Cats (2019)

No. No I won’t.

Directed by: Tom Hooper

Written by: Tom Hooper/Lee Hall

Based on play by Andrew Lloyd Webber and poems by TS Eliot

Um…huh…well…ok. I guess if the Prof is going to come out of retirement (for a bit, at least), it shouldn’t be for a mediocre Star Wars film, but for a truly weird and terrible musical based on a truly weird (and possibly terrible) 80s stage musical.

I grew up in the 80s. I remember Cats being huge. I never saw it, but I heard Memories over and over and over again. By everyone. Everywhere.

This if my first real exposure to the entire show. And I’m…broken.

HOW!?! How was this so popular for so long?!

Here are my thoughts, in list form (maybe this will be my go to form from now on?):

  1. I have had people try to explain the story to me before, unsuccessfully. Now that I’ve seen it, I still can’t explain the story. Now I understand.
  2. I’m so tired of the word “jellicle.” These are jellicle cats drinking jellicle milk making the jellicle choice to jellicle die. Jellicle.
  3. I sincerely hope that Judi Dench and Ian McKellen make it for AT LEAST five more movies to make up for this.
  4. I think the only person in this movie who’s actually seen a cat is Ian McKellen. Everyone else is moving like aliens underwater.
  5. The only person who seemed to care about their song is Jennifer Hudson. Once again, she is the best part of a mediocre film of a musical. (Remember Dreamgirls? Neither does anyone else except for Jennifer and Eddie Murphy.) She is the emotional core of this emotionless movie.
  6. There were other songs besides Memories, right? I think there were.
  7. Oh! There was the new song co-written by Taylor Swift. That was the second best song in the movie.
  8. I don’t think there were actually any other songs in the movie.
  9. Rebel Wilson and James Corden were only cast because they’re famous and fat. I love them both, but they were both basically fat jokes throughout this movie.
  10. I’m pretty sure Judi Dench was never on set with anyone else.
  11. At least they deflated Francesca Hayward’s boobs. Those looked REALLY weird in the initial previews. Cats don’t have boobs.
  12. Speaking of, apparently cats also don’t have genitals. (Sorry, Jason Derulo. You don’t get to show off your junk in this movie.)
  13. Poor Idris Elba and Jennifer Hudson. Two beautiful people who were rendered hideous by CGI and creepiness.
  14. Idris just looked so naked when he took off his coat. (FUR coat, mind you…what kind of fur?)
  15. Rebel Wilson unzipped herself. GAH!
  16. This movie’s biggest crime is that it has probably created a whole new generation of furries.
  17. So, let me get this straight…they’re all fighting to die? Did I get that right?
  18. Does anyone in the making of this movie know how big a cat actually is? They changed size within the same shot.
  19. They changed the CGI so many times that I’m pretty sure the faces were floating independently from the heads at times.
  20. This movie is just…guh. I don’t even know how to handle this anymore. My cats hate me, now.
  21. “A cat is not a dog.”

So, there you have it. Cats. How do you make a movie of Cats? Apparently, you don’t. You make an abomination. A really fascinating abomination, but an abomination nonetheless.

I’m gonna go heal my brain.