to be Michael S Wilson. Even if he does kind of look like Randy Quaid.)

CORMAN’S WORLD: EXPLOITS OF A HOLLYWOOD REBEL (2011)

***** (5/5)

Directed by: Alex Stapleton
Written by: Alex Stapleton/Gregory Locklear

Roger Corman is a pioneer. He was making movies for teenagers before anyone else even knew what a teenager was. He made movies cheaper than anyone else and never lost a dime on any of them (except one).

Roger Corman may be the most important filmmaker of the latter half of the 20th century.

Lofty words, eh? But they may just be true. Not only did he change the film industry, but he started just about everyone’s careers in one way or another. Rarely, though, does he get the recognition that he deserves. Most people call him a “schlockmeister,” a name that he takes offense to.

Alex Stapleton’s new film tries to rectify these slights. He gathered interviews with acolytes, friends, co-workers and the man himself in order to correct the ideas that people have of what a “Corman film” is. No, not all of his films were great. That’s not really the point, though. The point was to make something that he believed in and that other people would want to see, get it out there and then move on to the next film.

Corman is a hard man to work for, according to his former employees like Jack Nicholson, Peter Bogdonovich, Martin Scorsese and Peter Fonda (just to name a few), but he always knew exactly what he was doing and knew how to make real filmmakers out of these people. Ron Howard said that one of the best lessons Roger ever taught him was “If you do a good job, you will never have to work for me again.”

Corman’s World is the kind of documentary that you show to a budding filmmaker. Very few films make the viewer really want to “go out there and DO something,” but I think that Corman’s World is one of those films. By the end, not only were there quite a few “tear up” moments (including one with Nicholson, strangely enough), but I felt like everyone in the theatre was ready to go out and start a new career.

If only we knew what that career was going to be.

6 MONTH RULE (2011)

**½ (2.5/5)

Directed by: Blayne Weaver
Written by: Blayne Weaver

Tyler (Blayne Weaver) has a theory for everything related to females. He knows who they are even before they know him and he knows exactly how to get them where he wants them. He also believes that any man can get over any woman in six months.

Could Sophie (Natalie Morales) be the one who disproves all of the rules?

Meh. Whatever. This seemed like a bit of a vanity project for writer/director/star Blayne Weaver. The problem is that he was a bit too Christian Slater and not enough…interesting. In fact, the two lead characters were not NEARLY as interesting as the supporting characters. His best friend (Martin Starr) is trying to get over his ex-fiancee (Jamie Pressly, who is wasted in a ten second role). Sophie’s on-again, off-again is an up and coming rock star named Julian (Patrick J Adams) who is everything that you would expect a pretentious but trying to be down to earth rock star to be.

Best of all, though, are Dave Foley and John Michael Higgins as an instigator of a gallery owner and Tyler’s agent, respectively. Just about every line out of these guys’ mouths is funny. Actually, if the entire movie had been about them, I would have been much happier.

As it was, it was about two people who fell in love instantly, but couldn’t get it together long enough to really get it together. By the end, I really didn’t care whether they got together or not…although I kind of knew that I wanted them to not get together. He’s a douchebag and she’s an idiot. Why do we want them to procreate?

**** (4/5)

Directed by: Nini Bull Robsahm/Patrik Syversen
Written by: Nini Bull Robsahm/Patrik Syversen

Sometimes, you just don’t know what you’re getting yourself into. I just knew that I wanted to see two films today, so that I got as much out of the day as possible. I had to work, so I wouldn’t make the first block of movies. The second block, though, had two movies that I wasn’t too interested in and one that I had already seen.

Lesser of two evils?

You Said What? won out.

Glenn has a bit of a problem. His girlfriend just cheated on him on their first anniversary…with whipped cream. Now he’s alone. Sad Glenn is sad.

His three buddies decide that they need to cheer Glenn up, so they reenact Takeshi Miike’s Audition…without all the blood. They hold auditions for a movie that they have no plans to make.

Enter Linda, the woman of Glenn’s dreams. They hit it off and a funny thing happens…they now HAVE to make the movie. Unfortunately, they have no experience in filmmaking besides working at a video store.

FAR funnier than it ever should be, this romantic comedy rises above its silly premise and becomes something that I didn’t think that I would be into. Sure, there are no new plot points here. You know exactly where things are going the entire time. Luckily, though, the writers and actors manage to make it seem new.

They get a few good digs in at the film business, too. Their trip to the talk show is pretty priceless. And, of course, Peter Stormare is amazing.

Check this one out. It’s also called Help, I’m In Filmmaking! or something like that.

THE INNKEEPERS

***½ (3.5/5)

Directed by: Ti West
Written by: Ti West

Ti West is one of those directors that I just can’t fully understand the appeal of. The Roost was such a terrible fucking movie. And then House Of The Devil was kinda awesome.

Where does his newest film fall on this spectrum? Well, somewhere in the middle, actually.

Claire and Luke (Sara Paxton and Pat Healy) are a couple of part-time kids at a smalltown haunted hotel that is on its last weekend. There are only three guests left. A mom and her small son and a has-been actress who Claire is a huge fan of (Kelly McGillis).

Claire and Luke are amateur ghost hunters, so they have been taking EVP recordings of the hotel since they started working there. So far, nothing. But could this last weekend be the time that they finally find something of Madeleine O’Malley, the ghost that supposedly haunts the hotel?

As I said, this movie falls somewhere between The Roost and House Of The Devil. The Innkeepers starts off as a pretty straight comedy. Claire and Luke are a totally modern pair (who are NOT together, by the way) of cynical kids who would LOVE to prove that ghosts exist, but they just barely believe in them. They make fun of the guests (sometimes to their faces) and take great joy in doing things to scare each other. Their dialogue is pretty real and this part of the movie is great. It had the potential to be something of a modern-day prequel to Ghostbusters.

Then the scary starts in. There are some genuine creepy moments, but a LOT of the real scares are “cat in the closet” scares. (How DID that bird get in the basement?) Yes, they sometimes call attention to them, but it still doesn’t always work. I started to get annoyed with it pretty quickly.

Then, at some point near the end, Claire became the stupidest person alive…and I HATE it when filmmakers do this. When you’re scared shitless and you’re waiting for someone to come downstairs, if you hear a noise from the basement, guess what you’re NOT going to do.

That’s right. Investigate the fucking creepy noise! I’m either staying put and yelling for the person I’m waiting for or I’m getting the fuck out of that place as fast as I can. I certainly don’t go to the basement!

I did, however, like the ending. I just wish that getting there hasn’t been an exercise in dumb.

By the way, this was definitely the Festival Of The Inhaler. Claire is asthmatic, as were the Martins in Human Centipede 2 and Retreat. Now THAT’S creepy!

So that’s how the Festival ended. Not quite a bang or a whimper. Somewhere in the middle. The party was fun, but I did a bad, bad thing: I tried two pieces of deep fried butter and a piece of deep fried bacon.

My arteries hate me right now.

And I can’t wait for next year.

Directed by: Andrew Bond
Written by: Andrew Bond

In a land where everyone is dirty, soap is a strange, strange thing. Especially when it has a face. And talks. And has magical powers.

This is meant to be a children’s adventure short about a dirty world that wants to be clean. The Mighty Soap comes along to teach them how. It’s alright, but I think it’s a bit on the slow side for kids…and long for a short. Kinda fun, though. Just super silly.

BODY TEMPERATURE (2011)

***½ (3.5/5)

Directed by: Takaomi Ogata
Written by: Takaomi Ogata

Speaking of super silly, that’s something that this movie actually isn’t. Rintaro (Chavetaro Ishizaki) is a lonely guy. The only love he gets is from his trusty sex doll. To him, she’s a real person. (So much so that, at this point, she IS a real person.)

His perfect relationship is threatened when he meets Rinko (Rin Sakuragi, who also plays the sex doll), a girl who looks just like his sex doll. Could she be better than the fake thing?

Super slow and methodical, Ogata’s very short feature draws things out just like they’re drawn out in real life. This guy’s life is boring and Ogata wants us to know it. (No, really. That was his intention. I’m not just being sarcastic.) Not only are there some long and boring scenes, but there are a lot of really uncomfortable scenes. Rintaro is terrible with real women and…well, sex with a sex doll is kind of uncomfortable anyway. Of course, when you treat a real girl like a sex doll…nevermind.

Not a bad movie at all. It does what it needs to do and then gets out. And I really felt for Rintaro. This guy is a real sad-sack and doesn’t know how to be a real human being. Rinko is his first true link to life. She brings a spark out that even he didn’t know was there.

Heartbreaking and painful, Body Temperature certainly isn’t for everyone. In fact, I think most audiences would probably run away from it. It certainly isn’t Lars And The Real Girl.

By the way, the Japanese don’t truly understand how we Americans laugh at uncomfortable situations. Ogata said that he was trying to make a film that was not funny at all, so he was a little bit disturbed when we laughed a few scenes.

THE ETERNAL EVIL OF ASIA (1995)

*½ (1.5/5)

Directed by: Man Kei Chin
Written by: no one?

Hong Kong must have been a weird place in the mid-90s. I just watched a man rape a woman from another room.

There was a string of films made from the 70s until about this movie that showed how afraid of the outside world Hong Kong truly was. Anyone from other places in Asia were total hicks who believed every bit of the voodoo religions from ancient times and they will kill you with it. Devil Fetus is one of these.

In The Eternal Evil Of Asia, Bon and his buddies go to Thailand for a good time. Bon is totally in love with his girlfriend, May, so he doesn’t do any fuckin’. His friends, though, are fuck machines.

They all meet a Thai wizard, save his life and become his friends. (This is where the flesh-eating placenta comes in. Stick with me, here.) His sister falls in love with Bon, but he won’t love her because of May. Brother tries to put a hex on Bon to make him have sex with her, but it backfires and hits the other three guys. Of course, the four of them have sex, wake up and they suddenly have fuck remorse. Then there’s the “whoops” killing of the sister.

Brother Wizard goes on a ravenous rampage of revenge.

There’s lots of sex, lots of blood, lots of gore and, of course, lots of rape. Can’t have a decent Category III film without lots of rape. Of course, it’s all tied together with a story that is so simple that, even though it’s chopped to hell, it doesn’t matter. Revenge and sex. That’s all you need to know.

Why is the movie choppy? Well, here’s a little something I learned about Hong Kong films:

The production companies would hold midnight screenings the day before the movie was set to release. The filmmaker and producer would sit in the projection booth and take notes on what the audience liked. (Read: what didn’t make them throw things at the screen. The crowds were violent as shit, sometimes beating the shit out of the filmmakers in the lobby.)

If they wanted to at the end, they would get the editor, throw him in a van and have him run from theatre to theatre editing bits out of the film. As the guy who introduced the film said, “They liked the sex at the beginning and the flesh-eating placenta in the middle, but they didn’t like the dialogue between? Oh well. Cut the dialogue!”

Hong Kong must have been a weird place in the mid-90s.

SENNENTUNTSCHI: CURSE OF THE ALPS (2010)

**** (4/5)

Directed by: Michael Steiner
Written by: Stefanie Japp/Michael Sauter/Michael Steiner

I don’t actually know how I feel about this one. I may never really know.

A little girl finds a skeleton and her mother tells the police the story of what happened in the village in 1975 when a mysterious girl (Roxane Mesquida from The Fat Girl) wanders into town after the apparent suicide of a priest. What ensues is mass chaos. The chief of police (Nicholas Ofczarek) tries to uncover her story, but only find a picture of her from 1950. Could that be possible? And why does the head priest hate her so much? Why does he keep saying that she’s the devil?

There is so much going on in this movie that it’s pretty difficult to keep up all the time. I’m sure that, after a few viewings, everything will start to click into place. And, honestly, I’m willing to try that. The story is so interesting and the movie is so good that I wouldn’t mind watching it two or three times just to puzzle it all out.

I’m not really sure, though, that it’s meant to be puzzled out. The ending is very ambiguous and could be interpreted many different ways. Sometimes, that’s what separates the great from the merely good.

I’ve heard that this is the first true horror movie to come out of Switzerland. If it is, I can’t wait to see what else that country comes up with. Steiner needs to make more movies immediately and get them released in America.

Even if I hadn’t liked the movie so much, I think that it still would have made me want to visit the Swiss Alps. MAN, was the movie beautiful.

ELITE SQUAD II: THE ENEMY WITHIN

***½ (3.5/5)

Directed by: José Padilha
Written by: José Padilha/Rodrigo Pimentel/Bráulio Mantovani

We all know that South America’s government is dirty. There’s no surprise there. The surprise is typically how deep it goes.

Jose Padilha’s new installment in his Elite Squad series is out to uncover the deep. It still centers on Lt. Colonel Nascimento (Wagner Moura), head of BOPE, the Special Police Force of Rio. It’s always been there job to get rid of the drug dealers, but now Nascimento has started to realize that getting rid of drug dealers doesn’t get rid of the real problem: dirty cops. Eventually, the cops are making even more money from other things than they ever were from drugs.

I’ve never seen the first film, so I really had no frame of reference going into this movie. It was only a time-filler. Luckily, it wasn’t a bad time-filler. Not a great one, but not a bad one.

My main problem wasn’t the acting or the action. All of that was great. The problem was how fucking confusing it was. One of the legislators looked a lot like Nascimento, so I kept getting them confused. There was so much double-crossing going on that I had no idea who was on what side. Finally, once I kind of had it all figured out, I kind of wanted the nearly two hour movie to be over.

If you’re looking for something to do and want a little bit of realistic action (this ain’t know Ahnold flick), check it out. I might check out the first one, if possible.)

YAKUZA WEAPON (2011)

**½ (2.5/5)

Directed by: Tak Sakaguchi/Yûdai Yamaguchi
Written by: Tak Sakaguchi/Yûdai Yamaguchi
Based on manga by: Ken Ishikawa

At some point, Sushi Typhoon will learn how to make movies again. They almost threatened it with this one.

The best Yakuza fighter in Japan is coming back home because his father has just been killed. He finds out that the murderer was one of his father’s lieutenants, so he goes after him…hard. Soon enough, he’s minus an arm and a leg. The government gives him new ones. His arm now has a machine gun and his leg is a rocket launcher.

But he’s not nearly as sexy as Rose McGowan.

Imagine Robocop directed by Lloyd Kaufman, but take all of the satire and pathos out of it. Then you might come close to the silliness of Yakuza Weapon. The co-writer and star of Versus (which got an anniversary screening just before this movie) teamed up to write and direct this one and, honestly, I don’t even think that they learned anything from that experience. (Remember, I’m one of the few people at this festival who thought that Versus was not particularly good. It was amazing for about 15 minutes and then it was boring for the other six hours. I thought Azumi, which no one else liked, was WAY better.)

The funny thing is, this movie has more depth than most of Sushi Typhoon’s movies lately. Their only good movie is still The Machine Girl, but this one is probably a VERY distant second…maybe third. But there are a couple of scenes in this movie that would probably serve another movie really well. The scene with the lead character and his life-long arch-nemesis/friend fighting to the death ends really well. It should have been in some kind of John Woo gangster movie.

Unfortunately, it was attached to this, which was just more of the same over-the-top CGI blood effects and silly “comedy.” But, no matter how bad their movies are, Fantastic Fest will continue to support them and show their movies.

Well, it was at least better than Robo-Geisha.

DREADNAUGHT (1981)

**** (4/5)

Directed by: Yuen Woo-ping
Written by: Wong Jing

This year, the Festival programmers decided to show four surprise Hong Kong films from the early 80s. You see, they recently received about 650 prints from a production house that went under. The programmer for the New York Asian Film Festival came in to help them categorize them and decided to stick around and show these four films.

The first one was called Dreadnaught and was directed by martial arts choreography legend Yuen Woo-ping and was the first movie to be made by his family. If this had been 10 years ago, I probably could have told you just by watching it that it was written by Wong Jing because it was SUPER silly.

It also made me realize how I had forgotten how goddamn entertaining these old martial arts movies could be.

Mousy (Yuen Biao) is just what his name implies: a mousy little guy. He just can’t bring himself to be a hard-ass, even when people owe his family money. He desperately wants to be taught martial arts by the legendary teacher, Wong Fei-hung (Kwan Tak-hing, who played this role approximately 5498 times…this was his last time). His best friend, Ah Foon (Leung Ka-yan), is Wong’s student and wants to help Mousy in his quest.

Meanwhile, a masked murderer named White Tiger (Yuen Shun-yee) is roaming the streets and is after Mousy because he carries bells with him. There’s sort of an explanation, but it’s not particularly good.

Mousy, of course, gets in all kinds of trouble with Ah Foon leading the way. Eventually, though, he learns to get by and finds out that he knows more kung-fu than he thought. He also has to get revenge.

I had never seen or even heard of this one before, but I’m really glad that I saw it. It may not be the greatest movie ever made (really, what martial arts movie from the early 80s is?), but it really is a lot of freakin’ fun. If you’re into martial arts flicks, especially of this era, find a copy and watch it immediately.

RABIES (2010)

**** (4/5)

Directed by: Aharon Keshales/Navot Papushado
Written by: Aharon Keshales/Navot Papushado

When four kids get lost in the woods in Israel, chaos reigns. They run into a guy whose sister is trapped in a box underground. Then, while the guys are off trying to help him, the girls run afoul of a couple of cops, one of them being a bit too handsy. Then there’s the park ranger and his dog who are just trying to help.

Blood is everywhere.

Keshales and Papushado set out to make the first horror film ever to come out of Israel and, against all odds, they did a pretty amazing job. Not only is it a good horror film, but it’s a horror film that plays with conventions so well that you almost forget what those conventions were in the first place. (Notice that I didn’t even mention the killer. He exists, but….watch the damn movie.) They lace the entire thing with a pitch black sense of humor and a surprising sense of tragedy. As the filmmakers said, “That’s life in Israel.”

Rabies may not be the best movie at the festival, but it may end up being one of my favorites. Definitely worth a couple of looks. This is a really cool film.

And, no, the dog does not have rabies. In fact, no one does. But violence is a disease that spreads to everyone.

The filmmakers said that there are a couple more horror flicks coming out of Israel soon. I hope we get a chance to see them. Pent up countries always make the best horror films.

The animated shorts program is always fun at Fantastic Fest. This year was a particularly mixed bag, though. And one film didn’t make it to the Festival in time, so we didn’t see Two Friends. It’ll play Monday, though. And I won’t see it.

PATH OF BLOOD: DEMON AT THE CROSSROADS OF DESTINY (2011)

Directed by: Eric Power

South Park animation with ultra-Samurai-violence? Yes, please! This was a particularly gory little short that hit all of the tropes of a Samurai film, just with animation that made the gore more “palatable.” Loved it even with the anti-climax. (Also a trope of Samurai films, honestly.)

BEDTIME FOR TIMMY (2010)

Directed by: Thomas Nicol

One of my favorites, this is about just what it seems like it would be about: a little boy going to bed and being scared of his closet. He keeps waking up after hearing noises. When he finds out that those noises WERE made by something, he’s not so scared of it. Unfortunately, that thing is scared of something else.

This kind of short makes me happy that stop-motion and claymation are still being used by filmmakers. There was actually a LOT of stop-motion this year.

SK8RZ (2011)

Directed by: Robin Todd

I’m not really sure how I felt about this one. It takes place in a world where people have wheels attached to them. Some are bottoms and some are tops. When one guy who is usually a bottom meets a girl with a broken wheel, it’s love at first skate.

The animation is pretty awful (it kind of looks like bad cyberpunk Photoshop), but the idea is interesting enough for a short. And they may have done that kind of animation on purpose. Whatever. It was ok.

THE LAST NORWEGIAN TROLL (2010)

Directed by: Pjotr Sapegin

Another of my favorites that ended up being a rumination on bygone days and mythologies. The last Troll roams the Norwegian countryside just surviving. He thinks about what little he remembers of his childhood and gets bested by some goats. That’s when he figures out what really happened to the rest of the Trolls.

Max von Sydow narrates and voices the Troll. Pretty awesome stop-motion stuff. This is one that I would show to my friends if it ended up online.

THE HOLY CHICKEN OF LIFE AND MUSIC (2010)

Directed by: NOMINT

Not too sure that I understood this one, but it’s one of two shorts involving chickens. Something about a giant two-headed chicken that controls life and music. Interesting enough, but I don’t really know where the hell it was going.

LADY CRUSH (2011)

Directed by: Hanna Sköld

This was one of my least favorite. A man, a woman and an old woman clash in a story of acceptance and finding yourself. The man wants to be a lady, the woman wants to be old and the old lady wants to be…a crow?

I understood the point and appreciated it, but we were beat over the head by 12 minutes of shots of a guy’s skinny ass transposed with claymation of him pulling his dick off and sticking it to his chest, forming it into breasts.

BLACK DOLL (2011)

Directed by: Sofia Carrillo

Another one that I wasn’t so into, except that the animation was great. (More stop-motion.) A woman is obsessed with her dead little sister…and keeps a doll of her in a jar. Narration didn’t really help move the story along, but the visuals were really interesting.

CREATE (2011)

Directed by: Dan MacKenzie

A mad scientist is creating life. Or is he just a kid with Clay-Doh? Fun stuff that didn’t try for anything loftier than “kids and their imaginations are amazing together.”

YUICHI : THE BEGINNING OF THE END (2011)

Directed by: Aaron D. Guadamuz

Lots of black and white drawings bringing about the end of the world. Nuclear holocaust and giant fish chasing dogs. Cool, but it didn’t really go anywhere. I liked the animation, though.

THE LADY PARANORMA (2011)

Directed by: Vincent Marcone

Big head CGI isn’t usually my thing, but this one really worked. It was a story narrated by Peter Murphy of a girl in a small town who just didn’t fit in. She heard the voices of the dead, but never saw them, so never had a true friend. Finally, one day she sees a chance to have one. Really cool animation and a great story. Very Tim Burton-esque.

INNERCITY (2011)

Directed by: Alain Fournier

Another one that I just didn’t quite get. Again, the world and the marionettes were amazing, but I don’t know what the deal with the pigeons was. A little boy creates wings to fly to a little girl that he’s been watching. But what was the world that they lived in. Post-apocalyptic? Dystopian? I just couldn’t quite follow it or what it was trying to say…and I really feel that it was trying to say something.

LAZAROV (2010)

Directed by: NIETOV

Apparently, this is all about trying to “resurrect Soviet power.” I dunno. It really looked like it was about a bunch of scientists trying to resurrect a plucked chicken. This was one of the biggest laughs of the program. When the chicken comes back to life, things kinda get outta hand. Chaos reigns. Funny, funny stuff with some Three Stooges style action.

DICKFACE (2011)

Directed by: Thomas Seeberg Torjussen/Eric Vogel

A very short short about a guy with a dick nose. He figures out how to pleasure himself…but only for a little while. Really simple. Really funny. Really short. Everyone loved it.

SHORT FUSE: HORROR SHORTS

The horror shorts are always a source of gore and grue. This year, though, only a couple of them were super gory. Most of them were just bordering on horror, really. Not as amazing as in past years.

THE INCUBATOR (2011)

Directed by: Jimmy Weber

So a guy wakes up in a bathtub full of ice and the word “Thanks!” written on the mirror in lipstick. He finds that he’s been ripped open for something. When that something starts to come alive, the old urban legend takes an even more horrific turn.

Not bad and had some good grue towards the end, but I had to look it up after it was all over to remind myself what it was about. Never a really good sign.

THE UNLIVING (2010)

Directed by: Hugo Lilj

The longest of the shorts at 28 minutes, this one probably could have been cut down a little bit. It was really cool, though. We’re in a future where zombies are used for menial labor by basically giving them a lobotomy. When one of the technicians finds his zombified mother, all bets are off.

This one definitely took its time to create its world and I think it really paid off. It was a complete story, which is more than I can say for a lot of these shorts.

THE HUMAN NATURE (2010)

Directed by: Tore Frandsen

Two rednecks are out hunting rabbits. They catch one and drive away, but the rabbit somehow escapes the cage. Unfortunately, there’s something hunting humans.

Short and to the point and the creature makeup was amazing. Slimy, creepy and perfect.

NO WAY OUT (2011)

Directed by: Kristoffer Aaron Morgan

I’m not really sure what was going on here. A guy is trapped in what looks like a warehouse outside of a school gym. He’s been attacked by some Lovecraftian nightmare outside. Eventually, he gets trapped and then bashes his own head in to set his brain free.

I guess I get the metaphor, but it didn’t seem to have a lot to do with the grue that accompanied it. It looked great, though!

THANK YOU, JESUS! (2010)

Directed by: Free

Probably the least of the shorts in this program. A couple are out having a picnic when the girl is possessed by an Italian speaking squirrel? She kills the guy, but he’s brought back to life by an oily looking primitive.

I didn’t get it at all. It started over and when it was cut off, someone yelled out, “Thank you, Jesus!” I think we all had the same feelings on this one.

CURTAIN (2011)

Directed by: Dennis Widmyer

Another great one. A guy and his bitchy girlfriend move into a new apartment with some strange rules. Don’t take down the creepy shower curtain with all of the crosses on it. If you do, you might just meet a succubus demon that was exorcised from the apartment.

This, of course, happens.

A lot of fun and some great demon effects. And definitely watch out for Mr. Pokeyman.

A RIVER IN THE WOODS (2011)

Directed by: Christian Sparkes

A group of children living in the woods meet a benevolent monster. When night falls, who knows what might happen?

I do! I do! This short did exactly what I thought it would do, but it was pretty well done. The creature was great and the kids were all very good actors. I wish that it had been less predictable, but that’s ok. Still worth watching.

Of course, the whole time the kids were running around, I could only think, “Fucking hipsters.”

VILE BEAST (2011)

Directed by: William Justin Crooks

This is another one that I just couldn’t really understand. A man and his wife are having a rather emotionless conversation when a strange creature bursts into the house, knocks the man out and starts to try to rape the woman.

The man opens an eye, only to close it again because it’s not his cue yet. Then, he finally gets up and beats the beast away. Then, everything stops so they can pay him.

They start up again and he runs out.

What? No idea. Whatever.

HOW TO RID YOUR LOVER OF A NEGATIVE EMOTION CAUSED BY YOU! (2011)

Directed by: Nadia Litz

A young lady is annoyed with her boyfriend, so she keeps putting him out and performing a mysterious surgery on him. What she’s taking out…well, I’m not really sure. It’s small and it’s black. She does this a couple of times and then decides that it’s just not quite enough.

Blood and gore and relationship therapy. Why not? Not the best of the shorts, but definitely alright.

BEYOND THE BLACK RAINBOW (2011)

**** (4/5)

Directed by: Panos Cosmatos
Written by: Panos Cosmatos

Just a few weeks ago, I saw a movie that I loved more than I ever thought I would. Drive was such a throwback to the crime dramas of the 80s that I just fell in love with the first note of the electronica soundtrack.

Beyond The Black Rainbow is going for the same vibe, just with late 70s and early 80s Canadian sci-fi. It’s slow. It’s cerebral. And it’s all kinds of psychedelic. I don’t know if I really understood it but, MAN, did I like it.

Elena (Eva Allen) has been raised in a white room basically since birth. She is in the middle of some sort of self-help guru’s compound. What he’s helping people with, I’m not really sure, but Dr. Barry Nyle (Michael Rogers) is thoughtful and creepy. He sees Elena only through a glass wall and tells her that she is not allowed to see her father.

Why is he keeping her from her father? Because she is the chosen one. Chosen for what? I don’t really know, but she seems to have some strange powers that aren’t fully explained.

None of this really matters, though. This movie is visually amazing. From the grainy, period film to the crazy sets that consist of white rooms, giant glowing pyramids and the occasional nebulous blob, there wasn’t a moment of the film that I could take my eyes off of. And, like Drive, there are short bursts of ultra-violence. (Not nearly as much or as many as Drive, but close enough for Canadian work.)

I kind of can’t wait to see what peoples’ reactions to this movie are. I also can’t wait to read some interpretations. The dreamlike state of the movie and its audience will make that more interesting than half the films at this Festival.

Also just like Drive, I can’t wait to own the soundtrack. It was all done on period synths and keyboards.

THE LAST SCREENING (2011)

**** (4/5)

Directed by: Laurent Achard
Written by: Laurent Achard, Frédérique Moreau

All Sylvian (Pascal Cervo, who looks like a young Dudley Moore) wants is some good movies to screen, the love of his mother and some more ears for his star wall. Can he help it if the theatre he works at is closing and the girl that he’s falling in love with (Charlotte Van Kemmel in her first role) is getting a bit too close?

Cinema is a passionate thing and Achard’s new film shows just how passionate some people can get about it. Sylvian is crazy, but he loves movies. He’s even charmingly shy, which is why the actress who comes to see the movies starts to fall for him.

The Last Screening is a really good homage to the cinema…especially French cinema, but also Hitchcock of the 60s. The film even sort of looks like a 60s film. See this movie if at all possible.

A LONELY PLACE TO DIE (2011)

**** (4/5)

Directed by: Julian Gilbey
Written by: Julian Gilbey/Will Gilbey

When mountain climbing, never forget your bullet proof bodysuit.

Alison (Melissa George) and her four friends learn this lesson the hard way when they find a little girl in a hole in the ground. When two creepy dude with guns start chasing them, things get bloody real quick.

The action is pretty non-stop and the acting is great throughout this survival flick. Nothing too new, but Melissa George gets her “Get away from her, you bitch” moment and all is good in the world. I completely understand how this has won a few audience awards at other festivals. It’s a LOT of fun and, despite a few leaps of logic (how DOES that fire start?), it keeps its wits about it.

See it. See it often.

By the way, I kind of want to go to the festival with the fire and naked chicks. It’s called the Beltane Fire Festival. Hmmmmm….