Professor Wagstaff

EARTHLING

Directed by: Clay Liford
Written by: Clay Liford

Judith (Rebecca Spence) is a teacher with a difference. Apparently, she’s part alien. She occasionally gets bumps on her forehead, but they only started happening recently after some incident.

Abby (Amelia Turner) is one of Judith’s students. She awakens the beast within Judith. Will she begin an affair with the girl? Or will she listen to her better judgment?

There’s also an astronaut who has problems with his family. He was the only survivor in a horrible accident on a space station. Is he an alien, too?

I hated this movie. It tried WAY too hard to be thought provoking, but forgot to let us in on its thoughts. I know that it was “about” something, but I still don’t know what the fuck it was. After an hour and a half, I didn’t feel any connection to any character and I just wanted it to end. Then it went on for six more hours.

Whatever. The horror is over. I can go on with my life…or can I?

MIDNIGHT SHORTS

If you really want to get your gross on at SXSW, the best way is at the Midnight Shorts program. I do my best to make it to the program every year. I’m pretty glad I did this year.

5-SECOND FILMS

Directed by: Brian Firenzi

These are all available online at www.5secondfilms.com, but they’re hilarious. Five seconds of pure funny. Go to the website and check ‘em out.

CAN WE TALK?

Directed by: Jim Owen

Serious talks with your girlfriend can be pretty hard. It’s even harder when she brings up personal problems with your junk. Pretty funny at times, but a little slow. There are some very good moments.

COCOA LOCO

Directed by: SHAKA KING

An old man gets a call from his granddaughter. He goes to visit, but he’s not very welcome. Where’s his son? And why is his granddaughter so creepy?

King absolutely knows how to shoot a suspense film and he got some good performances. The grandfather overacts a little bit, but it fits his character really well. Overall, it’s a very good short with only a few shaky moments.

DELMER BUILDS A MACHINE

Directed by: Landon Zakheim

One of the funniest shorts in the program. A little boy is building a machine out of spare parts from around the house. When it ends up working, he’s very surprised at what he ends up doing. I think the last shot got the biggest laugh in the program.

DWIGHT DAVID HONEYCUTT FOR CONWAY SCHOOL BOARD

Directed by: Roland Honeycutt, Jr

Dwight David Honeycutt wants your vote for Conway School Board and this is his film telling you why he should be elected. He may not be qualified, but his dick is huge.

This short was a little long, but it was really funny and shot just like a low-budget, home-grown, political commercial.

EAGLES ARE TURNING PEOPLE INTO HORSES

Directed by: Brian McElhaney

A guy is really annoyed with his girlfriend’s laugh. How can he get rid of her? He could always tell her the truth about his real job: fighting eagles to make sure they don’t turn any more people into horses!

Speaking of over-long, this one, as funny as it was, seemed to go on for a long while. It was a pretty good short, but maybe a bit on the long side.

EXPIRATION

Directed by: Mark Nickelsburg

What happens if you drink the milk after it expires? Mark Nickelsburg knows and he tells us in a really good short that’s high on suspense and low on stress. Loved it.

FIX MY DICK

Directed by: PJ Raval

I really don’t know what to think about this one. It’s a music video that basically consists of two mostly naked men and a third dressed as the most hideous creature on film. It’s funny as hell and is a pretty disturbing parody of hip hop videos. And transgenderism. And hairy asses.

ACK!

NOT INTERESTED

Directed by: DW Young

When someone isn’t interested in a set of knives, you should probably leave them alone. Unless, of course, they’re pointing at their door nervously.

This was a really funny short with a shlubby main character. You kind of think it’s going one way, then it goes another…which is always a nice surprise in a short.

THE ALLEYWAY

Directed by: Cosmo Jarvis

I don’t really know what to make of this one. It was an old woman (played by Cosmo) narrating shots of an alleyway. There’s something wrong with the alleyway…but we don’t really know what. Neither does Cosmo. Everyone was laughing, but I was wondering if it was supposed to be funny or not. Either way, it was pretty funny.

THE BABYSITTER

Directed by: Kristen Gray-Rockmaker

A couple are late getting back home. Their babysitter might be angry and they’re worried…VERY worried.

A good little suspense short that ends on a great freakout. One of the few shorts (along with Cocoa Loco) where the characters reveal more about themselves as time goes on. Very good.

TUB

Directed by: Bobby Miller

When a man’s girlfriend doesn’t want to have sex, he goes to jerk off in the shower. But where does that semen go? When the tub gives birth to a deformed baby, he finds out.

Really funny and some great gross-out effects. This may have actually been the best of the program. Definitely worth seeking out.

My ratio isn’t going up very much. Only two today…and one of them I probably shouldn’t even be reviewing because the digital projector fucked up about 10 minutes before the end.
More on that later, though.

MR. NICE

Directed by: Bernard Rose
Written by: Bernard Rose

Howard Marks (Rhys Ifans) was one of the most notorious drug dealers in England and one of the most famous people to ever come out of Wales. But he was such a nice guy that it was hard for anyone to really hate him. He was a family man, too. His wife, Judy (Chloe Sevigny) popped out babies like she was getting money for them.
What led to this life of crime? Fun. Not much more than that, from what Bernard Rose’s movie tells us. Howard was a straight A student and good boy until he started smoking pot. Then he started to find out how to import the drug. As long as he had fun doing it, he was going to do it.

I think the main problem with movies like this is Martin Scorsese. He’s pretty much perfected this genre. With Goodfellas, he created the perfect “fun gangster as family man” movie. He tried again with Casino, but even he couldn’t top himself.

Rose isn’t nearly as good of a filmmaker, so his Welsh version of Goodfellas just kind of falls flat. It runs everywhere and catches none of its goals.

This isn’t to say that it’s a bad movie. It’s just mediocre. Rhys Ifans puts in a good performance as the fun-loving, swingin’ drug lord. Chloe doesn’t have much at all to do as his ever-suffering wife. (In fact, we’re never quite sure if she hates his life or is indifferent to it.) The best performance is probably from David Thewlis as the true bad guy, Jim McCann. This guy not only deals drugs, but he’s a gunrunner. And he’s fucking insane.

One thing Rose did very well was capture the period on film. Not only did the film itself looks like it was shot in the 70s most of the time, but, instead of shooting new footage for outdoor shots and montages, he inserted the characters into stock footage from the 70s. They weren’t perfectly edited in, but it looked great.

Not a great film, but maybe worth seeing if you’re a fan of either of the male leads. Not so much if you’re a Chloe fan because she’s not given a damn thing to do.

ELEKTRA LUXX

Directed by: Sebastian Gutierrez
Written by:Sebastian Gutierrez

In this thrilling sequel to the Jennifer Garner actioner….

Um. No. Forget that. But this is a sequel, strangely enough.

Last year, Gutierrez brought Women In Trouble to South By Southwest. It nearly took the festival by storm (kinda), so he decided to do it again, this time focusing on (now former) porn star Elektra Luxx (Carla Gugino). She’s pregnant with a dead man’s baby, but she’s still super-hot and very sexual.

Elektra gets caught up with a young lady and her fiancee who are having some problems, a private eye looking for song lyrics (Timothy Olyphant), a couple who can’t seem to keep their hands off of other people and two girls who may or may not explore their sexuality together.

The movie is very episodic and doesn’t necessarily gel all that well, but there are some very funny moments and the characters are funny enough to keep us interested. It’s a silly little movie that’s not meant to be much more. I think it helps that the movie almost looks like a porn and that the actors are all putting on their best over-acting faces.

Gutierrez doesn’t show a lot of visual flair except in the dream sequences, which are mostly sexual fantasies. (The one with Emmanuelle Chriqui being the standout, although Carla Gugino is pretty much the perfect woman.) They’re not all that interesting as far as the style is concerned, but it’s a nice break as far as the story is concerned. It keeps up the kind of silly atmosphere that the movie is going for.

Really, though, the funniest parts were the parts with Joseph Gordon-Levitt as a video blogger who is obsessed with porn. He talks fast and furiously about the great Elektra Luxx and her career. Then his sister gets involved.

About ten minutes from the end, though, the projector broke down, so I have no clue how the movie ends. I could make up my own ending, but I somehow don’t think that it would do Gutierrez or his characters justice.

Instead of the end of the movie, we got a Q&A from Gutierrez and his cast of lovely ladies. This is when I realized that Joseph Gordon-Levitt was just doing an impression of Sebastian Gutierrez. The guy talks really fast and is incredibly funny. He called out SXSW about 100 times for having a crappy projector (all in good fun, of course) and seemed to have as much fun as possible with the situation. No matter what I thought of the movie (and I did like it, just not as much as I had hoped), I want to see more of his stuff because he’s so freakin’ engaging.

They plan on showing the film again, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to make it to the screening. Hopefully I’ll be able to catch it on video or online when it gets released because I’m pretty interested to know what happens to all of the characters. Then again, I’ll still have to wait for the third in the trilogy, Women In Ecstasy.

Directed by: Alexandre O Philippe

How is it that it’s the second day of South By Southwest and I’ve only seen one freakin’ movie? Well, it’s a long story that I won’t go into. Let’s just get to the damn movie

George Lucas is still a hero to some. How that is, most of us can’t really fathom, but I think we’re learning to accept it. He made three amazing films that everyone loves and even worships and basically disappeared. (Ok, he produced some absolutely forgettable films…and Howard The Duck.)

Then, suddenly, he decided to continue his most famous saga, and there was much rejoicing. People went ape-shit. We all knew that these films were going to be amazing. How could they go wrong?

But, oh, how we were wrong. Lucas dropped a shit-bomb called The Phantom Menace on us. Then, for the most part, we allowed him to do it two more times.

Ok, I have to admit this right here…I actually like the prequels. Yes, Phantom Menace is a boring freakin’ movie. But they get better as time went on and they have grown on me. Not most of the folks in this movie, though. Director Alexandre O. Philippe certainly has not forgiven George for his indiscretions, but he’s MUCH more forgiving than a lot of the people he interviews. These people threw away their Star Wars toys and stopped going to the movies just because of a little guy called Jar Jar Binks.

Oh, Jar Jar Binks. You should die 1000 painful deaths.

Here’s what really makes this movie great, though: it makes you think about what an artist truly owes his audience. Does he owe them something that’s basically going to be just like what he’s done before to make them happy? Or does he not owe them a damn thing? Should he just go about his marry way and not worry about what his audience thinks of him?

Honestly, I think the truth lies somewhere in between. He needs to be conscious of what his audience wants while still challenging them to want something different out of him. That’s what Lucas does not do. He suddenly decided to pander to children instead of making something great like Star Wars.

The People Vs. George Lucas drags a little towards the end, but it’s never not engaging and interesting. He found a lot of cool people to talk about their feelings of awe at Star Wars and betrayal at the prequels. He even talked to a few people who kind of agree with Lucas, Neil Gaiman being the most famous. (Francis Ford Coppola is interviewed, but I think it’s archive footage.)

Anyone interested in the phenomenon of adjusting art after its initial release should see this movie. It tries very hard to answer the question, If Van Gogh was allowed to change Starry Night, would we let him? Then it leaves it up to us to answer it on our own.

The second day of the Oscar movies seemed to be the slow day. Sure, it started and ended with a bang, but the three in the middle were pretty damn slow.

I actually even skipped the first movie. I’ve seen Up at least twice, maybe more. It was absolutely one of my favorites of the year and, possibly, even the one that I think should win Best Picture. It won’t, but I think it should.

You can read my review here.

Let’s get right into the first one I saw today.

A SERIOUS MAN

Directed by: Joel Coen/Ethan Coen
Written by: Joel Coen/Ethan Coen

Larry Gopnik (Michael Stuhlbarg) tries to be a serious man. He takes his marriage seriously. He takes his kids seriously. He takes his job as a physics professor seriously. And he takes his Jewish faith seriously.

Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean that things won’t fall apart on him. In the same week that he’s up for tenure at his school a student tries to bribe him for a passing grade, his wife tells him that she’s leaving him and seeing Sy Ableman (Fred Melamed), his brother (Richard Kind) is having some sort of crisis and his son is having his bar mitzvah. How could things possibly get any worse?

When the Coens are in charge of a retelling of the story of Job, you know that things will get worse. This is and isn’t a typical Coen Brothers film. First off, it’s a very personal film. It’s about Jews in suburbia in the late 60s…just as they were. It deals very closely with their religion and the way they grew up. It’s also the story of a man who loves his faith, but he’s about to lose it because so much is falling apart around him.

As always, the Coens manage to make someone else’s pain very funny. It’s not as laugh-out-loud as something like Raising Arizona or The Big Lebowski, but it’s still a comedy. Larry is a schmuck. He’s a loser. He’s a schlemiel. No doubt about that. But there’s something so pathetic about the guy that it’s hard not to really push for him and want things to work out. Stuhlbarg is amazing in this role and absolutely deserves all of the accolades that he’s gotten from this performance. Also better than expected was Richard Kind. He can be a pretty funny guy, but I’ve never seen him try anything else. He was very good here in what could have been a one-note role.

Also watch for Micheal Lerner and Adam Arkin in small roles.

I’m not a Jew, so it’s hard for me to really relate to a lot of this film, but I think I might understand my Jewish friends a little bit better after seeing it.

A lot of my friends who saw this movie with me hated it. Mainly it seemed to be because of the ultra-ambiguous ending. The thing is that they pretty much tell you that the story will have an ambiguous ending about mid-way through the film. And, really, there is no other way for the film to end. I loved it. It may actually rank up with some of the Coens’ best work. Just know that you’ll have to work some stuff out for yourselves.

THE HURT LOCKER

Directed by: Kathryn Bigelow
Written by: Mark Boal

“War is a drug.” This film starts with those words. Then it takes the next two and a half hours to prove it to us.

William James (Jeremy Renner) is the new guy on the EOD team. Unfortunately for the other two guys, he’s also the leader. Sanborn (Anthony Mackie) and Eldridge (Brian Geraghty) are actually scared when he takes over for their former leader (Guy Pearce). Is this guy going to get them killed?

In the RL, the answer to that question would be yes. Actually, no. It wouldn’t This guy would have been fired before he finished his first day on the job. He’s a complete dumbass. He puts on his suit and walks out to disarm a bomb, even after his team tells him that they have robots to do just that. Then he goes out, disarms the bomb and starts yanking on other cables that he finds with no real regard as to whether they might be attached to other bombs. Seriously? I would fire this guy and I wouldn’t know the first thing about disarming a bomb.

Barring that, though, this is a movie and, even though my friend who actually did this kind of work in Iraq called the movie pure fantasy, I’m here to grade it on its merits as a film, not its accuracy…of which there really isn’t much at all.

James is a down to earth guy for a guy who yanks on bombs all day for a living. He does his best to get to know his team and the people around them. He even befriends one of the kids who sells DVDs to the troops. (Right here, I thought, “Dammit. I’m seen MASH. I know what’s going to happen here.”)

The movie doesn’t necessarily have much of a through-line story. There’s no single villain except for the faceless Iraqis who are placing the bombs and shooting at our heroes. It starts 39 days before they’re done with their tour and ends basically at the end of those 39 days. It’s just a string of bomb disarmings put together to form a character study of the guys who do this incredibly important job. Luckily, the characters are interesting enough to hang this film on.

Is it a great film? Meh. I don’t really think so. I think it’s very good, but it’s not great. Maybe what ruined it for me is that even I am smarter about disarming bombs than these guys were. Or maybe it was the fact that I’ve seen a lot of war films, so I knew a lot of the tricks that Bigelow and Boal were pulling on us. (Although, they did kind of pull one new one with the kid. Kind of.) They do know how to build suspense, though. Those disarming scenes were pretty fucking tense. Definitely the best moments of the film.

Definitely worth seeing, possibly even buying. I wouldn’t say it’s Oscar worthy, though. I think everyone loves it so much because it gets into the heads of these guys…unfortunately, they don’t have anything new to say about their plights.

It’s still better than Bigelow’s ex-husband’s movie.

AN EDUCATION

Directed by: Lone Scherfig
Written by: Nick Hornby
Based on memoir by: Lynn Barber

England in the early 60s was a MUCH more permissive place than America in the early 10s, apparently. I spent this entire movie thinking about how strange it was that a couple were perfectly ok with their 16 year old daughter dating a nearly 40 year old man.

Jenny (Carey Mulligan) is just such a 16 year old. She meets David (Peter Sarsgaard) outside of her orchestra rehearsal when he offers her cello a ride when it’s raining. The two hit it off and, eventually, start dating. Meanwhile, her parents (Cara Seymour and Alfred Molina) don’t seem to have too many problems with this older man taking her all over town.

Times were different then, though. They were looking to get Jenny married partly because it would save them the money of sending her to college at Oxford. (They’re not quite that cold, but that is a big factor.)

David’s friends, Danny and Helen (Dominic Cooper and Rosamund Pike), seem to have some secrets. Come to think of it, so does David. He’s really good at coming up with reasons for Jenny to come with him on weekend trips. And how does he make his money?

Basically, this is a really good (and more complex) version of Mona Lisa Smile. Jenny fights for her right to have a real education without having to be married off. I mean, why even bother if you have to give it all up when you get married, right? Even her headmaster (Emma Thompson) doesn’t seem to understand that Jenny wants to do something besides get married OR teach. (At the time you couldn’t really do both.) Although, she wants an English degree and, unfortunately, there’s not much else that you can do with that besides teach. Sad, but true.

An Education is a very good movie but, again, not so Oscar worthy. There just isn’t anything new here…except for the creep factor with the major age difference.

DISTRICT 9

Directed by: Neill Blomkamp
Written by: Neill Blomkamp/Terri Tatchell
Based on short film by: Neill Blomkamp

I’ve seen District 9 before, but I really wanted to see it again on a big screen. The main thing I wanted to make sure of was my original assessment of the special effects. Luckily, I was right. They are better than Avatar’s.

Wikus (Sharlto Copley who should have been nominated for an Oscar) is a weasel of a man. He works for the MNU, a munitions company in South Africa who pretty much rule the nation now that the aliens are here.

The aliens (“Prawns” to the racist humans) came 20 years ago and seem to be stuck on Earth. South Africa did what they always do: they put the folks who look different into a slum and made them separate and unequal. The aliens live in squalor that they aren’t allowed to get out of and now the MNU wants to move them to a concentration camp.

Wikus is sent in to serve the Prawns eviction notices. He has fun with it at first. He’s just as bad as the rest of the humans. He thinks the Prawns are slime, worse than animals.

Then something happens. Something horrible and amazing. He starts to turn into one of them. As he’s treated worse and worse by his own kind, one of the Prawns, Christopher Johnson as he’s called by the humans, starts to treat him better. Christopher is  a father and just wants to get his people home.

What’s so amazing about this movie is that the CGI creatures are actually more human than the humans. Christophe and his son are much more appealing than Wikus is. As Wikus turns more and more Prawn, he starts to become more human.

I love this movie. It’s not just a morality play about racism and human nature to hate what it doesn’t understand, but it’s a great gore-flick, too. The effects and gru are pretty amazing. The Prawns mix in with the human world far better than the giant blue smurfs of Avatar and the story makes more sense.

So, that’s all of ‘em. All TEN of the Oscar nominated films. What do I think of the choices?

Well, I absolutely think that it could have been whittled down to five. In fact, these ten could be whittled down to even less to let in some more worthy films. Of the ten here, I think that Up, A Serious Man, District 9 and Up In The Air are the best. I love Inglourious Basterds, but I’m not sure that it’s better than those four. In its place, I would put either The Fantastic Mr. Fox or Where The Wild Things Are. There. I said it. That was a great film.

What should win? Up. Hands down, Up was the best of these ten (or twelve) films. It won’t win, but it should. What will win? Most likely we’re down to either Avatar or The Hurt Locker, two of the films that I don’t think belong. It will probably be The Hurt Locker, because it’s more of an issue film. It’s also MUCH better, so I guess I won’t be TOO terribly upset if it wins over Avatar. I just wish that they would give the award to the movie that actually deserves it. Up will win Best Animated Feature and that will probably be it.

That’s too bad, but unsurprising. We’ll see tomorrow night, though!

Directed by: Tim Burton
Written by: Linda Woolverton
Based on book by: Lewis Carroll

When I heard that Tim Burton was directing a new version of Alice In Wonderland, I knew that I would be in line for it. I also knew that about 14 billion Hot Topicers would be in line, too.

I wish it had been better.

Let’s hit some previews first, though.

TRON LEGACY–You know, the original movie is not that great. Seriously. It’s slow and a little boring, but I like it. Hell, I own it. Not because I grew up on it. No, I didn’t see it for YEARS, actually. All I remember from when the movie came out was the game. This just means that I’m not as attached to the original as a lot of people of my generation are. This doesn’t, however, mean that I’m not going to see the new one. I’m all for it. Jeff Bridges as his current self AND his younger self? There. The effects look just as cutting edge as the original’s did back in 1982. And the music? Daft Punk. I’m so there.

TOY STORY 3–Do I really need to say it? It’s Pixar and it’s Toy Story. I’m there.

DESPICABLE ME–Steve Carell as the #2 super villain in the world and a piss-ant geek taking his place in the #1 spot. Looks pretty funny in a Spy Vs. Spy way. I’ll check it out at some point.

Ok, let’s get back to Underland.

Alice (Mia Wasikowska) has grown up and has no idea what happened in Wonderland. Wasn’t it all a dream? So, when she falls down the rabbit hole again after being proposed to by a weaselly little guy, she has no idea what to think of all of the talking mice, disappearing cat and, most of all, the Mad Hatter (Johnny Depp).

The problem is, they need her help…very badly. The Red Queen (Helena Bonham Carter) has taken over and her tyranny knows no bounds. She’s quite mad and very insecure about her huge noggin. Her sister, the White Queen (Anne Hathaway), is also a little bit mad, but is much more benevolent. The animals love her (probably mainly because she has vowed to never harm them) and she rules fairly.

That’s about the whole story right there. I guess there’s a bit of a search for self with Alice not truly knowing who she is or if she’s “the real Alice,” but that seems secondary to the weird characters.

Maybe that’s as it should be in an Alice In Wonderland movie, but I really want a story. Especially if it’s going to take place after the events of the story that we all know.

Speaking of which, this is going back to the original source material, more so than just about any version since America McGee’s video game. This means that we don’t know as much about the original story as we think we do. All of the versions before this focused on the whimsy of the story and not the subtext or the darkness. This one focuses on that darkness and even twists it up a bit. This is a fucking WAR! The problem is that Burton and Woolverton think that we know the actual story and kind of start us right in the middle. Maybe it works a bit because Alice is starting in the middle, too, but it didn’t work so well for me. I felt like I was missing a LOT of the references.

Really, the only great thing about this movie are the visuals and some of the performances. Burton knew exactly how he wanted this movie to look and he did it…and it looks amazing. Wonderland is beautifully stark and wasted world full of crazy creatures and pottier people. The 3D adds to the effect, but it isn’t essential.

The other thing that I wouldn’t change is the acting. All of the side characters are great. The Cheshire Cat (Stephen Fry) is creepy, but cute. The Caterpillar (Alan Rickman) is also pretty creepy, but in a more philosophical way. (No one says, “Stupid girl” like Rickman.) The March Hare (Paul Whitehouse) is hilariously crazy. Bonham Carter is perfect as the maniacal Red Queen and Crispin Glover is suitably slimy as Stayne, the Knave Of Hearts. Listen also for Michael Sheen a the White Rabbit, Timothy Spall as Bayard, Barbara Windsor from the Carry On films of the 60s as the Dormouse and Matt Lucas as the Tweedles.

But, seriously, Johnny Depp outshines them all. In fact, the movie doesn’t pick up at all until he shows up. It’s pretty boring for the first 20 minutes. Then he adds some depth to what could have been a pretty think-less role. Typically, the Mad Hatter shows up in a scene or two and then disappears like so much Cheshire Cat smoke. This time, though, he’s a BIG part of the story…and that’s a very good thing. Although, with his eyes (I’m hoping) digitally widened, he looks like a spooky Elijah Wood. That’s kinda creepy.

The less said about the dance with the completely incongruous music at the end, the better.

Not as bad as Planet Of The Apes, by any means, but certainly not Burton’s best work. I would put it as one of his weakest, and that’s too bad. Alice In Wonderland seems like the kind of story that he could do a lot with.

Part of the problem is that Burton doesn’t have any particular attachment to the material. While that’s not always a bad thing (see Star Trek), with this sort of thing it’s not so good. Here it ends up being some almost decent fan fiction, just without the Johnny Depp/Crispin Glover yaoi.

Thank Hitchcock for that.

Once again, AMC theatres are showing all of the Oscar nominees. This time, though, since there are 10 of them, they have to stretch it over two weekends.

Pussies.

Anyway, they showed a few previews before Avatar because it’s still playing and we just watched the movie the way everyone who paid a normal price was seeing it.

PIRANHA 3D–Ok, ok. I guess I’ll go ahead and see this. It looks like total crap, but I’ll check it out. BUT it wasn’t filmed at Aquarena Springs, so I’m not sure if I care.

ROBIN HOOD–I don’t care if this is the 4,984th version of the Robin Hood story. It’s Ridley Scott and Russell Crowe and it involves action instead of pure romance. AND it looks to be more realistic than a guy running around in tights or a couple of foxes. I’m for it.

SHREK FOREVER AFTER–Sigh. I will always give this series a chance, although I haven’t officially seen all of the third one. What I saw of it was almost funny, but not so great. This time, Shrek is plunged into a world where he and Donkey never met, Fiona is an outlaw and Puss is fat. I’ll see it at some point. Just not sure when.

KNIGHT AND DAY–Damn you, Tom Cruise, for choosing interesting projects. I so like hating you, but I always want to see your movies. Here he plays a mysterious dude who shows up in Cameron Diaz’s life, shooting people the whole way. Is he a secret agent? Or is he a terrorist. Oh, yeah. It’s a comedy that actually looks to be pretty funny. GODAMMIT!

SALT–Angelina Jolie is accused of being a Russian spy by a Russian defector. Wait…the Russians? We still care about them? Does this take place in 1984? It doesn’t look like it. But Angelina is hot (brunette AND blonde!) and there’s lots of action. It looks pretty interesting. I’ll take a look.

AVATAR (a second look)

Directed by: James Cameron
Written by: James Cameron

I know that I’ve already reviewed this one, but I also kind of wanted to see it again. I kept falling asleep during my first viewing (it was BNAT, after all) and I knew that I had missed some things.

Sure enough, I did miss some things…like the entire beginning of the film. I don’t remember ANY of that.

Basic story rundown, just in case you don’t know anything. Jake Sully (Sam Worthington) is headed to a new world. He’s a paralyzed Marine who is taking over for his dead twin brother. The brother was going to “drive” and Avatar on Pandora, a planet that is nothing if not completely hostel to humans. Unfortunately, it also has an element that we need called wecantfinditum…or theresnotenoughofitum. Wait, no. It’s called unobtanium. I’m not kidding.

Pandora is peopled by tribes of Navi. They are very tall blue creatures who live like Native Americans and have a very strong connection to everything on the planet. They don’t full understand that the “sky people” will kill them for something that means nothing to them. Grace (Sigourney Weaver) has been trying to educate them and study them. Colonel Quaritch (Stephen Lang) and Parker Selfridge (Giovanni Ribisi) just want the unobtanium. Killing the Navi means nothing to them.

Oh yeah, the Avatars. Those are bodies that Grace and her team have developed for the humans to link into so that they can a) survive in the environment of Pandora and b) blend in with the Navi. Jake’s DNA is just like his brother’s, so he’s able to drive his Avatar. He goes out onto the planet, gets lost, finds Neytiri (Zoe Saldana), falls in love with her and goes native.

Chaos ensues.

I liked the movie better the second time around, but it’s still Dances With Ferngully. My main problem with it is Cameron’s strange disability to create villains. Avatar and Titanic both have the same problem: their main villain isn’t human. A friend of mine says that he knew guys like Quaritch in the military, but I like to think better of humans. This guy is a sociopathic Terminator. It’s not that he’s driven to do his job. It’s that he enjoys killing. He wants to destroy and nothing less. Even when everyone else (including Selfridge…nice name, by the way) looks like they can’t believe what they’ve done, Quaritch is drinking coffee and celebrating a job well done. Childrens’ blood on his hands? Meh. All in a day’s work.

He is a terrible person and I think that if he had had even two dimensions he would have been more interesting. As it is, he was hard to watch and made me actually dislike the movie. He’s FAR worse than Billy Zane’s over dramatic Cal Hockley in Titanic.

Of course, the visuals were amazing and the 3D worked perfectly. I think that District 9 looks better, but we’ll get to that movie next week.

Let’s move on to the first film that I hadn’t seen.

UP IN THE AIR

Directed by: Jason Reitman
Written by: Jason Reitman/Sheldon Turner
Based on book by: Walter Kim

Ryan Bingham (George Clooney) really digs being alone. He never wants to get married, have kids or have any real connection with anyone. All he really wants to do is collect millions of frequent flyer miles on American Airlines.

That is, until the reason for his constant flying is nearly taken away. You see, Ryan fires people for a living. He flies from place to place letting people go. He travels almost 300 days out of every year. The time he spends at “home” in Omaha is, he feels, time wasted. His true home is in the air.

Natalie Keener (Anna Kendrick) ruins all of that. She’s a young girl who comes into his firm and tells his boss (Jason Bateman) that they could save money by doing everything over video chat. Ryan, of course, tells him that the job needs the personal touch of an actual person being there. So Ryan ends up taking Natalie on the road with him to show her exactly why this is true.

Enter Alex (Vera Farmiga). Or, rather, Ryan enters Alex. (Hehehe. I’m 12, by the way.) The two of them have a bit of a tryst before Natalie joins Ryan and plan on meeting up again…and again….and again.

Will Ryan finally decide that he needs to start making real connections in his life? Will Natalie learn what it means to need to be there with someone? Will Ryan go to his younger sister’s wedding?

This was probably my favorite movie of the day besides Inglourious Basterds. Reitman is great at mixing humor with deep seated human emotions, pulling us into these strange peoples’ lives and then showing us how we’re all really just like them. Strangely, he makes us at once want to travel and settle down at the same time with this one.

Clooney is his normal charming self here, but there’s a depth to this character that I haven’t seen from him in a while. He’s kind of unlikeable, but I felt some true sympathy for him. Anna was the same way. She has a stick so far up her ass that it’s almost hard to like her until something bad happens to her and we finally see some emotion…and she loosens up a bit.

Definitely one of the best films of the year. My only complaint is how much of an American Airlines commercial it seemed to be, but I guess a guy like this would probably have loyalty to one airline, so it only makes sense.

By the way, this is the first movie of the day to feature Young MC’s “Bust A Move.”

PRECIOUS

Directed by: Lee Daniels
Written by: Geoffrey Fletcher
Based on book by: Sapphire

I refuse to keep calling this movie by its full name: Precious: Based On The Novel Push By Sapphire. What the fuck? Why would they name it that? Why not just call it Push?

Anyway, Precious (Gabourey Sidibe) is a young inner city girl who has no future. It’s 1987, she’s poor, black, 16, fat, nearly illiterate and pregnant. Not only is she pregnant, but she’s pregnant with her dad’s baby…the second child he’s given her. Her mother, Mary (Mo’Nique), is a complete bitch who keeps telling Precious that she stole her man from her. She verbally and physically abuses her daily. She’s not too nice to her Downe’s Syndrome granddaughter, either. Even her own mother is scared of her.

Precious ends up being sent to an alternative school and is taught to read and write by Ms. Rain (Paula Patton). Also on her side are her social worker Ms. Weiss (Mariah Carey) and, eventually, Nurse John (Lenny Kravitz).

This is pretty much the most depressing movie ever made. Precious’ life is so fucking bleak that it’s hard to imagine anyone getting out of the hole that she’s in. She manages to escape in her own fantasies where she is a huge star and has a good looking guy staring at her all the time. But these are fleeting and typically end with Mary throwing water on her face or someone hitting her.

Of course, this doesn’t make it a bad movie. It’s a really fucking good movie with some amazing performances. (Who the hell told Mariah Carey that she was allowed to suddenly be able to act. It’s crazy, but she’s actually really good!) Gabby and Mo’Nique deservedly were both nominated for Oscars. It would be pretty cool if they both won, but I bet they’ll just pick one of them.

It would be great if we could be told that this sort of thing doesn’t happen anymore, but the whole reason for the book and movie is to let people know that this sort of thing happens all the fucking time. Harlem, Detroit, LA, Memphis, wherever. Young girls are being abused into believing that they are worthless, horrible people. Fuck that. Things need to change…but how do we change them?
This is quite possibly the only good thing Tyler Perry has really had anything to do with besides Star Trek…and I barely count that as something he had a damn thing to do with.

THE BLIND SIDE

Directed by: John Lee Hancock
Written by: John Lee Hancock
Based on book by: Michael Lewis

Really? This was nominated for Best Picture? Wow.

Michael Oher (Quinton Aaron) is a young inner city boy with no future. It’s the mid 00s and he’s poor, black, 17, fat and nearly illiterate. His mother is a drug addict who has lots of kids whom she barely knows anything about and can’t keep track of whose father is whose.

Wait…didn’t I just see this movie? The Blind Side is the same fucking movie as Precious! Why am I watching this again?!

Ok, it’s slightly different. This time, the way out isn’t necessarily alternative schooling (although Michael does get enrolled in a Christian school because he’s athletic), but football and a nice white couple. Spitfire mom Leigh Anne Tuohy (Sandra Bullock in what is probably her best role ever) takes Michael under her wing and makes him a part of her family. Her husband Sean (Tim McGraw) is just kind of along for the ride. She really does wear the pants. He just bankrolls everything. Their two kids SJ (Jae Head) and Collins (Lily Collins) get close to Michael pretty quickly, especially SJ who starts calling him his big brother right away.

Eventually, they find a way to make this gentle giant good at football and the rest, as they say, is history. It’s a true story of a guy who still plays for the Baltimore Ravens.

The Blind Side is a really good Lifetime movie of the week, but with MUCH better acting and slightly better writing. Other than that, I have no idea why it’s among the 10 best films of the year. It just doesn’t make much sense, especially since there’s already a much better movie just like it. I guess they just needed something to lighten to load of Precious.

To be fair, though, the acting is really good. Sandra is way better than I would ever expect her to be and Quinton is great. He doesn’t talk much, but he says a lot. (Apparently, the real Michael Oher was a little annoyed that he was portrayed as such a pussy who knew nothing about football. He was already playing before he was enrolled in the new school. Oh well. I guess it made for a better movie? I dunno.) The little moppet that they got to play the little brother was really funny, too.

Not great, but decent. Worth a look if you’re looking for an inspirational sports drama that’s better than Rudy.

Also, this is the second movie to feature Young MC’s “Bust A Move.” What’s up with that song this year?

INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS

Directed by: Quentin Tarantino
Written by: Quentin Tarantino
Based on: every war movie Quentin has ever seen

I’ve reviewed this one, too, but I can’t resist saying something about it again. I loved, loved, loved this movie. It’s a fun movie about torturing Nazis and helping Jews get their revenge.

One thing I noticed this time out was the great big smile Eli Roth got on his face when Brad Pitt said the word “torture” during his big introduction speech. Torture porn lover.

That’s actually all I’m going to say about this one. My original review pretty much covered it and I’m really fucking tired.

So, I’ve basically knocked two movie out of the running. Avatar and The Blind Side do not belong. Next week I’ll let you know what my final decision is on which five should have been nominated and which five should have been completely ignored by Oscar.

See you at the theatre! I’ll be right behind you.

I love that Magnolia Pictures has started doing this program lately. Until last year, most people never had the opportunity to see the shorts that were nominated. Some of us could have seen a couple of them at festivals, but hardly anyone would see all of them. So, yeah. This is awesome.

KAVI

Directed by: Gregg Helvey
Written by: Gregg Helvey

Slavery is a terrible thing. So I think it’s about time we have an Oscar winning short about it!

Kavi is a young boy in India and he is a slave. His family are slaves. All of his friends are slaves. And their slavemaster is the owner of a brick kiln.

Oh, and this is present day, not 100 years ago.

Slavery is still very much in effect in much of the world, we just don’t hear about it as much these days. But a short film about it starring who is probably the cutest little boy in all of India will bring people to tears and make them fully aware of the plight of slaves all over the world.

Kavi is a very good short, but it’s not the best of the bunch. It will, however, win the Oscar because it is the most “important” of the shorts. So, here it is: the winner. Right up front.

THE NEW TENANTS

Directed by: Joachim Back
Written by: Anders Tomas Jensen

Peter and Frank (Jamie Harrold and David Rakoff) just moved into a high rise apartment building. They’re bickering like any couple, but their lives are about to change when they find out that the last tenant was killed in the apartment. Then Vincent D’Onofrio shows up. Was he the killer? Or was it Kevin Corrigan? Either way, Peter and Frank are starting to think that they moved into the wrong building.

I’m not really sure what this short “meant,” but it was really good. I just kept thinking, “What the fuck is going to happen next? Who could possibly save the day here? Will anyone save the day? ACK?!”

MIRACLE FISH

Directed by: Luke Doolan
Written by: Luke Doolan

Sometimes a weak gift can make all the difference. Joe turned 8 today and his dad gave him a Miracle Fish, one of those little red cellophane fish that curl up in your hand to tell you “yes” or “no.” Even most 8 year olds think they’re pretty lame.

Some kids make fun of him for getting a bad gift, so Joe runs off to the nurse’s office (sick bay to the Aussies) and falls asleep. When he wakes up, everyone is gone. Was it aliens? Was it a mysterious disease? Joe doesn’t care. He gets everything from the tuck shop that he wants for free!

Unfortunately, there is someone else in the school with him. Can the Miracle Fish stop him in his tracks?

This may actually be my vote for the best of the lot here. It has an Issue in it, it’s just not as big as slavery, so it won’t win, but it is a very good short with some great acting and a very harrowing ending.

THE DOOR

Directed by: Juanita Wilson
Written by: Juanita Wilson

A small Russian town is evacuated in the dead of night. They aren’t even really sure why.

On the flip side, one man is trying to get back into the town? What’s he doing? Why is he getting a door?

This, to me, was the saddest and most depressing of the shorts. Yes, slavery is sad and depressing, but no one died in Kavi. They probably did later, but not in the film. Unfortunately, I don’t really want to say too much more. It was very good, though.

INSTEAD OF ABRACADABRA

Directed by: Patrik Eklund
Written by: Patrik Eklund

Luckily for all of us, they saved the funny one for last. Otherwise I think we would have left the theatre and slit our wrists.

Imagine if Napoleon Dynamite had wanted to be a magician. That’s what Instead Of Abracadabra was really about. Except here, Napoleon is 24 years old and still lives with his parents. So, I guess he’s like Kip.

From the first moment of the film, we were laughing. And I don’t think we really stopped until the end. A really funny short with some very funny performances.

FRENCH ROAST

Directed by: Fabrice O Joubert
Written by: Fabrice O Joubert

When you’re sitting at a coffee shop, a lot of people come and go. Especially if you forget your wallet and have to stay there for a long time out of sheer embarrassment. That’s what one French man learns. He meets a homeless beggar and a strange old nun…with a secret.

French Roast is a really funny short, but it may have been my least favorite of the bunch. Not quite up there with Pixar (but who is?), but still better than a lot of other animated shorts I see. Lots of good sight gags, though.

THE LADY AND THE REAPER

Directed by: Javier Recio Gracia
Written by: Javier Recio Gracia

When an old woman wants to go see her long dead husband again, you should probably let the Reaper have her. Otherwise, you’re just a douchebag doctor who only saves people to impress the hot nurses.

Very funny, but again, not exactly Oscar worthy, I don’t think. Maybe it’s because of the Issue at hand. That MUST be why it was nominated.

GRANNY O’GRIMM’S SLEAPING BEAUTY

Directed by: Nicky Phelan
Written by: Kathleen O’Rourke

These first three are really funny, but I just don’t see how they’re Oscar worthy. It’s weird.

This one is about an old lady who tells her granddaughter the story of Sleeping Beauty, but she puts her own spin on things. Her version is about how the young fairy godmothers just forgot about the old fairy godmother and how the old one got her revenge.

Funny and a little bit on the scary side. I’m for it. It’s pretty hilarious, but maybe not as amazing as it probably should be to be here.

A MATTER OF LOAF AND DEATH

Directed by: Nick Park
Written by: Nick Park/Bob Baker

NOW, we’re talkin’! A new Wallace And Gromit short is absolutely a reason to celebrate!

Wallace (Peter Sallis, as always) and his ever suffering dog (and brain), Gromit, are bakers now. But someone is killing the bakers of the town. It looks as if they’re trying to get a baker’s dozen. Who could it be?

Meanwhile, Wallace meets his dream girl, Piella Bakewell (Sally Lindsay). She and her dog pretty much move in, much to Gromit’s chagrin. Something’s not quite right with Piella, though. Could she be the baker killer?

Hilarious, of course. Nick Park can pretty much do no wrong. And it’s been so long since we’ve seen the boys that they could show them pooping on a shingle and that would be enough for an Oscar nod. Fortunately, though, Nick and the rest of Aardman Animation have given us a pretty damn good short. Maybe not as good as their past endeavors, but still worthy of the stamp. Love those guys!

LOGORAMA

Directed by: H5 (Francois Alaux/Herve de Crecy/Ludovic Houplain)
Written by: H5 (Francois Alaux/Herve de Crecy/Ludovic Houplain)

As much as I love Wallace and Gromit, this is my pick for the best of the bunch.

A couple of cops are taking a break when they find out that a serial killer is in their midst. They go after him with great abandon. He doesn’t care who gets in his way, not even little boys. He’ll kill ‘em all!

Yes, this is a BIG ACTION FILM! But that’s not all it is: it’s a great commentary on American consumer culture. Just about everything is made of product logos. The cops are Michelin men. The kids are mostly Bic logos. The two main boys are Big Boy and the Haribo kid. All of the buildings, trees and cars are made of logos, past and present. The serial killer is Ronald McDonald.

I loved everything about this short and want to see it again, post haste. I need a pause button.

The rest of the films are not nominated, but they’re “Highly Commended.” I agree. In fact, I would probably put them in instead of the first three. Two of them, at least.

PARTLY CLOUDY

Directed by: Peter Sohn
Written by: Peter Sohn

I think I reviewed this one before. It’s the Pixar short for the year. It was shown before Up and, while it wasn’t as good as that feature, it is still really freakin’ good.

Babies have to come from somewhere, right? So, they must come from clouds and the storks who fly among them. One cloud, though, only makes the dangerous babies. Sharks, alligators, electric eels, rams…they all come from this guy. And the poor stork who has to take them to their parents is frazzled beyond repair.

It’s a story of danger and friendship and it’s really freakin’ good. And who doesn’t love a baby eel?!

THE KINEMATOGRAPH

Directed by: Tomek Baginski
Written by: Tomek Baginski

This was actually my favorite of the lot. It’s the story of a man who is obsessed with creating the first moving picture, but he has to have it perfect. He already has it moving AND he has sound, but he wants color. He’ll get it, no matter the cost.

But will he give up his beloved wife for it?

No, it’s not just because it’s a play on film history, although that doesn’t hurt it at all. This is a heartfelt and beautiful little film. The sepia color, the animation, the story…it’s all perfect. Why was it not nominated?

RUNAWAY

Directed by: Cordell Barker
Written by: Cordell Barker

This one was just funny, much like the first three. A train with two cars (one high class, one low class) hits a cow and it starts a chain of events that leads to…well…see the film and see for yourself. It’s funny as hell from beginning to end…and even a little bit sweet.

So, that’s it. All of the nominees and a few extra. Now, when is Magnolia going to start showing the Documentary Shorts? Can we make that happen? Hmmmm?

Directed by: Joe Johnston
Written by: Andrew Kevin Walker/David Self
Based on 1941 screenply by: Curt Siodmak

The Wolfman cometh. And you can’t stop him.

Unless, of course, you have a silver bullet. Then you can stop him post haste.

But first, some previews.

COP OUT–Um, what’s wrong with Kevin Smith? I think I’ve reviewed this preview before, but I think it bears repeating: this looks like the worst movie ever. Kevin was on his way back and now he’s working with fucking Tracy Morgan? Fuck off. Not seeing this one.

GREEN ZONE–This really may as well be The Bourne Mission or something. It looks pretty awesome. Matt Damon and Paul Greengrass, together again. This time, they’re bringing Brendan Gleeson, Jason Isaacs and Greg Kinnear along for the ride. I’m there.

THE BOUNTY HUNTER–Would someone tell Hollywood to stop putting Gerard Butler in romantic comedies? And I like Jennifer Aniston, but she needs to be stopped, too. This is Midnight Run with a less appealing cast…and less laughs. God, that movie was great.

KICK-ASS–Yeah, I’ve seen this one, but I don’t care. I can’t say enough good stuff about it. GO SEE IT!!!

IRON MAN 2–Yep. I’m there.

Ok, back to the lupus movie.

I think we all know the basic story here. Lawrence Talbot (Benicio Del Toro) comes back to town to help find his missing brother, only to find that he has been killed under mysterious circumstances. His father, Sir John Talbot (Anthony Hopkins), is just as mysterious, but seems to be loving enough…in his way. The brother’s fiancee, Gwen (Emily Blunt), easily begins to fall for Lawrence, but not before his is bitten by the mysterious circumstance.

You see, there is a werewolf afoot. Sure, no one truly believes it except the gypsies. But Detective Abberline (Hugo Weaving) has his suspicions, and they all center on the Talbots.

This could very well be my favorite old-school horror remake in a long, long time. They have basically taken the character back to his roots. He is a man who is turned into a wolfman, not a full-on wolf. His clothes stay on. He walks on two legs a lot of the time. This is the gothic horror film that The Wolfman was always meant to be. In fact, I would say that, if this movie does well, Hammer has a very good chance of making the comeback that we all know that it should have.

That being said, there are a few things that keep it from being a perfect film. There are a LOT of “cat in the closet” scares. They, for the most part, work, but a few less would have been much better. Just let the mood (which director Joe Johnston does a surprisingly good job of creating) carry the film more than jolt scares.

Second, I love Benicio. He’s an amazing actor. But, for some reason, he’s kind of awful in this movie. I don’t know what the problem was, but he really phoned it in this time. It’s as if he really didn’t care about what was going on around him, and that’s unfortunate. With a better performance, maybe some of those jolt scares would have come off better.

But the movie is carried off very well other than that. Hopkins, Blunt and Weaving put in some great performances and Rick Baker’s makeup effects were amazing, of course…when they were allowed to shine. At times the CGI took over and it wasn’t as fluid or believable as I would have hoped. (CGI bear? Hmmm.) But the first big melee scene at the gypsy camp was pretty much perfect.

Speaking of Baker, the transformation scenes were amazing. Baker kept with his work with American Werewolf In London and made it look as fucking PAINFUL as possible to turn into a werewolf. That’s what made him so revolutionary to being with and it’s what makes him amazing still.

If you’re a fan of the old gothic horror films, Hammer or Universal, go see this movie. Don’t think it’s going to be an Oscar winner. But do go thinking that you’ll see some amazing creature effects and a decent story. And Anthony Hopkins being super-creepy and awesome.

Directed by: Chris Columbus
Written by: Craig Titley
Based on book by: Rick Riordan

I can’t really say that this movie was on the top of my list of “must sees” for this season, but I’m always up for a good flick in the ever-expanding world of “young adult” fiction…as long as it doesn’t deal with shiny vampires.

Before I get to the movie, though, let’s check out some trailers.

THE KARATE KID–Do we really need a remake of this 80s classic? Well, someone thinks so. And, if they’re gonna do it, they may as well give Jackie Chan a job that doesn’t make him look like a fuckin’ tool. I’m not so sure about Jaden Smith, but whatever. He’s a decent enough actor. And there’s a pretty funny gag at the end of the otherwise serious trailer, so hopefully the movie has a sens of humor. I might check it out.

ALICE IN WONDERLAND–I kinda can’t figure this one out. Alice (Mia Wasikowska) is grown up? And coming back to Wonderland? And the Red Queen (Helena Bonham-Carter, of course) has taken over? And the Mad Hatter (Johnny Depp, of course) is a major player? WTF?! Whatever. I’m there. It’s Tim Burton doing what he does best: big and weird. AND it looks like Danny Elfman is back with him! AWESOME!!! One big question, though: Why the hell does Johnny look like Elijah Wood?

DIARY OF A WIMPY KID–Nope. Not so interested. Yeah, there are some funny bits in the trailer, but it smacks of “all the funny parts are right here.” Uninterested unless I hear some pretty amazing things.

Ok, back to those Olympians.

As I said, I didn’t have a real hankerin’ to go see this movie, but my young ward was invited to a midnight screening because he was a part of Camp Half-Blood, a fantasy camp built around the world of Percy Jackson and his friends. His mom couldn’t take him, so I came to the rescue.

Here are the reasons that I wasn’t too excited:

1) I know that the studios are DESPERATELY looking for another Harry Potter. This could be it if it’s done right, but most likely it wouldn’t be.

2) Chris Columbus directed it. Sure, he started the Harry Potter franchise, but he had the good sense to step aside and let real directors take over after a while. Will he doe the same here? Will he make the same mistakes here that he made on the first two HP movies? Most likely.

3) Having never read the books and, actually, barely even hearing of them except for the aforementioned kiddo raving about them, I wasn’t very invested in the story.

All that didn’t dissuade me from seeing the movie. It just didn’t make it something that I was clamoring for.

Luckily, the movie wasn’t terrible. It was actually kind of fun.

Percy Jackson (Logan Lerman from Hoot and Gamer) is a bit of an outcast at school. The only place he ever feels at home is under water. He can hold his breath for up to seven minutes, but he has no idea why. His buddy, Grover (Brandon T Jackson, Alpa Chino from Tropic Thunder!), doesn’t understand it, but he just kind of goes with it.

Percy’s home life isn’t much better than his school life. He loves the hell out of his mom (Catherine Keener, who seems to be making a career out of playing moms of disaffected kids lately), but his stepdad (Joe Pantoliano) is a complete ass. “The beer isn’t gonna magically go from the fridge to my hand, is it?” Jackass.

Eventually, though, Percy finds out exactly what’s “wrong” with him. A trip to the museum tells him exactly who he is and where he’s really from…and where he should be.

The rest of the film involves a bolt of lightning that was stolen from Zeus (Sean Bean), a Hogwarts-like camp for children of gods (Camp Half-Blood) and a cross-country trek to find the entrance to Hell to find Hades (Steve Coogan).

Like the Harry Potter movies, there’s a great supporting cast of adults here to keep the kids hopping. Besides Bean and Coogan, there’s Uma Thurman, Pierce Brosnan (who I REALLY wanted to have a scene with Sean Bean) and Rosario Dawson. They all do a pretty good job with what they’re given. Most of them, though, aren’t given a whole lot. I think Brosnan gets the best role as Percy’s teacher at the Camp.

It’s pretty easy to keep comparing the story to Harry Potter, but really what it reminded me of even more was Neil Gaiman’s American Gods. It’s as if Riordan had read that book and the HP books and wanted to mix the two into a kid-friendly story. And, honestly, if the book is as much better than the movie as my little buddy says that it is, I’m all for it. The movie did what it was probably supposed to do: it made me want to read the books. (There are five in the series.)

Oh yeah. There were kids in the movie, too, huh? They were alright. Logan is a bit on the emo side, honestly. He’s got the swoopy hair that’s messed up in back that kind of bothered me through the whole movie. I kept expecting him to burst out into Good Charlotte songs or something. Brandon was pretty hilarious as Percy’s protector. Some of his lines were pretty risque for a kid’s movie. He seemed to want to have sex with anything that moved and had a vagina, especially in the Lotus Casino. And then there’s “the love interest.” Alexandra Daddario as Annabeth fits the role of Athena’s daughter perfectly. She may not be the greatest actress in the world, but she’s decent and has eyes that you could get lost in. I think that’s about all the role really calls for.

It’s a fun flick. Sure, if you’ve read the book, apparently you will hate the movie. But if you haven’t, just kind of let things go and have some fun with it. I’m interested enough to read the book and, possibly, see the sequel when it comes out.

Directed by: Scott Cooper
Written by: Scott Cooper
Based on book by: Thomas Cobb

When your truck runs away from you and your dog stalls, where else can you turn but country music? How about these trailers?

THE GHOST WRITER–Man, Roman Polanski’s in a lot of trouble these days, huh? Well, let’s see how that translates into box office for the last movie he may ever be allowed to direct. It looks like a pretty run of the mill thriller about a writer (Ewan McGregor) who is hired to write the bio of a politician (Pierce Brosnan). Good? I’m sure. Amazing? Probably not. But I’ll see it.

DATE NIGHT–Another one that I’ll probably check out on video. Steve Carell and Kristen Wiig are a couple who take another couple’s table at a posh restaurant and then get stuck in the middle of a heist or a murder or both. The trailer looks pretty funny, but I have a feeling that the movie sucks balls. I like Steve and Kristen, though, so I might give it a chance later on. Yay for Netflix! I don’t have to feel guilty about ANYTHING!
GREENBERG–Noah Baumbach hasn’t made a bad film in a while. Give him time, though. He’s only made a few recently, so he’s got PLENTY of time to start on his Mr. Jealousy trend again. Greenberg, though, looks like another really good one. Ben Stiller (don’t leave yet!) is a loser who moves from NYC to LA to housesit for his brother. Jennifer Jason Leigh is the love interest and co-wrote the script. I’m for it!

Now, how’s this broken-hearted movie?

As a rule, I hate country music. It’s just not my thing. I have a few exceptions, but they tend to be people who are already dead or are, unfortunately, probably close to it. Because, honestly, the last time country was good was in the 50s. Johnny and Willie kept it going through some pretty hard times. They kept it going through Kenny Rogers, for Waylon’s sake! Why do you think country-rock was king in the 70s? The Eagles and Linda Ronstadt were WAY better than any of the bullshit coming out of Nashville (or wherever country was coming from) at the time.

I say that upfront to let you know that, really, this is not a movie that I would have been clamoring for if it weren’t for Jeff Bridges, Maggie Gyllenhaal and the one man who can lately get me interested in the music in a country-centric movie, T-Bone Burnett. He knows what country is actually all about and doesn’t get stupid hat acts to pump their wares in movies that he has anything to do with.

Be that as it may, I was in the audience and I’m glad I was.

Bad Blake (Bridges) is a lost man. He wrote plenty of huge hits back in the day, but now he’s basically forgotten. The only people who remember him are the older folks who remember the glory days and, to some extent, the kid he helped make famous with his songs and a string of duet albums, Tommy Sweet (Colin Farrell).

On Bad’s way around the Southwest, he meets Jean (Gyllenhaal), a young reporter who wants to interview him. Could she be his salvation? Or will his alcoholism and self-destructive behavior be too much for her and her little boy? Will Tommy ever show his true thanks to the old man who made him what he is today?

Bridges portrayal of a man on the downward spiral of life is pretty amazing. Imagine The Dude as a real person. (Director Scott Cooper even uses the same angle that the Coens did at one point to show how far Bad has fallen.) Now give him a reason to dig himself out of the whole that he has dug for himself. Now imagine him fighting with himself the whole way. ADD to that the fact that he does all of his own singing and you’ve got Oscar-bait all over the place. He’s great, as always, and deserves every bit of the hype that he’s getting for it.

Maggie is every bit as good as a young mother just trying to keep a good man good. The rest of the supporting cast manages to keep up with them, too. Robert Duvall is great as the sage-like bartender/best friend in Houston. James Keane is slimy, but caring as Bad’s manager. And Colin is…well, actually he’s kind of a weak link. His singing is ok, so it’s not that. I think it’s the fact that he never seems to look his mentor in the eye. He acts like he’s putting on a show at all times. And maybe that’s the point, because those douchebags ARE always putting on a show. He always has his head down and looks out of the top of his eyelids like he’s trying to be “humble,” but still a rebel. It’s a horrible trend started with people like Dwight Yoakum in the 90s.

So, maybe Colin was perfect. But he was annoying me. And I like the guy. I actually don’t think he’s a terrible actor like a lot of people think. But he kind of annoyed me in this.

Now, let’s talk about the music. Not being a fan of the genre, it’s hard for me to be totally into the music. BUT it’s T-Bone, so I know it’s good. It’s definitely a cut above most of the crap I hear from “country” artists these days. And “The Weary Kind” definitely deserves it’s Oscar nom. It’s a very good song, especially when sung by someone with a world weary voice like Jeff. (When youngster Ryan Bingham sings it, it loses a LOT of its power. Still not bad, but it needs to have an older voice on it.)

My only real beef with the movie is really the ending. There’s a point where I really think that if it had ended there, it would have been a fucking masterpiece. As it is, though, it’s the Hollywood version of The Hank Williams Story. Luckily, though, the story, characters and script are good enough that I can overlook the semi-tacked on ending. It’s not a bad ending, by any means. It just kind of seems like something that the studio dreamed up because the story was so bleak.

Either way, it’s a great film with a lot of great performances and some very good music. Check it out and see the performance that is going to finally win Jeff Bridges an Oscar.